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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

286 replies

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 11:01

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

OP posts:

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 13:20

Depends MrsG, does he think his right to avoid looking at something "horrid", mean you have to be totally fine with him avoiding supporting you actually going through that same "horrid" thing, if you really wanted him there?

SaucyJack · 28/07/2015 13:23

Saying it doesn't make him an arse.

Actually doing it on the other hand.....

Childbirth isn't intended as a fun day out. Pissing off down the pub and leaving your wife to it because you don't like the look of it isn't really good enough. It's not what a decent person would do.

mellicauli · 28/07/2015 13:25

The people who have "forced" their partners sound really scared. And childbirth is scary - you could die, you could be injured for life, you will certainly be in pain. And of course men don't particularly want to be there. No one wants to be there. But I wouldn't want a stranger in the street to go through childbirth alone, let alone my chosen life partner!

The reason why these women want to force their partners is by not even trying, their partners have just shown that they don't really love them. (Very different if the woman is OK to have a different birth partner, of course).

helenahandbag · 28/07/2015 13:27

DP and I aren't planning on having any kids but he did comment once while watching One Born Every Minute that he wouldn't want to be there. That did make me feel a bit shit.

He's really queasy when it comes to medical stuff, he's terrified of needles and blood. I do understand why he wouldn't want to be there but I don't think I'd be happy about it.

Floralnomad · 28/07/2015 13:28

I have been married for 26 year to the best man in the world ,he is also a wonderful father , he was present at the birth of our first dc - he threw up several times and passed out in the corridor . When we had our 2nd ,we had an ELCS and he waited outside and they took the baby straight out to him after the delivery ( I was busy vomitting) - it doesn't make him less of a father and we were both happy with the decision .

RitaKiaOra · 28/07/2015 13:29

Takes two to trouser tango.
As it happens DH was at 2/3 births as last one he was looking after the kids.
No big surprise, the third was his "best birth ever" ha fucking ha. still not laughing
Person in hospital has rights to choose visitors/support whatever the procedure where choice is possible and I would expect a partner, whatever gender, to step up. If that makes me unfair, fine.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 13:31

I think a partner has an absolute right to chose. It's very easy to become overly emotional about childbirth, that despite everything your bringing new life, its all so beautiful, blah blah blah. But it's not, you can still think it's all wonderful and beautiful after the labour bit, being forced to sit through the nasty stuff is not going to enhance the experience at all. I'd rather (in general) someone who would truly want to support me in the room, rather than a partner who'd rather be anywhere else. I don't think I'm a special flower who thinks I'm 'owed' their presence, and the child won't blooming well remember anything. To be honest, I think during the last stages of labour, having a partner there is nothing but a pain, they really couldn't be more useless. I don't need anyone rubbing my sodding back, telling me to breath, and reminding me I'm brilliant. Sounds extremely annoying to me. But, we're all different I guess!

RitaKiaOra · 28/07/2015 13:34

Ooh and I thought I wasn't squeamish about blood until I nearly keeled over when one of my pupils was having stitches. But I was loco parentis and was there to hold her hand and of course, would do it again but maybe look at the floor Yes, I had a duty of care professionally but in my personal life, I would also feel a duty of care to my partner who is not going to be the one thinking he is going to die or be torn in two whichever is bloody quicker shoot me now why don't you

RitaKiaOra · 28/07/2015 13:37

Mrs Gently, you're a more generous woman than I. I do hope you have someone to advocate for you though, and it is not your first.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 13:44

Actually Rita, I'm a selfish arse who truly cannot stand being fussed over when in pain. When I miscarried last year, I locked myself away in our room for two days and wouldn't let my poor partner near me when I was in agony. He needed support as well, and he absolutely hated not being able to help, but I just needed to get it over with. My partner would 'get a grip' no questions asked about 'being there for me', even though he's scared, squeamish and hates seeing me in pain. But I'd never, ever expect it of him, and if he genuinely felt he couldn't do it, I wouldn't resent him over it.

HazleNutt · 28/07/2015 13:44

if your partner does not want to be there and you don't want to be there then there's no problem is there?

But I think most people are talking about a situation where the woman wants her partner there, but he does not want to be. And in my opinion in such case, as she is going through this painful, intense, often scary and potentially dangerous experience, her wishes should be more important than his.

toomuchtooold · 28/07/2015 13:58

I don't think I have all that much sympathy tbh. Early parenthood consists almost entirely of experiencing negative things (sleep deprivation, tantrums, unspeakable messes on the floor, answering the question "why" 400000 times a day) and getting on with it anyway. I would not have much faith that a partner who swerved the birth on the basis that it was a bit scary would be much use in looking after the baby once it arrived.

CakeForBreakfast · 28/07/2015 14:35

Before the birth of our first child, dh argued and argued for not being present. He didn't want to see that. We did not see each others point.

