To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

[Sarahblack1]

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

Sarah, when Dd is older, yes, she will realise you were the one who stayed.

You say you work/are at college, what are you studying?.Any chance of work financing some professional.exams?

Life can be fucking hard sometimes. Maybe a wee trip to the dr just for a chat about how you're doing?

I would plan to take her with you - there are good health services elsewhere and often they are less over-stretched than in the south as are schools and the cost of living is lower so you might find it easier too.

I'm in a similar position with my ex, Sarah, he really is not willing to pull his weight and it can be so frustrating. How long have you been separated? I've been separated 18 months and there was an 'incident' on Fathers day that crossed a line for me, and I stopped putting the effort in. Now if he wants to speak to the children, he rings the instead of me getting them to ring him. I no longer suggest he has them etc, I wait for him to call. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted, I no longer feel responsible for their relationship, it's down to him now.

I will say that parenting really does get easier as they get older. My eldest is 10 and I was 21 when she was born. I had a traumatic birth and struggled to bond, and resented that she took away all my freedom (although actually it was my partner who took away my freedom by not pulling his weight). The whole of my 20's was engulfed by guilt and feeling overwhelmed. But it was becoming a single parent that set me free.

My eldest us so easy now. She occupies herself a lot of the time, spends time with friends, knows her own mind. She's good company. I'm so proud of the interesting, bubbly, intelligent girl she has become.

Your girl will be the same but she needs you to help her get there. It's totally possible to study and take her with you. The uni will fund wraparound care and she will be at school through the day. She will be tired out by the evening and will sleep at night and you can study. There will be other parents on your course so you can arrange pizza nights with the kids, and watch each others children so you can have the odd night out. You can make it work and reap the rewards. A successful future. A strong relationship with your child having been through thick and thin together. And it's totally his loss for not being willing to pull his weight.

Sarah I get where you are coming from too.
My x does the 6hrs per week thing.
It feels like they took all your life choices out of your hands when they walk away.
I am assuming from how recent the split and new gf that she was on scene shortly after ir before the split. Another blow. Pity her, he's no prize.

I am trapped where I am because if I move I have less support. But I amalso very proud of being an lp even though I don't always do a stellar job.

But it does get easier. You will be 27 by then and dd will be 4 or 5. Not long till school.

Being an lp is never easy but there are upsides.

1. you get almost all the love and laughter
2. you get all the credit
3. you get to set all the rules and parent your way without getting undermined.
4. being a lone parent makes you very resilient and resourceful

It may not seem like much but your ex misses out on so much. Yes he misses out on the tantrums and tears but he also misses out on all her firsts, lots of hugs, bedtime stories and even daft things like picking her school clothes and brushing her hair.

You don't appreciate it because you have never done without it but you would miss those things if she were not there.

It isn't fair but it is what it is.

Good luck with your application.

Just because you were fine with your mum dumping you to run off to Italy for years, doesnt mean its ok for the OP to do it to her DD.

This is extremely offensive. I was not 'dumped' and my Mum did not 'run off'.
I was left with people who loved and cared for me whilst my Mum worked abroad.
You have put a whole different slant on it with your shitty verbs.

How is your post helpful to the OP or her daughter?
Although, on reflection, you weren't trying to help, were you?

No just no. Your dd is only little and needs you, that separation çoukd really affect her negatively. Also do you want to give her to someone to look after who does not sound that interested in her, probably would not do a good job in looking after her. It sounds as though you haven't thought this through properly.

Thank you Darwin, I appreciate that.

My ex h never ever ever sees my son. Ever!

Hi sarah sorry about the bashing you've had. Some people just love to jump on their high horse without ever having been in your position.

I was left holding the baby when I was 20. XH skipped off to live the young single mans dream. DS was only 18 months. He had been a hard baby (reflux etc) and was a terrible toddler, he also had hearing loss and speech delay so the tantrums were immense and he was incredibly hyper. I worked shift work 60 hours a week with no sleep, he used to wake up every hour. XH used to show his face every now and again and expect a Heros welcome, used to go off grid as punishment if I asked for maintence. I was desperately trying to get promoted to earn more money to give DS a nice life. Just after his 4th birthday I had a breakdown. It was all too much for too long and doing it alone was becoming impossible. I remember sobbing to my mum that I wanted to run away and run a bar on a beach and it would be ok because I would Skype DS everyday and she loved him so could look after him and he'd be better off coz I was a shit parent anyway. I'd been thinking like that for a year. She gave me a good talking too obviously. But I didn't mean it, I was just so frustrated and exhausted and stressed and raging at the unfairness of it all I couldn't think straight. DS had his hearing operated on a few months later and then started school and he was like a different child. So easy to parent, so laid back. I gained a promotion and XH stepped up a little bit with overnight contact and maintence. A year later I was in a very different place. DS is now 8 and a lovely boy and we are so close. He has the measure of his dad and enjoys spending time with him but doesn't treat him like
One of his parents. Kids clock on pretty quick.
You sound so low. Is there anyone in real life you can vent too? I'm sure you will get into the uni close to you, so try not to worry. PM me if you would like to talk more. Take care.

