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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure re baby at wedding

486 replies

DeeDee40 · 26/07/2015 16:44

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

OP posts:
Sleepyfergus · 26/07/2015 18:10

YANBU - at my wedding, a friend happily attended and her family started nearby for feeds. It worked well. Meant she could enjoy the day, catch up with folks without fretting over a baby, yet still feed as and when needed.

And I've been a bf mum at a wedding and my folks stayed nearby and I popped out 3 or4 times, walked to the house we had rented for the wedding weekend and fed dd1. No issues, and again, it was nice to have a day with my DH and not constantly be rocking and attending to a baby.

And FFS, it's a 7 month old, not a 7 day or 7 week old baby. If her family are willing to help out then great, a solution that suits you and her. It's your wedding, she's doesn't get to change the rules to suit her.

Primafacie · 26/07/2015 18:14

Some babies won't take a bottle. Doesn't matter if you tell them its for an important wedding, they don't care.

As the mother of a bottle refuser, THIS. I never planned to EBF, however DS didn't get the memo. It was very stressful and in the end had to hire a 'supernanny' type to get him to take a bottle as I needed to get back to work. Thus was after months of other people trying to get him to take a bottle - including two professional nannies, DH, my mum and my aunt. Nothing worked.

Maybe your DF isn't trying it on? Maybe your wedding is not the centre of her universe?

TheRealAmyLee · 26/07/2015 18:16

Personally I couldn't imagine a child free wedding but your wedding your choice. I suspect your friend is just frustrated as she really wants to be there but its incredibly difficult for her to do that if she cant bring her baby.

When my DD was about tiny we went to a friends wedding (evening only). DD stayed with ils as they lived 5 mins from venue so we could have a child free night but easily get back to her. Our friends made us go get her after a couple of hours as they all wanted to see her! (First in group to have kids)

EatDessertFirst · 26/07/2015 18:16

YANBU to want a child-free wedding. But excluding nieces and nephews Hmm?

You should make it clear to your friend that her baby isn't welcome. But you will have no right to be annoyed if she declines to come. I'm suprised your relatives aren't Confused at you excluding immediate relatives. I'm guessing they'll be talking about this Bridezilla behaviour of yours behind your back till the end of time. I hope that when you have children you'll realise how unfair and inflexible -pita- you are. Enjoy your child free boring as hell wedding day!

Daisygarden · 26/07/2015 18:16

sleepy just because you were happy to leave your BF baby which is totally fair enough, doesn't mean everyone else who isn't is unreasonable "FFS'.

FlowersAndShit · 26/07/2015 18:16

I don't understand the whole fuss surrounding breastfeeding. Yes it has health benefits, but it can also be dentrimental to your own mental health and your relationships.

dragonfly007 · 26/07/2015 18:17

Had a child free wedding, but we made exceptions for bf babies.

NerrSnerr · 26/07/2015 18:18

Flowers- how is that relevant? The point is that this baby is currently breastfed. That's all that matters.

littlejohnnydory · 26/07/2015 18:24

You want her to give her baby a bottle just so that she can leave him with a babysitter for your wedding? YABVU and ridiculous. Child free weddings usually accommodate breastfed babies (who can't be apart from their mother and won't be eating a meal). If you don't want to do that then you will have to accept that they won't be able to attend.

Your friend sounds as though she is bending over backwards to attend your wedding rather than "pushing her luck" - considering having some of her family hanging around with baby so that she can leave and feed him when necessary - do you know what an arse that is? She sounds like a much better friend than you are, OP.

Lookingforadvice123 · 26/07/2015 18:26

YANBU but I think it's mean to accuse her of trying it on, just say sorry, but no children has to apply to everyone. I'm pregnant with dc1 so have no experience of bf'ing, but if I was EBF (which I intend to choose not to as for me it is way too limiting and wouldn't expect to be able to take my baby absolutely everywhere for up to a year) and the wedding was "no children", I would simply decline the invite. She has the right to choose to EBF for as long as she wishes, you have the right to choose not to have children at your wedding. No-brainer.

littlejohnnydory · 26/07/2015 18:26

Beside the point, Flowers - although all the evidence re postnatal mental health contradicts what you suggest.

tilliebob · 26/07/2015 18:27

Flowers - what did that little aside have to do with anything? Projecting a bit there are you? Hmm

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 26/07/2015 18:28

Then you didn't have a child free wedding dragonfly. Sorry to be pedantic.

