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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
Lookingforwardtoholiday · 01/08/2015 21:58

My parents would attend even though they have nothing in common and virtually no contact with my PIL. My brothers and sisters would attend too and vice-versa because that's just how it is in our culture.

Last year my mum wanted me to go to the funeral if her best friends sister who I had never met and wouldn't have known if I had met her in the street and I refused point blank on the grounds that it was totally ridiculous, she didn't speak to me for about 2 weeks as she was convinced that I should have gone as it was good manners. She keeps reminding me how out of order I was - I disagree.

Taytocrisps · 02/08/2015 10:25

I'm glad I read this thread because I now know that in the UK (and in particular England) it may be considered rude to go to a funeral if you're not a family member or very close friend of the deceased. I'm constantly amazed at the cultural differences between us even though you're just across the sea.

As others have said, in Ireland it's normal to attend a funeral even if the deceased isn't personally known to you e.g. a colleague's DM or DF. If you're not familiar with this custom, it may sound like rent a crowd but it's considered to be showing respect for the dead person and/or showing support for the bereaved family. People say proudly afterwards, "There was a great turn out", or, "He/she got a great send off".

It's the custom to organize soup and sandwiches (usually in a pub) after the funeral mass. This is in recognition of the fact that some people may have travelled a long distance to get to the funeral and may be in need of sustenance. As the venue is a pub, people often buy drinks and exchange stories about the dead person and speak about him/her fondly. It can be very comforting for the bereaved family to hear others speak of the deceased with such affection and to hear all the stories, especially if the stories are new and they never heard them before. My friend told me that after her DM died, several people came up to her after the funeral to tell her that her DM had helped them out years ago when they were going through a hard time and had given them money or food. Her DM never said anything to her family and they wouldn't have known this except that the grateful recipients came to the funeral to show their respect for this kind lady.

I wouldn't go on to the pub if the deceased person wasn't well known to me. If a colleague's DM or DF died, we would go to the funeral but head straight back to work after the funeral mass.

If your custom is to have a small intimate family gathering for a funeral then I can see that it would be intrusive and rude to have others show up.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2015 10:28

Taytocrisps- I really wouldn't take mumsnet as representative. I think there is a much higher proportion of insular, "my little family" people on here than in RL.

TeaPleaseLouise · 02/08/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hollyisalovelyname · 02/08/2015 10:39

Firstly deepest sympathy to you.
I'd be devastated if my inlaws didn't bother to turn up to my dm's funeral. But then I'm Irish.

Bunbaker · 02/08/2015 10:41

"I think there is a much higher proportion of insular, "my little family" people on here than in RL."

I think the opposite is true.

KatnissEverdene · 02/08/2015 10:46

My IL's would. They came to my DF's funeral, though they had only met him a couple of times. I have been to close friend's parents funerals to support the friend. Some of my friends came to my Dad's funeral.

autumnboys · 02/08/2015 10:52

My PILS drove a couple of hundred miles to attend my Dad's funeral, despite having only met him in person maybe half a dozen times. I was v grateful for the practical help with my the toddler and the emotional support.

BathshebaDarkstone · 02/08/2015 11:04

Do they want to/would she have wanted them to?

Original poster
missnevermind · 02/08/2015 11:33

Thanks everybody. Who knew their could be so many different ways for people to behave about funerals.

The service was yesterday. We had a lovely day. More than 100 people to the church and about 70 for drinks after.
In laws didn't come. But I didn't really expect them too. I was surprised that they didn't send a card though.

To people asking we did all socialise together but not on a regular basis, though they did exchange Christmas cards most years. We live in the same city but not close to each other.

OP posts:
fourtothedozen · 02/08/2015 11:35

Sorry for your loss.

No card would be the norm in our family.

Although OH and I have only one parent left between us when they were alive they wouldn't even know where each other lived.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 02/08/2015 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolpertinger · 02/08/2015 12:24

No card I think is odd. I was engaged when my Dad died and although my ILs had never met my parents at that point, and I wouldn't have wanted them at the funeral (actually my DH, then fiance didnt come as he was working abroad), they did send a card which we appreciated.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2015 12:27

Glad it all went as well as these things can, missnevermind. Shame your ILs didn't send a card though, I do think they could/should have done that, at least. :(

derxa · 02/08/2015 12:58

No card Sad

Szeli · 02/08/2015 13:03

Generally I would have thought in laws would attend as that's how things were done growing up.