OP, I don't think the question you are asking is the one you really want to ask, is it? Because I sense that question is "why is my life so curtailed when my daughter's other parent's life is barely impacted at all?"

Unfortunately, this thread has pretty much answered the second question. Because if fathers got the same level of scrutiny and condemnation when not being at least adequate as mothers, then they might start stepping up.

Please don't leave your daughter. I wish you every luck in getting the situation that makes it all work for you. Explore every option that allows you to meet your daughter's needs and your own too. If you need outside help to make that happen, seek it out and grab it with both hands.

Hope it all works out.

"I do love my daughter but I am resentful of her father. I am jealous of the life he and his girlfriend leads while I struggle raising a child on my own."

Totally comprehensible and sane response to a really shit situation.

It is utterly shit that one parent - and lets be honest, it is almost always the father - gets to walk away and care for the child only as, when and if they feel like it with no legal recourse to make them fulfil their responsibilities, while the other parent is stuck in a bloody hard situation raising a young child completely alone with all the responsibilities whether wanted or not, whether able to cope or not. Your relationship's ended, he's swanned off to his new exciting, child free life where his daughter's a brief weekly visitor, and you feel trapped by him. Of course you do. It's been what, less than six months since you broke up and I'm guessing you had to deal with new girlfriend being involved in that too, which makes it even more horrible. I suspect too you're already sure that if you ever say to him "right, I'm moving to x county, you're being the RP, here she is'.... his answer would just be 'no'. And there wouldn't be much you do about it. Of course you're bloody angry.

The huge fall out of feelings you're dealing with right now won't be this hard forever. You may find in a few months when it's less raw that this gets a little easier to stand and it gets easier to see how you can move on with your career and future with your daughter and that it can work out. Do you think there's any possibility you might be depressed? It can get hard to find the line when things are bad and have been for a few months, not to mention exhausting. Your GP may be able to help. Your local Sure Start may also provide a listening ear and are pretty good at supporting parents trying to get into education and struggling with the child care side of things. See if they have some ideas? Have you got a decent family network in place? Grandparents who might be able to offer an overnight once in a while to give you a break?

Do try the relationships board, you'd get a lot of support there.

bitchpeas I want to either stand up and applaud you, give you a hug, buy you a large drink or all three. Brilliant post

It is really possible to do a lot of distance learning with little kids. I did a distance learning degree (with one day a term in uni) with a baby. My utterly best bit was coming down from the stage at graduation and seeing my little guy clapping . Is it definitely social work you want to do? If you are keen on working with older people my degree is in that area feel free to pm. I hope your ex gets his act together is there anyone else who could give you some help?

OP, I think you're right that she will know that you made the sacrifices.

You'll be the one she feels secure enough to be vile to when she's a teenager so, when you're watching her appeasing her dad if he's still around, remember that she's doing it because she doesn't trust him like she does you.

When she throws her tantrums at you, it's because she knows you won't turn your back on her.

Her dad has already let her down and you will need to get over your resentment of him so that you can help her deal with her feelings when he does it to her again.

Can you get some counselling through your GP?

OP, I am so sorry that some thoughtless, empathy-less individuals have chosen to attack you in such a brutal way here. You clearly do care about your child, or you'd not even be thinking about any of this, ffs! You'd hardly be thinking about where best for her to live, how she could get the best medical treatment, and how you'd be providing for her in the future, if you were uncaring or neglectful. Please try to ignore those who like to pile on like school bullies!

