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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

286 replies

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 11:01

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

OP posts:
Idontseeanydragons · 28/07/2015 11:52

A decent woman would at least take her partners feelings and considerations into account rather than dismiss him as a disgrace to humankind though.

Tenieht · 28/07/2015 11:52

Totally agree. If the man doesn't want to it's totally fine with me. Some women are way to sensitive and precious about birth - it's a big deal but no need for a huge audience. I'd bet most of our fathers didn't attend our own births.

araiba · 28/07/2015 11:53

Mulligrubs " The one who is giving birth gets to decide who is there. If she wants the father of the baby there then he should be there. If he doesn't want to be then he is a disgrace IMO.

Equally if he wants to be there and she doesn't want him there then tough shit on him, it is up to her."

That is so wrong imho

Original poster
ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 11:54

Saucy, thats why i said 'really really' doesn't want to be there.

I don't think most people really WANT to be, so i dont think 'i dont fancy it' qualifies as 'really really' not wanting to be there iyswim?

I would expect to have a chat about it (like Dh & I did) so they could properly voice their opinion on it.. some of the people and posters on here seem to have a very 'i dont care what you think/feel you will be there OR ELSE' and thats what i feel is wrong.

I think men who just dont fancy it, should indeed just suck it up and get on with it, even if they dont peek down the business end and just hold a hand and provide water..etc, but if they have a genuine reason for not wanting to be in there, they have a right not to be bullied into it.

OP posts:
Becauseicannes · 28/07/2015 11:54

what man wouldn't want to be there?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/07/2015 11:55

Well what are these 'feelings and considerations' we might be taking into account? Perhaps it would help if someone explained, preferably without mention of 'shit smeared' vaginas?

It's not about wanting an audience - I'd just lose a lot of respect for a man who didn't want to be there to see his child born, rather than seeing his partner giving birth.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 11:55

They shouldn't have to force them to be there. They should want to be there to support their partners going through something that will almost certainly be painful and is potentially life threatening.
I'd be reconsidering a relationship with someone who couldn't put their feelings aside to support me during labour.
But fortunately I can't imagine my DH ever doing that.

ahbollocks · 28/07/2015 11:56

My dh fainted both when my spinal block went in and when he accidentally saw behind the screeb for my crash section.
For him to be there was so important. Dd spent her first 45 minutes of life down his scrubs top being kept warm while the surgeons tried to put me back together.
It made me love him more tbh

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/07/2015 11:57

posters on here seem to have a very 'i dont care what you think/feel you will be there OR ELSE' and thats what i feel is wrong

No - I'd be interested to know what these thoughts and feelings actually are, but it's not about saying 'you will be there': rather, if a man has these thoughts and feelings so strongly that they're enough to make him avoid such a moment, I wouldn't want him there or, probably, anywhere else.

Betcha lots of these men also 'can't cope' with pooey nappies!

Tenieht · 28/07/2015 11:59

There's dignity to think of too. Do I really want my partner looking up my ripped fanny- no wonder so many men lose interest in sex after partners give birth, it's like something out of alien to many men and quite traumatic. Some things are best kept private .

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/07/2015 12:01

They won't be looking at your 'ripped fanny' - they'll be looking at their baby. What sort of man can't separate birth from sex? Do they also need to be protected from breast feeding, in case 'hubby' starts seeing your 'girls' in the wrong light and can't get turned on by them again?

TheRealAmyLee · 28/07/2015 12:02

Personally I wouldn't force DH to be there. I didn't want to be there! I would have found someone else if needed. As long as there was a decent reason and we discussed it properly before the choice was made it would upset me but not be a dealbreaker.

DesertIslander · 28/07/2015 12:03

Tenieht, your posts are quite baffling. Are you a man?

Looking up her ripped fanny? Nobody but the surgeon does that, and I think they're looking at it rather than up it.

If I were the partner, male or female, of a woman giving birth I would be so overwhelmed with love and pride that I would not consider how I might be put off sexually.

aprilanne · 28/07/2015 12:03

i suppose the feelings that my hubby is entitled to make up his own mind whether he actually wanted to be there .did he want to see them cutting me with scissors screaming my bloody head off
.did he want to see the blood and whatever else .probably not because the children found him out cold on the garage floor .after fainting because he cut his finger .he ran about like a headless chicken when i injured my leg and ended up in hospital .he is no good in these situations .and i would have been more streesed with him there .and to be honest i didnt want him there i liked it was me and my baby together for the first little while .

StUmbrageinSkelt · 28/07/2015 12:04

My DH did his share of pooey nappies, and since one of ours has bowel issues, he does pooey stuff that would turn your stomach. He does the cathing and done so for about a decade as I just really don't fancy it and only do it when forced to.

Look if a partner said to me, nah, hun, don't fancy that, I'd not be thrilled but it's not as simple as the man being a POS if being at the birth is hard for him.

