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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

daughter having probs with a customer at work

197 replies

ghostspirit · 22/07/2015 17:16

i dont know the answer to this: my daughter is 18 she works in a shop. There is an old man that comes in the shop. she said she thinks hes a paedohile (she dont know that) and he keeps hitting on her. i asked what does he do. he keeps grabbing her hand telling her shes beauiful,sexy and wishes she was with him. its happend 3 times. she said she ended up crying when he left the shop. She said the manager was acting harsh and expected her not to get upset over it. she said to me if it carrys on she will leave the job.

she has been told she can refuse to serve him.

does she have to put up with him. or should something be said to him. is he doing anything wrong. i would have thought if its upsetting someone then he is. i dont know how it works. any advice please thanks

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 18:28

She does really need to start standing up for herself my dd works in a shop started at 18 unable to say boo to a goose now she can handle most customers with banter your dd will learn

mileend2bermondsey · 22/07/2015 18:37

Good god this thread has left me gobsmacked.

OP tell your DD that being anyone who walks through the door to her workplace has the right to touch and harrass her and if any of this makes her feel uncomfortable she should just grow up and get over it as it is part of life. Apparantly touching and making sexually suggestive comments to people agaisnt their will is just 'banter' and as a silly little woman she should learn to accept this disrespect sooner rather than later.

FFS what year is it?

Tryharder · 22/07/2015 18:40

I think she needs to toughen up as well I'm afraid.

Calling the police over an old man's silly comments? Come on!

Tell her to take her hand away, remain polite and ignore.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 22/07/2015 18:40

Is he only grabbing her hand?

Most of these elderly people only get out once a day and this is all the interaction they have

It sounds as if he is lonely

she needs to toughen up

Fucking unreal.

Young women have an uphill battle to be treated with respect, and not objectified or treated in a sexual manner.

Some of the comments on this thread appall me.

I was also pawed over, had sleazy comments made to me, felt totally powerless to stop it, etc. and it was absolutely horrible. It is not bloody acceptable. We need to challenge this kind of behaviour whenever we see it. So we all got sleazed over as teenagers, it's just part and parcel, yeah?

What a depressing thread. OP, I hope your daughter gets the support she needs at work. If I was getting sexually harassed by a client at work, I would expect help in dealing with it. I would not expect to be told to toughen up. Why is this young woman any different?

AcrossthePond55 · 22/07/2015 18:40

Here (US) it would be considered sexual harassment (creating a hostile work environment) if management refused to do anything and they could get into big trouble. But they have offered her a sensible alternative, having someone else serve him. As long as they don't 'punish' her for taking that alternative, they've met their legal responsibility.

Years ago I worked in a govt office that served the public. One of our clients would routinely fondle himself during interviews if he was being assisted by a female. The solution was the same; when he was required to visit the office, he was only assisted by male workers.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 22/07/2015 18:44

banter?

*I think she needs to toughen up as well I'm afraid.

Calling the police over an old man's silly comments? Come on!*

Like I say, depressing.

It's no bloody wonder young women struggle with self-esteem.

MissMuffetisin · 22/07/2015 18:53

Perhaps young women "all" have self esteem issues because they keep being told they can't be expected to handle these situations without support from the authorities. Most young women I know could manage this with a few choice words

SurlyCue · 22/07/2015 18:59

Most young women I know could manage this with a few choice words

Good. That is great.

Is it a great stretch of your imagination to think of those young women who perhaps didnt have their boundaries listened to as children? Those who had no-one modelling to them how they could enforce their own boundaries? Those who had their boundaries totally violated and therefore cant recognise when they have been overstepped as an adult and have no idea how to deal with that. Is that reall so hard for you to imagine. I'm one of those who sadly doesnt need to imagine due to a having an all too accurate memory, so forgive me if i'm asking too much of you.

Hygge · 22/07/2015 19:08

Nobody should be grabbing her at work.

I had this at her age. I worked in a pub kitchen and had all sorts of crap from male customers of all ages.

One of them pinned me against a wall and kissed me. Apparently as he didn't use his tongue it was just a 'friendly peck' and I shouldn't complain about it.

Same man used to grope at the staff, usually bums but sometimes breasts, and it was all just "him being him, he does it to everyone" and we shouldn't have objected because it didn't mean anything.

His wife used to see it and laugh it off. Until he left her for her best friend, then she realised it meant something.

I had customers grab my hand, and hold it really tight so I couldn't get away, and ask me out or tell me what they could do to me in bed.

I had one man grab my hand and lick it when I served him a pint and spilt some beer on my hand.

It's creepy and weird, and when it's happening to you you know the difference between banter and harassment.

Your daughter has every right to complain, and she needs the support of her manager. They are letting her down if they don't deal with it.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 19:14

Oh give me a break this man is calling her sexy and wishing he was with her blah blah its harassment what if he bumped into her in the street and did the same but of course everybody on this thread had ready to take on the world 18yr old daughters who knowvhow to handle lonely men hes harmless after all

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 22/07/2015 19:17

Your daughter should be clear with this man, don't let him touch her at all & if she's not comfortable with how he's speaking to her she needs to tell him so. His age or being lonely is no excuse for making her feel uncomfortable.

I work with the elderly - I've met some absolute gentlemen & I've also treated convicted paedophiles, sex offenders, murderers & general sleaze bags that made my skin crawl. I'd never tolerate being leered at just because the man was elderly.

