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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
fuctifino · 31/07/2015 09:33

I think your excuses are questionable.

Not to move north because of audiology appointments? We do have doctors north of the Watford gap!!

No childcare help? Have you looked what the uni offers for children and their parent? It appears you just want rid of her without exploring other/better options.

hedgehogsdontbite · 31/07/2015 09:34

YABU and seem emotionally detached from your DD.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 31/07/2015 09:34

what snakey said. feel very sorry and sad for your DD, and for you

if you are struggling to bond, get some professional help and make that your priority OP

HagOtheNorth · 31/07/2015 09:34

' You must know your dd comes first, before anything in life, including education.'

She should, but for a huge number of children, that isn't the case. Not from either parent. Was this child planned, or an accident that you are seeing as an obstruction to your planned career? Because she's being presented as an inconvenience to both of her parents.

RealityCheque · 31/07/2015 09:34

Read the OP again, ghosty.

SaucyJack · 31/07/2015 09:35

What branch of social work would you be planning to go into?

If you did do this, I don't honestly think you could go into children and families or child protection with a straight face.

And that's if they'd even take you. I understand that SW is a profession in which you are expected to display certain standards in your personal as well as private life.

SqueezyCheeseWeasel · 31/07/2015 09:35

If her father was involved and engaged, I would say that you weren't being U and were considering your DD's welfare. However, your ex sounds ambivalent (at best) and you would be doing your child a disservice putting her into his long term care.

27 is young, believe it or not, you can pick up retraining in a few years when she is older and a bit more independent. She needs a committed, loving parent now, that's you. Care about HER welfare first before you train in the welfare of others (possibly to her detriment, at this stage anyway).

Solasum · 31/07/2015 09:35

So your plan for building a better plan for you daughter includes abandoning her as a first step?

Most universities have support for student parents, on site nurseries, etc. in a university town you would be able to find a student or two to help out sometimes as well.

It doesn't sound like either you or her dad really care about her, it sounds like you are trying to get back to pre-child life. Sorry to be blunt, but have you considered looking into adoption? Your DD deserves a family to love her and put her first, and it doesn't sound like you do.

ladygaga1980 · 31/07/2015 09:35

You'd be better off distance learning via OU. Lots of courses offer distance learning these days. Or could you mother watch your dd during the week and you come home at weekends?

Or why don't you ask your ex to pay more for childcare when you are away and take your dd with you? I don't think hospital appts are a good reason to leave her behind.

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2015 09:35

'I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.'

Well if that ^^ doesn't answer your question, I don't know what will.

daydreamnation · 31/07/2015 09:35

Another one who finds it sadly ironic that you are considering leaving your young dd with her (seemingly) inadequate father, so you can train to be a social worker?!!
I honestly thought your dd would be late teens or similar when I clicked on your post.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2015 09:37

So you have a choice, University or your dd.

If you choose uni then you are choosing that for yourself not for your dd. Your dd will find this out and know you preferred your uni degree over her. Be prepared at some point having to say goodbye to your dd permanently.

I think if you are actually asking yourself this question then maybe SW might not be your career. You will be faced with people who want to keep their children at all costs, how will that gel with the fact you will have given up yours so you can work in a chosen profession.

bittapitta · 31/07/2015 09:37

People saying "do OU" - can you do a social work degree with OU? What about all GBE placements?

OP - do you have extended family who can help with out of hours childcare (late finishes on placements) eg your parents? Could you postpone and reapply to your local uni next year? Could you get a steady job in a social care org now for more work experience and consider uni again when she is older? It's hard being a student parent and you do need support from all sides, so I can see the appeal of thinking DD's father is the solution. But your choice to study unfortunately cannot trump her needs and early development. It sounds like you leaving her with him full time would fuck her up, based purely on your OP. Have you even intimated to him that you might be planning this?

