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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
TiredOfBeingTooSoft · 31/07/2015 19:26

I'm so sorry for your loss x
Yes, my family would be there for DH's, and his would (and have) been there for mine.

Bunbaker · 31/07/2015 19:51

"It's not 'people being kept in compartments' Mehitabel"

Exactly. My parents lived over 300 miles away from OH's mother. The only thing they had in common was the fact that OH and I were married and they met just once at our wedding.

Culturally they were so far apart I couldn't have imagined that they would have much to say to each other. We have never lived in a house large enough to accommodate both sets of parents and neither of them could afford to stay in hotels when visiting so they never would have had the opportunity to meet again as DD was born many years after both my parents died.

Northernlurker · 31/07/2015 19:56

It's an interesting question. When bil died I know my mil sent my sis a card which was much appreciated. I'm pretty sure my mum sent mil a card when her dad died too. My dad's parents certainly attended my mum's father's funeral and my mum's mum and sister attended my dad's father's funeral. So yes Op I probably would expect this.

Northernlurker · 31/07/2015 19:57

It's an interesting question. When bil died I know my mil sent my sis a card which was much appreciated. I'm pretty sure my mum sent mil a card when her dad died too. My dad's parents certainly attended my mum's father's funeral and my mum's mum and sister attended my dad's father's funeral. So yes Op I probably would expect this.

ClumsyFool · 01/08/2015 00:19

I would expect my IL to attend for my parents and vice versa but they do know each other, we've all been on holiday together, they do birthday/Christmas presents etc in fact my sister although not living nearby is also thought of as family by my IL and SIL and sees them whenever she is here. However, even without that I'm pretty sure either set of parents would still come as support for DH and I. I guess it depends on your relationship though? I'm very lucky to have fantastic IL who have treated me as family from day 1 so I would think they'd be there as support for me.

Do you think they realise you want them there? Some people don't really know how to handle other's bereavement and may be thinking they'd be intruding somehow and need a little nudge from you?

CatHackney · 01/08/2015 00:34

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'd add, though, that I don't think I'd want or expect my in-laws in such circumstances. I'm saying this more just to point out that different people have different expectations, so maybe your in-laws just thought that this was something for people who were close to your parents and that they'd just be an awkward burden at a difficult time. Clearly, that's not how you're interpreting the situation, but just to say, they may think they're doing you a favour by not imposing rather than being thoughtless.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/08/2015 01:40

I'm a wee bit surprised at all the disappointed people who expected ILs to attend funerals.
I would certainly be disappointed if, as in some cases related here, there was no acknowledgement of the loss, by card or call; but not for non-attendance at the funeral.

But I'm realising that not only are we all different, but family expectations are very different too.

LazyLohan · 01/08/2015 02:01

How far away are MIL and SIL? If they are just around the corner then yes, it would be nice for them to make the effort. If they're not close by I think it's acceptable for them not to attend.

My parents didn't attend MILs funeral but they sent a card and donated to a charity in lieu of flowers. Nobody minded, that was Ireland n'all. I think they would have thought it a bit odd if they had come. My SIL who lived near, her parents came. But my other SILs families all just sent cards.

Topseyt · 01/08/2015 06:57

My parents did send a card, I should add. They just didn't go to the funerals.

All fine. They weren't expected to go.

FuckitFay · 01/08/2015 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 01/08/2015 07:28

Sorry for your loss. Dont want to think about it but mine would as thet know each other and meet without dh and i around for coffee and cake. X

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 09:03

I would be the mil in the situation the op described and my husband and I would go to my son in law's parents funerals. I wouldn't expect my other daughter to go though.

To put it is context, we are white British, not Irish and have met the in laws a few times socially.

When the mother of my daughter's mil died recently I also sent a condolence card to the mil (hope that makes sense).

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 09:04

You don't go to funerals for the deceased, you go for the living who are left behind.

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 09:08

I should also say that there are no right answers here.

My parents and my husband's mother have never met in the 31 years that we have been together. There is no way that they will go to each others funerals, although there are more factors involved than just not meeting.

ActiviaYoghurt · 01/08/2015 09:08

Mine would and be a pain causing me more work and expect me to run around after them. Ask your DH to ask if they want to come. If not don't let this distract you from the funeral.

