To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

[Sarahblack1]

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

I am going to be honest with you OP. I have a 3 yo DD and I couldn't imagine being away from her like how you are suggesting. I couldn't do it, I'd miss her beyond belief. I can't believe you would even consider this, I don't think you are doing this for her good, but because you are selfish, pure and simple.

You have a child, some options, like university away, are not open to you anymore. That's the sacrifice parents make.

In the long run your child will benefit most from having a loving and committed parent present in her life, rather than a better paid one that's been absent. Even if this means missing out on the material things that having a better job might bring. Maybe you could wait until she starts school and then attend university part-time or study through the open university?

I would question whether someone who could leave their child with an indifferent ex-partner really has the right qualities to be a social worker anyway.

yes you can do a social work degree with the OU: www.open.ac.uk/courses/qualifications/q32
I think it is sad that you say you are doing this for a better life for yourself and dd yet you are very aware that by 6, she may not want to live with you again. and you are abandoning her to a man who isn't fussed. that's hardly giving her a better life. To give our children a better life occasionally requires us to make sacrifices. they are only little once. you can never reverse the clock if it all goes wrong.

I stand corrected.

OP hasn't responded.

No I would not want to work with children, I would want work with adults and the elderly.

I could take her with me but I don't think I would be able to handle being on my own with her, with no family or her father around to help with childcare if needed be.

I am not an natural mother, I have tried get him more actively involved but it seems because he has a penis, he can see her 5/6 hours a week and still be considered a great father. He also has a son who lives 6 hours away who he rarely sees, yet is never judged on that. I want to go to university to provide a better future yet because I got a vagina I am torn down.

I hope maybe he would step up if I put him in that situation but I think your right it would be wrong to force it. I am spending this year, improving my application for university so I hope I do get into the nearby university.

I can't believe you are even considering this

Of course yabu.

Put your dd first and do what is in her best interests.

(Hint - That is not you buggering off and dumping her with a less than ideal father!!)

I went to uni with a 3 year old. It's not impossible & social work courses in general are family friendly. The university will have lots of support eg onsite nursery or local nursery associated and probably subside the places so you're not paying the full fees. Moving which a 3yr old while inconvenient is not impossible. Sure you'd have very little nightlife but believe me social work courses are nothing like the undergrad party-fest. There will be others who have kids and you can arrange play dates to suss them out to see if mutual babysitting deal can be arranged for the odd night off.

Unlike everyone else here I won't go all judgeypants on you because I understand the sentiments of wanting to do the best for your daughters future by making what you believe to be a sacrifice now rather than later. If her dad was a more involved (ie shared residency) father then I'd say go for it, but it's not coming across that way and you'd want to be sure she was having all her needs met. I don't think it's a child protection issue to consider it an option (Ffs these people need to put down the daily mail) but if you're having to ask strangers if it's unreasonable I'm guessing you already know the answer to that.

*subsidise not subside (autocorrect)

Your dd will be 6/7 when you qualify she might not want to come back and live with you i think you are being unfair and selfish she hardly sees her dad you are her main carer 3 yr olds dont care if you are making a better future for her, if she is waiting for appoimtments then she can either transfer hospitals or you need to stay where you are.

In England the OU course is only available if you are already working in social care.

Really sorry but I just cannot see how you could ever think this was a good idea.

Your DD comes first, if that means you can't go to university to do a course in social work then that's what it means.

The fact that you are asking this question when your interest lies in social work is more than surprising to me.

How does your daughter feel about staying with her father? Does she get excited about seeing him? Does she come back from her visits with him glowing with happiness? How does she feel after her overnight stays with her father?

If you are proposing that your daughter's father take on her full time care I think you have to be confident that he has a suitable home for her. That he is fully capable of caring for her full time. How good is he with her daily routine? What sort of food does he give her? Does he play with her? Has he taught her shapes, colours or anything? Does he recognise when she needs new shoes? How does his job impact on child care? Does he have a support network? The questions are endless.

How often would you plan to see your daughter one week day and every other week end? Every week end? How much maintenance would you pay?

I sit here looking at my 3 year old DD and I cannot imagine choosing to walk away from her. How do you explain that to a 3 year old? The person she takes all her comfort and love from is going to disappear.

