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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell all the nice little shy girls at school...

191 replies

justmeokay · 29/07/2015 22:01

I was NEVER looked at by the boys... I was so shy, quiet, embarrassed of myself. I felt so silly and ugly, and young, compared to most of my friends. I thought they just had something I didn't.

But.... tonight, and I know this sounds pathetic... Those same boys, are sending me messages on facebook asking me how I am, trying to make little 'in' jokes from school, trying to CHAT ME UP. Because I did good things, I worked hard, I left that town, I went to university, I grew up. And now, yes, 10 years too late, but still, they actually fancy me! And I couldn't be less interested. Because I left, and did things, and saw the world, and met a boy who actually liked me, for me, and not because I was a bit easy, or cocky, or whatever.

I don't mean any disrespect to anyone with this, it just feels like one of those tiny little victories that I wish my 15 year old self knew would happen.

Woooo for being one of the nice ones, for ONCE!

OP posts:
JohnCusacksWife · 29/07/2015 23:20

Swotty! I was never spotty (that would've put the tin lid on it!)

Gymbob · 29/07/2015 23:35

I was never looked at by the boys either. they called me the titless wonder. I hated them with a vengeance. I was so so painfully thin. I never felt like a girl. I felt like a nothing. I hated school, just wanted to be accepted. never had a boyfriend while everyone else did.

now I get bitchy, will wait for the onslaught.

went to a school reunion at aged 45. I really prepared for it. I knew who was going. i am 5ft 6in and weigh 8 stones. most of the girls were heifers, some were worse, with the huge stomach that starts above the pubic bone. lots of the boys were thinning on top, or bald and grey. boy did I get some looks, comments and some unwanted attention, but remained mature and polite throughout. the most popular girl at school who was once so slim, was huge. she looked me up and down and said 'damn, you look good'.

it was the most satisfying night of my life. still weigh the same 8 years later.

oh, and OP, its free speech on here, say what you want, do NOT be bullied like we were at school.

SoozeyHoozey · 29/07/2015 23:48

Gymbob I'm sorry you were bullied but you've now become a hypocrite and as shallow and superficial as those who bullied you. Instead of celebrating your dress size, you should be celebrating your the content of your character. Strength and dignity would set you far above your bullies, not how skinny you are.

Luckyfellow · 29/07/2015 23:50

Some are bald or fat now? It seems that some people are still living in the playground and gloating over the misfortune of others. Not that going bald is a misfortune. I like a shaved head on a man. It is sad to see that grown ups are feeling better about themselves by looking on others unkindly.

JohnCusacksWife · 30/07/2015 00:21

Why are so many people nit picking and finding fault with the OP's post? Are you incapable of reading between the lines and understanding the spirit of her post - a wish that she could have told her younger self that it would all work out ok and that she should have faith in herself and that those who she felt intimidated by or dismissed by or in awe of, actually, weren't all "that".

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2015 00:41

Blimey Gymbob

I'm 46, weigh 8st 3lbs and my hair is quite thick and dark.

I can't ever imagine me describing a reunion where some people my age weighed more or had grey thinning hair, as the 'most satisfying night of my life.'

And it's a shame that your hatred of school and the name calling, has lead you to think that way about naturally ageing people.

Fatmomma99 · 30/07/2015 00:53

Gymboy - I had no tits either!!!!

(but now I'm fat. I hate being fat, but I love my busoooms!)

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 30/07/2015 01:00

I think a better message to shy quiet girls is that they need to find their voice and work out why they are being shut out of participating. Whether that is losing weight, seeing a dermatologist, taking elocution lessons or just realizing that they have as much right to speak as anyone else in their class.

achieve6 · 30/07/2015 01:01

Wow
Not sure what the saddest aspect of this thread is....feel like it will end up on a psychology syllabus!

sykadelic · 30/07/2015 02:30

I had a horrible time in school. I was picked on for various reasons.

I do understand the feeling that comes over you when you realise that they're not as big and bad and scary as they were back then. When you realise that they're human and not perfect. That you look back on how things were then, and how they are now and think, I did make the right choices and I'm okay.

Sadly though it does go to show how much of a shitty time we had in school that we have this glee and it's probably not healthy but damn if it doesn't feel good sometimes!

I'd love to add "skinnier" but I'm not, and I'm sure there's probably things they still feel superior about, but at the end of the day I don't have to see them every day, my self esteem isn't shot, and what they think doesn't matter one iota!

PastaLaFeasta · 30/07/2015 02:51

I think if you were picked on for being unattractive in some way, because looks can mean a lot to teens, it is natural to compare yourself to those kids as aged adults. Just as you would if you were told you were stupid and found out you'd done better in education/work. It may not be healthy but bullying can screw up how you view these things. I'm still paranoid about looking ok and wearing the right things - as a teen I'd be picked on if my hair wasn't right or my shoes weren't expensive branded ones etc.

I'd be happy to be seen as comparatively attractive at a school reunion, especially against the bullies, but it would be internal.

Whether we like it or not looks do form part of many people's self esteem, the beauty industry is booming so it's probably very common even if it shouldn't be valued so much.

It's good to know you made it out OP. I know very few from my school escaped and it can put things in perspective - how far you've come.

Spartans · 30/07/2015 06:10

I get where the op is coming from, in a round about way. Don't find it offensive or anything.

But I do find it concerning that adult women find being chatted up by people who are essentially strangers as something to be proud of.

Dd is quite and unassuming I certainly won't be telling her 'it's ok because one day these boys will fall at your feet'.

as for the 'now they are all fat and bald and I am gorgeous' comment, I don't see how that makes you any better. Baring in mind these people were kids when you went to school, but you are doing it as an adult.

