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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

365 replies

Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 09:21

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 19:05

OP I'm so glad you've come back.
I have total empathy for your situation. It must be very hard and you must feel extremely resentful.
When I reflect on my Mum's decision to leave me with GPs and work abroad, I feel only relief that she was able to do so knowing I was looked after and loved. Such a shame for you that you don't have that same support.
The only person I feel anger towards is my absent father who made my Mum's life such a struggle.

Do you have parents who would be willing to help?

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 19:07

Oh here we go again.
STOP FUCKING BASHING THE OP

LazyLohan · 31/07/2015 19:08

Do you think it might help if you sat down and agreed a schedule when he would have her? If you're going to start studying don't ask him, tell him. If he's working then in the times he's due to have her he should organise appropriate childcare just like other parents do.

It sounds like the ad-hoc basis you're doing at the moment isn't working because you ask him to have her and he says no. You need to sort out a structured time table of when each of you is responsible for her. And if he wants to go out or work when it's his turn he has to organise alternative care.

You need to be more assertive with this, you are quite within your rights to do what he does sometimes and refuse to cover for him when you have other plans. Work out times that are his responsibility and say no if he tries to wiggle out.

ilovechristmas1 · 31/07/2015 19:08

wow i bet the op feels even worse after some messages,she clearly is having a real real hard time in real life at the moment and it sounds like she is just desperate for a break and some support

it might be words on a screen to some but op sounds very down about her situation,its real life to her,imo i dont think she is serious about leaving her daughter,she is very angry and is thinking of desperate situations that at the moment seem the only way shes thinking

Flowers not much i know but for you anyway

The5DayChicken · 31/07/2015 19:09

MoreCrack. The OP is talking about giving her DD to an inadequate parent as a method of punishment to the parent. What would you like people to say?

SnapCackleFlop · 31/07/2015 19:09

OP, I know that feeling when a DC is really really hard work and sometimes it feels like there's no hope and it's just relentless.

I understand you needing a break sometimes. For me having a change in rhythm (if that doesn't sound odd) makes a huge difference. I find time away from my children occassionally even when working on something challenging can be extremely positive.

I wonder if you might be able to move house to be nearer a better university if necessary? Are you able to access the free childcare hours yet?

It is unfair that her father can go on holidays and not pull his weight.

Some day she'll realise how much you've done. I understand why you're feeling like you are and hope you can get the support you need. I promise it won't be like this for ever. Flowers

HoldYerWhist · 31/07/2015 19:09

Part of me wanted to give her to him, to punish him and to make his easy life a lot harder.

Fucking hell.

OP, I think you need to seek some professional help.

Scoobydoo8 · 31/07/2015 19:10

Haven't read all the pages.
Can't you do something other than social work - why does every adult student on MN want to be a nurse or social worker - both jobs seriously affected by the cuts in welfare, and things will get worse. Do teaching, or anything, it must be better paid than these two options.

GraysAnalogy · 31/07/2015 19:12

I have tried and tried get my ex to have my daughter more, it never works
So what makes you think he'll have her for 3 years then OP?

art of me wanted to give her to him, to punish him and to make his easy life a lot harder
Look, it's clear you're going through a hard time and you really do sound depressed. But don't think like this. She isn't a punishment. And how is that going to effect her?

Please, please seek some help. You are in no mind to start a demanding degree course. You don't want to be making any snap decisions whilst you're mood is so low.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 19:13

5DayChicken

I think it would be helpful if people showed some empathy...have you never had irrational thoughts and feelings when under immense pressure or feeling low?
I think the OP's feelings are entirely understandable.

Itsmine · 31/07/2015 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 19:15

For example, read SnapCackleFlop's post, then the nasty shitty one below it.
Which do you think is most helpful to the OP and her daughter?

