To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

[Sarahblack1]

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

well you asked for opinions....

I know what you mean about how a man who doesn't step up is viewed, by some people, as being an okay parent. That said, your child isn't and shouldn't be a social experiment. You can study through the OU so why not? It sounds like you want to get rid of her. I'm not having a go at you for that.

if the father was 100% enthusiastic, I'd say different. But he isn't. I suppose you are thinking your child can stay with one unenthusiastic parent or the the other - but you have coped till now whereas we dont know how how her dad would cope.

You're not the only couple I've heard off who ended up trying to palm the children off on to the other, sadly.

but the fact is you did have her, and you two are the adults who made that decision, so you both now have to make a decision of what's the kindest and fairest way to treat her.

I wonder if you would actually be better off moving closer to the father so you can divide the care more?

I feel so sorry for children who aren't wanted by either parent. I don't blame the parents - I think as a society, the choice to have children is seen as automatic and no one is encouraged to think it over.

This can't just be about the course. You must be realistic enough to know that the course might not suit you, or later on the work might not suit you. Anything could happen. So give your child some stability and study a different way.

OP, I can totally understand the frustration and resentment. You wouldn't be the first single mother to be left 'holding the baby' and full of resentment that you have all the responsibility while your X has no such constraints. And I can understand that feeling of being trapped - that your responsibilities prevent you from achieving the life that would actually make life better for your DD and yourself. It's a travesty that uninvolved NRPs aren't stigmatised more in our society. You sound very worn out by it all and for that I sympathise.

However, I think giving your DD (assuming your X would even have her) would be a huge mistake that could have profound effects on your DD and eventually eat you up with self-loathing. I think it's a decision you're considering because you're not in a good place, not because you're not naturally maternal or anything.

First of all, you say you and your X split when your DD was 2.6 and she is now only 3. Obviously the split is relatively recent. Your DD hasn't had a chance to fully adjust to it. Another change foisted on her now could be really unsettling and cause her attachment issues.

Nor have you given yourself time to recover from the split. Part of the way you're feeling is because of the loss of the future you were hoping to have with your X. You feel cheated. Part of the resentment is being caused by seeing your X free to carve out a new future much more easily than you. And that's a normal, healthy way to feel at this stage. It will pass if you allow your time to grieve and then put your effort into finding ways to carve a new future with the responsibilities you have. And even better, creating that new life with those responsibilities will make you feel proud, strong and invincible. Your confidence will improve hugely and you will realise that you, not your X, is the person who has the life to be envious of.

Ultimately, when life turns a bit shit and you're in an unfair situation (and you are, let's be clear about that), all you have left to fall back on is 'doing the right thing'. In this case, that means being the parent who has a conscience. From what you've said about your X, his poor level of involvement would spell disaster for your D.

Work towards getting in to the local university, but don't be scared to move with your DD. I was a single parent to two and I retrained after a few years of feeling like you do now. I empathise with the resentment you feel, but the only solution to it is to change your life. It's not passing on the responsibility to someone who can't live up to it, nor is it allowing yourself to fester in bitterness and rail at the unfairness to it. I won't lie about how hard it was - I was permanently knackered for a while and often stressed about money and juggling childcare (I have no family either), but I made it work because I had to. There is nothing special about me. Like many other single parents, I make things work because the only alternative is going under and to me that isn't an option. You can do exactly the same.

Good luck.

If her dad was a fully involved keen father who actively wanted the DD to live with him, it would be a completely different scenario.

But he isn't, he is shit. Don't be shit as well.

Figure out a way to do it with your little girl.

OP "I am jealous of the life he and his girlfriend leads while I struggle raising a child on my own"

it would make more sense to get him to take on more of the childcare so you can have study time at home. Could you move to his town?

Poor little girl.
2 parents who seem to think she is disposable :(

I agree with all posters. Please do not leave your 3 year old she needs you. I'm quite shocked you're looking to go into social work and this even seems like a good option for you.... Are you not very bonded with your daughter? She'll always remember you left her, she won't understand that it's so you can get a better job so she can have more in the future. it sounds like she hardly spends any time with her Dad.....Not a good idea to suddenly give her to him full time....Very foolish and a bit selfish...Sorry. I have a 1 year old and I would never put anything above being there for her as her primary carer, I'm all she's ever known as her primary carer for her whole life. How stressful it'd be for her if I just left and went to study far away and left her with someone she's not used to seeing very much !

Having no freedom to go out won't last forever. Your the parent thst stuck around and you will be rewarded for that later on. I raised my dd1 for 15 years with no input off her father, it was hard but when I look at her I know it's all my doing at how well she has turned out

I have a couple of friends with kids that have gone to uni and it was doable once they started school.

Don't give her up, it will be the worst thing you do.

I agree with Upthechimney and Poundingthestreets.

There are ways through this; but you need to think more flexibly.

Give yourself time to adjust to your new life without your husband, OP - from the sound of it, you just split from him a few months ago. You don't give the reasons for your break-up but, whatever they are (and especially if he left you for a new girlfriend), you will still be in shock emotionally and are probably very hurt and angry. This is not the right time to be making any big, life-changing decisions, especially one involving your young child.

If you had a bad time emotionally before your break-up - stressed, distracted and uncertain about the future - you may temporarily have lost your bond with your daughter. It can happen if you become very introspective and depressed by your own troubles. I don't believe you would ever have contemplated giving up your daughter if nothing had happened to break up your marriage, would you?

Give yourself time to recover from a very bad emotional experience - you presently feel betrayed, angry and resentful. In a year's time, you will have adjusted to being a lone parent and will thank God that you have your daughter, not your husband. Don't do - or try to do - anything rash before you've had time to heal.

