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AIBU?

prostitute use

337 replies

BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 08:09

I was talking to my DP of two years last night about stag dos and the issue of prostitutes came up. Whilst I am aware that DP received oral sex from a prostitute in Thailand a couple of years back, he has always maintained that he was in a bar (drunk) and the lady just got under the table and started doing her thing before he even realised what had happened. He also told me he viewed it as a stupid mistake. Whilst obviously not overjoyed by this, I could live with it because he regretted it and I thought he viewed it just as a stupid mistake.

However, last night it emerged that he also went to a brothel on the same holiday and received oral sex. He claims he hasn't lied to me and thought he had told me about the two incidents. I know this isn't true because it is not the sort of thing you forget really is it?

When I raised concerns about the fact that I felt he had lied to me he told me that he didn't see anything wrong with what he had done and that the majority of men would find it hard to resist sex on a plate. When I told him I thought he was better than that and that I felt he had exploited possibly vulnerable women (who often don't have a career choice) he told me that if he was single he would do the same again, as this is what happens on lads holidays and the ladies in Thailand were happy and could do worse than him.

AIBU to have lost trust in him and be devastated by his attitude?

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UrethraFranklin1 · 01/08/2015 12:15

Must be so nice to just sit at home and judge and feel sorry for strangers

Nicer than being paid to fuck strangers for money, yeah.

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KungFuhrer · 01/08/2015 12:15

Take it your either a punter or a pimp then unlucky

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KungFuhrer · 01/08/2015 12:15

You're

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WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 01/08/2015 12:15

So that's a yes.

Western people should not be concerned about this, even though it's western men driving the trade.

Despite the stats, we must assume that all women, children and men selling sex are doing so of their own volition and moreso, they love it.

That's ridiculous. And rather a generalisation

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WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 01/08/2015 12:17

So if you think that these men, women and children selling sex might be unhappy, why is that not a problem, for you?

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woowoo22 · 01/08/2015 12:19

Working in a rice field all day are you shitting me? Have you done ANY travelling in SE Asia?!

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ghostyslovesheep · 01/08/2015 12:22

unlucky4marie when the choice suck cock or starve I'd say that's pretty fucking abusive and wrong - maybe rather than insulting people here and calling them head tilters do a bit of research about the sex industry in Thailand and how women are treated ...

you sound very ignorant on the subject

www.pri.org/stories/2015-05-21/darker-side-thailands-sex-industry-trafficking-underage-girls

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FloraDiesEarly · 01/08/2015 12:26

Recently 3 Leicester City footballers were sacked after video footage emerged of them having sex with prostitutes in Thailand, whilst verbally abusing them with racist slurs etc. I have seen the video, it's available on one of the tabloid websites and it's horrible - my point is, surely if the Thai women had a choice in their profession, they would have been able to say stop being racist or they could have left? But they couldn't.

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grapejuicerocks · 01/08/2015 12:27

What gets me is that there is obviously a big market for prostitutes. I don't know anyone who admits to using one but obviously statistics mean that I probably know men who have used them. Normal supposedly decent men. So that must mean the people I trust aren't always as trustworthy and nice as I think they are. It's really difficult to get my head round the fact that people often aren't what they seem.

Anyway op. You are right to think this guy isn't someone who made a youthful mistake and regrets it. I think in you position, I would probably be seeing it as a deal breaker.

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Sazzle41 · 01/08/2015 12:31

He went to a brothel but only had oral sex. Oh please. So what he is saying, is if he is ever 'offered it on a plate' he is going to take it. Be it from any woman flirting he meets day to day: or on future stag do's for friends.

He can tell himself as much as he likes prostitutes like what they do but the hard statistics (of which you only have to google) are that its either to feed an addiction and/or exploitation/trafficking.

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Mumwithanipad · 01/08/2015 12:36

It would be a deal breaker for me. She should count herself lucky? He would do it again? I can see how some could let it go if he'd thought of it as a silly mistake and had changed his stance now he has grown up a bit. But he thinks it's a totally fine thing to do, and would do it again.

I could never get into a bed again with a man who thinks a woman/girl who likely needs the money to feed her family, has to crawl across the floor in a seedy bar to suck his cock, should think herself lucky.

To the poster who said they choose to be there, the choices these women have are all shit, I'll always feel sorry for women who's best "choice" is to crawl across dirty floors, I'll always feel sorry for women and children who have to be greatful for the priveledge of being allowed to pleasure men for pennies. I'll always want them to have better options, to have a better life, one where they don't need to crawl across floors, but as we are a long long way from that world, I'll continue to judge the men who travel to countries where they know the women are so poor and vulnerable that they selling their bodies for pennies. What kind of man, sticks his dick in someone who they know is only there because she has no other choice?

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LassUnparalleled · 01/08/2015 12:44

"Of course you can judge a man on what he did before you got together! Everyone does, you're an imbecile if you don't.