The5DayChicken · 31/07/2015 19:16

MoreCrack, if you read my first response I think you'll find that I've made it clear that I don't agree with people piling on the OP. And I completely empathise with her situation. But when people talk about using their child as a weapon against their ex, there are truths that need to be said.

forago · 31/07/2015 19:17

Sarah keep posting and ignore the nasty judgy people trying to make you feel worse. I immediately understood from your first post that you wouldn't actually go through with it and are just feeling low and venting - totally understandable. I have 3 children, the youngest the same age as yours, some days I despair and am utterly exhausted and I have someone else to help with bath time etc when I am exhausted. please remember you are at the peak of how hard it is now - 0-4 is the most labour intensive and exhausting bit of having children and it does get much easier very soon, I promise you (have been there three times). you are young and have plenty of time x

ladygaga1980 · 31/07/2015 19:17

Sarah I can totally understand where you are coming from and you are trying your best under difficult circumstances. It must be so frustrating getting so little support. I do know that you are such an important person in your dds life and she is also suffering because of her sh*tty father. Is there anything you can do to force his hand? Shame him into doing more? ask for more maintenance? Would an au pair be an option if you had a spare room? Have you got a friendship group that you can let off steam with? How about finding a partner who spoils you now and then? It sounds like you are aware you might be in danger of burning out and that is why you are looking for ways out, but I don't think leaving for all that time is the answer as you have said yourself.

HoldYerWhist · 31/07/2015 19:18

There was nothing nasty in my post.

She bloody needs help. Telling her she's doing fine when she is using her dd as a punishment and obsessing about her ex isn't helping her.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 19:23

I can't imagine anyone thinks the OP is 'doing fine'. But a supportive tone would be kinder and more helpful.
We adopt this as a guideline at my school and I think a few posters on here would do well to read it before they post.

To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?
Original poster
Sarahblack1 · 31/07/2015 19:26

I am 25 years old, but I turn 27 at beginning of September next year.

I have talked to no one about this so no she will not be going to stay with her father. These are all thoughts in my head and I am far from a perfect parent or person. Like some people said, I need get over the resentment and its taking time and I have my good and bad days.

I was only 22 when I got married and had my dd. I feel I was too young but hindsight a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
Itsmine · 31/07/2015 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The5DayChicken · 31/07/2015 19:32

I understand that OP...the thoughts I had in my head when my ex pulled his stunt!

But any big decisions you make, especially when they concern your DD, cannot come from a position of resentment. You can't use her to punish him.

It took me about a year to really accept that my ex doesn't care about me or DD, but I can honestly say that now (14 months on) he's not even a blip on my radar.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 31/07/2015 19:34

Irrational thoughts are part and parcel of feeling pressured and depressed. It's good to express them but AIBU might have been a bad choice of place to do so given the vitriol apparent on this thread.
It's entirely understandable you feel like this.

I also married and had dd young. I didn't have the motivation to try to better myself until she was much older than your dd, and I think it's fantastic you are looking to do so. Try not to let your resentment dominate your thoughts and instead get cracking with an amazing plan for how you are going to do this. Because you absolutely can do it. You are not a perfect parent because nobody is. We all feel smothered and miss our liberty sometimes. This is more intense for you because your ex has not experienced it, which is completely unfair.
Please don't abandon your uni plans. You have the potential to make both your lives better, and I'm sure you can do it.
Flowers

drudgetrudy · 31/07/2015 19:34

OP-your feelings are not unreasonable but try your best to let go of the resentment against your ex. Yes-it sucks and yes, it isn't fair but raising your little girl will be the most important thing you ever do. As you know deep down -she is your number one priority-difficult though it may be at times.
You are 27-you have many years ahead of you. You are likely to work until you are at least 68.
By the time you are 35 your DD will be 11.

I am a retired Social worker and the mother of adults. I hope you get on the local course but , if not, there are many years to come. Don't leave your daughter with someone who doesn't sound that interested in her-you will look back on it with regret, You want to look back in the future and know that you did your best by her.
Put as much fun in your life as you can-things will get easier when she's a bit older.

Darwinandthehamster · 31/07/2015 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TopCivilServant · 31/07/2015 19:36

Hi Sarah, this isn't good I don't think. Please go and talk to someone properly about how you feel. I get your resentment of the situation. conpletely. But it is not normal to even be toying with the idea of leaving your little girl like this. Please talk to someone in real life about it

Cheby · 31/07/2015 19:40

OP I hope you are managing to ignore the less than helpful comments on here.

Life sounds really tough for you right now. And your ExH sounds like an arse.

Your posts sound to me like you're really down, have you got support in real life you can rely on, people to talk to?

I don't think you want to leave your daughter, that you are just thinking aloud sort of thing? And I don't blame you at all for wanting your ex to share the load and feel some of what you have been dealing with, it must feel like he's swanned off with OW, dropped all his responsibilities and is living the life of a single man again.

But your daughter will know who raised her when she grows up. You will be the one she comes to for advice and love and support.