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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 31/07/2015 10:20

You may want him to be a more involved dad but that really is not going to happen. He is who he is and yes, it's unfair.

I think you have to let go of your upset at the unfairness of it all and focus on how you can achieve your goals whilst ensuring your dd gets the care she deserves.

That seems to me achieved by getting into the more local university. Why are you assuming you will not?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 31/07/2015 10:21

OP, don't think of it as wanting him to have her overnight more often so you can have more of a life. Think of it as wanting him to have her overnight more often because he is her dad and it would be nice for HER. You need to get over the resentment. I know it can be sore, but you will and need to get over that. My sons dad ran off and hasn't bothered with him for over 3 years, he is out enjoying himself with his girlfriend and the two kids he's had in that time all the time. I don't resent that, I don't get to do anything as have had no help with severely autistic son, what I do resent is his other kids having the dad my son is meant to have and the fact he has escaped his responsibilities. Sure it annoyed the hell out of me when ex used the excuse that he's 'entitled to a life/entitled to move on' and I thought 'oh, lucky you, shame about me eh?!' but you get over that bit.

Don't compare lifestyles. You have your daughter. That's far better than what he has.

cedricsneer · 31/07/2015 10:27

So he has another child who he rarely sees. He has form for being disengaged with his kids and yet you are still considering this?

You sound incredibly immature. It's all about you. Your future, your jealousy of his lifestyle. And the point settling and tit for tat is equally immature. I'm speechless. Your poor daughter. I agree that your coldness and detachment are chilling. I agree that you should talk to someone.

DadfromUncle · 31/07/2015 10:27

Why would staying in the South be better for dd?

carriebrody · 31/07/2015 10:28

Presumably the OP isn't saying she is going to move away and not see the child at all for three years!

I think these responses are really harsh OP. Over the next year you need to up contact with her father significantly so it is nearer 50-50. How about he has her every other weekend Friday-Monday and an overnight in the week?

That way it will be much less stressful to move to her living with him and seeing you on weekends.

TheVeryThing · 31/07/2015 10:32

I have no doubt that people are judging her father, I certainly am.

He sounds like a complete waste of space and I'm sorry you're left to deal with everything.

I would advise getting as much support as you can for yourself and your dd, and in a year's time a place at a nearby university could give you the fresh start you need.

You're correct that your plan wasn't a good one, but I don't blame you for feeling angry and resentful at your ex.

Take care Flowers

GraysAnalogy · 31/07/2015 10:37

Thing is it wouldn't be OP's sacrifice would it, it would be the daughters.

OP lots of single mothers go to uni. Lots have demanding hours like medics, paramedics, student nurses etc and they manage perfectly. You CAN do this with your child.

And people posting the OU course, you have to already be working for a social care agency and have the employers backing. Not very likely for most people is it.

teacherwith2kids · 31/07/2015 10:40

I think that you have made a lot of assumptions - natural ones, but not necessarily grounded in fact - and have arrived at an extreme position as a result. I do also think that resentment of your DD's father and the freedoms he has - and perhaps a desire to 'gain revenge' by single-handedly curtailing those freedoms at a stroke - is clouding your judgement.

You have assumed:

  • That to move into your chosen field of work you have to go to specific universities. There are more ways than one of skinning a cat, and perhaps through looking at distance learning, part-time courses, work-based training, starting at a lower level then studying 'on the job' to progress, you may find another solution. Not such an obvious, 'mainstream' one, perhaps, but one that will still allow you to reach your goal. When retraining as a teacher, my 'mainstream' option would have been a full-time PGCE at a well-known university. As I was constrained by family circumstances, my 'alternative' route was a strange part-time flexible PGCE at a much lesser-known institution - I am now a teacher.
  • The best medical care and support for your DD is where you are now. Onward referrals can be made to specialists wherever you move to.
  • Childcare will not be possible without family and DD's dad. Many, many people do not have either. Universities are usually well-provided with childcare, often highly subsidised. I knew single-parent students with small children when I was at university, and I suspect they found childcare easier at that point than when they emerged from the university into first jobs.
  • Your DD will be well cared for by her dad. How would it feel if, in the course of 'making a better future' you set your DD up to be ignored or, worse, neglected? if you have left her in your current area to attend medical appointments, but she never keeps them because of a dad who doesn't care much?

Break the issues of moving down into much smaller steps, and see which are genuinely insurmountable, and which in fact are 'straw men'.

Morloth · 31/07/2015 10:43

She has a dad who isn't interested. I can think of anything that would be worse than to be dumped by her Mum as well.

It isn't fair, but she is the only one with rights here. The two adults have only responsibilities.

The thought of doing this to my children makes me feel a bit sick.

FuturePerfect · 31/07/2015 10:44

Would you like to be 'given' to someone?

