daughter having probs with a customer at work

[ghostspirit]

i dont know the answer to this: my daughter is 18 she works in a shop. There is an old man that comes in the shop. she said she thinks hes a paedohile (she dont know that) and he keeps hitting on her. i asked what does he do. he keeps grabbing her hand telling her shes beauiful,sexy and wishes she was with him. its happend 3 times. she said she ended up crying when he left the shop. She said the manager was acting harsh and expected her not to get upset over it. she said to me if it carrys on she will leave the job.

she has been told she can refuse to serve him.

does she have to put up with him. or should something be said to him. is he doing anything wrong. i would have thought if its upsetting someone then he is. i dont know how it works. any advice please thanks

Report to her boss or manager and let her or him deal with it. I work for the nhs and i cant tell you how many marriage proposals i had by my home bound male older patients. Was shocked the first time. Now i just ignore and discuss the weather. Not sure how i cope as a 18 year old. He certainly shouldnt be holding her hand. Report to her boss.

Another drama from op

blitz if you have a problem with my (dramas) then please report me.

Ignore her ghost
If she wants to be spiteful it reflects more on her than on you.

thankyou sooty

If your dd is 18, how old is this old man? May not be more than 50 judging by my teens idea of old. In any event your dd is right to listen to her instincts about the situation. Many moons ago I had similar as a 16 year old working in a high street store. Creepy man used to queue up at mt till deliberately and make suggestive comments. Another customer called him on it and reported him to the floorwalker. Next time he came in he was firmly escorted from the store. Only for me to find him sitting outside when I left! Police had to tell him to go. But it meant that I never felt safe walking from the store to the station.

Dd does not have to put up with this at all. Store manager should be supporting her. Is there another job she can go for?

she said he looked in his 60s. hanging round the store for 45 mins seems a bit spooky. i dont see why a staff member did not say to him can i help. he never bought anything either. she can look out for another job. but hopefully this situation will be sorted out

Her manager should be all over this; it's just not acceptable that some creepy perv is hanging around the shop and distressing her.

When I was 18 I had a job in a shop where an elderly man used to come in and grab my hands over the counter and make comments about my appearance constantly. Sometimes for half an hour or longer, several times a week. It was really uncomfortable and my manager and other members of staff used to watch and do nothing about it. He was in his eighties so I think everyone just used to think he was a sweet old man.

Anyway I was getting sick of it towards the end and used to go out into the shop and tidy up when he was there and let someone else serve him to try to remove myself from the situation. On one occasion he came up behind me and kind of shoved his hand underneath my skirt as hard as he could. My skirt was in the way but he had grabbed me there nevertheless.

I lost it and screamed at him and he just stood there leering when I turned around! I told him to get out and swore at him. Nobody who worked there was particularly concerned afterwards and I actually had to fight to get him barred from coming in again.

Apparently because he was old he didn't mean it and I actually shouldn't have sworn at a customer. This shop was part of a chain, the manager had literally zero interest financially in allowing a pervert to assault the staff so I'm not sure why the huge personal interest in keeping his business at any cost. Not that that would have been an excuse either but I struggle now to understand why he wasn't barred earlier or without me pushing for it.

I don't care if he was 80, sexually assaulting people was socially unacceptable back in his day too. Even at the hand grabbing stage, it was totally unacceptable. Being elderly is no excuse whatsoever. Nobody has the right to touch other people without their consent or make your daughter or anyone else feel uncomfortable.

Me and my husband have our own business now and employ two women and if anyone harassed them or made them feel uncomfortable they would never step foot through the door again. I don't expect them to deal with sexual harassment of any kind in our place of business - it's my job to prevent that, not theirs.

If your daughter continues to be harassed at work I would encourage her to continue to refuse to serve this customer and also remind her manager that to sack her for being harassed by a customer would be unfair dismissal. Nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable and it is not your daughter's job to make this man stop, it's her manager's! In my situation it did escalate and it was allowed to happen by my manager at the time.

I really hope things improve for your daughter soon. I don't agree with anybody who says it's for your daughter to deal with alone - she shouldn't be put in that situation by her manager in the first place!

There are some pretty despicable responses on here. She should just deal with it? The man is lonely? Sexual harrassment is part of life.

I despair.

It took me a long time to learn assertiveness and boundary enforcement. Like your daughter, at 18 I still had a ways to go. It would be most appropriate for the manager or other older person on staff to immediately come to her aid when this fellow shows up and demonstrate a firm response in her presence.

She will learn over time how to deflect unwanted attention, but the advice to " get used to it" or " toughen up" is unhelpful.

