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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
OhSoNamechanged · 31/07/2015 23:37

Woodlice, what a great post. Flowers

SeenSheen · 31/07/2015 23:40

Your poor dd, neither of you appear willing put her first. If university is more important to you than her then she hasn't much of a chance.

You'd probably be welcomed s a social worker though - heartless.

drudgetrudy · 31/07/2015 23:45

That last comment is uncalled for SeenSheen I have worked as a Social Worker for years-most of my colleagues were very caring people-apart from the occasional hard nut. I have also worked with nurses, doctors, psychologists etc and would say the same of them. Most were dedicated some were judgyjudgypants types. Please don't make offensive generalisations. I am sure the OP isn't heartless either-just stressed and currently feeling bitter towards her ex.

ItWillWash · 31/07/2015 23:45

For those who have trouble with reading can I just point out that

OP HAS ADMITTED IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA

Several pages ago in fact.

There is no need to continue with all of this sanctimonious twattishness about her being an inadequate mother.

It was nothing more than a fleeting fantasy borne out of loneliness, tiredness, stress and resentment that the child's other parent gets off scott free.

She will not be swanning off to freshers and getting pissed while shagging other soon to be evil social workers, while her child is left behind starved, unwashed and ignored, so you can all take off your judgy pants for now.

MadamArcatiAgain · 01/08/2015 00:29

Yeah but the fact that she was even thinking about it is disgusting.Most mothers wouldn't.

MadamArcatiAgain · 01/08/2015 00:31

maybe she should train as a therapist instead that way she might actually be some use to her DD when she is qualified

AyeAmarok · 01/08/2015 00:44

MN at both its best and its worst on this thread.

Completely understand why you feel how you do OP. It will get better. You have 40 years of work ahead of you, probably! Keep trying to get into the local university. You're still young.

lasareena · 01/08/2015 01:15

Yeah but the fact that she was even thinking about it is disgusting.Most mothers wouldn't.

Many, many mothers would think this - some seriously, most as fantasy. It's just utterly taboo to articulate the thought - as you can see from this thread.

Those unable to see and empathise with this have severly limited emotional range / poor levels of emotional literacy.

cedricsneer · 01/08/2015 02:26

Assertions about low levels of empathy/emotional literacy are bollocks. How can you possibly judge this from people who have expressed shock the op? You are making massive assumptions about her mental health from a few posts which show a scary level of detachment towards a vulnerable child.

There has been lots of constructive advice from the same people who are shocked by this, suggesting the op get some help for her feelings, but also many well informed posts coming from a child-centric perspective illustrating the potential danger to this child's emotional wellbeing forever if the op does this.

I agree with the many people who suggest some reading about attachment theory - the impact of this stuff can be lifelong. Some people have spoken movingly about how a similar abandonment has affected them into adulthood, and some people (including me) work in this field. I find it extremely concerning and am getting a bit Hmm about people calling those who have expressed shock trolls.

I hope that the dd has the best possible outcome.

CatMilkMan · 01/08/2015 03:08

I'm really sorry I don't have anything useful to say but I read the. Entire OP in a pirate accent because of the use of "be".

OneMillionScovilles · 01/08/2015 04:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMillionScovilles · 01/08/2015 04:57

Ok I've read the last page and apparently the discussion's moved on significantly. OP I'm really sorry - first few pages wound me up, but I don't want to kick you when you're down. winds own neck in Blush

Balanced12 · 01/08/2015 07:18

about it is disgusting.Most mothers wouldn't.

Madam I would like to see your evidence as I would suggest many have wished 'I wish I was anywhere but here right now'

Everyone knows they have thoughts which are wrong it is a part of processing and dealing with a situation.

fourtothedozen · 01/08/2015 07:22

I can't believe you are asking.

Abandoning your DD?

Because that is how she will see it. You will damage your relationship forever.

CPtart · 01/08/2015 07:39

Was this a planned pregnancy?
I don't think it's any worse for a father to bring up a child than a mother, but tbh it sounds like he doesn't want to either!

