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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my MIL and SIL come to DMs funeral

331 replies

missnevermind · 30/07/2015 21:07

Mum died suddenly a few weeks ago.
Mum and Dad have been living in Spain on and off for the last 5 years and were there when it happened. Mum was cremated in Spain as per her wishes but within 3 days as is usual there. The speed of everything took us by surprise.
We are having ' a funeral without a body' here at the local church with drinks afterwards as Dad has brought her ashes home. We are expecting about 70 people.
Now my dilemma / bad thoughts Blush
It has not even occurred to any of DHs family to attend. We have been together 26 years. Married 22 with 4 children.
Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? Would you expect yours to attend?

OP posts:
middlings · 04/08/2015 10:51

In that instance exexpat it does make more sense. But when we lived here 30 years ago, it was the same so I think some of it is cultural. Also, I think in Ireland there is a cultural expectation that if you're going to get home, you do so very quickly. I've known funerals delayed for 5 or 6 days for someone to get home from Australia but other than that, unless there's a post mortem, they're quick still.

vvviola · 04/08/2015 10:53

Yes middlings, you do just go, don't you? And it's expected. For example, when I was literally half way around the world when my grandfather died, my work sprang into action to get me home asap. I got home faster than DB who was working in the UK, partly I think because his work, while happy to let him go home, didn't see the rush.

I also wonder if the predictability of Irish funerals helps with the speed (in the sense of, for a large portion of the population it's a catholic/Church of Ireland funeral followed by burial in a family plot, so there are only very limited decisions to be made, so the process can start relatively quickly)

CopaBanana · 04/08/2015 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 04/08/2015 11:06

As I said several pages ago it's not about support, it's about solidarity.

treaclesoda · 04/08/2015 12:09

Middlings I totally understand what you're saying. My granda died on a Friday and was buried on the Sunday, as is the norm here. My uncles living in Canada attended, there would have been no question of them not getting back in time, it was just understood that for their father they would be there.

I've seen similar with relatives making it the whole way from Australia in time to attend the funeral.

Mehitabel6 · 04/08/2015 17:01

You can't get a quick funeral. FIL died end of February and the funeral had to be end of March- had we not had that slot it would have been into April. Just too many people dying.

Bunbaker · 04/08/2015 17:05

That is an awful long time Mehitabel6. Whereabouts is that?

Horsemad · 04/08/2015 17:09

There has been a huge wait between the death and the funeral for the last few years. I'm not sure why the procedure has lengthened, but most funerals are now almost a month after the death.

Mehitabel6 · 04/08/2015 17:11

I like to remain anonymous and not give too many details. It was February when a lot of elderly people die. It is fairly common e.g someone has just cancelled seeing me because they have a funeral and that is more than a fortnight away. Maybe a church is different- these were crematoriums.

Bunbaker · 04/08/2015 17:16

My friend's mum didn't have a church funeral, just the crematorium. maybe we don't have enough crematoriums, especially in densely populated areas.

Mehitabel6 · 04/08/2015 17:19

One crematorium tends to serve a large area- especially if rural.

thebestfurchinchilla · 04/08/2015 17:47

It's often a case of getting church, crematorium and funeral directors to have the same slot available. Particularly if you want a particular priest or vicar to oversee the funeral. Our priest was extremely busy, covering a few parishes and was away for a few days when we were trying to arrange.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/08/2015 19:09

My parents came to FILs funeral and it was a 500mile round trip for them. They did it to help me support DH, and our children. And out of respect for MIL and FIL. They were not best mates or anything - exchanged xmas cards, saw each other maybe once every 2 years.

Unless living in a different country, or too ill/frail to travel, or a real clash of personailities, I would have thought most PILs would attend the other PILs funerals. But thats only going by my family. According to MN its normal not to invite close relatives to weddings etc, so what do I know.

derxa · 04/08/2015 19:35

According to MN its normal not to invite close relatives to weddings etc, so what do I know
Yes I can't get my head round this.

middlings · 04/08/2015 20:14

It makes me sad to think of all these people just waiting for the closure of a funeral Sad

And I'm one of those odd MNers who wouldn't have children at a wedding but have no problem with them at a funeral. It's never occurred to me until just now that some would find that odd. Is that another Irish thing?!

treaclesoda · 04/08/2015 20:17

middlings I'm guessing from what I read here that it must be an Irish thing. I was amazed when I first read on mumsnet that people didn't think funerals were suitable for children because where I'm from it's pretty much considered child cruelty to not let a child say goodbye along with everyone else.

wigglesrock · 04/08/2015 20:31

Me too middlings funerals yes, weddings no.
My granny died a few weeks ago, she died very early on a Wednesday morning, buried on Friday morning. Thursday was speng picking up all and sundry from airports and ferries.

hollyisalovelyname · 04/08/2015 20:49

Middlings and treaclesoda are you Irish / Northern Irish Mumsnetters?

treaclesoda · 04/08/2015 20:50

Yes, I'm N Irish. Smile

middlings · 04/08/2015 21:33

Yes, but I live in the UK.

ceres · 04/08/2015 22:59

Middlings - another Irish person here and I'd say the children at funerals but not weddings is very much an Irish thing.

Op - sorry for your loss.

hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2015 09:25

I find it very hard to get my head around the fact that in laws would not go to funerals.
They share grandchildren.
It must be an Irish thing.
I would have been so hurt if my inlaws had not bothered to come to my parents funerals and offered their support.

Bunbaker · 05/08/2015 09:36

"I find it very hard to get my head around the fact that in laws would not go to funerals.
They share grandchildren."

Not necessarily. You should never assume that there are grandchildren.

When both of my parents died DD hadn't been born. My ILs lived at the other end of the country from my parents and had met only once - at our wedding. They didn't know each other at all. There was no way I would have expected cash strapped MIL to spend £££ on travel and hotels to come to their funerals. It simply wouldn't have occurred to me or MIL.

thebestfurchinchilla · 05/08/2015 15:30

Is it not normal for inlaws to meet before the wedding anyway??? Is it just me? It's not just two people marrying, it's the coming together of two families.

Pagwatch · 05/08/2015 15:35

It depends on the families.

People are really stuck on the idea that what they do is normal and right and what others do is less.

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