to want to tell all the nice little shy girls at school...

[justmeokay]

I was NEVER looked at by the boys... I was so shy, quiet, embarrassed of myself. I felt so silly and ugly, and young, compared to most of my friends. I thought they just had something I didn't.

But.... tonight, and I know this sounds pathetic... Those same boys, are sending me messages on facebook asking me how I am, trying to make little 'in' jokes from school, trying to CHAT ME UP. Because I did good things, I worked hard, I left that town, I went to university, I grew up. And now, yes, 10 years too late, but still, they actually fancy me! And I couldn't be less interested. Because I left, and did things, and saw the world, and met a boy who actually liked me, for me, and not because I was a bit easy, or cocky, or whatever.

I don't mean any disrespect to anyone with this, it just feels like one of those tiny little victories that I wish my 15 year old self knew would happen.

Woooo for being one of the nice ones, for ONCE!

[Timetodrive]

Not dating at school, well at my school was a huge stick to be beaten with by some of the girl (especially with acne filled face face, braces, glasses as well as being shy). Boys would not even talk to certain girls for the fear of being teased. So I can see the small victory in these same people showing interest

[midnightvelvetPart2]

I know what you mean op, it's a personal victory when for years you weren't good enough and now you're out of their league. I know exactly what you mean

And yes mn is a great place sometimes for women who need assistance to shift their self esteem onto their own achievements rather than relying on mens reactions to feel good , but this thread isn't one of them. The op came on to say something positive and about how the adult her succeeded mightily in spite of not being respected at school. It was a classic underdog does good story and I'm sure we can all relate to that in some way!

[StitchingMoss]

Gymboy, you're the reason I won't be going to my school reunion next year because I know there will be people there thinking "bloody hell she's a heifer now!"

And no I wasn't a bully at school, I was bullied.

[StarsInTheNightSky]

I agree with questioningstuff and innocentwhen I was also sexually abused as a child, and that made me "easy" for a lot of years. I was one of the so called popular girls, and I went through high school a lot younger than most (due to advanced placement) it wasn't a good combination. I was always nice to people, but to think that anyone would be gloating decades down the line is pretty revolting.

I've had an extremely successful and lucrative career, but now I have very little hair due to cancer (which isn't responding to surgery or treatment) and up until my most recent surgery I had a huge belly caused by a cluster of tumors. I've also in the past had a huge belly post stillbirth and post late miscarriage. I'm now painfully thin with a grey cast to my skin. You have no idea what other people are going through, and to feel smug about their supposed misfortune is horrible. Why on earth does it matter what they're like now? Who's that interested in other people's business anyway?

[PurpleDaisies]

I've just come back to this thread and I hope you don't cancel your profile op. I don't think you've been rude-I know what you meant in your original post and it is great when something happens to make you feel positive, especially when it directly opposes something that you used to feel bad about in the past.

All I was trying to say was that we should be encouraging girls to be comfortable and confident in their own right without needing validation from boys. If we presenting being attractive to men as a solution to feeling shy we're reinforcing the message that women need men to be happy. There are too many people who bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship being treated badly because they are afraid to be alone so we need to be careful that we don't start giving girls bad messages while we're trying to build them up.

It really wasn't meant as a personal criticism at all and I hope you continue to use mn.

[Inkanta]

Innocent - I think OP did come on to pass on a positive message. Nothing negative there. An ugly ducking kind of message.

[happywiththis]

OP i know EXACTLY what you mean and how you feel.
I think i must be very similar to you!

one thing i have had to learn is: dont depend on others to make you happy or feel validated etc. People are notoriously unreliable...!

[Fatmomma99]

Are you ok noperspectiveonthis? You post was sad.

to everyone (whether on this site or not) who's come through to the other side of sexual abuse.

[LatinForTelly]

I get what you meant, OP. (Sheesh, some people can be snippy.)

I think when I was at school there was a definite 'ideal' of how someone should be, and it's only when you're adult that you see that it's fine to be shy or quieter.

YY, Worra, hurrah for all the lovely quiet boys too. When I look back at school, the 'lads' were so feted (can't do hat thing on the e), but the quieter boys were almost always so much more interesting.

[happywiththis]

I think theres quite a lot of over-reacting going on here.
This thread was clearly not started to cause offense or to be disrespectful to anyone else's experiences or what they have had to endure.
Can we all back off a leetle?!

[SrAssumpta]

OP, I knew when I read the thread title how this would go and although I actually agree with many of the posters who disagreed with you, I completely see where you're coming from I just think it would have gone down better among a group of friends than on AIBU.

