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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daughter having probs with a customer at work

197 replies

ghostspirit · 22/07/2015 17:16

i dont know the answer to this: my daughter is 18 she works in a shop. There is an old man that comes in the shop. she said she thinks hes a paedohile (she dont know that) and he keeps hitting on her. i asked what does he do. he keeps grabbing her hand telling her shes beauiful,sexy and wishes she was with him. its happend 3 times. she said she ended up crying when he left the shop. She said the manager was acting harsh and expected her not to get upset over it. she said to me if it carrys on she will leave the job.

she has been told she can refuse to serve him.

does she have to put up with him. or should something be said to him. is he doing anything wrong. i would have thought if its upsetting someone then he is. i dont know how it works. any advice please thanks

OP posts:
specialsubject · 22/07/2015 20:01

no-one has said she has to put up with it. No-one said anyone can walk in and just touch her.

everyone has offered advice on how to deal with it. Although I stand corrected, if he does not back off with a firm telling she should call the manager Most workplaces now have a policy that staff can do their jobs without harrassment, and that customers who cause trouble get shown the door. Or more.

there are bad and stupid people in the world. Until we breed them out, we need to deal with them by the methods given.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 22/07/2015 20:02

Actually it does! It means she is being supported, it means she is being listened to, it means she is having her feelings validated, it means she being shown how to correctly deal with it, it means the onus is taken off her to correct someone else's unwanted and inappropriate behaviour

Absolutely right.

HermioneWeasley · 22/07/2015 20:06

Your poor daughter. I wouldn't have known how to deal with it at her age either.

As others have said, her employer has a duty to protect her from sexual harassment (which this undeniably this). She has the right to refuse to serve him, and I would suggest if he says anything again that the customer would be warned once and then barred if he continues.

Hope this sorts out the situation.

FryOneFatManic · 22/07/2015 20:06

I can't believe that people are effectively blaming the OP's DD for not handling this "properly" and that she should toughen up. This is victim blaming.

And in the latest newsflash, being elderly isn't a "get out of jail free" card. Elderly people are just as likely to be nasty creepy people same as younger people.

The DD has told her manager this is unwanted behaviour; he should therefore be the person dealing with this.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 22/07/2015 20:08

I agree with First.

Part of the problem has always been that this sort of thing (and widening it out now, rather than assuming motivations of the man in the OP) is that females have been told (how are we told? we just know don't we) that you don't make a fuss, you "laugh it off", you don't tell anyone, it's not serious, etc and so on. And if you don't like something, that it's your problem to sort out (or not, as the case may be).

I think OPs manager should be having a word with the bloke and asking him not to touch her and not to make flirty / inappropriate / sexual / whatever you want to call them comments.

If he's lonely then having a chat about the weather should suffice surely, and that could be with anyone, not just the young female.

LIZS · 22/07/2015 20:09

And she should be given credit for speaking to her manager. Does she plan to continue in a customer facing role or is this short term?

TheMoa · 22/07/2015 20:09

Really, even though retail seems to be thought of as an easy option on here, it isn't.

OK, you don't need years of study, but I honestly can't see my eldest being able to cope with it at 18. He'd be like a rabbit in the headlights.

You need to be pretty outgoing, resilient, quick thinking, and able to cope with a 'sink or swim' culture. People do expect that you'll hit the ground running, because 'how hard can it be, right?'.

Unless you start out in a tiny charity shop or something, there is little structure to guide the less worldly 17/18 year old in retail, and if you can't cope, you can be replaced at the drop of a hat.

The OP's DD has been told she doesn't have to serve the guy, she just needs to be able to say 'that's not on' every time he starts up, and walk away. Otherwise she will stress herself out so much she'll quit or be fired.

Stratter5 · 22/07/2015 20:11

I appreciate this is irrelevant, but she is 18, an adult. He is NOT a paedophile. A paedophile is sexually attracted to PRE-pubescent children. It's a word that needs to be used carefully, the connotations are too serious.

