To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

[ASorcererIsAWizardSquared]

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

What reason could they possibly give that would justify their absence?

Doesn't like blood? Me neither, but I was the one bleeding
Doesn't like seeing someone else in pain? Don't like being in pain but I managed
Doesn't want to see your wife in such an undignified state? Just WTAF!?
Might faint and hurt himself? I think childbirth is slightly higher risk.

I would seriously question my husband/partner if he was not there to support me and to see his child being born. What a selfish attitude.

I have been through one birth alone because I am a single parent, if I were to have another child in a relationship I cannot think of a single excuse I would accept.

Yes, childbirth can be undignified but in that case surely you're better having someone you trust 100% there with you to support you than being there with a load of strangers. If you don't trust your partner 100% then why are you having a baby with them??
My husband had to help me change my pants and go to the toilet in hospital after DD was born because I had drips in due to needing antibiotics and a blood transfusion. But he's an adult and can cope with that and doesn't think any less of me because he saw me in an undignified position. I couldn't have asked anyone else to do that for me. Not even my mum.
I can understand to a certain extent some men physically not bring able to be there due to illness etc but as pp said, the women don't have a choice!

• his wife

kinder oh god no .i am sitting here looking a mess at the moment .but i ment not looking undignified once the mess away placenta out thats what i mean .even the midwife at my first sons birth said to me if he is going to faint he is not coming in .so we were all happy .

If my DH told me he didn't want to be at the birth I would be seriously questioning our relationship.

yes 123 you are so right .

DH wasn't at the birth of our second due to timings, I actually found it rather peaceful with it being just me and the midwives
He did come in handy the other 2 times for removing the G&A tube from me before I knocked someone out with it though...

Dh didn't want to be at the birth, so we paid for a doula to be my birth partner. It worked really well as I had continuous support from someone who knew what she was doing, and dh was able to be in the room or not as he felt he wanted and was there at the actual birth in the end.

Frankly I don't know what have said if dh didn't want to be there.

I think any half decent partner would be there without argument, even if he didn't much fancy it, unless any specific mh issues meant that he genuinely couldn't (extreme health anxiety maybe?)

I wanted my dh there to be my advocate and prepped him for this, as he wouldn't have guessed without me saying (handily that is also his job!) . In fact there was no need for advocacy as nothing went wrong and no one tried to pressure me away from my choices. His main role in the end was entertainment value tbh! I would have been bored without him.

The only benefit of him not being there might have been not having to worry that he would be freaked out when I was tripping on gas and air! But he wasn't actually freaked out.

I agree that this is not a time for men's feelings to be taken into account.

One of the best things my dh has done is never to express any views about childbirth etc. After having the second I ended up asking him. I think had he been giving birth he might have gone for more pain relief and might have expected me to want more of it, but he never expressed a view at the time.

I don't see why a man should be forced to be at the birth I couldn't care less it's a grim experience anyway when you shit out kids.

The one who is giving birth gets to decide who is there. If she wants the father of the baby there then he should be there. If he doesn't want to be then he is a disgrace IMO.

Equally if he wants to be there and she doesn't want him there then tough shit on him, it is up to her.

i just cant get that some people think there relationship would some how be less if there hubby did not attend the birth .surely making someone do something they don,t feel comfortable with is worse .i mean you are not alone you have medical support staff i certainly did,nt think any less of him .i thought he was brave to be honest admiting it and i was more than happy .

DH was there for the stillbirth of our first child and TBH wasn't much support as we had not slept for days and were horribly traumatised knowing the baby had died already.

Second birth was a homebirth and I honestly think he had PTSD. We had other people there as support which was what got me through. DH fainted after the baby was born alive.

Third birth, my mum was my support person and it was much easier for all of us. It was also very special having my mum there. She did tell me to stop swearing at the midwife at one point though ;).

If I had insisted on him being there, he would have done it.

I'm surprised with how many women are ok with this.

