DH refuses to have summer baby

[MayAugust]

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

There was a recent court battle that the mum won to delay starting school for another year for her summer baby! She used all the arguments your DH uses. There was also mention that summer babies are more likely to be bullied, which in my DDs experience is true. She is slightly behind her peers in all things too. She is in year 5 and is not yet 10. Some of her peers will be 11 next month! Her teachers tell me this will continue to make a difference for a while yet!

Having said that, you could use the winning court case and delay your child starting school ensuring they were able to start in reception a year later instead of missing a whole year of school if you so wished. So that invalidates his points!

He's right but that doesn't make him *right+ IYKWIM. All the best with the baby making OP!

Thanks for all the responses so far. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks he's being ridiculous.

I'm 29.

little thanks for that, I will look it up.

I work for a consultant earning well over 100k a year. She was born in August.

I think he has a point. I have two summer borns both who have struggled and there are many studies backing his point of view up. Of course there are always exceptions but by and large, summer borns are at a distinct disadvantage. If you have time on your side and are able to plan these things then I would def wish, in an absolutely ideal world, for a Sept/Oct/Nov baby.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

You can defer school but then all that happens is they start in year 1 having missed s year of schooling.

One deferred case doesn't make it a done thing, and it would only be for the August burns anyway, not June and July.

The government have started looking in to letting summer born, delay and start reception.
I have a summer born, l was able to delay.
Even if they cope academically, younger ones are still disruptive - their social skills haven't developed enough yet. I've seen this time and time again. It isn't their fault, they just need more time. Maybe your husband has found a convincing study?

Harsh responses about him - he is wrong, but all he wants is the best possible opportunities for his future child. That hardly qualifies him as a tosser, stupid or a bell end.
He is trying to control one of the few things he can control.
All you can do is talk to him and try to reassure him. Show him factual information. He might come round.

We have the same debate in our household! The statistics do show that there is an academic disadvantage to being summer born. I'm sure that in the earlier years of primary school

He's being a twat.

That said, my DM (and several of her close friends) was a teacher. And there is a trend that BOYS born in the summer achieve academically lower then boys born from September onwards.
This is based on the fact that a child born after Aug 31st (in England) will be one of the older ones in their year.

Ie: my dd was born late July. She will be 4yrs and 6 weeks when she starts school.
DS was born early September, he will be 4yrs 50 weeks when he starts school.

So the September baby is almost a whole year older at the start of school. Therefore they achieve better academically (on average) and this is noticed the most in BOYS as boys are thought to develop slower then girls.

So it's not unheard of. But he is basing everything around this one unproven average for boys.

What if you have a girl? What if you have twins? One of each? The girl will (likely - averagely) outstrip the boy.

He is BU. so if this is the only explanation he has to offer... Do you think he maybe just doesn't want to run the risk of another miscarriage? Or has rethought things and isn't ready yet for kids?

Sorry for your loss OP

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's a shame the miscarriage hasn't given your DH a sense of perspective and what's important. I actually think this is very mean of him towards you as I presume you are eager to ttc, partly to help the healing process of the hell that is miscarriage.

What if you were due in September but the baby arrived early?!

YANBU.

Hope you're doing ok.

Confession time- we avoided TTC 3 months of the year because as an ex teacher I felt that June-Aug. babies are disadvantaged. There are always lots of very successful summer borns (myself included!) who anecdotally dismiss this, but sadly the overall statistics do support it. However, we were only early 30s and had plenty of time to be fussy- my 40+ sister is going for it regardless of due date!

We're not alone in this- there's always a spike in the birth rate Sept- Dec and my midwife thought this was the reason.

sorry about your miscarriage too op.

We decided our least appropriate month to have a baby would be October (due to my work schedule). We just carried on trying in Jan thinking nothing would happen... You can guess what happened! First dc due October. Nature knows best!

^^ agree the eldest child is the stupidest is such a bloody awful comment. level 1c

Jesus Christ! I hope you arnt a teacher!

Op really your dh hadn't learned,after all that, the lesson that life cannot be planned or perfect? That children's lives are precious and a gift and really when they are born is frankly immaterial.

Posted too soon! I'm sure there must be an advantage in the earlier years of primary but there are plenty of examples of summer born people who have done just fine!

Move to Scotland, being a summer baby is an advantage here.

As an aside I've rarely heard anyone commenting on this issue in Scotland, I've certainly never heard of anyone saying they want to avoid a winter baby (our equivalent). It seems to be a really big issue in England - or is it just a MN thing?

My sister was born in August and is doing a Masters in Neurobiology. She is super academic!

I was born in December and am quite the fool, LMAO!

Sorry for your loss, May. Yes, I believe some studies suggest that the youngest children in a school year take time to catch up in achievement. I don't think its an unreasonable thing to throw out as something to discuss when ttc, assuming you have no fertility issues and are young - otherwise it would be pretty stupid to close down on months of potential conception. And it's perfectly possible to have a child who struggles academically whenever s/he is burn...

What I don't think is at all reasonable is someone throwing it down as non-negotiable and using it as 'evidence' to support telling a woman who has recently lost a wanted pregnancy she's not allowed to conceive again until he says so. That is unpleasant.

It is true that children do better on average the older they are in the school year, especially boys. It's not every child but there is a significant difference in older children than younger in an academic year.
Having children is a compromise. It's between you and your husband. You need to talk to him and meet an agreement between the pair of of you.

Ds1 was an August born baby (tomorrow, actually) and has just graduated in Law, with a 2:1. He starts a really good job in under a month.

My other two were born in late spring, and all three have done well at school, and all three got unconditional offers for university.

There may be differences, but involved, caring parents are a far bigger factor in a child's achievement than date of birth.

Summer born kids might well do better if they had been autumn born, however, it's all realtive. If your child is very bright they will still be brighter than children born in the autumn who are thick!

S/he is BORN. Not 'burn'.

And anecdotally, I'm end of July, and both my sisters are August-born, and we have nine degrees between us.

Firstly . Hope you'r holding up ok.
He's being ridiculous. DS (toddler) is a summer baby and is extremely advanced for his age physically, mentally and emotionally (according to hcp's), and has been all his life. He is also a very confident, very outgoing social butterfly who isn't phased by anything.

Don't delay trying, I was a recurring miscarrier and now have cancer and have had to have so many surgeries that having another biological child is now impossible. You never know what's around the corner, if we'd delayed we would have been too lateto have a biological child .

My ds was due in Sept but decided to ignore that and arrived in August. He has just taken his GCSEs, we get the results in 2 weeks so don't know for sure but he has been on track for good grades.