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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

286 replies

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 11:01

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

OP posts:
Byrdie · 28/07/2015 19:25

mine wasn't there. He waited outside listening to music.

mrsdavidbowie · 28/07/2015 19:28

It was much easier just being with a midwife than with ex h.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 19:28

Yeah I think that is the difference. I don't see it as a neutral thing to put your feelings above your partner's when she is at her most vulnerable.

I feel even more strongly about men who impose themselves on women who don't want them there. At least a woman can ask a replacement birth partner.

Original poster
ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 19:33

but she's not alone is she melli? she has the midwives there, and if a partner expresses early enough that he doesn't want to be, the option of finding someone else.

Quite frankly, having done both of mine without pain relief, while it was nice having company while labouring, during the actual birth itself i dont think i'd have noticed if Robert Downey Jr was in the room!

I had to have an emergency epi with dd as she had shoulder dystocia, i know there was a midwife and consultant there, but i'm told that there was about 5 others in there as well that i dont even remember!

OP posts:
mandi73 · 28/07/2015 19:40

I gave DH the choice, I told him I wanted him there but it was his decision. I used to joke about him having to be there and if I have to give birth then he had to watch but in reality if he hadn't wanted to be there I'd have been ok, in fact i probably would have been more relaxed as he's type 1 diabetic and I kept asking if he'd eaten/checked his sugars etc.
When it actually came to giving birth I honestly couldn't have given a flying fig who was/wasn't there as long as there was a midwife helping that's all I cared about!!!!!!!!!!!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 19:42

Totality - if referring to what I said about it being easier when men where barred, I do not mean that I wish we were back in Victorian times! I'm merely pointing out that it is far easier when everyone knows what their roles are. The whole "partners getting a full show" (no, I do not actually mean literally, I just mean being there for the whole thing), is a very new concept in terms of birthing. Yes, I'm sure it's very useful having someone to lift your drink for you, or try and keep you mind off the pain. Certainly need someone to advocate for you when you cannot speak for yourself. I think it's very easy to confuse "support" and "the father has to be there to see his child being born". They are not mutually exclusive in my opinion.

There are plenty of aspects of pregnancy that are horrible as well - we do not expect partners to be there all the time to deal with the symptoms they help create, do we? Every time a horrid bout of constipation hits, we don't expect them to hold our hands as we sit on the bloody loo for hours on end. Don't expect them to come running home from work because we're throwing up our meals from the last 5 years. Don't expect them to basically piggy back us around because SPD is so bad. We just have to get on with it. Maybe it's less about "needing" the father's support during labour, where in many a case someone else can step in and be possibly more helpful and informative (better at keeping calm!), and more about possibly feeling hurt that they cannot face watching their child making their first entrance into the world. In realist terms though, birth has a different psycological effect on the one giving birth and the other parent who will very likely not understand the pain at all - but sees a partner in pain and cannot actually do one thing to help with that. The only one that can bring that child into the world is the woman, it leaves the man a presence at best, useless at worst but certainly doesn't need to be there to witness the pain and very likely, terrifing mess (again, looks probably worse than it is, but most women are in a totally different place, so don't care either way, men are not in that "zone"). You may think it selfish of a man to opt out, but can we not take a bit of consideration as to why, whether it be genuine fear or other reasons, why they cannot face being part of the labour? Even those who do "suck it up" and are there because the woman has basically begged and told him he has to, needs just the tinest bit of sympathy and understanding in my opinion.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 19:45

I think that women should expect or feel "entitled" to their partners support during labour if they want it. Obviously there will be extreme situations such as phobias where that might not be possible. But surely the default position is that people want to help the people they love when they are suffering.

MamaLazarou · 28/07/2015 19:45

Of course they should not be forced to be there. Can't believe all the posts that have said or implied that it makes the husband less of a man, or reflects on his character in some way.

My husband was there at DS's birth, but we are TTC and have discussed it and decided that it's best if he's not my birth partner with #2. He tries his hardest but just doesn't make a good birth partner but I know I will be more comfortable if he's there in the background, co-ordinating snacks, making sure DS is OK, notifying relatives, etc. I will know he is there when I need him.

He proved his worth in many other ways: did all the housework, at least half of the night wakings and once held an ice pack onto my Episiotomy wound for 90 minutes so I could nap! Blush

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 19:50

The difference is that you agree that you don't want him there Mama. He's agreeing to do what makes you most comfortable.
The OP is talking about men whose partners do want them at the birth but they don't want to.

Biggles398 · 28/07/2015 19:50

My partner was desperate to be there. I wasn't bothered if he was or not (he would probably say the wrong thing, and I'd end up hating him, or he'd not do what I was [telepathically] wanting him to.) If he hadn't been there, I had no back up, so it would have just been me and the midwives, but I honestly wouldn't have minded that!! As it was, I had no labour, and just a c-section under local, so he WAS there, but couldn't even get the sex right when the dr asked him if he wanted to tell me what 'it' was (was a girl...)

