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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH refuses to have summer baby

274 replies

MayAugust · 06/08/2015 19:30

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
whooshbangprettycolours · 06/08/2015 20:01

4 miscarriages later I couldn't have cared less my DD was due in August. The fact she came at all was the best thing. I get the concept, but TBH I think he's being rather daft.

When does he count 'summer' to be BTW August? Add July? Why risk June? May, well that looks dodgy too? How many chances does he want to have a baby?

SEsofty · 06/08/2015 20:01

What about if the child has disabilities. Has he thought about that.

Do you think he actually wants a baby? Or has your experience made him question the whole thing

starlight2007 · 06/08/2015 20:02

I am end of August.I found school difficult for a whole myriad of reasons none of been my age..If anything I felt a little bit of an advantage I wasn't meant to be as mature.

My DS is April born.. I have to say if I planned it I would have him at exactly the same time again. He was about ready for school unlike some of my friends September babies who were bored senseless in childcare for the last year ( though that may be more about the childcare) A few August / July born I have known to really struggle..The boy I would think is top of the class is August born..

I can almost understand the avoiding July/ august however I did read summer born were classed as march onwards and to avoid all those months is madness esp with the difficulties you have had

DurhamDurham · 06/08/2015 20:02

I've got two girls who were summer babies, one is having a fab time working in Pennsylvania and other starts at university in September, it doesn't seem to have disadvantaged them too much Grin

Original poster
MayAugust · 06/08/2015 20:03

Thanks all. Many of you have communicated my own feelings about the issue far more articulately than I could. It's a relief to know most of you don't think I'm being unreasonable.

The thing he keeps throwing in my face is that he has always said this was his view (even back before we were engaged) and that I accepted it. Which is 100% true. But that was before the miscarriage and the following two cycles which I think finally made me see that you never know what sort of experience you will have TTC and that trying to plan it all to the nth degree often isn't possible.

OP posts:
mrschatty · 06/08/2015 20:03

I'm sorry about your loss Flowers but I need to add- I was so desperate to have a baby I really didn't care when it was born just as long as it was healthy and here! After nearly 2 years ttc the month of birth was the last thing on my mind!

AttackOfTheGreyLantern · 06/08/2015 20:03

I agree with your husband. Of course there are millions of examples of bright and high-achieving summer borns, but this is not representative. I am a secondary teacher (and a planner by nature!) and I have always started trying for a baby at Christmas in the hope of an autumn baby. People plan their TTC around weddings / houses / finances - so why not this? I'm hanging on until Christmas at the moment, as I happens!

bigbumtheory · 06/08/2015 20:06

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I would wonder if that's his only real reason though. After my miscarriage DH was subtle at first and then later more obvious at not wanting to try, it's only now we've decided to properly try again that I know it's because he was scared of 'doing it to me again' and 'failing as a husband/father again.' (not that he ever did)

So while it may just be one reason, it may be more complicated then that. DH didn't say anything for a long time and for a long time I was so annoyed and frustrated at the 'petty reasonings', turne out I should have looked beyond them so just on the off chance OP, maybe it's worth bearing in mind? He's seen you go through something awful, been there himself too though not through the physical and sometimes it can really affect.

I hope you are okay now. I know the emptiness and longing after miscarriage it's heartbreaking every time you get a period.

Original poster
MayAugust · 06/08/2015 20:06

whoosh he counts summer as May - August (hence my username!) Apparently trying this month, when the baby could have been due in April, was already a 'compromise'.

SE I did wonder that but no I don't think it's the miscarriage which has put him off, I think he just really believes in the theory and is too stubborn to reconsider.

OP posts:
SirPercyPilkington · 06/08/2015 20:06

Christ, what happens if your unconceived child doesn't get all the degrees and cure cancer and invent Unpollution?
What a negative start to potential life.

AlexisL · 06/08/2015 20:06

I'm sorry but your oh is a little weird! I mean come on who in their right mind plans their conception, pregnancy and birth around a certain time? I mean fair enough, all of my babies were planned but we started conceiving at a time that felt right for us, but this was not based on whether our child to be would be the oldest or youngest in the class, the brightest or daftest etc, I just don't it a little odd to be honest.

BeautifulBatman · 06/08/2015 20:06

Yanbu. I think your DH is being very foolish. Especially since your miscarriage - does that not bring it home to him that you cannot take ease of conception and viability of pregnancy for granted? If find this kind of cherry picking about when to have a baby really self indulgent at best, incredibly naive at worst.