First Birth: DH actually present, but hated it and said he tried to leave when it got gory but had been penned in by equipment and medical staff, he said the staffs feet were splashing about in my blood all over the floor. wasn't a fucking picnic for me either having an episiotomy and forceps delivery without local

Second Birth - hired a doula, dh in and out the room, out of the room during actual birth

Third Birth - planned cs with twins, he was present but made sure doctors knew not to let him see anything.

I understand he is squeamish and sensitive to all that and I also know how much he loves me and our family but even after 8 years, the bitter taste remains that when I was in pain he put his needs first.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 28/07/2015 14:59

I hate blood, gore, seeing people in pain - but when people need me there for support, whether they are an immediate family member or a stranger in the street, I realise that my needs are less important than their needs.

If DP didn't feel the same way about me giving birth it would irrevocably change my perception of him - it wouldn't be a case of me punishing him for it, I don't think I'd ever get over the self centred choice of putting his wishes above my needs.

HappilyMarriedExpat · 28/07/2015 15:11

I seem to be in the minority here but I would emphatically prefer it if DH was not there. I would rather concentrate on the task at hand alone and get it over with rather than worry about whether he is about to faint or whatever. It's still going to hurt like a total bastard even if Brad Pitt himself catches the afterbirth - think I would rather DH was down the pub buying everyone cigars and whisky and getting drunk

It's not so long ago that DH's were all sent away with a flea in their ear by Matron - babies still got born, women coped, DC's bonded with their fathers.... Totally personal choice I reckon.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 15:15

I think it's a personal choice to and there is a reasonable chance that if we had another DH might have to stay at home with our existing DC.
But OP is talking about men whose partners want them there for support. So whose personal choice takes priority?

BumpTheElephant · 28/07/2015 15:16

Well in both times I gave birth it was either DH or nobody. I'd have considered him a massive twat if he let me go through that alone.
I found labour extremely traumatic and needed someone I knew with me.
DH wanted to be there and wouldn't have missed it.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/07/2015 15:18

DH wasn't exactly enthusiastic about being there, and certainly didn't want to get hands on like cutting the cord. If he had really really not wanted to be there, I wouldn't have forced him to be there. I don't see why you would?

BumpTheElephant · 28/07/2015 15:21

I also think it helps in them being understanding/supportive post birth if they have seen exactly what you went through. I don't think men should be shielded from the reality of childbirth.
I found pregnancy hard and labour extremely difficult but I had to go through that in order to have children. I don't think men should get to opt out of the shit bits and only do the nice bits.
If a women does want the baby's father there then that is different of course. It is up to the person in labour who they have with them.

BumpTheElephant · 28/07/2015 15:23

Sorry I meant doesn't

ApocalypseThen · 28/07/2015 15:36

I'm astonished by the number of men who are severely traumatized by hospitals, blood, needles and who faint at the sight of a syringe. I've never met a single one with such a severe phobia to date and I would have assumed that you would seek help for such a debilitating fear - these things come to us all in life, generally we all must see blood, needles and hospitals at various times.

RoboticSealpup · 28/07/2015 15:39

If there's ever a situation in life in which I don't give a shit about men's feelings, it's childbirth.

I second that, 100%. What a strange thing to be concerned about! Who cares if some guy gets "forced" to support his wife when she is giving birth to his child - I feel more sorry for any woman who has such a selfish and useless partner.

Crownjewel · 28/07/2015 16:06

Speaking as someone whose DP said he didn't want to be at the birth, and who managed to talk him into being there after all... I honestly wish I'd just said "fine, don't be there" and asked my mum/friend/whoever to be my birth partner instead. He was utterly fucking useless throughout - took me to the wrong maternity unit because he couldn't be arsed to wait for my midwife to arrive at the one I'd booked, left me completely alone during midwives' shift change in the pushing stage while he drove 30mins home to have some dinner and a rest (thankfully my lovely midwife did phone him up and bollock him into coming back sharpish), cracked "funny" comments about poo in the birthing pool, cut the cord and insisted on being the first to hold DS, then 5 minutes later went and stood outside smoking and chatting on the phone for half an hour, stayed to watch me being stitched up and cracked some more "funny" comments about the midwife's needlework skills, then fucked off home again leaving me alone with newborn DS on my lap, desperate for the toilet (my bladder had been obstructed during labour), a knackered back, gaping holes in my fanjo, numb legs, and the call button just out of reach

He certainly won't be at the next one, whether he wants to be there or not.

Crownjewel · 28/07/2015 16:07

Sorry - that turned into a bit of a rant didn't it

noeffingidea · 28/07/2015 16:13

My ex husband was present at all my births (3), though I suspect he didn't really want to be. I think he felt it was expected though, and just went along with it. He didn't faint though.
On reflection though, if I was giving birth now, I would choose to do it with just the midwife present. I didn't need a 'birth partner', it just seems to be expected nowadays.
I can still remember my exhusband seeing me shit on the bed, and being 'persuaded' by the midwife to see the head crown, after we had previously agreed between us that he would stay at the head of the bed. That still bugs me, 26 years later.

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