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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 31/07/2015 17:04

"I do love my daughter but I am resentful of her father. I am jealous of the life he and his girlfriend leads while I struggle raising a child on my own."

See- this is perfectly understandable. I felt the same when I was raising my two oldest on my own and their dad was swanning around with his much younger girlfriend.

But it's the hand you've been dealt, and (as I'm sure you've got the message now) you need to find a way to make peace with it without inadvertently punishing your daughter at the same time. Two wrongs don't make a right. Personally, I stuck a picture of my ex to the fridge and threw the recycling at it when I needed a release.

You could maybe look for work that you'd find fulfilling and well-paying near you if you don't get into the uni that you want?

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 17:05

" and yet you sound so much more reasonable coffee "

thank you, yes I know I do.

Tryharder · 31/07/2015 17:17

I saw this thread when it first appeared and knew it would take this general direction.

In our 'Western' eyes, it's seen as unacceptable for a mother to dump her child even for a long term gain or even if the child is being looked after by the other parent.

In other cultures, it would be perfectly acceptable and no one would even query it.

Doesn't make it bad or good.

chrome100 · 31/07/2015 17:19

I think YANBU.

Your DD has two parents, her father is (or should be) perfectly capable of taking care of her. In fact, it might do their relationship good for him to do so.

HexU2 · 31/07/2015 17:25

It's a travesty that uninvolved NRPs aren't stigmatised more in our society.

^^ This.

However OP leaving her with an uninterested Dad isn't going to work. So don't give up your goal - look at other ways of getting there.

Is childcare available at Uni with courses, could your DD care via NHS be transferred - really expect it could - anyway you can manage the commute and live where you currently are, is pt study an option, OU course, or any less obvious ways into the career or a job that will get you some relevant experience now but you study later when your DD treatment is less intense or she's at school?

nemo81 · 31/07/2015 17:29

I'm not going to tell you that you are foolish, cruel etc. Its none of my business.

I am just curious if you have looked at every single possible uni within easy commuting distance to you?
I travel 1 and a half hours to uni (also studying social work). But as i am not there 5 days a week it is doable.
In year 1 attendance was 3 days a week, year 2 was 1 day a week and year 3 will be the same. In years 2 and 3 you will have placements to attend, my uni found a placement close to my home for year 2 and fingers crossed for year 3 too.

I would say check out travelling times/routes to other unis that would allow you to stay in your current area and with your daughter. You will get help with childcare expenses from student finance and have the bonus of friends/family nearby for support.

If you want any help finding other unis etc feel free to pm me. I'll help as much as i can.

lucylooloo · 31/07/2015 17:42

When I first read this, I was in the how the hell could anyone consider this camp? I think though, perhaps this is more about the OP struggling with the full time childcare of a 3 year old, which is bloody hard work, whilst seeing her exH swan around with no responsibilities except the odd sleepover. It sounds to me as though OP is thinking about giving him a taste of his own medicine. This is not the answer OP, I think its just frustration. You should tell him he needs to take more responsibility for your DD and have her more often. You need a break, and he made a committment when he had a child, and he needs to follow through with it. Hope it works out

Goldmandra · 31/07/2015 18:01

All those saying you'd say just the same to a man-well yes, but so rarely is it a man in the position, that is the point you are missing.

The point isn't being missed at all. It simply doesn't change the needs of the child.

The damage the child would suffer because her secure attachment figure walked away from her has nothing to do with the gender of that attachment figure. The fact that women are more likely to be in that role than men cannot be used to excuse causing irreparable damage to a child, even if she will get more foreign holidays and nicer clothes as a result.

motherinferior · 31/07/2015 18:07

I fantasised every day about walking away from my three-year-old. It is entirely natural IMO to do so. They create a vortex of despair.

I didn't say 'baying mob', I said 'baying'.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 31/07/2015 18:08

Agree with lucyloo and understand your frustration and irritation with your husband. He will probably look back one day and wonder why he chose the new girlfriend over his daughter. His loss though - you have to hold on to that.

You can definitely go to uni and get your degree whilst looking after your daughter. Once she's in a Reception it will be sooo much easier I promise and I'm sure there are childcare options that will suit you.

If you are planning on divorcing your husband, that will be the time for you and him to agree who will have your daughter and when and then get that set in stone by the court. If he's lived with her most of her life he must have a bond with her?? Was he a good dad before he left?? He might just need a boot up the bum to get him to remember his responsibilities - and the rewards - of being a parent. Good luck! Smile

MadamArcatiAgain · 31/07/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

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CluckingBelle · 31/07/2015 18:37

OP is there a reason why you can't wait another year until your daughter is in full time school? It'll be a lot easier childcare wise and much less disruptive for your child if you keep her with you, even if you do have to move away.

I really can't relate to the mindset if leaving her with her (non committal) father and how this is somehow better for her? I'm a single parent of 3 with no help from children's father or family. I'm starting an access in September and will then apply to the two unis within an hour of me. If I don't get in I will try again the following year. Because my children need me. I am the only constant in their lives and constant I will remain. Part of being a responsible parent.