FizzlePops · 31/07/2015 10:45

Yabu-unfathomable to me regardless of your career plans and a bit selfish on your part OP.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 31/07/2015 10:46

OP, if you wanted to go to Uni during the week and have weekend custody (say) with an established co parent more power too you. But your ex doesn't care and you realise this which just makes it awful. It's like your child has 2 parents who don't care.

Doing a degree with a child really isn't that big of a deal. On almost every course there will be a parent juggling this.

You can commute, or move her with you. Neither are insurmountable.

youarekiddingme · 31/07/2015 10:47

You say you split recently? So this LOne parenting is new to you and your adjusting? I think that's the issue here. You've yet to accept the life you have Vs the one you thought you'd have whilst another woman gets your husband and the life with him you expected - without the added parenting 24/7.

I'd give it time. The OU is definitely the best study option for you if your parenting full time as well. Especially when you have a child with SN too.

But I really honestly wouldn't make any decisions whilst your still in the adjusting stage. Trust me I've been there.

ChunkyStory · 31/07/2015 10:48

Aside from all the arguments given above, I can't imagine the father even agreeing to this?!

ancientbuchanan · 31/07/2015 10:48

not read tft and can't put my hand to the research but think it suggests that children left by their mothers suffer greatly . Really think again.

Mrsjayy · 31/07/2015 10:49

You could go to college do social Care work up to your degree although I'm assuming you havnt done that already and maybe apply locally when she is a bit older. It's shit he isn't a better dad but what makes you think forcing him will do make him a better one it won't work like that. look for other ways to have a better life for you both

Goldmandra · 31/07/2015 10:50

I feel desperately sorry for this little girl.

Whatever happens, she will be primarily considered an inconvenience by both of her parents who are more concerned with making the other take a greater part of the burden of caring for her than her well being.

You're so hung up on the pseudo-feminism that you've lost sight of the real issue here. Your child has a home and a, presumably, secure attachment to you. This is crucial to her ability to grow up healthy and able to build future relationships. You are considering engineering a situation which forces someone with whom she does not have that attachment to take over her care so that you can earn more money in the future. It doesn't matter one jot whether you are a mother, father, grandparent or adoptive parent and it makes no difference whether the person you want to send her to has a penis, a vagina or a flipping banana down there; the fact that he is her biological father does not make him a good parent if he only sees her for a few hours a week and thinks the experience is OK.

Your little girl needs to live with someone who takes delight in her presence, celebrates her achievements, enjoys freely offering her love and affection and fights her corner when she's being pushed around. If you can find someone else who will genuinely offer her all those things and more, you will still cause her harm by walking out of her life but at least you will leave her with the chance of building high quality new relationships. Walk away but don't ever expect to walk back in.

If you cant find someone who can give her all of that, please don't use your gender to justify destroying her life. You are currently her primary carer and that, not your vagina, makes you the best person to continue caring for her.

You chose to have sex. You now need to take responsibility for the life you created. The fact that he doesn't want to take his share of the responsibility just makes him a tosser. It doesn't excuse you shirking the task in any way.

Featherbluedot · 31/07/2015 10:51

The irony being you're looking to do a course in Social Work and willing to leave your 3 yr old DC to do it.

KungFuhrer · 31/07/2015 10:53

Have you looked into what childcare the university will provide?

GoneGirlGone · 31/07/2015 10:59

Poor child

TheVeryThing · 31/07/2015 11:00

Could the people laying in to the Op please read her post at 10.04?

She agrees it's a bad idea but is struggling with a recent split and a completely useless ex.

Give her a break.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/07/2015 11:00

Take your kid with you. Many social work students are parents... Most are child friendly courses.

Either that or if you truly don't want tthe hassle of being a parent - is there grandparents that cam foster her for 3 years? ... I would unlikely ask your ex-he seemd chillingly disngaged.

Im not judgung you - kinship fostering works sucessfully in other countries.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 31/07/2015 11:04

In theory, I don't think it's a wrong one. I have a friend who left her baby in her country of origin to come to the UK.

15 years later, they have both a wonderful relationship and a wonderful life here in the UK.

However, the difference was that the person who looked after the baby in the mother's absence wanted to do so.

OP, your ex doesn't want his DD part time, let alone full time. And you can't make him Sad.

I suspect you feel trapped. And this is an escape plan. Understandable. But not workable. You need a different plan.

MizK · 31/07/2015 11:05

Don't leave your daughter. Jesus. Yes, many men put their personal career goals etc before their children. That is nothing to aspire to. You can have both. Social work isn't a particularly niche field to train in is it? Surely many universities offer courses in it? Seems hard to reconcile your drive to choose a profession in which you help/care for vulnerable people yet are considering turning the life of your very young daughter completely upside down.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 31/07/2015 11:08

Your poor DD. One parent who is disinterested, puts in the bare minimum and is able to walk out of her life in all.but name.

The other also wants to do the same.