daughter having probs with a customer at work

[ghostspirit]

i dont know the answer to this: my daughter is 18 she works in a shop. There is an old man that comes in the shop. she said she thinks hes a paedohile (she dont know that) and he keeps hitting on her. i asked what does he do. he keeps grabbing her hand telling her shes beauiful,sexy and wishes she was with him. its happend 3 times. she said she ended up crying when he left the shop. She said the manager was acting harsh and expected her not to get upset over it. she said to me if it carrys on she will leave the job.

she has been told she can refuse to serve him.

does she have to put up with him. or should something be said to him. is he doing anything wrong. i would have thought if its upsetting someone then he is. i dont know how it works. any advice please thanks

He should be banned from the shop. Her employer has a duty of care.
He may have a number of problems or may just be arrogant enough to this is OK. It's not and it's not her responsibility to manage him If it was happening to her at the bus stop outside the police would/should be involved.

I had this in a supermarket job in my early 20s. Older man (I looked about 15) who made disgusting, suggestive conversation and threatened to beat up any other man he saw me talking to. Management treatment me like a nuisance and didn't act. Every time it happened - which was every single shift as he seemed to know what I worked - I told someone until it was clear I had something to complain about. Eventually one manager realised I wasn't making an unnecessary fuss and said I was within my right not to serve him, and ensured I wasn't put on a till out of the way.

You should be pleased that your daughter is speaking up to you about it. I hope you get a resolution to this. She shouldn't have to put up with it.

hopefully she will have a better day today. and if the customer comes in the manager will hopefully be more supportive. hopefully he wont come in though

She does need to learn to deal with this though or it's going to keep on happening to her. People like this man deliberately target people like the OPs daughter because they know that they are too timid and scared of being rude to tell them to eff off. If she carries on like this she will keep being targeted by people like him because they see her as an easy target. She does need to learn how to be assertive and say no herself when people are doing something they don't like.

I've worked in pubs and in retail. Dealing with difficult and unpleasant customers is just part of the job. And if you can't do that you probably are unsuited to the job. This man has overstepped the mark and it's great the manager is doing something. But as a manager in that position, you do expect that your staff will first try and deal with a situation themselves before asking for help if they can't resolve it. If a member of staff passively accepts everything difficult customers and always expects a member of management to step in and deal with it entirely then that member of staff is simply not very good at their job.

I also worry that OP is encouraging a dependent, victim aspect to DDs personality as she seems to be telling her that when you have a problem the first thing you should do is ask somebody else to sort it out for you. The email thing is fairly easily surmountable by googling which would tell you how to print screen or paste into word. This man's behaviour may well have been nipped in the bud if she'd been assertive rather than showing him that she would passively accept what he did unless there was someone who would rescue her. It's too late for her to change the past with this man and now the manager needs to deal with it, but she does need to know for the future how to deal with it.

What is she going to do if something unpleasant happens to her and there is nobody else around to help her? Just let it happen because the only way she knows how to solve problems is to be rescued?

She needs to learn how to assert herself, and not passively allow things she doesn't like to be done to her.

The question about the wage slip being on an email was me wondering not my daughter.

i think its hard to know what to do with things like this. if she tells him eff off she probably get a telling of by manager if she asks for help shes told not to let it bother her. shes only just turned 18 this is her first job. im sure with time she will build confidence to stand up for her self in the right way.

It is tricky. If she makes a complaint they have to follow it up but also could just let her go and replace her. She might prefer to look out for something else. Does she have any previous customer service experience?

indeed liz its only zero contract and shes not been there 3 months yet. i dont think its a good place to work for. but in general she does seem to like the other members of staff she works with and they have a laugh. and i guess something like this could happen anywhere. of course she can look out for another job but if she wants to do that i think she should have a job to go to before she leaves this one. anyway hopefully it will stop.

she does not have customer service experience

Has she left college ? Maybe a nvq customer service course would help her confidence and assertiveness. Can lead on to all sorts of career paths.

Ghost what can you do to help her with her self esteem? Can you do a bit of role play with her and help her find some phrases to put him in his place? Can she practice saying, "Let go of my hand, your behaviour is totally inappropriate. Stop or I will not serve you".

My daughter used to work in a nightclub. She spent the whole time being propositioned and groped so she has learned a lot of choice put downs and is very assertive with men now. It is a steep learning curve though, when you are young.

liz that might be an idea...dont know though its upto her. she has caused me/family lots of stress and upset. since shes left college and gone into work she seems so much better in her self and towards me/family. i will suggest it though.

tinkly she would probably laugh at me. she gos from one extreme to the other she will either get upset/cry and say its freaking her out she dont like it. or she will shout at the person and start swearing and get angry. i think because its the work place shes not sure what she can or cant do.

Eff off was a figure of speech. There are things that you can say which will not get you into trouble with work but will deal with someone challenging firmly yet politely.

In this situation (before it escalated) I would have suggested refusing to allow him to take her hand, telling him she is too busy working to talk and shutting down the conversation. Telling him to let go of her hand 'Please let go of my hand, I don't want you to hold it'. 'Please don't say things like that to me, I find it inappropriate, I do not like it'.