Mrscaindingle · 01/08/2015 08:37

All those saying this is not a normal response have clearly never been in a similar situation as it is completely normal to feel trapped and resentful in such circumstances and IT IS down to gender as men on the whole do seem to get away with walking away and shrugging off their responsibilities. The op is only 4 months into a split too which is no time to get your head around the changes in her circumstances and the future she planned being taken away.
My ex left us to live abroad and swans around the world on exotic holidays with his much younger new girlfriend while I have been left to be both mum and dad to 2 DS. for some reason it seems much more acceptable for men to do this, his friends and family are still talking to him as far as I am aware but I am sure that if I had done the same thing I would have been a social pariah.

Two years down the line my feelings of resentment and fury at the injustice of it all have all but gone but to expect the Op to be able to swallow this and not feel like punishing her ex is unrealistic after only 4 months. To have thoughts of running away from it all is the brains way of coping with feeling trapped by her circumstances.

rumbleinthrjungle · 01/08/2015 09:05

PLEASE WILL PEOPLE READ THE WHOLE THREAD OR AT LEAST ALL THE OP'S POSTS BEFORE DECIDING WHETHER THEY WANT TO FURTHER TO BASH AND HURT A WOMAN WHO IS TRYING TO ASK FOR HELP

motherinferior · 01/08/2015 09:20

Well, if 'most mothers' wouldn't, colour me unnatural.

ItWillWash · 01/08/2015 10:21

Me too, motherinferior

I wanted to move back to the city I lived in previous to having my first born and leave her home with my mum, but it would be okay, because my mum would be able to claim child tax credits for her and I'd visit often.

I never went so far as to plan it but it was something I thought about often. I did take a weekend job there and stay with friends, while my mum had dd friday to sunday.

A lot of mothers on this thread have admitted to having a an escape fantasy or to have seriously considered running away, particularly single mothers and those suffering with depression. I guess they are all unnatural.

OneMillionScovilles · 01/08/2015 10:24

OP, apologies again - I did report my first post and ask for it to be taken down before you saw it, but MNHQ obviously haven't got there yet. I hope you aren't feeling too kicked - I think quite a few people (like me) commented without RTFT Sad

HexU2 · 01/08/2015 11:31

Yeah but the fact that she was even thinking about it is disgusting.Most mothers wouldn't.

DH didn't leave me but we had to move so away from all the support I had found/made and his new job meant seriously long hours and a long commute a huge contrast to having him round early evening as I'd had before. I had multiple young DC and was massively sleep deprived and it was hard and I had no time to myself to even think.

Thought a lot about walking away - never would have but I did think it - it kind of helped me cope in a strange way.

OP - it got much easier as the DC got older - despite DH starting to work away a lot more.

Same with single mothers in my family and friend circle - first few years are very hard but eventually they get back on track with careers and life in general.

HoldYerWhist · 01/08/2015 11:47

Why do so many people skip a huge thread like this to post at the end?

Surely it's not fucking rocket science to see that the thread has moved on and maybe you should inform yourself of what is being discussed before stomping in??

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/08/2015 12:00

Surely it's not fucking rocket science to see that the thread has moved on and maybe you should inform yourself of what is being discussed before stomping in

I haven't fallen foul of it, but it's also not fucking rocket science to know that people don't always have chance to RTFT if it's lengthy. Not ideal, but doesn't make them worthy of being screamed at.

Obviously we're at the stage now of the thread, where any poster failing to toe the current party line will be accused of being a bully and not RTFfuckingT.

I'm glad the OP is getting helpful support and generally kind responses, but it doesn't half irritate me how these threads go sometimes.

GoblinLittleOwl · 01/08/2015 12:12

Seriously, social work is not the area for this person.

Croatianmum · 01/08/2015 12:30

I would never ever leave my child in your situation.He is not putting extra effort to see your dd while you are close to him and she is still at home (no school) .He is not eager and you know that.I would put effort to find different solution but my child (specially so young and small) would come first.
I understand by bettering yourself you can maybe offer better lifestyle but you mentioned her appointments --she need you,she really needs you.