To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

[ASorcererIsAWizardSquared]

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

I am beyond squeamish, terrified of pain and do not cope well in medical situations (luckily my DH is the opposite) and how I ever gave birth to three children is nothing short of miraculous. I certainly didn't want to know what was going on at the 'business end' till the DC arrived!

However, when one of my DDs asked me to be present at the birth of her child I couldn't possibly say no.

And watching my first DGC arrive in a birthing pool (quite close to the business end!) was amazing and I'm so glad I was there.

Unless there is a genuine medical reason then the father should get his act together and be a supportive partner and father. No excuses.

I was present at the birth of both my kids - I'm glad I was there but I don't think it has any long term impact on the way I feel about them. I doubt I would lave them any less had I not seen them enter the world. My dad wasn't present at my birth and I never felt unloved by him. My brother was present at the birth his four kids but it didn't stop him getting a divorce. Ultimately it doesn't make a lot of difference either way.

However, the person who needs support during labour is the mother and I think some mums can get better support form their own mum/sister best friend than they can their partner.

Well, no Libraries, its not. A Phobia counts as 'really really' not wanting to be there imho. A few people on here and women i've spoken to IRL about it have actually said they don't care what their Dh/OHs feelings are, they WILL be there or they can fuck off and leave

I don't think thats fair.. its blackmail

Where on earth does the idea that it is not ok to ditch someone who does not offer you what you need come from? Or that acting on a deal breaker is blackmail.

Seperation and divorce are things that happen,people fall out of love,people lose respect for partners often actions are the cause of this.

Why is it ok to say "I want a divorce because your desire to play golf and you prioritising that over family life means I feel unsupported"

Or "unkindness to people is a deal breaker for me you have become unkind so piss off"

Or "you do not help enough I'm out of here"

But it all of a sudden becomes blackmail if it's "you could not put my feelings above your own at the time I most needed you so I am done here"

For some people child birth is a monumentiously concerning time one where they need support it is not unreasonable to expect that support from your partner and if they are unwilling to provide it feel let down, it is also not unreasonable to make sure they won't let you down again,because you should be able to rely on someone you are sharing your life with to that extent.

Partners are a bit like parachutes, if they are not there when you need them the likelihood of a sensible person ever needing them again is slim to none.

I'm the other end of the scale I find it intolerable to have them with me and prefer to just have HCP's and damn right I would feel massively unsupported if the other parent was unable to prioritise what would make it easier for me over their own desire to see the baby emerge.

Late coming back to this one. But .yes.. I would have been very much alone for hours and hours if my husband hadn't been there. The midwives were away dealing with urgent cases. They popped in and out. And when the meconium came, how would I have found someone to tell if my husband hadn't been to tell to find someone to say that I too had become an urgent case? What would have happened?

My DH was with me in the early stages of labour - he was watching the World Cup football on the TV in the hospital room, while I was enjoying the gas and air! As the contractions became more painful, I became more out of it, he left the room to pace outside. He didn't like seeing me in pain, and felt helpless, and I had both a midwife and student midwife with me. He was right there if I had needed him, and came in as soon as he heard his son cry. He's an excellent husband and father, and while I might wind him up that he wasn't there at the moment DS was born, it worked for us and I'd have no hesitation in doing the same again. I resent the implication made by some posters that because he wasn't right there with me he is in some way a worthless partner. Childbirth is a personal, painful and intimate time, and what works for one couple might not work for another - couples should be able to make these decisions for themselves without judgement from others.

I have 4 and have had them without him there and with him there. Personally I like to labour alone, midwife popping in and out and letting me focus on what I need to focus on.

We are all different and I hate it when I hear women say, "I couldn't have got through it without him." What would they do, just cross their legs and go lalalala? I also hate it when it is presented at some sort of punishment, "He was there for the fun bit so he can be there for the messy bit."

If you want him and there and he wants to be there great, if either of you don't want it then I think that is great too and no one else has anything to do with it.

Of course people don't mean it literally when they say "I couldn't have done it without him". They mean it would have been harder and more unpleasant. It's just a turn of phrase.

I have met women who have insisted they couldn't, when I said to one, "Well if he was in the Falklands (topical at the time) you would have managed." She insisted she wouldn't, it would literally have been impossible.

Obviously she was wrong but she did believe it.

No I would never force someone; don't know if it would hugely bother me - it might make me question how much they wanted to be a parent if there wasn't a real psychological reason for not being there.

I think if I was alone otherwise, I would expect support from my partner up to the start of stage 2, or expect them to wait by the door so I could shout if I needed something.

I certainly didn't feel vulnerable giving birth - I think it's unfair to assume all women are going to feel that way.

Ok. that's just bonkers then. I've only heard it used as short hand for "he was a massive help."

I had my DH present at the birth of our first - because it was what we were encouraged/pressured to do by the hospital etc. It was a 22 hour slow back to back labour and TBH DH was just something else to worry about - I really would rather have done it alone

When my second was born, as we are 250 miles from all family, we decided that DH would stay home and look afer the first and I would go it alone. I had a wonderful student doctor and a brilliant midwife and was absolutely fine. They let DH and DS visit outside hours (when I was all cleaned up and my make up back on!) as he had not been there.

*I don't much care about "fairness" either way.

If there's ever a situation in life in which I don't give a shit about men's feelings, it's childbirth.