A totally childfree wedding is not unreasonable, at all.
Expecting to be the exception is unreasonble, for any reason.
Expecting someone to attend when they cannot due to perfectly valid child-care issues is unreasonoble.

Pretty simple really.

Lookingforadvice123 · 26/07/2015 18:28

And I'm not sure if I've misinterpreted the OP but it read to me as if the guest was asking if her baby could come to the wedding, as OTHERWISE her family would have to hang around outside church/venue with baby and call her to feed on demand, which is obviously very inconvenient? I didn't read it that she had offered to do this at all, but maybe I read it wrong?

stiffstink · 26/07/2015 18:29

I am intrigued about the nieces more than the baby!

OP says that she and STBDH were happy with thise choice but makes no mention of how the parents of the nieces took it. Its really bizarre. I have been invited to childfree wweddings knowing the couple's nieces and nephews were going, thats normal.

Trying to think how my inlaws would have reacted to our 11 year old niece being excluded. They would think me & DH had lost it and it would probably have caused tension for years. Our niece is lovely btw, but would not have been excluded even if she were a terror.

SisterMoonshine · 26/07/2015 18:29

Surely she can just skip bottles now anyway and use a cup and leave the baby some food.

Cheby · 26/07/2015 18:29

OP YAB massively U. You clearly have zero idea what it's like to have an EBF baby, I imagine your friend is probably really stressing about what to do.

Just make it clear (if that really is what you want) that children are not welcome at all, but that you understand her situation and bear no ill feeling if she can't come due to your ridiculous rule.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/07/2015 18:29

OP, tell her that you would love her to come and that she is free to make whatever arrangements she needs to in order to attend or if it is too much faff, you will understand if she can't attend. Unfortunately you can't make an exception for her and her baby without upsetting other guests who have agreed to leave their babies at home.

Ignore the "bridezilla" comments here. It's your wedding, you decide who to invite and you can't please all of the people all of the time. And congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you have a wonderful day and a great marriage.SmileThanks

Nolim · 26/07/2015 18:32

I am in the minority here thinking that child free weddings are completely ok. To be fair in my wedding none of the guests were bf and my nieces/nephewes were not able to attend anyway.
But if i am invited to a child free wedding now i either ger a sitter for my dc or decline, no hard feelings.

littlejohnnydory · 26/07/2015 18:33

I went to a wedding this weekend. My youngest is 8 months. She has only been left with dh for two hours once, for the first time, last week (purely due to breastfeeding). There is no way I could have gone without her.

yorkshapudding · 26/07/2015 18:33

YANBU to have a child free wedding if that's what you want. Like many previous posters, I don't 'get' child free weddings but if other people want one then that's absolutely up to them. However, you have to accept that banning children and babies might make it problematic for some of your guests to attend. Some breastfed babies will simply not take a bottle, if your friend has a 'bottle-refuser' then there's nothing she can do about that.

Your friend is not being unreasonable to discreetly pop out of the venue at regular intervals to feed her baby. She would also not be unreasonable to decline your invitation on the grounds that she doesn't want to attend without her baby. However, if she is putting pressure on you to reverse your decision to make the wedding child free or to make an exception for her child then that is unreasonable.

tiggytape · 26/07/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadowStar · 26/07/2015 18:37

Depends on the baby, Sister. I have a friend who's first child was a bottle refusing breastfed baby, who also refused to take expressed breastmilkmilk from a cup until she was over a year old.

SisterMoonshine · 26/07/2015 18:39

With no food or drink Shadow?

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 26/07/2015 18:43

At seven months neither of mine could have been left with just water and food, they'd only been weaning a month (give or take).