Idontseeanydragons · 28/07/2015 12:05

Ok.
DH in a way was actually much more experienced than I was wrt labour because he's a farmer son and has helped through the years with many, many births. He was under no illusion that it would be some magical experience, a birthing cow feels pain, needs intervention (hell, he had been the intervention on more than one occasion!) and he has seen more than one birth not end well. Seeing his wife in a similar situation was not at the top of his to do list.
He really really didn't want to be at the birth with me, I knew that and gave him the choice. I gave not a thought to anyone else's opinions on 'real men' being there, it was his feelings that mattered to me because I don't go along with the whole 'you have a right to call the shots because you're pregnant' bollocks that is so fashionable.
That's why I wouldn't have minded if he had said no.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/07/2015 12:06

If a man feels anxious or worried - fine. Let him talk about that.

If he's not prepared to work through that, and can't see that being there to see his own baby being born is more important than his feelings, or whether he's going to get all confused about vaginas, then I do think he's a fairly pointless specimen.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/07/2015 12:09

Only a real man attends the birth? Really? Maybe having expressed their wish not too, and being forced to be there or else, you could have your thumb print surgically removed?

MarchLikeAnAnt · 28/07/2015 12:10

My baby almost died during labour, I was 2 mins away from an emergency c-section. I would look down an any man not willing to be by his partners side whilst she is going through such an unpredictable and potentially deadly event.

NotSayingImBatman · 28/07/2015 12:12

Okay april, let's suppose your DH lands himself in hospital severely unwell. Would you find it acceptable to say 'sorry sunshine, I don't like hospitals, I'd be worried I'd faint, I'll see you later when you look halfway decent'?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/07/2015 12:15

Maybe having expressed their wish not too, and being forced to be there or else, you could have your thumb print surgically removed?

This sentence is very difficult to follow due to expression - but I'm not sure which post you are referring to, because I haven't seen anyone say they would 'force him to be there or else'?

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 28/07/2015 12:19

"There's dignity to think of too. Do I really want my partner looking up my ripped fanny- no wonder so many men lose interest in sex after partners give birth, it's like something out of alien to many men and quite traumatic. Some things are best kept private ."

WTF? Have you given birth?

I have. Twice. Both times DH was there. Both times we discussed it in advance and he decided he didn't want to cut the umbilical cord. He stayed at the head-end of the bed and was there for me. He didn't look at my "ripped fanny" Hmm he helped me during the labour.

It isn't alien at all. it's totally natural. I think having fathers present at the birth is a good way to show it isn't "alien".

My first birth was more traumatic for DH than for me as he was aware that there was a problem with DS1 (he overheard the midwives) - I was zoned out at that stage. Plus he heard the episiotomy (a huge "crack" apparently) which certainly marked him.

The second birth was more traumatic for me than for DH and I was very glad to have someone I could "debrief" it with later. And that he understood everything that happened in the following days because he had been through it with me.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 12:24

My partner is not 100% for being there when I'm in full blown labour, and my goodness I don't blame him. He says he's going to try, but if he needs to walk out that's fine by me. Not like he's going to walk out and never come back! My only concern about given birth is that my child and I are as safe as possible with our health and well-being the utmost importance. Nothing else matters, we will hopefully have a lifetime as a family, the few (painful) hours of labour are a minuscule part if that. I don't believe it's a reflection on a man if he cannot deal with seeing his loved one in such agony, the blood, body fluids, medical procedures. As for people saying "but you'd be there for them' - giving birth is a unique medical situation. If a man was bleeding, screaming and needing medical attention, chances are their partner would be kept out of the room until he had been stabilised. There is no real comparison that I can think of.

lilacblossomtime · 28/07/2015 12:25

My Dh says seeing our dd being born was one of the scariest and happiest days of his life. He was the first to hold her as I had to have an emergency CS and was very ill after.

differentnameforthis · 28/07/2015 12:27

Dh didn't want to be at the birth of dd2 (dd1 he didn't have a choice, I was a crash section) because he would have been useless & possible pass out.

My consultant said they would prefer not to have a reluctant man/partner in the room as if they do pass out, the team are obliged to tend to him & that tales resources away from the mother & baby, resources they can't spare!

So I don't think if anyone wants to ask "serious questions" or is thinking about "fairness" or thinks he isn't someone to "have a baby with" ... at that moment in time I needed the full attention of the delivery team on ME & my baby, not my passed out dh in the corner.

Besides which, just because a man is in the delivery room with you, doesn't make him father/partner of the year!

What a selfish attitude. But is isn't selfish to force him to attend?

How would knowing that her partner is there under duress give any type of support to a labouring How would knowing that her partner is there under duress give any type of support to a labouring woman? Exactly. I would be worried about dh if he was in the delivery room with me, how is that helpful?

This thread is odd... can you imagine a man ever saying he would force/expect a woman to attend something she didn't want to? I can't think of anything comparable to childbirth, but on here, if a man so much as tried to force a woman to go to a football match, he would be called all sorts.

And yes, I do realise a birth & a football match are completely different.

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