DH refuses to have summer baby

[MayAugust]

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

I really cannot believe there are people here saying he is not being unreasonable.

Would you also think him perfectly fair if he preferred to have a girl because they do better academically? Or a boy because he's likely to earn more?

You simply don't know what is going to happen. You might have further multiple miscarriages or just struggle to conceive again. Unfortunately we simply can't plan exactly when we will have a baby.

If you have trouble conceiving nhs won't investigate until trying continually for a year. Could you afford to have tests and ivf treatment privately if you have future problems.

Lots of people have an ideal eg siblings close in age but you can't always achieve what you want

To be fair, I wish I'd known it was 'better' to have a baby in Sept/Oct/Nov than in the summer. But I didn't! DS was born mid summer.
My reasons for wishing I'd known this and had the opportunity to have a Autumn baby are that I would have had 5 years at home with him before school - not just 4 years! However, I was too old, didn't know about when 'best' for baby, and just tried and tried until I got pregnant.
Though I do not agree with them never catching up. Most of them do need a little catching up time when they start school. A summer born boy is far less immature than an autumn born girl. But catch up they do - within a few years. DS is now one of the top achievers in his class. Summer is also a far better time to have a birthday. Far better to spread the presents out between birthdays and Christmas... and far better for parties - whether you are young or old. I'd keep on trying if I were you!

Oh, and I was told that the sept-dec birth spike was due to the over xmas and new year sex!

There may be differences, but involved, caring parents are a far bigger factor in a child's achievement than date of birth.

This^

And August conceived is May-born and May is in the spring (I have a May-born and he can't wait to start school this Sept, plus his vocabulary has been assessed ad being above average for his age). Just saying ...

I think to add this restriction when you've had some issues already (which I'm v sorry to hear about) very harsh. And short-sighted. The important thing is having a baby, surely? (Pretty sure this is what you're saying).

Yes, there have been studies recently backing what he says up. But so much comes down to other factors, like support at home. Of the friends and family I have who were born in July and August there is: a consultant (doctor I mean), a bestselling author, the CEO of a top publishing company... I could go on... I think you both give yourselves the best chance of conceiving, full stop. It sounds like he is trying to control a situation that he feels out of control of. Good luck OP

there's always a spike in the birth rate Sept- Dec

Yeah, because Christmas, New Year, Valentine's Day, longer, darker, colder nights.

The birth rate spikes in Scotland Sept-Dec too and that doesn't correspond with our school admissions.

What I don't think is at all reasonable is someone throwing it down as non-negotiable and using it as 'evidence' to support telling a woman who has recently lost a wanted pregnancy she's not allowed to conceive again until he says so. That is unpleasant.

I think Fish puts it particularly well. This is not entirely about summer born babies because it's as much about emotions as it is logic.

Incidentally I was the youngest in my class and although I excelled academically I suffered a lot socially with bullying etc, not solely due to my age of course but I do think it was a contributing factor. I don't ever want my child to go though what I did, so I'm going to wait until January to start TTC DC2.

The plural of anecdote is not data

He's right re summer-borns and achievement. But - IMO - he's wrong to think it really matters in the grand scheme of life.

It's not true that all summer babies are behind academically. Those that are do catch up. Long before it actually matters (GSCE years) there will be no difference.

I also imagine that the intellect of the parents has more of an effect on how the child turns out than when it is born.

What will happen if you have a Sept baby who is not academically bright? Your dh does know that they don't come with a receipt?

Anecdotally: I am late Aug, have law degree, always did well at school. Dd is even later Aug, youngest in her year. She's just finished reception - reading at a yr 3 level and is top of the class. I was terrified about her being too small for school, but now I see some of her Sept born preschool friends who have had to wait a whole year and it seems like such a waste of time!

I'm 35 weeks preg at the moment and will be doing everything I can to get another August baby!!

I think everyone you ask could give you examples each way of summer born v autumn born.

I have 2 DD the elder one (Autumn born) is very academic with a slightly strange approach to learning (but very similar to DH) I am sure that it wouldn't have mattered when she was born, the result now at 18 would have been the same. DD2 summer born is not academic in the same way, but still very bright and has always done well in class and been level or ahead of her peers born 9 months before her. Just waiting for the GCSE and A Level results nervously now!

Your child could be like this or they could be like DN who has just turned 7 and is one of the youngest in their year, he has ADHD and will always struggle at school no matter what or like other DN who is severely dyslexic.