Having boys throw themselves at you or bein more attractive at 40 isn't something I want my dd to aspire to.

Inkanta · 30/07/2015 06:22

Completely understand what the OP is saying. I was a shy titless beanpole teenager with short curly hair. Had friends with lovely developed bodies who seemed confident and attracted the boys. Luckyly I didn't stay that way and so other teenagers like me can take heart. That's all the OP is saying.

PageNotFound404 · 30/07/2015 06:28

I feel so sorry for the OP. I read her first post thinking "uh-oh, I know what she's getting at but she's going to get shredded by people who think she's entirely measuring her self-worth by whether or not people fancy her". And so it came to pass.

The one thing that stands out, OP (if you're still reading this) is that if fairly-typical-but-not-the-worst AIBU comments can take you down to a level where you feel you need to de-register, then it suggests that maybe you are still placing more importance on what other people think and say about you than their opinions deserve, as opposed to what you think about yourself. It sounds like you've come a long way and I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself, and I hope you're able to continue building up your self-esteem even further until you can shrug off an experience like this.

Inkanta · 30/07/2015 06:34

And nothing wrong with OP being amused or having a bit of fun with those lads that ignored her then. No big deal!

fastdaytears · 30/07/2015 06:41

Honestly, I was probably a bit easy and cocky at 15! Seem to have done ok for myself since school and I don't feel guilty for some teenage experimentation. I wouldn't any teenage girls to.

QuestioningStuff · 30/07/2015 06:46

OP I do understand what you were getting at I think you've just gone about it a bit clumsily.

And honestly, I find these threads quite upsetting. I was the 'popular easy bitch' at school. I was also struggling to come to terms with sexual abuse I'd suffered as a child as well as being raped as a teenager. So I suppose I did act out and may not have been the loveliest girl sometimes.

But to think somebody may feel 'superior' to me because they didn't make those 'life choices' when they have no idea what I was going through I find that pretty hurtful.

fastdaytears · 30/07/2015 06:48

Flowers for Questioning

Some of the girls who seemed to be up for anything at school were not doing it because they feel great about themselves and "beating" (if indeed you have) might not be a think to be really happy about.

Mehitabel6 · 30/07/2015 06:49

Don't be put off OP. MN is a strange place, especially on AIBU, and well intentioned posts go off in strange directions that you can't possibly predict.
It isn't even safe to start an innocuous one about the weather!
It is a nice message for any teenagers who suffer now. You change. There are lots of boys who are really shy too. I hated my teenage years.

tobysmum77 · 30/07/2015 07:04

OP yet again you are worrying about what people think.

Maybe in 10 years you'll come back and say '10 years ago I was bothered by someone on mn dissing me, now I don't care diss away'

I get what you mean, totally, but you have 10 years more to put in I think Wink .

cassgate · 30/07/2015 07:26

Op I also understand where you are coming from and think that those who have taken offence have probably never been the shy quiet ones who have been humiliated and bullied by the more popular ones. I was one of the quiet shy ones and dare I say it fat ones at school. I kept myself to myself and had a small group of like minded friends who I am still friends with today. Didn't stop me being bullied and humiliated by a few of the more popular kids though. Role forward to now some 30 years later and I am confident in myself and look back at those school days and smile because I know that those same people who ridiculed me and bullied me for being fat and plain are now themselves exactly that. What goes around comes around springs to mind. I saw one of them recently whilst out shopping and she made a beeline for me all sweetness and light. I was polite and kind but I wondered why an earth she was talking to me. It was as if the years she had made my life a misery had been wiped from her memory. She was still in touch with the other girls who were nasty and wanted to invite me to a forthcoming reunion. I politely declined that invite. Interestingly, my dd has always been popular at school but just recently I have seen that some of the other girls in the popular group have become quite nasty and have ostracised my dd because she is not yet interested in boys. They are all 11. We have had tears from dd but I told her about my school days and how being with the in crowd is not all its cracked up to be and she is now friendly with other girls in the class.

noperspectiveonthis · 30/07/2015 07:31

I am 46. Does that make me an aged adult ShockSad?

But actually, thinking about it, my dc are now 9, 11 and 13 (1 boy and 2 girls) and I am kind of unprepared for their entry into teenage romance. I myself had my first boyfriend at 27 (ShockBlush the subject of a whole other thread) so feel ill equipped to advise and understand.

Instinctively I would say that sexual experimentation / relationships would be best when they are late teens and in their twenties (so more mature) but I have no idea what is "average" in today's world.

I hope they do not settle down with the first person who shows them any interest as I did because 19 years later I find myself living with someone who never touches me or shows me any affection and whom I don't think I am really compatible with.

Much better to have several relationships when young so that you know what you want IMO.

NewFlipFlops · 30/07/2015 07:34

I know what you mean OP. I was a fat plain teen who became much more slim and attractive in my first year at university and honestly I enjoyed all the (unwanted) attention when I arrived home that time. I had no interest in the people who had teased me or ignored me previously Smile I think your first post was over-interpreted a bit. Enjoy the feelings of confidence and keep that nice side, it comes in handy. Is that a nice comment? Oh I dunno Grin

Just read JohnCusacksWife above; that was my experience.

YouBastardSockBalls · 30/07/2015 07:37

Do people come on AIBU just to be bastards?

PageNotFound404 · 30/07/2015 07:45

As a general aside, I'm not comfortable with the shifting usage of "popular girls" to imply "mean bullies" as I've seen on a few MN threads. While it was never a sobriquet that could have been applied to me at school, being a mouse-shy billy-no-mates for most of it, sometimes children are popular just because they're actually nice, kind people and others want to be around them. "Popular" =/= "bully".