Sincere sympathy for your loss, it must have been a terrible shock

Pardonwhat · 01/08/2015 09:10

In my mind funerals are about the living. So I'd expect them to go to support you.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss x

LadyNym · 01/08/2015 10:38

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. xx

I'm really shocked and baffled by the high numbers of posters who would expect ILs to attend their parents' funeral or vice versa and would offended if they didn't.

It wouldn't even occur to me as a possibility! But then, in my immediate family, I think we see funerals as an uncomfortable inconvenience. I don't know if it's because we're all very atheistic and funerals tend to at least have religious overtones or whether it's because autism runs very heavily in my family so large displays of emotion make us all very uncomfortable.

I would find it a bit of a burden and and stress if my ILs came to one of my parent's funerals, I think (and I get on with my ILs). They do also live several hundred miles away from each other, though.

I asked DH whether he'd expect my parents to go to his parents' funerals and he said he wouldn't even expect me to.

I didn't even go to my grandmother's funeral (although, having since found out certain things about her and my grandfather I'm glad of that and wish I hadn't gone to my grandfather's).

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/08/2015 10:46

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I don't know if my MIL and SIL would attend in those circumstances but they are both rather difficult.

I do know that if the situation was reversed then my DM would attend. In fact, when DH's DB died, my DM and DSIS and DB attended the funeral. It's a sign of respect, isn't it? And it showed support for DH and for myself. I know DH's family appreciated the gesture even though I'm not sure if they'd reciprocate it.

derxa · 01/08/2015 11:17

Here in Ireland it would be very normal to go to a funeral of a person you don't know to support someone you do know. I've been to lots of funerals of the parents of friends when I didn't know the parent."
Same here in Scottish farming community. My father is about to die and I expect 100s of people to come to the funeral. People who I barely know will probably drive a big distance to attend. My MIL is a bit odd bless her. She didn't attend her own husband's funeral because 'Highland women don't go to funerals' But that was because she was in terrible state of shock.
Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Baddz · 01/08/2015 12:06

Ladynym...it's called having compassion and empathy.
Also, there are such things as humanist funerals (have been to a couple) that have no reference to religion at all.

teacherwith2kids · 01/08/2015 12:21

"Ladynym...it's called having compassion and empathy."

No, it's called having a specific set of family traditions around funerals. My parents would not attend my IL's funerals (they didn't attend MiL's and won't attend FiL's), not because they lackl compassion and empathy, but because it is absolutely counter to their specific expectations and traditions around funerals.

They would, and have, done everything in their power to support DH in bereavement, over a very long period. They offered practical help in the form of childcare so I could attend MiL's funeral (although my attendance, as a woman, is only just becoming 'allowable' within their tradition). They have enormous compassion and empathy, and show it over a very long period rather than centred on a specific event.

Baddz · 01/08/2015 12:23

....and you are happy with that.
The op isn't.
What's your point?

LadyNym · 01/08/2015 20:01

Ladynym...it's called having compassion and empathy.
Also, there are such things as humanist funerals (have been to a couple) that have no reference to religion at all.

Ouch. I have compassion and empathy. When DH's grandfather died, I asked whether his gran specifically wanted DS and I to attend the funeral (DH doesn't care about that sort of thing either way). She did so we all went despite me not knowing DH's grandfather that well and despite the fact I knew it would be a hugely stressful day trying to keep a toddler quiet in church (who we have since realised has ASD - he is very hard work and the thought of taking to a funeral was all but terrifying for me). I went for her sake because I'm compassionate and empathetic.

However, my own feeling is I would feel very stressed out by lots of people I don't know well or who didn't know my parents well turning up to their funerals so it seems strange and alien to me that other people want it.

Since they do want it, I'd go along with that (because of the aforementioned compassion and empathy I am not lacking in) but I still find it baffling.

EverythingisonmyMurtaughlist · 01/08/2015 20:59

My oil came to both my mum and my dad's funerals. I have been with their son for nearly 2 decades, and I get on really well with them. They knew my dad better than my mum but came mainly to support me

EverythingisonmyMurtaughlist · 01/08/2015 21:00

Also sorry about your mum Flowers

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