I don't think, under the circumstances, that leaving your child with her dad is the best idea,and I say that as someone who did leave my older daughter living with her father (my ex-husband) for a while when she was 5, as he had a more stable job and housing situation (I was a PhD student). He had her during term times, with me visiting as often as possible and phoning daily, then I had her all of the school holidays. However, he was a good father, and she had been living with both of us up to that point so had been seeing him much more regularly. It may be that your ex turns out to be a good parent in the end, but probably not worth the risk unless you are sure. I say 'probably' and 'risk' because despite the aggressive scaremongering for maximum maternal guilt on here, children are highly adaptable and resilient, and will not be irreparably traumatised by custody going to one or other out of a pair of good-enough parents: it took my own parents many occasions of abandonment, emotional neglect and outright physical abuse to damage me severely enough to have just moderate depression in adult life, so I do know a bit about this! A child living with an adequate father is just as likely to be well cared for as one living with an adequate mother, and the people claiming otherwise probably need to get back to the 1950s.

In retrospect, even though dd1 is fine, now lives with me, has a lovely group of friends, does well at school, doesn't have any major psychological issues (!)(despite being a teenager now), I would not do the same again without a fight, because I would now have the confidence in my parenting to stand up to the inevitable criticism you get either way if you are a woman (there would have been plenty of people critical of me not bothering with a career, and thus being unable to fully fund myself and my children post-divorce, if I'd not done it). I think part of the reason I didn't insist on dd1 moving with me was that I had been encouraged by some family (and medical professionals) to think of myself as an inadequate parent due to my depression, whereas in fact I am equal to many 'mentally well' parents, and better than many I've met! There is really good childcare at most universities now (and the ones which don't bother with it are not worth you bothering with them), plus some also have family accommodation and extra funding for lone parents. I know it is scary to move with a toddler, but it is almost certainly going to be less stressful for both of you than trying to get your ex to take responsibility. I really hope things go well for you whatever you choose, and I have absolute confidence that you can complete your course and establish a great career, as well as being an obviously caring and thoughtful parent! I won't be coming back to this thread due to the judgement-brigade, but feel free to PM me if you want to chat about this.

Not much to add to Woodlice's great post, but your DD's father does not sound like much to shout about. He's happy to coast.

You, on the other hand, are looking to make something for yourself and your daughter. That's such an admirable thing and I hope you find a solution that works for you.

All the best, and please don't be discouraged.

Some of us are posting from the POV of years of dealing with the needs of children who have been abandoned or neglected by their parents in an infinite number of ways.
So perhaps we are looking at the OP from a different perspective, and with the memories of dealing with the broken mess that ensues when children are the victims of poor adult choices, and have no voice or choice of their own.
Parenting is very hard to do at all, to do it well is a huge challenge.

this is deeply upsetting and shocking

is this some kind of windup??

I feel so sorry for the poor OP's daughter. One can't be arsed with her and the other considers her a burden who's presence is a 'punishment'

If people are genuinely concerned for the OP's child, then the way to help her is to support her embattled, exhausted and (I believe) depressed mother, so she can start to put her life into a form she finds less desperately draining for herself. Attacking her, as some have done, is also to harm her child, because as you have all so huffily noted, her care is intrinsic to her child's wellbeing. Nice work, concern trolls.

OP, you and she both deserve that you get some support and start to feel less embattled and exhausted. Single parenting is hard and your relationship breakdown and the disinterest of her father is horrible, I know. But the small person in the middle of this hasn't even the luxury of making any choices. Those you make now will help lay the foundations of her future life - and yours.

In a couple of years, I suspect your ex won't mean much to you other than the loser you have to tolerate now and then for your DD. But she will be school age, and you'll have more sleep, more time, and more energy. You will feel so much better at that point. Meanwhile, please talk to the GP about your state of mind and access as much support from Homestart, the health visitor, from your family - everyone possible. You need it, you deserve it, and life will honestly start to feel better once you start to see the wood for the trees.

You seem more excited about doing this course than you do about having a daughter. The father is indifferent yet you would be content to leave her there even if it means she doesn't want to come back to you. YABVVVU

It's called an escape fantasy. A lot of people with depression have them. Mine was to head to Stansted, buy a ticket to anywhere, and find a hotel to sleep in for two weeks solid. I didn't, because I was expressing DS' milk at the time. I didn't feel he needed me, or I could offer him anything else. But the milk was what stopped me.

It makes me feel less trapped knowing it is an option.

I hear you, OP. And soon, you won't feel trapped, and won't need the fantasy. I promise.

The OP needs support. If you want to help her child, then you need to try to support her, so she can be the mother her little girl needs her to be. Kicking her when she's down is not about to do anything of value for her, and therefore her child. Both need her to be in one piece and finding some joy in her life.