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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

286 replies

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 11:01

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/07/2015 21:34

No, i think it being a deal breaker is the issue. If he cant, due to culture, or phobias, or even if he didnt want too ... it doesnt make him less of a man or less of a partner or less of a father. Only in recent history is it a woman right to have her man there. I wouldnt hold it against any man for making his choice, and it is a choice.

PiperChapstick · 29/07/2015 22:24

Sally I disagree not being there for his own choices rather than his partners does make him less of a partner.

And I'm gonna flip Mrs argument in its head a little - if a man, or woman, is having a mental breakdown for example and their partner decided it wasn't something they wanted to see, they'd be useless and it's one for someone else to deal with - is that acceptable? Because it's literally no different than refusing to support when a woman gives birth.

I understand re phobias but I do think some effort should be put in to overcoming that prior to the birth. If it doesn't work then not much anyone could do but at least an attempt was made. And sorry but culture changes all the time and I think there are some instances where culture should be put aside and people should think for themselves and give consideration to the woman they love involved

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 29/07/2015 22:29

What's this obsession with 'less of a man'. We aren't talking about a test of manliness. I'm confused why people keep bringing that up.

But I'm with Piper. If my husband refused to support me when I needed it. Not because he couldn't (e.g. phobia), but because he wouldn't, then I would think a lot less of him.

He'd think a lot less of me if I did the reverse.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 29/07/2015 22:30

Sorry, that last sentence should say "if the situation were reversed"

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/07/2015 22:48

So you all volunteered to watch you man have the snip then? Held his hand, fetched him water, rang the family afterwards? Do they have the right to force you to be there and watch?

PosterEh · 29/07/2015 22:59

He wouldn't have to force me Sally. I'd want to support him if he felt it would help.

PosterEh · 29/07/2015 23:00

If my partner was having any operation I'd have thought holding his hand and getting him a glass of water Shock would be the least I could do.

Samcro · 29/07/2015 23:05

i didn't want to be at the birth.

PiperChapstick · 29/07/2015 23:05

What's this obsession with 'less of a man'. We aren't talking about a test of manliness. I'm confused why people keep bringing that up.

Agreed

So you all volunteered to watch you man have the snip then? Held his hand, fetched him water, rang the family afterwards? Do they have the right to force you to be there and watch?

Yes of course. Like Poster says I'd be there through any significant medical procedure for him. Except it's absolutely not comparable to giving birth as having the snip doesn't involve pushing a person out your own body, is not nearly as dangerous or painful either

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/07/2015 23:06

So you would sit in and watch then?

PosterEh · 29/07/2015 23:19

I would sit in with him and give him my support. Not sure what the relevance is of watching it. Nobody is suggesting the father has to watch specifically, just be present and supportive.

PosterEh · 29/07/2015 23:20

I would watch if he really thought it was important though and it made a significance difference to his happiness.

grannytomine · 29/07/2015 23:22

One of mine was born on New Years Day, the woman in the next room gave birth with her husband passed out drunk on a second bed the midwives had brought in. Hey, at least he was there. I can't think of anything more annoying than listening to a drunken man snoring when you are trying to get on with the business of giving birth. For some reason the midwives thought they should go the extra mile to make sure he was there. They were very unsupportive of my desire for husband to go home and have a rest and leave me to get on.

PosterEh · 29/07/2015 23:22

Especially if he was only being offered a couple of paracetamol and gas and air as pain relief.

grannytomine · 29/07/2015 23:32

There always seems to be alot of emphasis on pain. Am I the only person who has ever given birth without any pain or pain relief? Not every time, the time I had forceps I had alot of pain, but I have certainly had a painfree delivery.

iniquity · 30/07/2015 07:27

If I had a husband that didn't want to be there I would say fine stay at home...
But he would be the very last person to hear about the birth or meet the newborn.
And I would request the hospital not to let him in to see me after.

StarlingMurmuration · 30/07/2015 08:29

granny, you mean your contractions weren't painful? Mine were seriously the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, and gas and air couldn't even touch them.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 30/07/2015 08:55

So you all volunteered to watch you man have the snip then? Held his hand, fetched him water, rang the family afterwards? Do they have the right to force you to be there and watch?

I said back on Tuesday that, if my husband is having a medical procedure and wants me there to support him, it makes me a total arse if I put my desire not to be there above the fact that the person I love is asking me to support him whilst he goes through something tough.

Even more so than my surgery example as presumably a vasectomy would be for joint benefit.

Obviously here I am talking about a partner who really wants you there, a situation where it is physically possible, and not about phobias etc.

noeffingidea · 30/07/2015 09:05

granny a very small number of women don't have painful contractions. I knew a woman like this. She had to put her hand on her abdomen to know when she was contracting.
Consider yourself lucky, is all I can say !

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 30/07/2015 09:11

Would I make DH be there if I have DC2? No.

Would I seriously lose respect for him if he decided not to be there? Yes.

I didn't particularly want to be there either, but sometimes life sends you events that challenge you to do things you think you're unable to cope with, and you do cope because you have to. I managed to get through an entire pregnancy, which I hated and birth, which was hands down the most painful and physically / mentally / emotionally challenging thing I've ever done, by many orders of magnitude. Relative to that, it's not really a big imposition to ask DH to be by my side for emotional support, is it?

And as I have no family or other support available in the UK for that kind of monumental and very private event, and I was definitely not giving birth with only HCPs there, he had to be there.

Does that mean I think every man should be at every birth? I don't really care to be honest, different people approach life in different ways. I have some views on the nature of a man who "couldn't cope" with it but those are not the type of men I would ever choose to be in a relationship with so it's not relevant really.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 30/07/2015 09:12

I dont care if a man is there or not there, its their choice, if they want to want h the action, the nurses and doctors are doing the real support, the hard work starts when the baby arrives, I would be more worried id Dad didnt help out with the baby, than if he was at the birth. But to divorce because he didnt support meeeee at the hospital is entitled. And what about all the single ladies who dont want their MAN there?? ...

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 30/07/2015 09:13

granny are you suggesting that other women are lying when they say labour is painful?

PosterEh · 30/07/2015 09:14

It's "entitled" to expect support from your partner during labour and birth? Fuck me some people have low expectations.

PosterEh · 30/07/2015 09:15

Also, not everyone's partner is a man Sally.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 30/07/2015 09:19

Yes there are female partners, still wouldnt expect a divorce if they werent there for meee.