Your daughter could tell him she is happy to serve him if he is polite but she doesn't wish physical contact from him or comments about her appearance. If he can't abide by this he can be served by someone else or leave. I remember being 17 and having to learn to assert myself at work & it's horrible - she needs support from her manager to back her up on this though.

RachelRagged · 22/07/2015 19:21

OP I feel for your daughter as I see a little of a late teenage me in her. Yes in her mind, looking younger than her years and the man doing and saying what he does, she could possibly see him as a paedophile , rather than perhaps a lonely man who don't see many people often.

Has your DD thought of assertiveness courses at all ? She could do with learning that if she is going to be working in retail

Scoobydoo8 · 22/07/2015 19:21

Well if she worked in a care home or was a trainee nurse I would imagine that she would be pestered and learn how to handle it.

She could say ' clear off Grandad' or put it more firmly but nowadays she has to complaint to management etc etc. Personally I'd get my DD to do the former using the 'firm' version in a v loud voice randy old git

Scoobydoo8 · 22/07/2015 19:22

If he is lonely why isn't he doing it to all the staff lonely FFS

RachelRagged · 22/07/2015 19:25

I don't know scooby doo , ,Im not saying he is right or wrong as it happens. FFS

RachelRagged · 22/07/2015 19:26

Some people get so aggresive so quick on here !

Scoobydoo8 · 22/07/2015 19:30

I'm annoyed that the poor frail little 18 year old must go to the big strong manager to fix her problem with a sleazy customer.

And that her DM is wringing her hands over the problem.

My god are women so feeble that the police have to be called because some sleazy bloke is making passes! AAAAArrrrrgggghhhh.

I'm just gobsmacked really.

SurlyCue · 22/07/2015 19:36

My god are women so feeble that the police have to be called because some sleazy bloke is making passes! AAAAArrrrrgggghhhh.

Some fucking are yes! Problem? Must we all be bloody battle axes? Fyi i would give exactly the same advice to any man as i have on this thread.

TruJay · 22/07/2015 19:40

Telling someone to toughen up isn't fair, some people can just tell people to fuck off, others can't, doesn't mean the girl should just accept this. No one except anyone she allows should be touching her and should not be making comments on her appearance regardless of his age.
When I worked in retail we had an elderly guy come in every bloody day and he'd always creep me out, I have an unusual name so he would pronounce it creepily and say shit to me. When I was pregnant he would always try and touch my bump and then once I'd given birth he would always talk to my colleagues about how beautiful my figure was after having the baby and isn't she gorgeous and try and touch my stomach. I hated it, I just used to remove myself from the situation and never got into conversation. A lot of the other staff used to encourage conversation as he was 'harmless'.
I feel sorry for your DD op, her manager really should be supporting her with this.

Scoobydoo8 · 22/07/2015 19:48

Must we all be bloody battle axes

No, good point.
What is also annoying me is that he is supposedly a harmless lonely old man which he isn't judging by his behaviour imv.

But the possibly easiest and quickest result might be by being short with him, if that hasn't been tried. That might be the best way for a quick result. Getting someone else to fix the prob doesn't help DD imv.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 22/07/2015 19:50

YY she's only 18, she doesn't know how to deal with it. I can remember not knowing either, because you're brought up to be polite and "good" and smile and stuff and if you haven't been exposed to this sort of thing you don't know how to deal with it and you learn as you get older. And maybe you don't.

It's sad that so many of the comments on here are blaming OPs daughter for not dealing with this as they think she should, and many providing excuses for the old man.

Surely the answer is that if she doesn't like it she shouldn't have to put up with it, and while old man might be lonely, he might also be relishing grabbing at a young woman who clearly doesn't like and and doesn't know how to deal with it. Loads of men love doing that, they don't stop when they get older, but maybe (as shown here) some of them get a "pass" to do it that they might not have when they were younger.

SurlyCue · 22/07/2015 19:53

Getting someone else to fix the prob doesn't help DD imv

Actually it does! It means she is being supported, it means she is being listened to, it means she is having her feelings validated, it means she being shown how to correctly deal with it, it means the onus is taken off her to correct someone else's unwanted and inappropriate behaviour.

Why on earth is it not ok to ask someone else, someone with greater authority and more experience, to do something we cannot do ourselves? Why is it not ok to ask for help? Why is sexual harassment a battle for women to tackle alone with no support?

Happfeet2911 · 22/07/2015 19:53

Thank god I was a bit more capable when I was her age, it was part and parcel of working in the late '70's and '80's! As for telling my mother, it never crossed my mind, plenty of witty put downs could be used to put various leches in their place, she is an adult after all.

SurlyCue · 22/07/2015 19:58

Ahh so we all just need to be a bit more "capable". Its our own silly faults for not being capable.

Breaking news: source of sexual harassment has been traced back to incapable women!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 22/07/2015 20:01

I'm annoyed that the poor frail little 18 year old must go to the big strong manager to fix her problem with a sleazy customer

She's an employee. It's not a 'big strong manager.' He is her employer. If it was a female manager, the same would apply.

There are too many comments on this thread that clearly believe that the way to tackle men targeting young girls and unwanted sexual behaviour, is to get teenagers to toughen up and deal with it.

So that makes it the woman's problem then?

And young women should stop being so feeble?

Men shouldn't be reported for unwanted sexual harassment because they're lonely, old or it's 'banter'?

Like I said upthread, some appalling and depressing responses.

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