To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

[Sarahblack1]

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

ps. I didn't read rest of the posts.

dont do this-it wont work. you are not going to be able to study happily-you'll be worrying every second and your kid could really suffer. it's great that you want to do something with your life, but Sarablack1, trust me/us on this, find a way of keeping her with you.

dont do this-it wont work. you are not going to be able to study happily-you'll be worrying every second and your kid could really suffer. it's great that you want to do something with your life, but Sarablack1, trust me/us on this, find a way of keeping her with you.

Lolol, so you're on about training to look after others in a caring profession but you're leaving your daughter with a can't be arsed dad? Hello?

I get the feeling neither of you can be bothered. Poor child.

Those unable to see and empathise with this have severly limited emotional range / poor levels of emotional literacy.

Yes that will work. Insult everyone who has a different point of view.

Op, are you ok?

This seems to be a reaction to the stress the OP is under. Very recently was separated from her husband and 3 year olds are very demanding and there seems to be SN issues with her dd? And no help from the father.
But don't do it. Things will get easier for you. Is there anyone that can help you ? Is moving nearer to your family an option?

Yes that will work. Insult everyone who has a different point of view.

Oh yes, insulting people is so awful, isn't it? Unless you're attacking a depressed, stressed, overwhelmed single mother, of course. Then it's just differing perspectives.

When a thread is several hundred posts long it's a good idea to at least check skim the last page or even just the OPs posts. There would be less of a pile in because you can see the OP said it was a bad idea pages and pages back.

I know Aibu can be harsh but some of the comments here are disgusting. It's one of the worst pile ons I've seen in a while.

OP I hope you managed to find some good advice amongst the shite. I hope you get into the local uni.

Yes that will work. Insult everyone who has a different point of view.

If posters are insulting the OP they deserve to be insulted in turn. Don't dish is out if you can't take it, and don't try to make posters who are called on their bullsh*t into victims. The OP came for advice and was subjected to abuse - anyone posting that kind of rubbish shouldn't be reaching for the smelling salts when other people object.

Sarah, your daughter WILL know who has made all the sacrifices for her I promise. I speak from experience having been brought up by just my mum.

OP do you have family/close friends nearby? Would they not if you had a word about how your feeling have your DD for occasional sleepovers so you can have a bit of adult life?

You sound quite depressed you should see GP. Also social work is a very difficult sector ( I qualified and left after four years as it was just so emotionally draining!) but if its what you want to do Uni will be very helpful. I did degree travelled 3.5 hours daily to uni and received a bursary to help towards childcare costs plus it is very unlikely you will need to be there every day I went 2-3 times a week and had holidays off. However placements are mon-fri . My DD has a disinterested dad who now hasn't seen her for about six years some people are just selfish assholes you can't change that.

Jdee- I was merely commenting on a post where the poster said

Those unable to see and empathise with this have severly limited emotional range / poor levels of emotional literacy

I just think that if you want to use a persuasive stance, that it not the best way and will alienate those you wish to persuade or influence.

I hope the OP is OK.

If both you and XP are okay with it, then it's fine.

The OP came for advice and was subjected to abuse

I've commented about people not reading the thread but this? No, I'm sorry. OP posted about leaving her child with someone totally disinterested in her.

Good to see how much more compassionate your posts have become, Battleaxe. Your initial stance was, You seem more excited about doing this course than you do about having a daughter.

And Whist the defensiveness just made me search your username in this thread, with wholly predictable findings.

Nobody with a brain would think what the OP suggested in her first post was a good idea. But nobody with a brain and heart would make the sort of comments so many have here, because 1) they would realise there was a high chance the OP was just desperate, and 2) they would realise that supporting the OP would be the single best way to help her child, as well as her.

Mumsnet can at times offer staggering and very moving levels of support to women suffering from maternal ambivance. I could link to two threads off the top of my head where women talk about this common, but under-discussed issue, where they had the most incredible, stellar backup from a range of posters. (One came back a year or so later and said how much that had meant, and what a difference the advice had wrought in her life, and that of her son's.) It can also, as this thread clearly shows, be absolutely fucking horrible.

Hi OP sorry I posted and ran the other day. As I posted I totally understand the feelings your having which you admitted in later posts. I had to stay away as I felt some comments were so unfair and uncaring it bought back bad memories for me. So sorry for going

Be kind to yourself. Remember you are entitled to follow your dreams too. It may not be the pathway you originally chose but you'll do it.