Szeli · 31/07/2015 18:42

most unis havve accomodation for parents and lots of colleges do sw degrees as a distance learning thing. theres other pptions here

The5DayChicken · 31/07/2015 18:44

I'm so glad you've acknowledged that this is a bad idea OP. I won't criticise other posters for being harsh but I do think many have been unhelpful as well as harsh, which is just piling on to have a pop in my opinion.

What I will say is that these reactions are nothing to do with your vagina and everything to do with the fact that your ex has proven to be a shitty parent. If you'd asked us our opinions about leaving your DD with a wonderful, loving father while you went to uni, I suspect the responses would be very different.

But as a presumably loving and responsible parent, you're being enormously unreasonable to consider leaving your 3yo with an inadequate father for 3 years. My body would be cold in the ground before this happened to my DD.

I'm about your age. I'm a single parent. My DD's dad couldn't give a damn about her. I'm going to uni next year. There are ways to make it work without palming your DD off on the ex, who you know barely gives a shit. And you very much need to find another way if you want to avoid a serious attachment disorder. Read into the maternal deprivation hypothesis and decide if you'd be willing to risk it.

I know you're learning how to do this alone having recently split. It's a steep learning curve but the trick is to let go of the resentment, get into the stride of going it alone, then once you're happy with you're situation then look into how you can improve it.

One of your DD's parents already 'opted out'. It would be tragic for the other to do it too, simply to get the one with the penis to step up.

Floggingmolly · 31/07/2015 18:45

You say you're doing the course to provide a better life for your daughter; but you seem comfortable with the notion that she may not want to return to you after you've completed your training...
What's that about? Hmm

QOD · 31/07/2015 18:46

I think you'd be incredibly regretful. My mum emigrated when I was 18 ... the mental damage is massive. Let alone at 3.
poor baby

DesertIslander · 31/07/2015 18:48

Honestly?!
Unbelievably reasonable. I'm gobsmacked.

DesertIslander · 31/07/2015 18:49
  • UNREASONABLE!!!
DesertIslander · 31/07/2015 18:52

You are not on your own. It really grinds my gears when people say that and it isn't true.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 18:53

Read this thread like this Shock at some of the nasty shit people write from behind a screen. Is this the way you'd respond IRL to a friend in this situation? Horrid.

For example...
YABU - what sort of mother wants to just dump her child so she can go to uni in a other town? My answer would be the same if you was a man. Why did you even have her if you can't be bothered to look after her. You actually disgust me.

My Mother left me with my grandparents and went to live in Italy when I was 4. I saw her every 6 months for those few years. It was fine, I was fine, and our relationship is still brilliant.
Have you all missed the fact that this child lived with her father until she was 2.6? He's no stranger.

Not that OP will come back to this thread after the mean girls have made her feel like shit for wanting to better herself and struggling as a single parent????

Jdee41 · 31/07/2015 18:54

Itemise

Rubbish. It's hardly symmetrical, is it? A bunch of so-and-sos piling in in a single poster looking for advice and clearly needing support, against those same so-and-sos being called on their self-righteous crap?

But I guess the whole village turns our for a stoning...

Jdee41 · 31/07/2015 18:56

Damn autocorrect, that was supposed to be to Itsmine

Original poster
Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 18:57

My daughter is very hard work at the moment and no that does not help my mental state at all. I do get a break from her when I'm at work or college, I need that break or I go insane.

I have tried and tried get my ex to have my daughter more, it never works. He always says he is working, it doesn't matter about my life though. He goes on holidays with his girlfriend while if one day I get a new partner, he would never return the favour and allow me go away alone. I even tried get him have her for a week in the summer, that was turned down.

Part of me wanted to give her to him, to punish him and to make his easy life a lot harder. Well I been feeling very low today hence why I get these thoughts sometimes. Even though I won't do it, it makes me feel less trapped knowing that it is an option.

I had a lot of amazing and helpful replies. I hope one day when my daughter older she realize that Im the one who sacrificed and raised her, not her fun dad.

OP posts:
ditherydora · 31/07/2015 19:03

OP, I haven't read all your posts but your last one makes me seriously concerned as well as sad for your daughter. You want to give your daughter to your ex to punish him?? Your daughter is not a weapon. She is a person and however hard work she may be, she didn't ask to be born, especially to parents who don't seem to want her.

If your ex can't provide that support to her and you , you'll have to find it elsewhere. If you go away to study at university at a different part of the country they will almost certainly have a nursery and as a single parent you would probably get a priority place. otherwise, i think you should defer until your child is older and you need less support. you are only 27, you have plenty of time to study.

Lastly, given your posts, are you sure social work is the right career for you? What would be given a single mother you were responsible for at work.

The5DayChicken · 31/07/2015 19:05

It's not an option though Sarah. As you've just said, he won't even have her for a week. He's shitty. I'm sure everyone here agrees with that. But the notion of using your 3yo to punish him at her expense is really quite nasty.