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Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
florentina1 · 03/08/2015 14:52

I was in my early 20s when my dad died. I was really shocked that my ILs refused to come to the funeral. They also refused to look after the my baby and toddler. I had to ask a friend to care for them for the day which meant leaving before the wake had finished.

Crosbybeach · 03/08/2015 14:52

When my mum died I was living with my now DH, but we weren't engaged at the time.

I think if it had been an easy journey, like same town or a drive, they would have come. But it was a flight and 2 hour drive or a ferry journey and a really long drive.

Once we were married, I think they might have offered to come, but I'd have said no. They never met my mum as she was ill for most of the 10 years before she died.

Crosbybeach · 03/08/2015 14:53

When I said I'd have said no, only because it would have been such a long journey for them, really difficult.

PrimalLass · 03/08/2015 15:08

most people are going to judge her for not buying a card with a lily on it and sticking it in the post

Most people? I don't think so.

It really wouldn't occur to me that receiving a card would be helpful. Hopefully I'll remember this thread next time.

derxa · 03/08/2015 15:09

florentina Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 15:13

"It really wouldn't occur to me that receiving a card would be helpful."

You'd be surprised. It's actually quite comforting to receive cards, to know that others care enough for you, or for the relative who has died, to send them. I know that when Mum died, as well as the many cards that Dad got, I got some in my own right as well and it did help. Of course it doesn't make it better - nothing could! - but it eased something.

limitedperiodonly · 03/08/2015 17:01

I keep all sort of cards. I have to cull them but have kept birthday cards my mum sent me and the condolence cards others sent after her death.

Her birthday cards make me smile because she chose them very carefully.

Mehitabel6 · 03/08/2015 17:56

We are all different and I was widowed at a very similar as Bunbakers MIL and my experience tells me that it is very important to get in touch with a letter, card or phone call.
Receiving a card was very comforting . No point in sending if you are going to phone or call around, but upsetting to just ignore completely.
I have all the cards and letters now- over 30 years on.
If it was someone that I shared grandchildren with I should certainly phone them and support in any way that I could.

hollyisalovelyname · 03/08/2015 20:47

I love a thoughtful card.

SugarPlumTree · 04/08/2015 06:55

Whereas it wouldn't feel appropriate with our family circumstances for Dad to be at FIL's funeral, i'm sure Dad will do a card, he will want to show DH his support.

We're waiting for news from Spain about FIL, not entirely sure he will have made it through the night. We're supposed to be going away Thursday, it's all a bit stressful.

Mehitabel6 · 04/08/2015 07:08

Everyone's circumstances are different as to whether they do funerals but people shouldn't be put off cards. Because I was a young widow I knew a great many young widows and they all found contact with cards etc comforting. What is upsetting is being avoided or ignored.

Bunbaker · 04/08/2015 07:46

I totally agree Mehitabel6. While MIL doesn't do cards she didn't ignore the fact that my father had died and nor did she when my mother died. She is made of tough stuff and assumes that everyone should be like her.

Mehitabel6 · 04/08/2015 08:06

Probably she thinks a card is useless if you don't do anything else- it makes it more explainable. The main thing with a death is to acknowledge it- the way that you do it is personal.

freesiasaresweet · 04/08/2015 09:04

My DM died this year and my MIL and husband and BILs and SILs attended. They saw her at chn's birthday parties twice a year. I was very touched that they ALL came and stayed and not just for the church but the crematorium and the wake too. I would ask you DH to have a quiet word saying that it would mean a lot to you if a representative from that side of the family came. It's important for your chn I think to see that Dad's family thought a lot of your Mum.

freesiasaresweet · 04/08/2015 09:10

As someone else said, the worst thing is no acknowledgement. I have certainly been surprised and not pleasantly. At the moment, I feel that some relationships won't be the same because some people have ignored the fact that my DM, a huge part of my life has died. i don't care what form the acknowledgment took; a card, a text, a PM on fb, a post on fb, a hug, a 'sorry' but just SOMETHING!

middlings · 04/08/2015 09:18

Another Irish person here but living in the UK. After 15 years here, I still find the English way of dealing with funerals odd. First, I find the length of time between death and a funeral very strange - I think the speed at which it happens in Ireland is definitely better. Secondly, in the OP's case, I would find it very very odd in the ILs didn't attend. In fact, thinking about it, when my parents die (please goodness not for a long time yet) I would find it very odd if at least one member of DH's family didn't come over for their funeral and I have no doubt but that my parents will travel when MIL dies. And when DH's aunt dies, we will certainly go to the funeral, even though I've only met her twice. We'll be there to support MIL if nothing else.

It is interesting how different our cultures are despite geographic proximity.

