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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH refuses to have summer baby

274 replies

MayAugust · 06/08/2015 19:30

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
eurochick · 06/08/2015 20:43

You really can't plan these things. My dad is an August baby (probably also an undiagnosed dyslexic) and had an awful time at school. So I would have preferred to avoid August. We postponed starting ttc by one month with this in mind. We started ttc in December 2010. After four rounds of IVF (one ending in MC) I got my bfp in December. December 2013. And had a due date of 28 August 2014 (although she was 6 weeks prem in the end). Now she's here I don't care about her birth date at all. She will be the person she will be.

HappyIdiot · 06/08/2015 20:45

We started ttc in January 13 because that would give the chance of a September baby. I finally conceived in November 13 and dd will be 1 tomorrow.

She will be very young for her year but I'm actually not worried, she's a bright, confident little thing and I think she'll be fine. All my immediate family are autumn or winter born whereas all dh's immediate family are summer born. Doesn't seem to have made a difference.

MrsJorahMormont · 06/08/2015 20:46

Summer baby here, council estate and primary round the corner, parents didn't have an O-Level between them Grin Oxbridge for me.

Tell your DH not to be silly!

Amummyatlast · 06/08/2015 20:48

He's being a dick IMO. While I get the concept of not wanting a summer baby (I was an autumn baby myself and top of the class), I remember how desperate I was to conceive as soon as possible following my first mc. And after two mcs, many years of trying and infertility treatment, I used to say I didn't care if it came out blue with pink spots, as long as I got a baby. And you don't not what the future holds. Hopefully the mc is for you a one-off (I know someone who had two mcs and went on to have 3 children), but I don't think the possibility of having a summer baby is a good enough reason to put off ttc.

Sallyingforth · 06/08/2015 20:48

Tell him if you are not going to TTC until January, you won't need to have sex until then!

Starbrite00 · 06/08/2015 20:49

Ilikebaking.. I'm so glad you're not my childs teacher. Calling a child stupid? Really WTF.

dontrunwithscissors · 06/08/2015 20:50

I can understand his position to a point, but I don't think it's the end of the world. Given a choice, I would rather my child be the oldest in the class than the youngest.

We're in Scotland. DD2 is a late January birthday, which is the equivalent of a late July birthday in England. We took the option to hold her back a year (you can do this in Scotlsnd with Jan/February birthday). This seems very common and everyone I've spoken to who did this with their DC believed it was definitely worth it.

minipie · 06/08/2015 20:50

On the one hand I think either partner has the right to defer TTC for a few months for whatever reason (unless age is an issue, which it isn't for you). For example I chose to defer TTC dc2 because I didn't want another winter baby.

but

In your shoes I would be more than a bit worried about his obsession with season of birth. It seems like he thinks he can control how academically successful his child is, simply by timing it right? As you very sensibly say, children are a lottery - you could have a child who is clever/not clever no matter when they are born, you could have a child with SN, you could have a child who is premature and born in summer despite an autumn due date, etc.

It seems to me he's not fully prepared for the fact that to a very great extent, you get what you're given.

BagsyThisName · 06/08/2015 20:52

Will you be going back to work? And using paid childcare? I always give an extra special congratulations to my colleagues who are due August babies, as they will save £11,000 in nursery fees (assuming full time) compared to a September baby. Imagine all the tutoring you can buy with that....

Good luck OP, after a mc I couldn't bear to wait before ttc, I think your dp is being very unreasonable.

Brightonhome · 06/08/2015 20:53

This is an excerpt from a Q&A forum at my daughter's school, a leading independent:

Question:
The School will have seen in the Press recently, the latest statistics about summer born babies and how this potential disadvantage begins at School and thereafter shapes their lives.
What policy does the School have in place to address this and how does it plan to ensure that summer born children are not disadvantaged?:

Answer:
We treat every child as an individual and all teachers know their charges well. We are aware of birthdays which is why they are published in the termly booklet. It is the duty of the staff to recognise the needs of individual children and plan their education accordingly. Interestingly 4/7 Continuation Scholars in Year 7 have summer birthdays and 10/21 pupils in Set 1 (English/Hits/French/RS) have summer birthdays.

YeOldeTrout · 06/08/2015 20:54

Er, so what happens if you have a baby due in September but he's born in August, comes a bit early, quite common. Does your OH plan to give the baby back?