Best of luck

Op, I've just finished the first year of a SW degree as a single parent of 2 children.

Wherever you live, you will be fine during the first year as you'll be on campus and can easily use the uni's nursery (or another nursery of your choice). Contact hours for the first year were about 25 per week on my course. Student finance will pay 80% of whatever hours you incur after your free hours run out.

The second and third years may be trickier as you will be on placement, but there are many options. You could get a childminder or nanny to do the wrap around care (and get 80% of it paid for by student finance), assuming your dd will be at school then.

It's harder with kids but doable. Just remember to get your dd in childcare for more hours than just your lectures so you have time to do assignments and study too.

"Add message | Report | Message poster FirstWeTakeManhattan Sat 01-Aug-15 12:00:45
Surely it's not fucking rocket science to see that the thread has moved on and maybe you should inform yourself of what is being discussed before stomping in

I haven't fallen foul of it, but it's also not fucking rocket science to know that people don't always have chance to RTFT if it's lengthy. Not ideal, but doesn't make them worthy of being screamed at.

Obviously we're at the stage now of the thread, where any poster failing to toe the current party line will be accused of being a bully and not RTFfuckingT.

I'm glad the OP is getting helpful support and generally kind responses, but it doesn't half irritate me how these threads go sometimes."

Firstwetakemahatten

Of course it's fine if posters don't have time to read the thread but, if they are so utterly pressed for time because presumeably they have to race to do their shift at The Smaritans or curing cancer, why then do they comment?

What sort of peculiar arrogance makes them think that the thread needs their deliberately uninformed opinion?

The thread won't collapse without angrytwat53 adding 'I think you should be ashamed of yourself - there are plenty of those. Why not just think 'I do not have time to read the thread so I will move on to something upon which I can comment without potentially looking like an asshole.'

Although I have to say the 'doesn't make them worthy of being screamed at' was very funny if you enjoy irony.

The thing that astonishes me most about this thread is the number of mothers who have apparently never felt like emigrating or worse when at home alone with a 3-year-old! But perhaps if you never said it out loud then it didn't happen Or maybe you genuinely never did get that "Will no-one relieve me of this turbulent toddler?" feeling. If so I can only say your circumstances were different so you are not in a position to judge. (No, your circumstances were not exactly the same. For one thing you are not the same person.)

I never met a more "natural mother" than my own DM (though she would have denied it herself - finger painting was never her thing), and a generally kind, caring person. I never had doubts that she loved us absolutely and unconditionally. When I was just a few weeks old the HV asked her "How is darling Annie today?" to which DM replied "Darling Annie nearly found herself on the nearest doorstep last night". HV was quite shocked. DM told me this anecdote herself with some amusement in hindsight. It did help when I was awake with my own DC many years later, to know you can be a good mother despite sometimes being at the end of your tether.

It's honest though, you think about these things in the dead of night when your child won't sleep, but you'd never, ever do them. When you find yourself actually making plans about how to leave the kid, that is when you really should say it out loud to someone who may be able to help. There are always options but sometimes when you're up to your neck in the brown stuff you just can't see them. OP has stated those feelings and been offered some very sound advice which she appears to have taken on board. She has also stated categorically that her child is very much loved and properly looked after. Then someone else jumps in with naily boots, having not read past the title let alone the first post... Fortunately the majority have either been helpful or have at least moderated their comments after catching up with the thread, which is fair enough. Pagwatch as usual summed things up extremely well.

sleep would you care to expand on what you mean by predictable findings when you rather weirdly searched through my previous posts?

Over invested springs to mind...

Whist, I'm entertained by the notion that I might ever bother justifying myself to someone who can behave as you have done here. Hell may well freeze first.

I can only hope that when your own life is troublesome you do not encounter people such as yourself. Nobody deserves that.

Wtf are you on about?

Out of plenty of posters, you've leapt on me. You've searched my history. You seem determined to be weird and nasty...only to me.

Do you honestly think you're in a position to lecture?

I'm going to guess that you have ishoos in your rl since that's just not normal behaviour. Particularly as I assume you don't know OP from Adam.

Take a step back, dear. This thread is obviously not good for you :)

I've not searched your history. Why on earth would I want to? Find field on this thread, in context with your posts. If you aren't prepared to stand by them, maybe don't make them? Just a thought.