Sorry for your loss OP, and glad your Mum had a good send off Flowers.

freesiasaresweet · 04/08/2015 09:31

So busy rattling on I forgot to say, I am sorry for your loss. I am only a couple of months on from you and while the rawness has subsided, it still hits me like a ton of bricks at times. Just keeping on with daily tasks and work has helped me a lot. Flowers

Interesting what you say middlings as DM's family is Irish. we had several members fly over for the funeral and some in this country that didn't bother because of early morning traffic!!

green18 · 04/08/2015 09:35

Who said it's considered rude to go to a funeral if you didn't personally know the deceased? That is rubbish. Anyone can go to a funeral mass or service. Normally the family will make clear if the burial or cremation is just immediate family and same for the wake.

Bunbaker · 04/08/2015 09:40

middlings I think the length of wait is down to the logistics and sheer numbers. My friend's mum died well before Christmas last year and the funeral wasn't until just before new year because they couldn't fit her in. The crematorium has loads of funerals at that time of year. I think the wait was about two weeks.

thebestfurchinchilla · 04/08/2015 09:41

So sorry your Mum has passed away op, may she rest in peace.

In answer to some earlier comments, I have been to funerals of a friend's parent when I had never met the deceased. I went to show my respect to my friend and her family. To acknowledge the enormous, sad loss they were going through. I have attended a funeral with someone who was very emotional so that I could help them and drive them etc. You don't have to know the deceased personally.

captainfarrell · 04/08/2015 09:59

There is nothing mawkish or voyeuristic about attending a funeral of a person you did not know personally. It shows respect for the deceased, who they were, what they were or stood for. For example when Princess Diana died. It's about paying respect. When I walked in to the church for my DM's funeral and saw colleagues of mine that had never met her, MIL, BILs, SILs, I felt honoured that these people had acknowledged how important my DM was and what a huge moment this was for me. I felt supported and carried through the day. They didn't all come to the wake but I know they were there and i'll never forget that. I'll also never forget those who didn't acknowledge her death at all!!!

DeeWe · 04/08/2015 10:32

This is personal to me, not what I think others should feel.
But I would personally feel awkward if someone attended to support me. I would feel I had to be overly grateful to them, and I wouldn't find their presence helpful. It would actually make me feel awkward about showing my emotions in case they felt they had to comfort me.
I would feel supported more by people who knew and could share memories.

I expect my pil/dp would go because they know ach other (and did before me and dh met) but would not expect them to go otherwise... Nor would I or dh particularly want them to. Wouldn't expect our siblings at all.

Tbh it wouldn't even occur to me I'd be anything but in the way if I went.

middlings · 04/08/2015 10:32

freesias that's the thing. You just go!! The father of a very close friend of mine died a few years ago and I flew to Dublin at very short notice and at considerable cost. My (English) DH's response was "I knew what I signed up to when I married an Irishwoman. I've got a mental money box for funeral and illness travelling costs for the rest of our lives." He drives me nuts, but there are times when I love my DH very much Grin.

bunbaker that's not the first time I've heard that but I do wonder whether or not it's a vicious circle where now it takes a long time because it just does. There are so many cultural groups in the UK where it would be unacceptable to wait longer than 24 or 48 hours after death for a burial or cremation that there must be provisions for that.

It really is all very interesting.

exexpat · 04/08/2015 10:40

I wonder if the longer gaps between deaths and funerals in the UK are due to families being more scattered these days? It can take a while for everyone to make arrangements to get to the funeral.

For example when my FIL died, in Scotland, the funeral was about 9 or 10 days later, which gave time for relatives (including a daughter and grandchildren) in Canada to sort out time off work and flights; likewise other family members scattered all over the UK. I think it's much less common now for people to have all their family and friends within a small area who can attend a funeral at a day or two's notice.

springlamb · 04/08/2015 10:49

Sorry for your loss, op.
I have a very chequered relationship with my MIL of 32 years standing. However, we always come up trumps for each other when the chips are down. She attended DM's funeral in 1996, in fact she was with me about 3 hours after hearing the news and spent much time babysitting, making tea, ironing etc.
When DDad was terminally ill in 2007 I remember her sending me and my 3 sisters all off to see him with a kiss and a hug while she minded children, made tea, ironed clothes.
For DDad's funeral she led the singing of the one hymn - then made tea and minded children at the wake. She's kind of become a surrogate mother in law to all my sisters too. Distant family members thought she must be DDad's new partner at the wake, which caused much mirth.
I am the only one she will discuss her end of life arrangements with, and I am the only one who knows all the bits of information that will make that time easier for DH and BIL.
The rest of the time we see each other as little as possible, and when we do we take extra care with the conversation so it doesn't degenerate into a row. I don't speak to her on the phone as it always ends in some misunderstanding that causes upset. I don't visit her house because I might make a remark about her furniture or decor that won't go down well. It's a weird relationship.

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