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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its unfair to force the dad to be at the birth?

286 replies

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 28/07/2015 11:01

Just hear me out :)

We've all heard the view that if they were there for the conception and should be for the birth, but if they (for whatever reason) really, really didn't want to be in the room during the birth, is it fair to force them to be?

DH was at both of mine, but i gave him that choice as i had my mum as my primary birth partner, if he hadn't wanted to be, i'd have been a little disappointed, but i'd have never FORCED him to be there.

I think birth should be as positive and calming and stress free as possible, and having someone in the room who really doesn't want to be there doesn't sit right with me.

I've spoken to a couple of people who've said if their Dh's/BFs had refused they'd have ended the relationship, but i think that's borderline abusive.

If you DIDN'T want them there, and they wanted to be, there would be uproar at them trying to force, bully and blackmail their will on the situation, so why is it ok in some womens' eyes for them to do the same to them?

OP posts:
Phineyj · 28/07/2015 12:27

I didn't want DH at the birth because I knew he'd find it upsetting and because my DSis had confided that she would have preferred her DH not there, all things considered. He was there (he wanted to be) but I got the support from the midwives. You are having a baby, not just a birth - it is really helpful afterwards if one of you has had some sleep -- especially if you are kept awake every night by adrenalin/crying babies/snoring/pain/bright lights/hospital staff loudly discussing their holidays! The 4 days and 3 nights on the ward was when I needed the support, not during the birth. DH was very useful at filling birthing pool, making tea for the midwives and driving me to hospital for the emergency transfer when they couldn't find an ambulance. Also looking after me on the ward, as no-one else did, really.

I hate it when people make out men are wusses if they don't want to attend and I am sure some men do get PTSD. I suspect my BIL did. I just saw it as something to get through. Not magical.

Taytocrisps · 28/07/2015 12:28

We had this conversation recently in my family. We were all born at a time when it was unheard of for the father to attend the birth. My Dad said he's really glad that was the case as, "I couldn't have watched your Mam go through all that pain and suffering". It made me look at it in a different light.

ScorpioMermaid · 28/07/2015 12:28

When we had our first i was NC with my family and only 17. my oh (now my dh) was crap with the sight of blood and fainted at my first cmw appointment when I had my blood taken Grin Grin he said he wanted to be there for the birth and was brilliant. he had to leave the room for my epidural too. Once baby was there he was fine but stayed up by my head as I had to have stitches. After the first baby he was fine but I wouldn't have forced him to be there.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 12:30

If my DH was bleeding, screaming and needing medical attention I would want to be as close as they would allow me. I can't imagine leaving someone in distress and pain if I thought they would benefit from my presence - not even a stranger, much less my partner. Excepting extreme reasons (mental/medical), I think it's utterly selfish.

CatMilkMan · 28/07/2015 12:31

DP isn't even pregnant yet but I'm already worried about how I will be when she gives birth.

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2015 12:33

""what man wouldn't want to be there?"

My DH didn't and I was very matter-of-fact, about giving birth, thanks to my female influences, so went with that.

I was alone (except for the MW) when I had my first and my last.

My DH came the hospital with me, but stepped outside for the pushing bit on my second and I asked him to go home, after he had an hour with our DD, I was exhausted and needed to sleep.

He was a excellent father and DH for 22 years, until I was Widowed.

This is a new (in my lifetime) cultural norm, but couples can still decide what suits them.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 12:35

I agree, I wouldn't force a reluctant partner to stay with me because what help would that do but I would be massively disappointed in him/her not being able to put my needs first, as the person actually in labour. Same as I would if they were in pain and needed me.
DH did find my second birth traumatic (I lost consciousness and he thought id died as midwife panicked) but wild horses wouldn't keep him away if we have a third.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 12:38

Isn't it just as selfish to expect someone who really doesn't want to be there, to just get a grip and get on with it?

As a reverse, what if the wiman doesn't deal well at all with too many people around when in severe pain/ill, and has asked any none-medical people to keep away, including the father. Is that selfish? Even if he wants to be there more than anything? Or because it's the woman 'doing all the hard work', in that case she can chose to keep her partner away and not be considered selfish at all?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 12:39

Woman, not wiman obviously.