I do appreciate tho that if you have an immature and/or EA partner, then you're better off with him out of the relationship room.*

love that post!

don't know why that post wasn't highlighted

I didn't want to be at the birth and if I could have avoided it I would've lol. In all fairness I wouldn't have noticed if dh wasn't there. Turns out in labour I like space. No touching, no faffing, just me focused on me. Dh said he felt more of the midwifes assistant then my partner but he wants to be there. I wouldn't judge if he didn't want to.
Many fathers miss their child's birth for many reasons. Being abroad in the armed forces, labour being too quick and not making it on time, needing to be at home to care for other children and those whoses partners have to under a general anaesthetic for a c-section.
Doesn't make them any less of a father just as using a surrogate or adoption doesn't make a mother any less of a mother

I think it's unfair that I'm the one who, despite not actually requesting to be a woman, has to give birth. The lack of fairness absolutely does not rest with a man when it comes to childbirth.

It's highly publicised that giving birth is painful and unpleasant. People know this when they come to expect a child. Picking and choosing which bits you can and can't get to take part in doesn't bode well for impending parenthood. Of course there'll be the cases like stated in here when medical condition mean a man being at the birth is neither use nor ornament, but not being there because you don't fancy it is shitty and disrespectful.

A woman will go through probably the most pain and discomfort she'll ever feel, and there could be many complications. I was rushed to surgery after giving birth and then given 2 blood transfusions - too bloody right that needs support and the woman's need absolutely trump the mans needs. It never would occur to me to ask DH if he "wanted to be there" - in fact he'd tell me to stop being a daft bugger.

And FWIW not all men find it unpleasant and traumatic. Despite my emergency after giving birth, DH said it was amazing for him - except his wife being in pain of course but he felt better knowing he was there to help - and enjoyed watching it all unfold, especially watching me pushing her out. It hasn't put him off me one bit, and he spent the next few months telling people who amazing I was through it all and how proud of me he is.

Libraries, yes bonkers is the word. I actually got a bit confrontational about it as I thought it was so ridiculous. I think I had PMT at the time as was being argumentative.

When I was a teenager I worked with a woman who had given birth in WW2, she gave birth under the kitchen table during an air raid, her husband was in France and the baby was a few months old before he saw her. Not ideal obviously but as I pointed out to this bonkers person it shows what women can do.

I always loved listening to her stories, she was so funny and a brilliant storyteller, I swear I can picture the whole scene even though I wasn't even born myself at the time. An amazing generation of women, their efforts and what the coped with are often overlooked as they aren't as dramatic as the men fighting overseas but where would we be without them. No good the men off fighting if there was nothing to come back to.

None of us know what we are capable of until we are confronted with it.

Piper, not everyone feels the same. I always feel sorry for men because they can't experience childbirth. I have had the occasional emergency, C Section, forceps, horrible stitches but I wouldn't have missed it for the world and don't envy men at all.

Forgot to mention in my post - if a woman is genuinely fine going alone and so is her partner, then fair enough if that works for them. But instances where a woman is asking her partner to be there - and he can (ie no medical reasons) - and he refuses, well sorry that's a shitty selfish thing to do and I resent that it would be seen as a woman "forcing" or "blackmailing" her partner as opposed to him letting her down in her time of need.

Also everything Needs said, great post

I know granny and though my post probably didn't come across like it I did actually enjoy childbirth! Yes it was painful and I was very ill after it but overall it was so exciting and amazing, I still can't quite believe I managed it!

Piper I am glad you enjoyed it, it is the most amazing experience and worth the difficult bits in my opinion but I guess not everyone will agree. I have heard of PTSD after a diffiult birth. The only bit I was truly scared of was the stitches, don't know why but I hated them and found them much more difficult then delivering a 10 lb baby.

granny I agree, I think the after pains, including breastfeeding pains, were harder to deal with than labour itself. I also think it's worth the difficult bits and was enjoyable, when I say that to some people though I often get the face

I suspect it would be counter-productive to have an unwilling birth partner. I'm not sure about the necessity of reconsidering the relationship if the father is not willing/able to attend, it may work better all round for someone who is more able to deal with it to support the mother in labour.

I do know of one chap who actually did suffer to the extent he almost had a breakdown after seeing his wife go through ( a very easy) labour and birth. His devotion to her was never in doubt, he has subsequently been a great husband and father, but he could not deal with seeing his wife in pain. Wimpy, yes, but not sufficient reason to split up, for them.

For myself, I really needed DH there for DS1, and he was very supportive, but for DS2 he only made it to the hospital just in time to see him being born, and for DS3 ( born at home) he was there but somewhat redundant due to the fantastic homebirth team, who seemed to understand what support I needed without me having to speak.

A woman needs to feel safe and secure for labour, and if she is worrying about her partner rather than concentrating on the business in hand, it is likely to impede progress. If her partner can provide that security, then that's great, but if not, they'd both be better off finding someone else who can.

Must be something desperately wrong with mine & DHs relationship judging by this thread - as long as he was nearby (corridor/hospital café), I wouldn't be offended at all if he didn't want to be in the room during the birth. It's not something I could get remotely angry or upset about.

Batman that would be something you're comfortable with too though - this thread is about women who do want their partners there and they refuse

DH was living in Australia when I was pregnant with our first. I wasn't sure he'd be home in time so had my friend ready to be there. He made it back in time, it was just as well as the baby decided to come within 2 hours and our Dr missed it. We just had a midwife and dh had to hold a leg!

The second time I asked if he'd rather not be there. He said he wanted to be there as support for me and to see our child being born. Just as well, as she was nearly born in the car!

I think it's important that everyone is given a choice, I'd hate to be in labour knowing the other half was hating being there. Although I have a huge fear of blood so can imagine nothing worse than attending someone else's labour.