To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

[Sarahblack1]

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

Incidentally, if your recent posts are intended to convey anything more positive than the earlier, they are signally failing. And you're wasting spite on me, I'm afraid. You aren't ever going to cause the least scrap of upset.

OP, I think this book may be helpful. It's not often discussed, but maternal ambivalence is actually quite common.

Apologies. I misread. You just searched all my posts on this thread. Still weird.

Do you think being this obsessive about defending the OP is in any way helpful? Genuinely? Jumping all over someone else's problem so you can pontificate to other people is not helpful in the slightest.

I've read the whole thread and although I initially was shocked by your detached and uncaring tone of voice. But having read the whole thread I am thinking that you sound really strained and not coping.

Can you see your GP to get support for your mood and mental health, and then also start getting some practical support in place? I'm thinking of free hours at nursery, home start help and anything else you can muster from family & friends.

And after all of that is up and running, see how you feel then. See what other directions and plans are out there, there will be more than you think right now, if you are in the depths of it all.

Sometimes people say shocking things to see what other people say back - if they agree with you or not. Like, you say ' don't care about my child' and if people reply say 'yes, you are a bad mother' then somehow it can confirm what you dread and become a self fulfilling prophesy. With that in mind, sometimes people need to hear that they aren't that bad and there's hope, to hear people saying no, I disagree, you're not that person and you need help.

On the other hand, sometimes people need to hear that what they're thinking of is just not ok...

I'm not sure what you need to hear but you've had plenty of the latter, so think it's most useful of me to focus on the former.

Whist, you can tell yourself whatever you like about your own behaviour on this thread. Everyone else can read.

OP, I hope you feel better soon. Things will improve, really they will.

Thought I update you. Things have been pretty good with my daughter, I been in a better mood and in turn she seems to have been better behaved! also going to bed at an reasonable time which is great!

Things with her father taken a turn for the worse, there been no contact for 7 days. I sent 2 emails to my ex this week and he has not bothered to reply. I have no idea when he is next seeing her or if he even wants too. The emails I sent were both quite angry out frustration, I gave him an ultimatum to step up or fuck off for good.

I think I may even cut him out of her life completely, he does not help me at all with actually parenting her or childcare. I think I be less stressed and more accepting of the unfairness of the situation if I don't ever have see him again./ I don't think he brings much to our daughter life, she doesn't even get excited about seeing him anymore.

As you see my head all over the place.

Glad things have been better in some ways op. It's good of you to update seeing as you have got lots of negative comments here. I would concentrate on one day at a time and see how situation with ex develops rather than issuing ultimatums though. Hope ex is paying maintenance?

Hi Sarahblack. Haven't read the full thread sorry but just wanted to let you know that I studied for a degree as a single parent with no family around for childcare and uni an hour away on public transport (couldn't drive then). It was tough but it can be done. I studied part time so my course took a little longer. I was actually considered a full time student as my hours were over half so I was still able to get funding for my course (not sure if that applies now, I think a lot has changed regarding funding since I studied). I started my course when dd was four and at full time school so I made sure my classes were between 10am and 2pm as I needed to be there for school runs. I had one day off a week and used it to do my coursework and did some in the evenings. Did all my housework on a Sunday. Good luck.

Good luck sarah

I wish men like that were publicly named & shamed. And maybe peer pressure from all the good men out there would force them to step up to their parenting responsibilities.

keep your chin up sarah, it sounds like you're going through a really difficult time. Love and cherish your DD, see your go if you need help with your mood/stress, and ask your family and friends for support.

Try not to worry about your ex, if he doesn't want to see his daughter then it's his loss isn't it, he's not getting the better deal YOU are because you get to enjoy and experience your DD growing up and that's not something that can be bought.

Please don't leave her fo uni though, there are many options available, and think about it, this is her life, her childhood. She'll never be 3/4 again, and it won't be put on hold. Love her and make a new life for yourselves together.

sarah

My EXH and I split up when my DS was a baby. The split was entirely my choice but even so I felt so angry for a very long time (years) at my ex's ability to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. All contact had to be arranged around, his work, his new partner and his social life. Contact was cancelled at the last minute, changed at the last minute and he used to bring DS back early if he had something better to do with his time.

God I was resentful and angry and I thought about packing up my DS's stuff and just taking him round to his dad's and leaving him there. Just so that he could see what it was like to never be able to organise anything in advance, to always be the one who had to be there, to be the one who had to organise and pay for childcare, to have to think about back up plans, just in case the NRP cancelled contact for no apparent reason.

At one time my ex had DS for one overnight per week. Two years ago this changed to one overnight per fortnight, as apparently he "needs a social life".

However DS is now 11yo. He knows that his dad would rather go to the pub than see him. He has lied to DS about the reasons for not having him (work related) and then DS has seen him sitting outside the pub. Don't get me wrong, DS loves his dad BUT he knows that his dad is a bit of a waste of space. During times when DS is a bit down he cries that his dad doesn't love him. I have told him that his dad loves him but that he has limitations about how much time he will spend with him and that there is nothing that I can do about that, because that is outside of my control. I can't force him to see his son.

And that is where I have made peace with the situation. I cannot control my ex and how he spends his time. I cannot make my son feel better about it, because there is nothing that I can do. And as my DS has got older it has got easier in terms of child care. I have also changed as I have got older and I no longer want to do the things that I used to do when I was younger. So I don't need babysitters as much any more and if my ex cancels seeing him because he has to "work", well that's his look out because my DS sees through his bullshit.

I have no advice to offer you but I can empathise. It will pass, I can promise you that much. As your DD gets older things will get easier for you both. You are young. By the time that your DD is at school you will have a bit more free time for study, if that's what you want to do. I have been in my dead end job for ten years since my DS was a baby and I hate it. However I haven't got much longer to wait before he starts secondary school in September and I can look for something better, as I won't need wrap around child care.

Things will change over time and all you can do is look after yourself. Forget about him, he is not worth space in your head.

Have you heard of Home Start, Sarah? You can self-refer, and they would give you the respite and headspace time you sound like you very sorely need. You can self-refer, and single parents, PND parents, parents with a disabled child etc etc etc are their target clients.

This really is the hardest part. Two years from now, and she'll be in fulltime school. They are out of extreme infancy so, so fast. But at the time, it feels like forever sometimes, doesn't it.

Thanks for the update Sarah. It's often the case with children that their behaviour and moods reflect our own. Ds is at his worst exactly when I am! And 3 was a bloody hard age anyway - lots more so than 2. But it will improve. Your dd loves you and needs you - more so as your ex seemingly doesn't care. I know that's a lot of pressure on you and I do hope that your ex steps up having received your emails and had time to digest them. But if not, you do have options and the strength of your relationship with your dd will be what keeps you both strong. Good luck and do try to speak to someone in RL.

You must know your dd comes first, before anything in life, including education.

^ This.

Are you even interested in your daughter??! Poor child.

Hey there OP, it may well help if the ex disappears from your life, it's so hard to move on when he's there showing everyday how bloody unfair the situation is.

Have you given any thought to getting some more help like Home Start, or councelling / gp input to help you cone to terms with all this?

By the way, I'd ignore any remaining comments which are just random pot shots without having read the thread, or even just your posts.