Before I reads all your replies I need to say... I started and completed a degree with a newborn breastfeeding. My travel time was 1.5hrs there and back.

I never once thought about moving? I never once thought about leaving my child? And tbh if I found this situation too difficult it would be the child that was dumped it would of been my degree!

You want to be a social worker? hope this is not a social worker for children because you clearly don't know how a child's mind works and about there wellbeing.

I really don't mean to sound rude I just feel a little bit frustrated for you little girl.

OP I don't think your desperation is "pseudo-feminism." You're absolutely right: because your exH has a penis, he's thinks he has the right to "move on" as if he hasn't fathered 2 children. He's been socialised to think he can just move on, when the adult responsibilities of being a good grown-up parent are too much for him, the sensitive plant.

He is one of hundreds or thousands of deadbeat dads. I wish there was a way of calling time on this appalling behaviour. I sometimes fantasise about taxing all men an extra 1% to cover the thousands of men who aren't grown up enough to be the parents they need to be. The rest of us end up paying for it.

But as you've come to see, a woman who tries to do that is judged harshly.

But that's for the real reason that there's a gorgeous scrap of a child involved, who needs someone to care for her absolutely. And that's the bind for mothers.

I hope you have some support IRL to talk through all the possible options. It's not black & white, there are options and you can take it step by step

YABU - what sort of mother wants to just dump her child so she can go to uni in a other town?

My answer would be the same if you was a man. Why did you even have her if you can't be bothered to look after her. You actually disgust me.

not a great idea tbh - moving away to uni in another part of the country is a thing that single 18 - 22 year olds do, not mothers pushing 30.
NO offence but you did ask. That student life door has now closed for you.
However , most unis do provide family accommodation and nurseries - have you enquired about that?
Or move with her into a small flat near the uni?
You cant go back I am afraid, with your responsibilitles.

I think op it is your line about how you are doing the sacrificing now for a better future for your dd is the one I have a problem with as the only person who is having to do the sacrificing is your dd, you are doing exactly what you want.

I think your daughter would feel abandoned by you and wouldn't be old enough to rationale it as a good move for anyone even if you tried to explain it logically.

All I know is that I'd move heaven and earth to continue to be my ds's main carer as well as get an education if that's what I wanted. Or I'd make a different choice - one that didn't involve leaving him in the care of a rubbish dad who doesn't give a shit. This really makes me sad actually and wonder if everything is OK with the relationship you have with your dd. Is there any depression or attachment issues? I fully understand your desire to gain education to provide for your dd, but she's so small still and needs an adult who will put her first no matter what. Doing both is doable op, but you have to ask yourself some tough questions.

Oh the irony! You want to dump uour 3 year old dd with her less than interested father so you can run off to train to be, of all things, a social worker. If it wasn't so desperately sad for your dd I would be laughing.

I guess the only silver lining in this is that you will have first hand experience in dealing with fucked up children who have attachment issues causef by their parents.

I just don't get it....how on earth are you going to be a halfway decent social worker when you have such disregard for the needs of a toddler...
YOUR toddler?

YABVU.
These are the most PRECIOUS years with your daughter.
She will NEVER forget being 'abandoned' by you with someone who clearly doesn't give a monkeys, no matter how much you think it will benefit her future.
These early years are so important - they shape the rest of her life and her outlook on it. I speak as someone whose mother jumped ship when I was 2 - I had to live with my nan as my dad worked away a lot abroad. The terror when my mother eventually returned to 'claim' me at 5 is indescribable. I only knew one life and that was the one with the person who loved and cared for me and the one who visited as often as he could.

DO NOT DO THIS TO HER. There are other options.
I can't believe you are even considering this, however youre flippant comment 'When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to. ' suggests that you don't seem that bothered. In which case poor poor child. Neither of you really wants her.

I think your attitude is shocking. Give your daughter .... What on earth. She is not a piece of merchandise. The very thought that you of all people will be doing social work trying to help people with their lives. It's scarey.

So you had a child with a man who already had poor form with his other child? And now you're going to ditch her to go to uni a whole gasp 40 minutes away? Yes. YABVU. And selfish. Your poor daughter.

Regardless of whether you think it's fair or not that because 'you have a vagina' you actually have to step up and be a mum, that's what you should do. I'm absolutely appalled that you are even considering this. You can't cope with her on your own? She's a child, not a fucking puppy.

And the best part of all - you're going to study social work, where you are responsible for making decisions on what is best for other children and their families? Laughable. And sad. Your poor poor child.

Sarahblack1

Hi, OP - have you explored Open University or distance learning options? You could ask your DDs father to take her more often so you can get your studying done (from home or from a centre), without uprooting?

I agree with Bettercallsaul1, please give yourself some time, at least a year, to settle into this new life before you make a huge life-changing decision like this, or any other big decision.

Was your split with your ex related to the gf (was she an ow?) or did stress over your child's needs come into it?

I want to go to university to provide a better future yet because I got a vagina I am torn down.

This is absolutely not the case. The reality is you don't want to go to university to provide a better future, you want to go for yourself. And whilst it might not be a popular opinion with everyone, the truth is that your needs come second to those of your children.

What's the point of providing a "better future" for your DD if you don't even have her any more.

As someone currently in the middle of a horrible situation where the father is taking a child to live halfway around the world against the wishes of the mother who is desperately trying to find a way to keep her child here in the UK, I am struggling to have any sympathy with you at all.

Have you considered adoption for the child? That would be preferable to giving her to a disinterested 'father'.

Heaven help any child whose social worker you did eventually become if you think abandoning a small child with an uninterested father is somehow in her best interests.

You selfish inability to see that this is the wrong thing to do makes me think you are going into the wrong career anyway.