This is something that her manager should be proactively handling. It's not acceptable that she has to put up with this at work.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 20:32

Can i just explain what i meant by banter dd words not mine anyway if she gets say a drunk customer she just lets them chat rubbish (as long as its not offensive) as she chats back as she serves when she first started at 18 she was a bit intimidated by some customers a pp gave me a face ,

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 22/07/2015 20:33

Well said FryOne. I was sexually assaulted at work (by a manager) between the ages of 16 and 18 and I wish I'd had someone to support me.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 20:36

You call somebody 65 getting a bit on this site you are agiest an old man is just lonely poor love ,

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 22/07/2015 20:38

If he's lonely then having a chat about the weather should suffice surely, and that could be with anyone, not just the young female.

YY to this ^^

Doubtfuldaphne · 22/07/2015 20:42

I used to run a shop on my own and had this. I felt scared and reported it to the police.it could be harmless in his mind but he needs someone to tell him it is NOT ok to overstep boundaries. It'll work.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 22/07/2015 20:45

daughter messaged me and the bloke went in the shop again. daughter kept away. but he was in the shop for 45 mins. manager has told her not to serve him

OP posts:
RachelRagged · 22/07/2015 21:04

No that's not on OP

In shop again > Stalking or near enough

Original poster
ghostspirit · 22/07/2015 21:15

daughter home now.i asked in shop for 45 mins. its just a small type shop. i said to daughter if hes there that long member of staff should have asked can they help.

they have some sort of manager in sorting the shop as its gone down hill and staff are leaving alot...he said she should not let the bloke get to her why is she crying she just needs to get on with things.

whilst im here when she gets paid they email wage slips is this ok.daughter has tried printing them via the email but cant.

OP posts:
LIZS · 22/07/2015 21:21

I think email wage slips are the norm. Manager shouldn't be minimising the issue though. He can ask man to leave if he crosses the line or refuse to serve him.

TheMoa · 22/07/2015 21:22

My pay slips are all online, that's fine (I opted in, I don't know whether you're meant to be given a paper option).

45 minutes in a small shop seems odd. Has he always done it, does he know the other staff?

Is it like a Tesco Local, or part of another big chain, or more of a family thing?

ilovesooty · 22/07/2015 21:23

The manager should be more proactive in dealing with a customer hanging about.

Emailed wage slips are the norm nowadays.

piggyHouseHunting · 22/07/2015 21:24

I had a few off customers in retail - but was lucky staff were mainly female and older than me and were around and would step in. The public can be very odd and frequently very rude.

Worst was 19 year at Uni under my belt and a factory floor job- the rest of the work force mainly male or my age female but more worldly wise considered it amusing and that I should laugh it off - guy was an old man. It wasn't pleasant - it was very lonely and a little frightening - I was very aware of my surroundings the entire time I worked there.

I couldn't tell my family. I'd be told I had to toughen up.

I suggest she doesn't serve the customer and goes back to the manager if any other incidents occur - though not sure what can be done about a customer lurking in the shop other than avoid and make the manager aware.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 21:27

Sounds like a corner shop type place. My sister gets her wage slip on line its starting to become an option i think copy the email onto word it should print that way

BabyFeets · 22/07/2015 21:30

the problem is that people think that because someone is elderly it means its okay for them to harass you because they are "lonely" its not your daughters job to entertain this old man, he wants entertainment he can pay an escort.
I went through something very similar and the "elderly lonely" card kept coming up.
Respecting elders doesn't mean they can do what they like to you. Both are human beings whether young or old.
It is causing stress to your daughter which is unfair, shes allowed a life

DrDre · 22/07/2015 21:37

My payslips are via e-mail, it's normal.
Her manager needs to sort this situation out. I have had harassment in a retail job in the past and it's not nice. People think that because they're the 'customer' they can get away with it.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 21:41

Like I said before if this man was 40 and leering nobody would care if he was lonely or not

Bakeoffcake · 22/07/2015 21:41

So shocked at some of the answers on here. I hope none of you spouting "she needs to toughen up" are in charge of anyone at work!

No one should have to put up with someone else touching them, calling them sexy and saying they want to be with them if they don't want to.
It's 2015 ffs and it doesn't matter how old the person is.

In fact it's the sort of way Jimmy Saville would have behaved and ignoring that went really well didn't it? Hmm Angry

Op tell your dd to leave the shop floor as soon as this dirty old creep man enters the shop.