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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
Itsmine · 31/07/2015 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/07/2015 09:55

You can only do social work through the OU if you are already employed within a relevant area and have an employer who will sponsor you. (Not financially)

I think YABU, but having studied social work your tutors might give you a medal

This person went to a weird university. A social work degree drags you across the coals, emotionally. You will examine your own family history, attachments and parenting and you will learn things about yourself that you had no idea of. I think you would find it very hard to stand by this decision.

HagOtheNorth · 31/07/2015 09:56

'You being a knob won't make him less of a knob. It will just mean that this little girl has two deadbeat parents who won't put her first rather than one.'

<span class="italic">This  </span>
Wishful80sMontage · 31/07/2015 09:58

OP this isn't a feminist issue the only issue here is you have basically raised that child single handedly for the first three years of her life and your considering shipping her off to a parent she spends very little time with who doesn't seem to take an active interest. Yes I'm all for furthering yourself I believe passionately in adult education but this is going to end badly for both you and dd if you carry on down this road.
With social work there is plenty of options OU included plus if you looked at the lectures you actually wouldn't be in every day all day when it comes to placement time you could easily get something more local.
There are ways around this which wouldn't mean dd living with someone else- wouldnt that be a better option?
Fwiw I think dd's dad needs to take a more active role in her upbringing and the childcare arrangements than as it currently stands but slowly over time not 1 night to full time.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 31/07/2015 09:58

Sarah it's nothing to do with yours or his gender!!!!

UptheChimney · 31/07/2015 09:58

I think you're getting a tough time here, OP when you seem genuinely trying to do what you see as a good plan for yours and your DD's future. I applaud you for that. I don't think you can force her father (who sounds more like a sperm donor than a father to me) to suddenly become the main carer for his DD.

But that is not IMO, the main flaw in your planning logic. It's your assumptions about the support you'd get if you moved. You're seeing the situation as a series of black and white either This or THAT decisions. That the only way you can go to University is by going away, and leaving your daughter. It's not. Here are some other ideas:

There are good hospitals and schools in areas other than the south (of England?)

Most universities have good arrangements for student parents, and a lot of support. In Social Work faculties especially, you'd find other "mature age" students in situations very like yours.

You could look at starting part-time. The OU is an excellent suggestion. Have a look at it.

Also have a look at local FE colleges which offer Foundation degrees. You study these for 2 years and can the go on to do a top up to an Honours degree at a proper university. By then your DD will be 5

Good luck Flowers I really congratulate your goals -- just try to be less black & white about the means of getting there.

Ally1234 · 31/07/2015 09:58

am not an natural mother

That's ok. we are not all perfect and that's nothing to be ashamed of. however 4ish years ago you found out you were pregnant and you made the decision to have the baby and to raise the baby as opposed give her up for adoption. you made that 18+year commitment of putting your child's needs before your own. fine its not working out as you hoped but you made that decision and now you have to live with it.

Sothisishowitfeels · 31/07/2015 09:59

Op I think you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling. To me the uni course sounds almost like an escape plan from a life you are finding hard. I would say that if you do this you have lost your daughter, you Dds dad only sees her a few hours a week and in a couple of years she will begin to realise that's a bit shit.

3 is a hard age . I would wait until she starts school and you start to get a bit a freedom back and then revisit this, you are young another year won't make any difference at all but could stop you making the biggest mistake of your life.

Bellebella · 31/07/2015 10:00

It has nothing to do with having a vagina op, it's what is better for your daughter. She is just 3 years old, she is used to you and you want to leave her with a father who can't be bothered about her.

I don't believe all this crap about you going to uni away and it benefiting your daughter. You can do university and be there for your child, I just graduated 2 weeks ago with a 1st while also being at home with my 2 year old DS so you can certainly make it work for you and so it won't mean sacrificing your daughter's wellbeing.

ghostyslovesheep · 31/07/2015 10:03

You sound very distant from your DD - which must be hard for both of you - please get some support with this before making any big decisions - she needs you and her dad

Original poster
Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 10:04

Reginamangina, that is how I feel. A sacrifice now for a much better future.

I do love my daughter but I am resentful of her father. I am jealous of the life he and his girlfriend leads while I struggle raising a child on my own. I want him to be more involved and to have her overnight regularly so I can have more of a life outside of my daughter. I have found it hard to accept that yes this is my life and he can do wherever he likes while I'm left holding the baby so to speak.

My daughter is loved, well cared for. Thanks for the replies, you are right that this was a bad idea :(

Also I am married to her father and we split when she was 2.6.

OP posts:
Itsmine · 31/07/2015 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 31/07/2015 10:05

Your daughter needs a stable home environment with a parent who will provide that, from what you've written her dad possibly won't provide. It's shit that he isn't a great dad but that means you need to ensure she gets the stability from you.

Dawndonnaagain · 31/07/2015 10:08

I went to uni with a six year old. He's 30 now!
It was great, unlimited babysitting too!

HagOtheNorth · 31/07/2015 10:08

So she's a burden for both of you, even more so if she's got additional needs.
Three years old and in the way of her parents having the life they want.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/07/2015 10:10

I can assure you OP that I am most definitely judging your ex's parenting

Don't do it. Take her with you

You sound so fed up and I know it's really hard being a LP but you must know in your heart of hearts that this isn't a good idea

MagpieCursedTea · 31/07/2015 10:12

I think it's good to have future goals like doing the social work degree. As you've said, doing it now would be a bad idea as it would leave your DD without a secure family home. However, you can look at the steps it would take to get there even if it means waiting for a few years. The first step would be speaking to the Father about increasing his contact and putting a regular arrangement including overnights in place.
Maybe you could also look at getting some relevant work experience?

ppolly · 31/07/2015 10:13

why are you assuming you won't get into the university that is 40 minutes away? All this planning might be totally unecessary. It is also possible to apply next year too. I'm sure you can get what you want even if it means waiting a little or being flexible and still have your daughter with you too.

CatthiefKeith · 31/07/2015 10:14

you do know that there is more than one Uni offering Social Work in the South right?

TroubleinDaFamily · 31/07/2015 10:14

You make her sound like a piece of left luggage, and that is not normal.

Talk to somebody.

HoldYerWhist · 31/07/2015 10:16

So you've recently split, he's fucked off and shacked up with someone else and you are literally left holding the baby.

That makes him a prize scumbag.

But don't make decisions based on jealousy and resentment.

Your daughter deserves better. She didn't ask to be born.

Branleuse · 31/07/2015 10:16

op, lots of us arent natural mothers but just get on with it. Your dd will be in school in a year or two, it will be less intense, and youll totally regret giving your daughter to her dad later down the line if you do

KitZacJak · 31/07/2015 10:18

If he was a great Dad and fully involved I would say why not if you came back and spent every weekend with her. But he isn't is he? So you daughter is not going to be looked after in the way she deserves.

I know people that have gone through uni and had the nursery funded by benefits, would this apply to you? Could you go to the local uni and make your ex take more responsibility ie. night in the week, every other weekend?

I do see your point though, it is hard to watch him having an easy life with his new girlfriend while you struggle.

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/07/2015 10:19

I don't think it is a 'sacrifice now for a much better future'.

I think it's short-term gain for - serious - long-term pain.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 31/07/2015 10:20

The irony of 'expect her father to step up' and training to be a social worker.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to

Not sure where to begin with that lot.

I really am not jumping on a bandwagon here, OP, I'm really not, but I agree that you don't sound particularly bothered about your DD to be honest.

I honestly think you need to do some examination of your life and your relationship with our daughter as a priority. You've got years ahead of you for uni - your daughter is three and needs you now.