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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do about dsis wedding?

196 replies

Crimblecrumble · 28/07/2015 09:02

My dsis is getting married abroad. I am pregnant and the baby will be 6 weeks old by the time we fly to the wedding, (if born on the due date, highly unlikely I know!).

The flight is 11 hours. This is my first child and know this in itself is nuts, but am not that fazed by the flight, other than my concern that at 6 weeks baby won't have had any vaccinations. I am worried about viruses the other passengers might be carrying.

I am also worried about being away from home for 2 weeks when the baby is so little and me and dh won't really know what we are doing. My whole family are going on the trip too though so we will have plenty of support.

I have 1dsis and we are really close, it just so happens we live in different countries. I really really really want to go to her wedding and I cannot bear the thought of missing her wedding. I also don't want to upset her by not going, I know that if she hadn't been able to come to our wedding i would have been devastated.

I feel like whatever decision I make I am letting someone down or being irresponsible.

Dh wants to go, but does not want the baby to be at risk. Which I agree with, if this was just a family holiday I would have cancelled months ago, but it is much, much more important.

Please help me see sense!

OP posts:

Kirsty40 · 28/07/2015 18:25

I wouldn't do it. As previous poster have said, it can take at least 4 weeks to even register the birth so it is unlikely you would get a passport in time. Eleven hours is a very long flight. Young babies can get unexpectedly distressed for no apparent reason and just cry for extended periods - not great on an aeroplane. The whole unvaccinated baby and recycled air on the aeroplane would put me off too. Also, what would happen should your baby get ill whilst you were away?

ApplesTheHare · 28/07/2015 18:33

Sounds like a great decision OP, like you say you can arrange to be there via Skype well in advance and get on with enjoying pregnancy now

Beautifulbabyboy · 28/07/2015 20:59

Just wanted to say crimble, my sister didn't come to my wedding abroad as she was 5 months pregnant with a baby who had taken 5 years of trying for to happen, and countless rounds of IVF. There was no way I wanted to risk her health and that of her unborn baby for my wedding. It really is just a day, and if she is a loving sister she will totally understand. Xx

PurpleSwirl · 29/07/2015 00:44

I would go. I think you have a bit of a high after a baby and can take on lots more than you expect. I wouldn't miss my sisters wedding for anything really.

Have you got kids? Genuine question. No two births are the same. With my first, afterwards I'd have felt able to do all sorts of stuff.
With the second, no way as was a difficult pregnancy and birth.
No WAY would I have felt up to long haul flights halfway across the world after only 6 weeks!
Not to mention as others have said, you haven't had the chance to get all the vaccinations in place. Would it really be worth the risk?
If your sister is getting married so far away and you have such exceptional circumstances, surely she'd understand.
I'm usually one who says "Whoohoo! Child free wedding, leave them at home, bonus!" but in this case at six weeks old and flying halfway across the world to unfamiliar climes is a BIG ask.

PurpleSwirl · 29/07/2015 00:47

Just seen your update, Skype sounds great alternative! Glad that you say your sis and family will understand.

sykadelic · 29/07/2015 03:55

OP - As someone whose family couldn't attend, my advice would be for you to record a video/write a speech for someone to read at the wedding around speech time.

I would ask someone to video the ceremony so that you can watch it later and I would organise with your sister (and new BIL) a time to come and visit with your DH and new baby at a time that is safe and convenient for all. You can watch the video and celebrate with them then.

Glastokitty · 29/07/2015 04:48

All these people saying babies are portable, they just eat and sleep put it in a sling, you do know all babies and births aren't the same? I was still bleeding heavily at that stage, my baby had terrible reflux, breastfeeding took ages and I could barely leave the house let alone tackle long haul. I think the OP has made the right decision even before factoring in Thailand, vaccinations, passports etc.

Turquoiseblue · 29/07/2015 05:08

Op sounds like a good decision not to go.
My first was such a shock to the system - long labour, difficult birth, reflux baby, establishing feeding.
Friends of mine have needs re admission for infections, bladder problems, mastitis, etc.
Also lots of friends have bounced right back and would in theory be fine for the trip!
But the unpredictability of it is difficult.
You should try schedule dh a day off for the wedding day so you have company (and aren't too focused missing your family occasion and sad ) and so maybe if you re feeling up to it you could do a nice meal out to toast the happy couple etc too after/ before you Skype.

Jenny70 · 29/07/2015 05:16

It think the fact that you can't get health professionals to tell you about whether it is even possible to vaccinate a tiny baby for extra vaccs needed for Thailand tells you this is not a common thing that "people do all the time".

Newborn babies have a way of making things happen in strange ways - sometimes for good, sometimes not.

I would refuse, with a quiet understanding that if baby came early and all could be done to protect baby, you might be able to pull out the stops and make a surprise late minute appearance.