Idontseeanydragons · 28/07/2015 12:40

Mrs according to some posters further up that is also a choice only the woman can make - the partner has to suck it up either way it would seem.

HazleNutt · 28/07/2015 12:41

so it's selfish and unfair to force someone (the man) to do something he doesn't want to (be there).

What if the woman does not want to give birth without her partner there? Why should his wishes prevail? Isn't he the selfish one, forcing the woman to give birth without her partner?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/07/2015 12:42

Mrs according to some posters further up that is also a choice only the woman can make - the partner has to suck it up either way it would seem

Which ones? Where?

LokiBear · 28/07/2015 12:42

As long as the two people in the relationship are happy with the arrangement it doesn't matter. My DH was wonderful at the birth of our dd. He was supportive and helpful and it was brilliant. He dressed our daughter whilst I was being cleaned up and it was the most wonderful bonding experience. I would never have asked him not to be there but I wouldn't force him either. I would have been disappointed, but I would have respected his decision. I feel sorry for men who don't get a choice either way. Being in a relationship means being a team, both partners feelings need to be considered and respected.

SaucyJack · 28/07/2015 12:43

No, I don't think it's selfish to want your partner to step up and support you during what will be quite possibly the most painful and emotionally intense time of their life.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say I feel sorry for any woman who doesn't feel able to ask it of their partner.

PosterEh · 28/07/2015 12:46

I think that's different, MrsG because the father isn't giving birth, his "needs" at the birth are secondary.
Same as if we're talking about any other medical procedure. The person going through it calls the shots.

MegMogandOwlToo · 28/07/2015 12:49

I would have a very low opinion of a man who wouldn't support his partner at the birth of their child.

My husband has heart problems and faints at the sight of blood but was there for the birth of our child a few years ago. If he can, I'm pretty sure "being squeamish" isn't an excuse.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 12:49

I can understand to a point, that a woman thinks 'we both made the kid, you can stick out the most horrid bit of pregnancy with me'. But, I think most loving couples would understand the partner just not being able to cope with it all. That's not selfish. We as women cannot help we have to do the worst part, its what we accept when we get pregnant. I wouldn't force anyone into that endgame with me, the baby is coming out regardless of if my partner is there. Can't have everything our own way, if women get a choice, so do men.

Idontseeanydragons · 28/07/2015 12:50

TheOtiginalSteamingNiy
Mullirubs at 11.36. Apologies, only one poster expressed this opinion as far as I can see.
Which is still pretty shit IMO.

SaucyJack · 28/07/2015 12:51

Women don't get a choice whether to be at the birth or not......

(Or if we do, no one fucking told me about it Wink)

Idontseeanydragons · 28/07/2015 12:51

Nit, sorry.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 12:53

Most women, in this context anyway, would have chosen to get pregnant with said partner. Pregnancy only ends in one way, so yes, as women we know we can't opt out. Doesn't mean the partner doesn't get that option.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/07/2015 13:00

I would have been really upset if my DP had chosen not to be there. I really needed his support after a very difficult pregnancy. We don't live near any of my family, and my mum is dead, so I didn't have a lot of choice of birth partners.

I wouldn't have forced him to come with me, but I would have been very disappointed with him.

Poppytime · 28/07/2015 13:05

I am also of the camp that I would have been very disappointed if DH has said he didn't want to be there at the birth - but luckily I don't think he would ever think of not being there. Save a serious medical reason I cannot see why a partner shouldn't be there to support his partner giving birth (unless she really doesn't want him there for whatever reason). You are both having this child - what is the "most horrid bit of pregnancy" is also the most amazing - you are giving birth to his child - it's one of nature's miracles - who wouldn't want to be there?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/07/2015 13:15

Childbirth is natural, but that does not distract from the fact it is horrid. Not beautiful at all, and if I could personally 'opt out' and hide down the pub with cigars I really, honestly would. But that doesn't make me a bad person, because I'm actually going to go into labour at some point in the next 2 months, so can say these things apparently. But my partner says it, and he's an arse! Poor bloke.

Poppytime · 28/07/2015 13:19

But the point is MrsGB it's not just about you - it's about your partner and supporting them and sometimes you might not "fancy" doing something but surely it is more important to be there for someone you are supposed to love, and in this particular situation support them when they are bringing your child into the world - something you created and are responsible for together.

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