DesertIslander · 28/07/2015 19:50

MamaLazarou I cannot believe there are women who think it's okay for their partner to choose not to be there during the birth of their child.
This is AIBU?, of course there will be people on both sides of the fence Smile

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 19:50

But Mama you are talking about a situation where you mutually agree you don't want him there. Most of the posts are about a scenario where the woman does want him there.

Andrewofgg · 28/07/2015 19:51

As the younger of two and the father of an only the thought of who looks after DC1 while DC2 arrives in the world had not - I'm a bit embarrassed to say - occurred to me. I can imagine households where that might be a more useful thing for the father to be doing.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 19:52

Agreed Andrew - that's a mutual decision about what's best for the family.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 19:52

Have you given birth MrsGB?

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 19:55

Poster - the implication from her first post was not yet. Why?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 19:57

Why do you ask, Poster? Because if you're itching to use the line "you don't know until you've been there", I'm not getting into that debate.

MamaLazarou · 28/07/2015 19:59

Yes, sorry, I can see that my post was a bit "Everyone should just be more like ME!".

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 20:03

The way you describe birth doesn't match up to my reality.

Its in a slightly different league to constipation, there are very valid reasons why a person might want their partner there.

But mainly because I don't want to bang on about my near death experience and traumatic labour to a ftm-to-be because at the end of the day I don't care that much about this issue.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 20:03

I can understand your feelings mama. In my first birth I desperately needed DH to be there. For the next two, he wanted to be and I was happy he did. But if practicalities got in the way I would have been ok without him. I am not for one second suggesting fathers should always be present. Just that being asked for help and refusing is , well, pretty off.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 20:04

Libraries I knew from that she was pregnant but not if this was her first or not.

NotGoingOut17 · 28/07/2015 20:05

Sometimes in life you have to step up and do things that aren't pleasant because someone else needs your support - and this is one of those occasions in my opinion. I say this as someone who probably wouldn't want a DP there but would like the option.

I accept there may be some very rare occasions when a man has such a severe phobia that would mean it would be very dangerous to their health to attend, but I don't think "i might find it too gory or distressing" is a good enough reason to not attend if their partner asked for them to be and as for "I don't like seeing you in pain" - that is such a cop out, the pain is still there - I would like to think my DP would appreciate that I don't like to be in pain, and that given that I am going to be in pain that it would be better to have his support than not.

I don't blame a man for being honest about their feelings, I don't want to watch a birth either but I agree with the poster who said that if someone in pain needed me, stranger or partner, I would like to think (serious issues aside) I would be able to put my own feelings aside. Although if a man has very strong feelings on the matter then I don't think forcing him to attend would achieve anything but I wouldn't blame a woman for being disappointed.

I haven't had children yet so can't relate to the situation, the only thing i can think of that is remotely similar is when I watched a relative die. It was very distressing and i saw things that I have since tried very hard to block out and which I have had many sleepless nights over and at the time, I sure as hell wanted to be anywhere else but I stayed with them because I knew that regardless of how upsetting I found the situation, they needed me to be there. I appreciate that women have the medical support but if they want their partner to support them then I would think less of a man who didn't at least give it a go in an aim to offer that support and to see how they coped in reality.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 28/07/2015 20:07

Oh, and following on from Poster. If something shitty happened to me I sure as hell wanted someone following the baby to NICU or cuddling the healthy baby or whatever.

A friend had her husband accidentally miss the birth and having no one there to hold her baby girl whilst her retained placenta and blood loss was dealt with still upsets her 2 years later.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 20:14

Poster, of course every birth is different and I'm sorry it got so serious for you. I was being far more general in my statement. Birth is very different for men and women, I don't see how that can be denied. I'm just trying to find some level of sympathy for the partners who feel they cannot be there for it - whether they 'man up' and get on with it, or not and the woman has to find other support.

And no, I have not given birth, or not in the full term sense. I have lost, but obviously that experience isn't comparative as the expected outcome is very different. I'm sure you can understand, there is a lot of emotion and physical pain in both scenarios, and in that moment its very different for both people.

loveandsmiles · 28/07/2015 20:19

I am due DC6 next week and I have had no one at any of the births.

My DH is from the Middle East and there is a cultural element to him not being there. Also, I personally did not want him to see me in labour - I had 2 natural births, one emergency section, 2 elective sections with another elective booked for next week. I just want to 'get it over with' , having professionals who know what they are doing is what works best for me. In addition we have no other family support so since DC1 he has to look after other DC.

It works for us but I appreciate its not for everyone.