She doesn't owe him an explanation, she needs to know that she should not feel embarrassed or ashamed of saying things like that. It's her right to ask people to stop when they are feeling uncomfortable. She needs to learn to do this, if she keeps expecting someone else to step in she's going to make herself very vulnerable because people like this man will know she's a soft touch.

Hi OP, I do feel for your DD. Its not up to her to take responsibility for this man's actions, its up to him not to behave this way in the first place. Of course teaching girls and young women basic safety is vital, I would like to see an increase of education for boys in showing them how to treat women respectfully, how to respect boundaries, and that only they are responsible for THEIR behaviour.

Your daughter doesn't have to put up with this, is this a shop where there is another manager above the one she's already spoken to? An area manager maybe? If so, I recommend her contacting them, unless this current one takes some action the next time this man comes in. I put up with vile comments for years, he also would try to massage me, ask about my bras, my sex life etc...it escalated from small, innocent sounding remarks and trying to hold my hand, I was trapped as he WAS the boss! There was no one else to tell and I had no money at all to pay rent, buy food, applied for several jobs to no avail, so simply put up with it. I'm long gone from that place now but even in my most recent job there were a few staff members who treated me like crap, disrespecfully...sorry for the long post (!) what I'm trying to say is your DD does not have to put up with this for a second longer, no matter what this man's reasons may be.

she said boss bought it up today said to her she should not let him get to her. i asked her if it was said in a supportive way. she said it was like he was nagging. he is only there tempary daughter said hes leaving next week. hes been put there to improve the store. anyway the man did not go in the store today.shes not at work now till wednesday so he might not bother again

Hi OP. It's not a nice situation for your DD to be in. I work in retail,have done for the past 5-6 years. We have one male customer,around 65-70,who gives suggestive looks,makes borderline suggestive remarks,talks to my chest etc, which I can ignore. But EVERY time he hands his money over,he grips my hand and slowly strokes my fingers.If I snatch my hand away,he sniggers and grins. He knows he is doing it. He does this to all the girls. We don't like it,to say the least. He has been a once a week customer for the 5 years I've worked there. I got tired of it fast. Warned him I didn't like him doing it. The next time,I said that I told him last time I didn't like it. The time after,I told him I wouldn't be serving him again. Every time after that,I made him wait to be served until our male manager to be called to the shop floor. Fine. But in Jan of this year,our male manager relocated,and new manager is female and 21. Ringing the bell and making him wait to be served doesn't work now. New manager lets him grip and stroke and grin. I told her she doesn't have to put up with it. She says it's easier,and gets him out of the shop faster. Feminism going backwards for a non-confrontational life. What can you do?!

Sorry,Op,just read that back...not very helpful! With a bit of luck,your DDs new manager will be more supportive of the staff and a bit tougher on unreasonable customers. We teach our toddlers body autonomy,and that should be reinforced regardless of age,and not be sacrificed in the interest of a 'quiet life'.

Tenieht Thu 23-Jul-15 04:47:56 Your daughter should just do a silly laugh like Barbra Windsor in the Carry On films and say "ooooh you saucy devil" - make light of it! People are way too serious and professionally offended nowadays.

Obvious troll is obvious.

daughter went into work did not say anything the manager asked to have a word told her not to get upset about it its not worth it theres no point.

can anyone suggest how she could point out to her boss that she should be able to work without getting harrassed and point out her rights without it coming over like shes under minding him? how do you say something like that to someone if they think harassment is ok?

Can an older colleague speak on her behalf> If they would or could, that is. Its ridiculous that your DD has had to put up with this, and that the manager is minimising this ugly situation. Or would DD write a letter...? & why not ring ACAS for advice, they're good at advising on this kind of thing 0300 123 1100

Ghost, so sorry to hear this

Agree with posters who say it's 2015 and no one should put up with this pervert, age irrelevant.

Your daughter needs to ask the manager specifically "what am I allowed to do to get him away?" Ive worked with people who would say " tell him to fuck off and I won't fire you", but sadly those people are few and far between. So she needs to find out exactly what her manager will support. If he is in the shop for 45 mins staring at your daughter, he should be banned.

I've found that being polite does not work and now resort to lokkng disgusted and swearing! Tell dd not to say "please stop touching me". It's not a polite request, it's an order. Men do often back away when they see aggression.

thank you. will defo call that number to...i dont want daughter to put up with it but also dont want her to loose her job. the boss is only temp and i think she will only see him for 3 more days. i thought if hes been called in to improve he must be a higher rated boss. but yet hes acting this way over harassment so not that great really. they seem to be sacking people for small reasons as well

got a feeling daughter getting the sack she has been asked to go into work to discuss her progress. is that code for sack?

Any employee should expect to be discussing their progress and development especially if new to the role.

ghost If they want to let her go they don't need to jump through hoops - she doesn't have any employment rights in her situation.

i know sooty i hope they are not going to let her go though. shes been doing so much better past couple of months or so. but shes also saying she wants to quit. they hours are to long bla bla bla...im trying to encourage her not to :/