TooTypical · 06/08/2015 20:07

Probably there are disadvantages to being an autumn baby. I was one, and because I was quite quick to learn I got very very bored indeed at primary school - and got a bit socially isolated.

My daughter is a very very late summer baby. I think socially she struggled a bit at the start of school. It was just a bit busy and noisy. She's currently awaiting A-level results and has an offer from a very sought-after institution.

I think you get what you get. Or don't get on occasion. As you know there is so much that you really cannot plan or control.

Good luck for the future.

mooma3 · 06/08/2015 20:08

Haven't read all the posts but this is crap!!
My son is july 31st and he is a smart little cookie!
he is keeping up no trouble with the rest of his class.
His teacher is very impressed with him and there are studies that the academics 'even out' at about age 9.

I was educated abroad mainly but my husband has found that the older kids in his class at school didnt do that well in the end - most liley cos they had had it 'so easy' through school.

AlexisL · 06/08/2015 20:09

Oh and let me just say that a lot of my family is mother, auntie, uncle, cousins etc are born April to August so are summer born and all are successful, ranging from solicitors, consultants, marketing managers, teachers etc.

bambooyoohoo · 06/08/2015 20:10

I think he is being ridiculous and also discounting your feelings after the miscarriage... I also had an early miscarriage with my first pregnancy and was desperate to try again as soon as possible. I would have been very upset if exH had put me through another 6 months of waiting and worrying.

By the way, I'm August born and it never held me back Wink Also, my DC2 has a late June birthday and is actually still one of the eldest in her class, it is a very young year group with most birthdays falling in July or August. You just can't predict these things.

Plus, summer birthday parties are more fun Grin

WhatKatyDidnt · 06/08/2015 20:10

Parenting is no sport for perfectionists (cheers Andrew Soloman Smile). It's a thought worth pondering even before your children are conceived.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 06/08/2015 20:11

I think it's an interesting debate, but I also feel for you OP that this isn't about stats and data, or anecdotes, it's about your life. One thing I'm wondering is how he reacted to the miscarriages. I'm thinking maybe this strong belief is also functioning for him as a get out. He can't 'fail' /the two of you can't 'fail' (not that I see it that way obviously) for a while this way. Does that sound plausible? Might be barking up the wrong tree completely...

SEsofty · 06/08/2015 20:11

In which case you need to discuss if at any point he will compromise. Eg if you delay until January 2016 and it doesn't happen in the first seven months of the year then is he happy to wait until January 2017. And what about the next year, and the one after.

And let him know you won't be eligible for NHS testing because not trying continuously.

Also babies can be premature by weeks and weeks.

How old are you?

StarlingMurmuration · 06/08/2015 20:12

I think he is being unreasonable to refuse to try for so long, but I don't think he's unreasonable to prefer an autumn baby. We started trying in October but caught in February/March (DS born in November) and we were pleased he'd be one of the older ones in his year. Yes, it's not the only factor but it is a factor in children's academic success.

FWIW, I'm an April baby and I have a PhD, DP is a June baby and has an excellent degree and very well paid job (much better paid than mine as it happens, so academic success isn't necessarily all that either).

Baffledmumtoday · 06/08/2015 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StampyMum · 06/08/2015 20:13

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers
My baby was born in February in Scotland (February being like August in the school intake stakes) and even before the birth, people advised me to defer his school start if he was a boy. He was a boy and in Scotland, you are entitled to defer Jan, Feb. and even earlier babies - and it's proper deferment, unlike in England. I am so glad that I did - his start at school was transformed by the extra year at nursery school. Given your young age, it's not completely U of your DH to say no to a summer baby. My sister was young for her school year and always felt it. Maybe a rest from TTC could help?

sanfairyanne · 06/08/2015 20:13

you could always emigrate Grin its all different in oz

is your dh generally quite rigid in his thinking?
how do you feel about a few months break this year? if not pregnant by this time next year, then continue trying?

TriJo · 06/08/2015 20:14

We never thought much about the time of year - I'm a summer baby (late June) and ended up with the highest exam results in my year, so it's just something that never came into my head.

Artandco · 06/08/2015 20:15

Oh and both mine are boys

I can't say I have ever seem boys as being behind girls, who decided that? Out of all the children we know it's roughly 50/50 boys and girls and all seem to be around the same level regardless of sex.