Mermaidhair · 31/07/2015 09:39

Sarah, I can understand your reasoning. If your daughters father was an amazing dad I would do it. He doesn't sound like an amazing dad though. You need to put your daughters best interests first. With whom do you think she will flourish? Many single parents still manage university. I am a little worried for you as to why you are thinking like this though. Are you managing ok? You have a lot on with your daughter. Maybe try and get her dad to start helping with her now.

ghostyslovesheep · 31/07/2015 09:41

sorry my mistake Hmm If you don't get in I'd try again next year

you have to find a balance OP - and with the best will in the world if you are looking into social work you need to work on your relationship with your child first before working with other families

Cabrinha · 31/07/2015 09:41

There's got to be more to this.
Are you struggling to be a parent at the moment?
There's a reason so many (usually fathers) after a split manage to walk away from their kids. It's hard work, not everyone bonds, people are selfish - it is taboo I think for anyone to say "my child was a mistake, I wish I hadn't had her".

Even if her father was great and pushing for this, I'd be Hmm at your motive for moving away.

You can do SW anywhere. If you don't get into your local uni, wait a year, improve your chances, apply again. Wherever possible, children should have their parents in the same town, regular contact with both.

What else is going on that you're prepared to leave her?

I've just remembered an ex bf I had briefly. His friend went off to do a uni course, handed kids to ex, who appeared supportive. And now sees them one day a week and has been unsuccessful challenging that through legal system. Bitterly regrets it, apparently.

MythicalKings · 31/07/2015 09:42

Awful idea. PoorDD.

Not sure social work is for you, frankly.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 31/07/2015 09:42

You can't qualify as a social worker via the OU.

Yanbu to want him to step up but if it's not likely he will then you need to put your dd's needs first.

Itsmine · 31/07/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoldYerWhist · 31/07/2015 09:43

Would it be foolish to dump your child with dad who doesn't give a shit about her because you don't want to source childcare and doctors appointment near your university??

It would be a lot of things, foolish being one of the nicer words.

BeyondTheWall · 31/07/2015 09:43

I didnt think the OU did social work, but it seems they do...

www.open.ac.uk/courses/find/social-work

QueenofallIsee · 31/07/2015 09:43

I have no issue with Fathers being the primary parent, no judgment on that score at all. When my DD was 3/4 yrs old her father had her more days than I did (4 days some weeks, 3.5 others) as I was away with work. That settled down and became me being the primary carer when I established my career. HOWEVER my DDs father was (is) responsible, devoted to her, kind to me, sough my input on major decisions and put her first every single time it was needed. Your daughters father is ambivalent to your child and you are concerned about that already, would he even be willing to take her full time? Are you imagining just rocking up and leaving her there?? I think you have to be honest with yourself here, you want to educate yourself and take a break from parenting - ok, but you have no viable alternative carer so you can't do it..you do see that right?

PercyGherkin · 31/07/2015 09:43

So this would be for next year when she's 4 and starting school? A whole year away? A lot can happen in that time with audiology and speech and language therapy. If you have to go to the university that's further away, I would move and take her with you.

CainInThePunting · 31/07/2015 09:43

Well you need to have a more in depth conversation with him about it but saying that, if his response to one overnight is 'cool' he will probably not be arsed about stepping up full time. You certainly don't seem to be.

I would also be concerned about the effect on her if left with him full time. Also how committed is he to the extra appointments for her audio, speech and language needs?

This is going to sound very harsh, it is, but shouldn't both of you have thought about how a child might impact on your lifestyle choices before having her?

Have you and your DH got a 50:50 agreement in place? I would go down that route and then see if I could sort out Uni around that. You will probably find it is workable.

Babymamamama · 31/07/2015 09:44

Get some books on attachment theory from the library. They are standard reading for social work students. You might re think leaving your dd.

by the way social work is very hard work not at all a nine to five job and not particularly conducive to family life. You will end up in other peoples family homes at times when you wish you were home with your own- sorry maybe that's just me!

If you are set on it I would suggest looking at the open university degree. You could follow a part time route.