You sounds fed up of being her mum & resentful of her dad for only having to spend 5-6 hours with her.

I think you need some counselling as you sound pretty detached from your daughter and that's not normal.

I get fed up, think about road less travelled / sliding doors - BUT, I wouldn't be without my kids.

My mum walked out when I was 6, then tried to reappear when it's was good for her. We've been NC for nearly 10 years. Would you really want that?

This isn't to do with genitals or gender,OP,it is to do with neglectful parenting.And I think you'll find that,on this thread at least,that he isn't viewed as Dad of the Year at all.

I think you need to address your resentment about being a single parent....when it comes to the stage that you're considering leaving her with someone who really doesn't seem to want her,then that truly is neglect.

Btw better yourself by all means but i think you need to keep her with you or up her fathers days or something

I want to go to university to provide a better future yet because I got a vagina I am torn down

It has nothing to do with your vagina and everything to do with the fact that you chose to have this child and now want to dump her and fuck off because you've decided you're not a natural mother.

You being a knob won't make him less of a knob. It will just mean that this little girl has two deadbeat parents who won't put her first rather than one.

I would be extremely concerned about how this would impact your DD's emotional well being and shape her as an adult. I think this could actually change her forever and I personally couldn't live with the responsibility of doing that.

Oh my goodness, rarely do threads leave me speechless....

I don't get this. OP, do you love and are bonded to your daughter? I can't, for the life of me, understand why anyone who is would consider sending their daughter to live with someone else for a few years, which will end up permanent, so they could go to a different uni! That's awful. You're a mum, you should be putting her first but what you're doing is putting her last, unless you are an unfit mum/one who isn't bonded. Even then you are thinking of sending her to live with her dad who sees having her overnight once occasionally as 'it's ok'. Ok? How on earth could you be alright with that?

What's more, you say this is to improve your daughters future. How exactly? If she lives with her dad for the years you are at uni, do you really think as soon as you finish she'll be coming back? I'd bet that either she won't want to or her dad, after that time, will say no and fight you! He'd likely win that fight. It's for you, not for her.

When exactly would you be planning on seeing her?

And what if her dad said no to this plan? Would you then resent your daughter for 'getting in the way' of your career? A career in social work that you want to abandon your own child to do?

I think YANBU IF you really thought your daughter would be happy and secure with her father.

Wanting to better yourself for your child's future is a perfectly valid reason for moving away short-term, IMO.

In this particular case, though, it sounds as though she might not be happy and secure with her father.

I think Regina above has some words of wisdom/experience that you could consider.

Good luck whatever you decide.

And sod off those posters asking if you love your daughter , telling you how selfish or uninterested you are, etc.

People have to face tough choices sometimes and I for one believe the OP has good reasons for considering this.

Sarah I empathise I really do. I'm not a "natural mother" (who is?). It's hard to decide what to do when you have a career goal in mind - I changed career after maternity leave and it impacted on my family, we have got as much support as possible from extended family and found paid childcare that suits us.

Have you been diagnosed with depression perchance? Or maybe undiagnosed PND? With my depression I became very single focus, overwhelmed by "grey areas" (preferred black and white thinking like you're doing), and found it hard to believe my children needed me. But she has a close bond with you (regardless of genital appendage! As you've focused on in your update) so she needs you.You know going to her father full time is not right for her.

Dump her at 3, try and re-establish relationships when she's 7?
How do you think that's going to work out?
Have you talked this over with your relatives, parents, siblings to see if they can help out?

'Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent'
Is that your prime concern, what other adults will think of you?
No, you won't be looked down on for not being the primary parent, but that's not what you are planning on doing, is it?
You are thinking of dumping a child with additional needs on an ex who has an indifferent relationship with her. For years.

I think this is very difficult and I do think the OP has a point that men are able to make these sorts of decisions and travel / study / work away from family for sometimes great amounts of time and are admired for it while a woman in the same position is a pariah.....

However, I'd like to add my own experience here - as a child/young teenager my mother went to university far away from our home (5/6 hours away) so she stayed there and usually came home at weekends for three years. I'm an adult with my own children now but having my own dcs had only made it feel worse and the whole thing had a huge negative impact on me for so many reasons.