He's a man who buys the use of a womans body for his own use. He doesn't care if they were underage or trafficked or co-erced by poverty. He's also a liar.
Is that the kind of man you want to be with?"

Exactly. And I'm not buying the first incident was just a juvenile drunken mistake.

Most of us do silly, regrettable things when we are young and more often than not the person who is harmed is the person doing the silly , regrettable thing.

Here "the silly regrettable thing" is an act which requires the person's inner moral compass to be seriously adrift. For me it would be as bad as say being a member of the BNP or being involved in cruelty to animals.

The Damascene conversion from being a truly despicable person to someone decent would have to be spectacular.

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WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 01/08/2015 12:46

grapejuicerocks I know quite a few men who have had sex with prostitutes while on "lads holidays" or stag dos, including some who have been to thailand.

And yes they are normal, nice men who are kind to children and animals and upstanding members of society and funny and all the rest of it, but clearly when it came to a choice between doing the right thing, or not, where their dick was concerned, they went with their dick.

I find this more upsetting really as it just shows up how little so many men think of women, really. Or just "foreign" women? I doubt many would do it in the UK (a couple have). So I look at them being all nice and friendly and playing with their babies and I think, well I know this about you, that you've got this side, and I just can't forget it.

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WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 01/08/2015 12:46

And I always wonder if their partners know, as well.

probably not, is my guess.

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Spanoo · 01/08/2015 12:48

At first I thought "what an idiot".

However, he is probably only saying that he doesn't see anything wrong with it because he is being defensive and trying to justify it to himself. And that probably means he actually realises it is wrong and he does regret it. He told you before that he regrets it he wouldn't have hidden the second occasion from you for so long if he thought it was ok.

I've had similar disagreements with my DP about the morals of strip clubs and porn. And again I think my DP agrees on some level that it is exploitation of vulnerable women but needs to justify his past behaviour so casually says "they enjoy it" etc.

Be strong in your mind though that you are not being unreasonable. If I was you - I'd like to make it clear to him that his apparent attitude is not ok with me, stop talking to him, and see if with a bit of time to think he will admit that he is wrong. Bear in mind that changing his perspective is going to be pretty painful for his ego/conscience though!

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Mermaidhair · 01/08/2015 12:49

I feel so sorry for your dp. The poor guy was at a bar and some hooker thought your dp was so gorgeous she would give him oral, he didn't even ask, he was drunk. Then he went to a brothel where another woman wanted to do something worse with him, but he took the high ground and accepted only oral. Oral sex from prostitures is ok, it's not intercourse is it?

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Aussiemum78 · 01/08/2015 12:54

All kinds of wrong.

You do know that many of these "women" are actually very young girls?

And that the rate of HIV is something like 1 in 8?

I wouldn't knowingly be with a man with this attitude towards vulnerable people.

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moonfacebaby · 01/08/2015 12:55

I ended a friendship with a male friend when he told me about his experience with a prostitute in Thailand - the way he talked about it was utterly foul, like he was telling some amusing story & I was supposed to get it. I remember the phone call & I just blurted out "she's a human being" because he was talking about her like she was a piece of meat.

I never spoke to him again after that.

Your DPs attitude about this is very concerning - the whole "I'd do it again". It's not as if he's done it, then realised it was wrong & shown remorse, or even changed since then.

I'm sorry, Op, but in your position, I'd feel that I had no option it to end my relationship with him. It must be heart-breaking for you but I think that this will always be on your mind now & that's no way to live.

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Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 01/08/2015 13:06

Leave him. That's all.

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SoleBizzzz · 01/08/2015 13:06

A person like that is probably using prostitutes in this country too..

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prorsum · 01/08/2015 13:24

Wow. The lucky ladies of Thailand, how fortunate they are!

He is a POS, your dp. At the very least he thinks the women, if woman she was, are fair game.

In green and pleasant England there are very few places where a person would out of the blue obligingly slide under a table to suck his dick; it would take some negations beforehand, some acknowledgment of what was about to take place, but in Thailand, well it's assumed the minute you book the plane ticket.

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BeatendownGF · 01/08/2015 15:49

Thanks everyone - I'm just taking some breathing space to think things through.

I'm just utterly devastated, I really thought he was a better person than that.

OP posts:

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Bluecheese22 · 01/08/2015 15:55

Maybe you could show him this thread so he can see how appalling what he thinks is acceptable behaviour actually comes across as.

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MuttonDressedAsGoose · 01/08/2015 16:56

I am an escort and I am not comfortable with men visiting developing countries and using prostitutes.

He's probably downplayed what actually happened, as well as having forgotten exactly how much he initially told you.

I don't think you're going to be able to get over this.

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FreudiansSlipper · 01/08/2015 17:17

Plenty of women in the third world countries choose the sex industry over local regional industries

Thank god then for all those kind European men supporting this career choice

Op he is a liar and has an awful attitude towards women this you now know

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