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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell all the nice little shy girls at school...

191 replies

justmeokay · 29/07/2015 22:01

I was NEVER looked at by the boys... I was so shy, quiet, embarrassed of myself. I felt so silly and ugly, and young, compared to most of my friends. I thought they just had something I didn't.

But.... tonight, and I know this sounds pathetic... Those same boys, are sending me messages on facebook asking me how I am, trying to make little 'in' jokes from school, trying to CHAT ME UP. Because I did good things, I worked hard, I left that town, I went to university, I grew up. And now, yes, 10 years too late, but still, they actually fancy me! And I couldn't be less interested. Because I left, and did things, and saw the world, and met a boy who actually liked me, for me, and not because I was a bit easy, or cocky, or whatever.

I don't mean any disrespect to anyone with this, it just feels like one of those tiny little victories that I wish my 15 year old self knew would happen.

Woooo for being one of the nice ones, for ONCE!

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 30/07/2015 20:03

The word 'bully' is very easy to throw around isn't it. There's a chasm of difference between being so absolutely nasty to someone, they are eventually worn down and leave, and someone reading a different tone to what the op intended and personally either disagreeing with it, or bringing in a different perspective.

Maybe this op was just talking about herself and wanted others to be happy how far she came. Nothing wrong with that, most people have to take a journey in their lives to 'like themselves'. However, there is no denying she said she was proud of where so got by not being 'easy'. This can only imply she believes other people do behave in this manner. That is not OK, as much as it wasn't OK she was treated differently for being shy. Is it now not OK to pick up on this type of language, as a start? The other part, where she now enjoyed boys who used to ignore her wanted to talk - well that can be taken either way. In this case, the op felt it was because she had made progress, absolutely fair enough. However, I myself would (and have done) told those lads who thought it was so fun to point out my (non-existant) flaws exactly where to go. But that's only because some arrive at different conclusions to a similar situation, doesn't make the other person a 'bitch' or a 'viper'. Certainly doesn't require running off and never coming back after only a few posts. There was plenty of scope for an adult discussion. Plenty of people here are willing to share experiences, good and bad, from both sides. So no. I don't think it's bullying, I think it's just an opportunity to challenge perceptions.

limitedperiodonly · 30/07/2015 20:04

Third time lucky

maggieryan · 30/07/2015 20:07

Smug and gloating? Are we reading the same posts? Some of you would argue with a saint. Petty and horrible. No wonder OP has left!!

mamasilla · 30/07/2015 20:08

OP I loved your post and all negative comments to it are unfounded! Well done you mate, you deserve the happiness xxxx

Inforabumpyride · 30/07/2015 20:09

Sorry I've skipped to here as the first few posts were vile

I am so happy for you , enjoy the feeling

Don't leave

ButterDish · 30/07/2015 20:27

I'm clearly reading a different thread. I don't see bullying, I see a challenging of some fairly damaging and retrograde perceptions about female worth being measured in attractiveness and 'good girls' ultimately bagging the chaps. And huge numbers defending the OP. Certainly no AIBU savaging.

Not sure why the trend of replies has tended the way it has - I am sympathetic to an OP where the person realises she has put something clumsily, and who is ckearly being upset, but I see no meanness in the initial replies that are being accused of 'bullying'. On other threads, the OP saying she was leaving MN would have been greeted with eye rolling and directions to Flouncers' Corner.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/07/2015 20:30

You're right, ButterDish you are clearly reading a different thread.

Inkanta · 30/07/2015 20:33

Nothing wrong with OP's post. A lot of dramatic reaction though from some folk.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 20:36

It is a first with me: :
Not bullying, but challenging perceptions.

Another one that wouldn't wash in schools.