As steadfast he is being, id match it. If we were in the midst of Trying, no way would I put myself back on contraception, so id bluff say "well thats an awful long time to go without sex, but as you are so certain".

Even condoms arent a guarantee, so id be of the opinion that if contraception failed we would end up with a Summerborn. So abstenence it is.

BUT having a summer baby means paying for less childcare so there are advantages too. Or yes, just move to Scotland!

As someone who struggled to get pregnant with both my children, and has had two miscarriages, I am bewildered at the idea of trying to control when you conceive in this way.

The fundamental thing about having a child is that you have to accept them come what may. An autumn born may develop special/additional needs whether innate or due to illness or accident. Or they might just not thrive at academic things or many things. You need to be equipped to support love and cherish whoever they are.

Your DH is really approaching parenthood the wrong way if the number 1 priority prior to conception is above average academics at school age

I find the idea of people putting pressure to achieve academically on their future children before they are even conceived a bit sad.

What happens if a child born at the optimum time of the year is completely unable to live up to the parents' expectation? Are they then made to feel they've failed their parents somehow?

When I was having my children this never occurred to me, after one still birth and two miscarriages I just wanted healthy babies.

Anecdotes aren't helpful in all honesty, not least because so many of the posters are female.

August born girls aren't hugely disadvantaged but August born boys (statistically) are.

This may not bother many people. It doesn't bother me. But it bothers the OPs DH

He is right that for some summer born dc, particularly boys, there can be a constant battle to catch up with older peers in the class. But note I use the terms "some" and "can". There are no hard and fast rules.

You are young enough to pause for a bit. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss and I do wonder if he is using the summer born argument to mask other emotions. Maybe its a convenient reason to pause when actually what he may want is a break to heal from the past few months.

Whatever is really going on, you should perhaps warn him that if you start again in the new year, fall straight away and then baby comes, it could be end of August.

I have a Christmas baby which many people wouldn't choose but its lovely.

I love all these people giving their own personal anecdotes of being born in August as if it amounted to anything substantial. It has no more value than saying "My granddad smoked 20 cigarettes a day and lived until 90."

The evidence is with your DH - it can be tough for summer-born kids, especially those born late summer (July/August). Most primary schools no longer do staggered starts, so your child could be starting school soon after its fourth birthday.

You conceived the first time you tried so you're pretty fertile, and you're only 29 so you have time. I'm not saying your DH is right to want to try and time the birth of your child for September (arguments against: 1. who wants to be heavily pregnant in August? 2. You'll have to look after your child/pay for childcare for five years rather than four) but I don't think he's completely unreasonable.

OP, your dh is mad to have such assumptions that a summer born baby will cause her/him difficulties in school.

One of my ds's is a July birth, I will admit that he struggled in reception and loathed school generally throughout.

He is well read, very clever and expecting very good a level grades next week in intellectual subjects.

I'll take that in a July birthday.

Pigs, it's not about putting pressure on them.

For the sake of one month, it might mean the difference between spending an extra year at home, fine tuning toilet training, speech, motor skills and confidence.

Children can lose confidence very easily and for me, my personal worry would be DC writing themselves off as 'thick' at an early age.

Writing especially but also reading is something that takes quite a lot of fine motor skills that just aren't developed in some four year olds.

How many children do you want to have, with what gaps and what do you know about when fertility - yours and his - will diminish, or other problems increase?

You cannot know the last bit, can you.

You could just as well cite figures about diminishing fertility and increasing risks post-35 and 'refuse' to wait.

Or, you could both have a conversation, with consideration for the other's thoughts and feelings - and no ideas of vetoes, ownership of the process, or control, over each other, or nature.

For the reason that he thinks he has control, in so many ways that he does not and should not, I think he's being very silly, naive and immature.

My dh was born at end of August and 8 weeks prem. He went to Oxford. DS is an August baby so hoping he won't struggle either.

There are just so many variables that can affect a child's success rate at school, it seems daft to put so much emphasis on one (albeit one you can directly control).

Hope you manage to talk some sense into him.

Whether he's right or wrong, I do think he's got the right to not want to try for a baby at any time, for any reason. He's not a sperm dispenser. If you wanted to miss a few cycles and he didn't, I doubt people would be queuing up to call you a twat or a tosser.
I do entirely see your point, I just don't think you can override his genuinely held preference. He's got a stake in the decision too.

My DD is a June baby. Top set at school.

While stats may show some disadvantage, I think that there are plenty of stats showing that the amount of parental involvement is the real crucial factor, and probably outweighs the effect of the timing of the child's birthday.