If you really want to absolutely make sure it's not a summer baby the only guarantee is to make sure you time things to be 22 weeks pg at maximum on 1 September. Obviously 6 August is too late for your OH. So your only safe window to TTC is now realistically 1 May to 31 July every yr. That's 3 months, plenty right?!

How much did you want children?

Alanna1 · 06/08/2015 20:54

Well, when I was planning a baby I took this into account and deliberately didnt TTC until Dec. Late December gives you a september baby I think, too (but a risk of coming early in August).

thegreylady · 06/08/2015 20:55

My dd was August born and brilliant academically great results up to and including at uni. Now a teacher (and mum of two). Dil born August 31st first class honours in English from York.
Dss July 27th engineering degree, now CFO of multi national company. It only matters for a very short time in Reception for some children.

ThisIsClemFandango · 06/08/2015 21:07

I think he is being utterly ridiculous.
It might be nice to have an idea of a time of year you would like to have a baby, but you rarely can choose what you get. Biology is often unpredictable.

I really wanted a September baby for some reason when I was pregnant. DS was due in September. He was a few days late and born in October Grin

Anyway - I do think your DH should question himself on why he thinks intelligence and doing well academically is the most important thing about having a child. Imo, there are so many more qualities that are important in a person.
I think he is being very narrow minded, extreme and unfair to you, OP.

Pinkcatgirl · 06/08/2015 21:07

My DH felt the same. When we started to TTC I made a spreadsheet and worked out that as long as my period was after Nov 26th, baby would be due after Sept 1st.... All went fine, baby due Sept 7th, born on the 12th. People mocked us but my DH feels strongly about it (his birthday sep 3rd).

We were v lucky though, second time round we didn't get pregnant for a few months and the thought of stopping for months and months when I wanted a baby so badly was v hard... Sorry for your loss, I think he's being a bit insensitive even if I can see his point x

landrover · 06/08/2015 21:20

Blimey, what if get accidentally get pregnant? What will he say then?

TheChocolateDidIt · 06/08/2015 21:25

What if the school entry times change? What if you had to relocate to Scotland?

ThisIsClemFandango · 06/08/2015 21:25

Or what if the child is dyslexic? Or has several SN/learning difficulties?
Will only an intelligent perfect child do?

I find the concept to be bizarre to be honest. I want my child to be happy - most importantly - healthy, and kind.

Aspergallus · 06/08/2015 21:26

Does he realise that winter borns are a greater risk for a huge range of illnesses? Apparently exposure to winter viruses early in life may have longterm consequences...

So ultimately pros and cons whatever you do.

brownfang · 06/08/2015 21:28

That calculation up there is wrong... I think the safe window is 1 April to 31 July, so 4 TTC months to safely avoid a summer-born child.

Still a small window.

notimetoshop · 06/08/2015 21:29

Over the entire population, summer borns do less well, but that doesn't mean that your individual child would do less well. there are other factors which play a greater part. Also, if they do get to university, then they tend to do better...

Vikkijayne2507 · 06/08/2015 21:33

Im doing my best to have a spring summer baby again (ds born march 2014) as i had a terrible sleeper (still not great) and we spent every night walking around in lovely portugal summer temps (we live there), I would hate a winter baby being stuck inside. I can see where hes coming from but also its unreasonable and I dont agree. I myself am a late july birthday and have 2 degrees and was a social worker and now a teacher. I would say I struggled a bit when I was in primary school but knuckled down and worked hard and easily caught up in secondary school. (mostly blody maths i still hate the subject hence the careers i took)

Twentyninedays · 06/08/2015 21:37

I have two summer babies- August. They struggle in the early years but if you don't panic they easily catch up. It seems to me that between the ages of 10-12 most schools are just getting them all to the same level .

Pico2 · 06/08/2015 21:41

I think it depends on your personal circumstances whether this is a crazy idea or not. If you are young and not too fussed about having a baby ASAP then it wouldn't be the end of the world to wait.

I didn't want to have an August baby. But after a few months of trying I stopped being picky and continued ttc. DD1's due date was late August. Some of my friends who are teachers were fairly disapproving. However DD1 was really late and ended up a September baby. I was delighted by that at the time. However now that I know her, I think that being in the academic year above might have been better for her. She has formed stronger friendships with slightly older children and would have coped fine with starting school a year earlier. We also spent thousands more on childcare for the extra year. It could easily cost 10k for a nursery place for that year.

LovelyFriend · 06/08/2015 21:41

I'd be very worried about what your H may be like if his non-summer born child has learning difficulties or doesn't excel at school - he's not showing himself in a positive light is he?