Please buy her a copy of The Gift of Fear, by Gavin De Becker. If your daughter intuits that this man is a pedophile, maybe he is? At any rate, intuition is important and she must not let her intuition and natural tendency for self-protection be eroded.

Being a lonely old person does not give a license for creepy behavior.

Best of luck.

Your daughter should just do a silly laugh like Barbra Windsor in the Carry On films and say "ooooh you saucy devil" - make light of it! People are way too serious and professionally offended nowadays.

If he's hanging around, not even pretending to shop, tje the manager should tell him to leave... If he won't - inform the police - thisay constitute harassment /stalking.

I recall similar things happening to me at the same age- how the manager reacted and supported made all tje difference!

Also agree with someone up thread : that as women, we're expected to put up with this and ' laugh it off'.

Its all part of how women are socialised as little girls and wider society expectations of us as adults.

Furthermore, we are expected to stroke mens " fragile egos, not to cause them upset/'hurt' them, and call them on their behaviour - regardless how inappropriate or downright creepy it is. It just supports /helps men who set out to groom much younger girls. It provides an 'offence supportive' environment.

Women must always support and nurture them in their role, and never question their masculintiy and their dominance. We should remain demure/ ladylike at all costs...

PS Bollocks to that!

Oh yes- the Gift of Fear is an interesting read. Also the classic assertiveness book Anne Dickson- a woman in your own right - it's quite an old book now-but still relevant!
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Ive taken this from a review of Anne Dicksons book:

The author lists 11 basic rights. For some people they might seem self-evident but they weren't in my case and putting them into practice changed my view of being in the world quite profoundly.

The rights are:

I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent capable and equal human being.

I have the right to express my feelings.

I have the right to express my opinions and values.

I have the right to say "yes" or "no" for myself.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to change my mind.

I have the right to say I don't understand.

I have the right to have the right to ask for what I want.

I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.

I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.

In relating to other I can be:

Passive - giving up my rights.

Aggressive - forcing other to give up their rights.

Indirect - manipulating others to get what I want.

Assertive - Ensuring that my rights are respected as well as respecting the rights of others

I could quote whole passages from the book but if you only wanted to read one chapter then it would have to be, `Saying No'. In my experience being assertive has helped me state who I am as well as acknowledge differences in others. I find it a "a way of being" that genuinely honours both myself and the other person or group I am dealing with.

U thine this book. The author lists 11 basic rights. For some people they might seem self-evident but they weren't in my case and putting them into practice changed my view of being in the world quite profoundly.

The rights are:
I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life
I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent capable and equal human being
I have the right to express my feelings
I have the right to express my opinions and values
I have the right to say "yes" or "no" for myself
I have the right to make mistakes
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to say I don't understand
I have the right to have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems
I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval

In relating to other I can be
Passive - giving up my rights
Aggressive - forcing other to give up their rights
Indirect - manipulating others to get what I want
Assertive - Ensuring that my rights are respected as well as respecting the rights of others

I could quote whole passages from the book but if you only wanted to read one chapter then it would have to be, `Saying No'. In my experience being assertive has helped me state who I am as well as acknowledge differences in others. I find it a "a way of being" that genuinely honours both myself and the other person or group I am dealing with

it's an excellent book for anyone!

That is interesting but surely impractical in the workplace.

"Professionally offended"?

For fuck's sake.

I SAID HE MIGHT BE LONELY , some old people are !

As for his age, yea course they can be dirty old bastards too .. Don't preach to me for saying he "might be lonely" ffs. . I know all about old nonces tyvm and would NEVER defend one .. FFS some of you really !!!

OP some seem to think I am on his side, I am not . I hope your DD gets manager support and if not ? Is there a Head Office , somebody higher she can go too if this continues ?

If the girl is 18, he isn't a paedophile, surely?

The kind of loneliness that can only be relieved by 18 year old girls?

He probably thinks she's a soft touch being young and female whereas men tend not to do or speak more than is necessary. She doesn't need to serve him, she can call someone else when he comes to pay and do another task or take her break. How often are her shifts? Presumably she isn't left on her own in the shop. Does he appear same time each day?

Being in your 60s doesn't equate to beING a very old lonely person.

He sounds like a creep with stalkerish tendencies. The onus is on him to moderate his behaviour or deal with consequences, not on your DD to learn to toughen up to select him.

Err deflect not select

In my job, I come across an awful lot of lonely older people. Funnily enough, the vast, vast majority of them manage to avoid making sexual jibes to young adults.

The responses from some people are shocking. What are we teaching young women these days? This 2015, people.