Don't come off MN, I've had similar flamings sometimes justified sometimes not.

[AdeleDazeem]

Hey, 12 year old Adele?

Gasp Who are you?

Why I'm the Fairy Future-Mother. I have seen into the future and I can tell you of all the joys and delights that await you.

Wow! That's amazing! Thank you so much Fairy Future-Mother. So am I going to be a successful doctor? Will I have healthy, happy children? Will I be a good person with treasured friends who helps people if she can?

the Fairy Future-Mother leaned close and whispered in the little girls ear
Boys will like you.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

I'm sorry op, but your opening post didn't sit too well with me either. I can see where you're coming from, we're all different people ten years down the line and you are proud of your achievements. Nothing wrong with that!

However, no, it's not OK to call young girls 'easy', just because they had the boys attention. I was not popular at all in school, but whether other girls were bullies, makeup lovers, popular, smarter, (not many in that category or lazier than me!) or just whoever they were, I really tried not to judge unless their actions had a specific effect on me. When at university, I was suddenly 'popular', with both friends and male attention - I'm not ashamed of that, as much as I'm not ashamed of the shy, quiet, geek I was as school. It's now melded me into someone who doesn't want to crawl away in social situations, but I don't have to be the life and soul to have fun. I can be geeky and weird, I can also have silly 'girly' fun. It's OK to be proud of oneself, but not at the expense of putting others down.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

Do people come on AIBU just to be bastards?


basically- YES!

[HexU2]

See - I got what you meant OP.

Personally I've never wanted to go back and have any contact with people from that phase of my life.

But then things started turning round for me even before I left - well I did every well in exams so wasn't thick and I got to university. Bit of a crap start there for first weeks - moved halls - and everything got better. Got boyfriend almost immediately - though he had to spend some time convinced me he was really interested. All proof what I was told at school by staff and fellow pupils was rubbish. Life since then has been about building my self esteem up.

It's a very mild version of a situation I remember about I think the columbine shootings documentary - at least I think it was that one - turns out makers of South Park had gone there few years before and had a shit time - and they said they'd have loved to have told the shooters - that it got so much better when you left and got into real life.

[Mamiof3]

My dd isn't shy and she has loads of friends, is she not nice?!!

[HexU2]

My Dc are shy and have friends they are nice.


I suspect the OP means she suffered bullying at very least a low level esteem destroying level.

[QuestioningStuff]

I wasn't trying to be a 'bastard' I hope nobody got that from my post.

I'm sorry the OP and others in this thread had a shit time at school. But the 'haha look at the popular girls their life is shit' attitude that so often pops up on these threads is hard to not take personally. I was going through a shit time at home while I was at school and dealing with situations a teenager can't handle very well. I suspect people would look at my life now and think it was shit. And that hurts. Because it could have gone much much worse and although I'm not where I'd like to be I'm proud of the small things I have achieved because they didn't come easy to me.

I guess what I'm saying is we were all children then. We don't know what someone has been through and although I do understand it must feel satisfying if you truly move on and grow up you won't need to have these feelings about anyone.

[OnGoldenPond]

I wasn't a favourite with the boys at school either, though to be fair I had good friends and wasn't bullied. The boys thought I was too lippy

However I can't imagine wanting to go to a reunion to meet up with any of those boys who rejected me just to see if they fancy me now. Smacks a bit of being a "pick me" dance. I don't choose to give them that sort of power over me as to be honest I don't care what they think of me now. I have much better things to do with my time than waste an evening in their company.

Brings to mind a situation DH was in some years back. He was ousted from the company he was a director of, some of the other directors made some nasty false allegations about his competency to try to justify their actions.

On his last day in the office one director said to him " I bet in a years time you will be walking into this office and telling me about how successful you have been since you left"

DH just said "no I will be far too busy enjoying my life to spend any time on you"

Now that is real revenge

[Mamiof3]

One of the popular girls at my school was sexualised at a young age due to abuse and therefore the boys saw her as 'easy'. She was very loud and a bit mean. Probably all a front. I don't think laughing at her now a bit shitty life because you were shy and quiet and probably had a pretty nice childhood outside of school which has allowed you to go to uni, get a good job etc, and she's now struggling. Just an example.

[noperspectiveonthis]

Yes I am okay fatmomma thanks for asking . I am sad about the unaffectionate state of my relationship but at this stage I really don't know what to do about it. I can't force dh to have those feelings for me (sadly!!).