JohnCusacksWife · 30/07/2015 20:36

The only people measuring female worth in attractiveness are the men who are only now interested in the OP. And since when is being a "good" girl (or boy) a bad thing?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 30/07/2015 20:47

Obviously schools have changed a lot, because a lot of actual bullying went very unnoticed in both schools I attended. What exactly in the first few posts constituency as actual bullying, as opposed to disagreement or a different view? Again, I point out the poster left not only the thread, but seemingly the whole site after a couple replies that did not correspond with their point. Perhaps there have been a couple of harshes responses in the several following pages - but the op didn't even get to those. You can call it bullying, but I have had far ruder responses directed at myself on here and not instantly become so sensitive about it and 'flounced off', as others put it. If some truly believe that's nasty bullying, you've probably been very lucky not to come across true nastiness from others in your life .

ButterDish · 30/07/2015 20:55

Yes, exactly, Mrs Gently. And Through, I've just reread the first page. Every post before the OP says she's leaving Mn is basically nice, and certainly not bullying.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/07/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2015 21:06

I've reread the first page up to where the op left and I'm really struggling to see the bullying.

I disagreed with the op saying a good message for shy girls was that one day boys would fancy them, but isn't that why people post on AIBU? To find out opinions on things? I wasn't rude, and as far as I can see neither were most of the other posters up to that point (I agree later things got a bit more pointed). I'm happy for soneone to show me where I/others were bullying the op before she left.

If you feel there has been bullying on the thread why not report it and see what MNHQ say?

JohnCusacksWife · 30/07/2015 21:09

FWIW, I don't think the first few response were bullying. I think thereafter, as often seems to happen on AIBU, the pack mentality came to the fore and some people felt there was safety in numbers and continued to give the OP an unnecessarily hard time just because they could.

ButterDish · 30/07/2015 21:16

Honestly, it seemed to me that if there was a hive mind at work on the thread, it was more along the lines of 'WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT! BACK OFF, HATERS!' But any unpleasantness - and have seen far worse, and been the subject of it on here - came long after the OP left the thread and, presumably, Mn.

AvaCrowder · 30/07/2015 22:03

questioningstuff I could have posted your post almost word for word. I wish I hadn't been such a desirable teen. And then a difficult one. I hoe that you are alright now.

Justmeokay don't go! I first posted in a less robust topic and got flamed, namechanged, and have got a lot out of mn over the years.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 22:10

She apologised profusely last night, she didn't mean it the way it came across. The worst of the replies came after that. I don't know what else she could have done, having apologised. Probably those people didn't read the thread and so never knew that she had apologised.

Timetodrive · 30/07/2015 22:12

Just because she has left the thread does not mean she has not continued to read, for a period this thread became pretty servere even after she apologised. Unfortunately for me my maiden name rhymes with frigid and being too ugly for a boyfriend at secondary, I would find some pleasure in having the same boys flirt. Although it was never the boys who called me "frigid " that came from the girls.

maddening · 30/07/2015 22:15

Op -good on you - am sure a lot of us would love to give our younger selves a message of hope/support/encouragement/advice or to say let go of the crap we feel held us back from enjoying our teens.

stayanotherday · 30/07/2015 22:27

I understood the OP and some posters have been lovely. As usual, some love to pick the holes in every word and twist things. It must be wonderful to be so perfect. I wonder how some of you manage to get on with anybody, maybe you don't. Have a good look at yourselves first before being mean to others. Good luck OP.

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/07/2015 23:34

Oh I think I did understand the OP.
What I understood is that she hasn't moved on, and hasn't accepted that the girls she thought of as bullies were perhaps not, and even hurting themselves.
How does a hurting teen ask for help?
As I said, I have a teen, I drill her on how to be nice/decent/friendly etc, but as an adult, I don't expect her to behave as anything other than a teenager.
Wishing Ill, or being gleeful about it is not something I would encourage.
The op thinks this is OK, I don't, and I think it means she hasn't moved on.

southeastastra · 30/07/2015 23:35

dear mn op

do not post on aibu

it attracts a certain type of twat

sea xxx

JohnCusacksWife · 30/07/2015 23:36

Brillo, can you show me where the OP said the girls were bullies?

JohnCusacksWife · 30/07/2015 23:37

...or for that matter where she wishes I'll on anyone?

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