Personally though, I wouldn't expect my in laws at my funeral. They're just a useless bunch with no grasp of social nicities that often don't bother telling us if family members have died let alone funeral details.

twinkletoedelephant · 02/08/2015 13:12

My fil and his wife drove for 5 hours to be at my mums funeral , they came and gave me a big hug and left they didn't come to the wake as mum had a big family and the felt they would intrude. It was lovely to know that there was still people who cared for me.

peanutcookie · 02/08/2015 15:34

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers
It's been fascinating to read about the different expectations from different cultures. I'm Muslim and we don't invite anyone to funerals nor wait for an invitation but the cultural norm is that funerals are open to anyone and everyone who wants to attend. Also since the funeral service is held immediately after one of the five daily prayers the mosque will already have people there who will be complete strangers but who take part in the funeral service. My in-laws came to my dad's. It would have been extremely strange for them not to. The last funeral I attended was for the father of an acquaintance of mine, she's not a friend but does a lot for our local community so I wanted to be there as a mark of respect for her.

Bunbaker · 02/08/2015 22:10

My MIl doesn't believe in sending condolence cards. She has had to deal with being widowed at 27, leaving her with three young children, losing a child and then losing her second husband.

I think her experience of death has hardened her and made her far less empathetic and sympathetic towards other people's loss.

She thinks that condolence cards are pointless and a waste of money.

limitedperiodonly · 02/08/2015 22:32

MIl doesn't believe in sending condolence cards. She has had to deal with being widowed at 27, leaving her with three young children, losing a child and then losing her second husband...her experience of death has hardened her and made her far less empathetic and sympathetic towards other people's loss. She thinks that condolence cards are pointless and a waste of money.

That's terribly sad Bunbaker but most people are going to judge her for not buying a card with a lily on it and sticking it in the post.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 03:15

Goodness, Bunbaker - that's dreadfully sad for her but really, not a reasonable excuse, I don't think. I knew a lady who lost 7 family members in one car accident (minivan actually) - she still had empathy and sympathy for others.
Different characters, of course.

ComposHatComesBack · 03/08/2015 07:49

Completely depends on their relationship, distance and availability. In general there's no hard and fast rules for how in laws should LD behave at this time.

My parents met, married and have lived their entire lives within a five mile radius of where they were born. Their parents (my grandparents) knew each other before their children got together. When my paternal grandfather died my maternal grandparents attended as they had had an ongoing and fairly meaningful relationship.

Like bunbaker my parents and in laws have met once - at our wedding - and it is very unlikely they'll meet again. My in laws (divorced) live in the South East of England, my parents live in the North west of England and we live in Scotland. They simply don't have a reason or opportunity to be in touch with one another. It wouldn't enter either of their heads to attend the other's set of parents' funeral.

Neither is right or wrong or the 'done' thing. I do find it quite tiresome when people can't concieve of a family set up different to their own or a different culture around funerals (this is in no way aimed at the op but at some other commentators on this thread.)

What happens in Ireland or Italy is not innately 'proper' or 'better' or more respectful, just different. I'm of the view that if distant relatives didn't bother with the deceased in life, to show up at the funeral isn't appropriate. I do however see that my mindset is a product of family norms and the culture I was brought up in. Other people may do it differently and I wouldn't think less of them for that.

.

catsrus · 03/08/2015 08:49

Oh right card wars now? My family, as mentioned up thread, are 'everyone goes to a funeral' but are not card senders actually that's probably because if you cared enough to think about sending a card you'd be at the funeral anyway .... Now someone is going to say they do card AND funeral Confused.

When someone doesn't behave as you would expect them to around a funeral it doesn't mean they are rude, it just means that their family expectations are different!

limitedperiodonly · 03/08/2015 12:36

Oh right card wars now?

Not from me catsrus. But whether you attend or not, you should acknowledge the death in some way. Your instinct is to attend the funeral. So is mine, after asking if my presence is welcome.

I'd express spoken condolences, send a card, flowers or a donation and turn up or ask if they need childcare. It's also nice to offer lifts to mourners who don't have a car - that's me, btw - but that's just me.

As long as someone did one of those things, I'd find that okay.

MrsHathaway · 03/08/2015 13:25

I remember my grandpa going through the condolence cards a year or more after my granny's funeral. I would definitely send a card regardless of attendance.

Sorry for your loss, OP and others.