Yarp · 29/07/2015 05:58

Sue, it might be doable, but having had 2 DC (the first via EMCS), my instinct screams NO!! Tell her now and get the worry out of your head.

Yarp · 29/07/2015 05:59

Sure, not Sue

ovenchips · 29/07/2015 07:23

I would have found that travel scenario nightmarish at that age but only you can decide this for you and your baby.

I know you want to make a decision now but the truth is you won't know what you want to do until your baby's here. It's very hard to deal in hypotheticals now.

If it were me I would say now that I couldn't go so others could be prepared for you not being there.

Then I would see how I felt when my baby was here. Cos then it's win-win: either 'thank fook I didn't say I would go' and people already know so no disappointing them close to wedding; or 'I'm going to get me and this baby to the wedding' determination to move heaven and earth to get there - which will be a fantastic surprise for all.

Sandbrook · 29/07/2015 07:31

I really feel for you OP.
I had to make a similar decision years ago and even though my baby came first it still upset me to not be there on the day.

You know when the time comes that you've made the right decision not to go and honestly you're sister is more than likely expecting you to say you can't make it.
Do whatever you can to let her know you are thinking of her but from at home with your precious newborn

CactusAnnie · 29/07/2015 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peppapigonaloop · 29/07/2015 07:49

I would second what jenny70 said about having a quiet understanding that you may go all being well..
You might have an amazing birth, super quick recovery, quick passport turnaround..eg all the stars might align and you will know you can do it! But they might not..so prob best to say no with that small thought that it might all come together..

Re the health aspect Plenty of expats have babies out in Asia and follow the UK vacc schedule (I did) breastfeeding will protect to an extent and I assume you are going to a nice hotel/villa rather than touring seedy bits of Bangkok..
Travelling wise I took my second at 10 weeks long haul really is the best time all they do is eat and sleep (assuming you have been lucky and don't have a refluxy/colicky baby!)

Bollard · 29/07/2015 08:13

How about contacting the travel clinic at the Liverpool School of Tropical Medicine?

You could get all your ducks lined up before the baby is born: find out about insurance, fast track registration, passport, last minute flights etc. So if you and the baby are both well you're able to get things moving.

I did a 10 hour flight with a 2 month old and it was fine. Just bring spare clothes for all of you (vomit and huge poos!).

lemoncordial · 29/07/2015 09:26

You made the right choice op. I had to go abroad when dd was less than 2 months. But I travelled by train with my dh and it wasn't too long a journey. Completely different to a long haul to Thailand.

I don't know if anyone else mentioned this up thread but for the first month or so my dd used up cry a lot. I don't know if it was colic or not but it could sometimes last (on and off) for hours. This happened in the evenings and at night. The only way to keep her calm was to keep moving around and rocking her. If that happened on a plane and there was turbulence so you had to stay seated, that would be a nightmare.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 29/07/2015 09:33

There are limits to how much liquid you can take through security, but people can and do buy liquids after that, and take them onto planes as carry on. Hence duty free etc. I have purchased formula at a Boots in the terminal and taken it on before now.

Back to OPs specific situation, I think the poster who said the lack of medical information about what to do if you're taking a 6 week old to Thailand is telling probably had a good point. I also second spare clothes for both parents if possible, last time we flew baby DC2 crapped all over poor DHs trousers. He managed to get most of it off, but a muslin had to be sacrificed in the process...

littlejohnnydory · 29/07/2015 10:11

I'd go. I went abroad for Christmas with a 4 week old baby last year. The baby was easier than the three older dc!

We had to get a letter from gp declaring baby fit to fly as she was under six weeks. Airline and obstetrician confirmed that had i had a section I would still be ok to fly. You can go a d queue up for passport rather than applying by post. No doctor, midwife or anyone else batted an eyelid over it. I'd had a difficult birth and was very anaemic but it was no harder than being at home. Easier in many ways, in fact.

MokunMokun · 29/07/2015 10:20

The thing is littlejohnnydory, that wasn't your first baby. No one can prepare you for how overwhelming it is when you have your first baby, it's just a huge shock to the system and there's so much to get your head around . I really wouldn't feel it was such a big deal if this is the OP's fourth baby but it isn't, it's her first and it a huge adjustment for anyone to make let alone with the added pressure of rushing to register the birth, organising passports, packing, trying to find something flattering to wear to a wedding in a hot country when your still 6 weeks post-partum and your body is all over the place.

A lot of cultures women don't even leave the house for the first 1 or 2 months after a baby is born. The OP needs to take care of herself and her little one.

MissBattleaxe · 29/07/2015 10:39

it was no harder than being at home. Easier in many ways, in fact. Are you joking? and was it long haul to Thailand and was it your first baby?

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