Someone I know missed the birth of his twins (or so he thought, but that's another story) because his (now ex) girlfriend was rushed to a hospital a few hours away at 26 weeks-ish. He wasn't able to go with her because he suffers with generalised anxiety disorder and hadn't travelled out of their home town for almost 2 years prior. The sudden nature of the birth and risk to the health of all 3 of his loved-ones made his anxiety even worse. Despite trying to visit girlfriend and the babies for the weeks they were in hospital, he was unable.

Under those circumstances I might come around eventually, but I have no idea how she was so understanding. I would have been utterly heartbroken. I guess he was heartbroken too

Mulligrubs, yes!

Yy aprilanne, if someone is reconsidering a whole relationship because their partner has expressed an opinion them there's something seriously amiss elsewhere IMO.
I gave DH the choice because I respect him as a fellow human being whose feelings I care about. My feelings for him would not has changed one bit had he admitted at the time that he didn't want to see me in pain.
For hundreds of years men didn't go near a labouring woman - are we saying they were all a disgrace? Our grandfathers or fathers perhaps?

The "fainting at the sight of blood" sneers are a bit off.
It's not a sign of weakness, some people do keel over involuntarily. My BIL and nephew being two of them, the younger didn't realise he had this involuntary reaction until he decided to donate blood one day.

I was fine labouring alone, I was actually quite happy with just a midwife there.
DH wanted to be present but he wasn't much use tbh, he irritated me at some points. If he said no to the next birth I'd be ok with that.

i dont get it either april. But then i suppose that for me, i wanted my mum with me more than i wanted DH there.. she's been through it herself twice, and we're very close!

I really don't like this idea that just because you're having a baby that suddenly another persons feelings and emotions become absolutely irrelevant. How is it 'best' for your relationship if you basically end up blackmailing your OH into being there?

I think some posters, including the OP are going a bit too far with worrying about "forcing" a man to do something he "doesn't want to do".

I didn't particularly want two crash sections but, as the baby was lodged in me I didn't have a choice. Similarly, maybe DH didn't particularly want to see me go through two crash sections, but as he wanted children with me, he didn't have a choice.

This isn't like forcing someone to do something against their will that has no benefit for them. He's there to support his partner and witness his child coming into the world. If he doesn't do that, he's a pretty piss poor excuse for a partner in my very humble obviously opinion

Yes, Batman, exactly.

This isn't like forcing someone to do something against their will that has no benefit for them. He's there to support his partner and witness his child coming into the world. If he doesn't do that, he's a pretty piss poor excuse for a partner in my very humble obviously opinion

I agree wholeheartedly with the above!

its surely something you talk about before getting pregnant-even then people are allowed to change their minds

some men want to be there, some men don't.

some women want the man there, some prefer someone else

"i don't want to" is a legitimate reason for the man not wanting to be there.

forcing anyone to do something they don't want to is abuse so better to find out earlier both parents feelings on the subject rather than in the ambulance on the way to hospital

A decent man wouldn't need blackmailing. He would (as most of them do tbf) be able to put his big boy pants on and deal with the fact that it wasn't about him. All DP had to do was look vaguely sympathetic and hand me the Lucozade occasionally. It wasn't much of an ask from my life partner and father of the baby in question.

*Usual exceptions for severe medical issues yadda yadda yadda.

Well if I felt I had to blackmail before he'd be there for me and his child, I wouldn't be with that person anyway. So yes, that situation is an unhealthy one.

If they 'expressed the opinion' that they were a bit anxious about it and didn't cope well with blood - fine, we'd talk. But refusing to be at the birth isn't 'expressing an opinion'.

You partner should be there for you without you needing to be 'on your dignity' - one day one of you might be ill or hurt: would it be ok to 'express the opinion' that you' weren't coming to the hospital, or couldn't look at your partner when he didn't look too hot?

men in the past couldn't and wouldn't have been expected to be at the birth - in some periods, at least. They also wouldn't have been expected to give a child a hug, or take an interest in its emotional well-being - thankfully we have moved on, and a man who wishes we hadn't is a man I think most women would be unhappy in a relationship with.

well sorry batman .if i made my hubby come into a labour ward against his will knowing he did.nt want to that also makes me a very poor excuse for a wife it works both ways .