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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:
Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 11:10

I don't know sooty, when you say 'this' I don't know what you're referring to specifically.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/07/2015 11:17

I think sooty means this amount of control. Is that something you saw between your parents and therefore, you think it's a normal relationship dynamic - it's not

DelphiniumBlue · 21/07/2015 11:18

My granny always said " there's no such thing as a free lunch". His gifts come with strings attached.
Im guessing that you are currently able to support yourself, and dont need to let him buy your favours. Imagine what this guy will be like when you have children and you really are financially dependent on him, ( no doubt about it, he will insist that you are a SAHM.)
If you don't stand up to him, he will get worse.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 11:21

I don't think so, my mum and dad never have shared much about their relationship though.

These replies have been really upsetting actually and I feel like people think I am horrible and I am only with him because he buys me nice things and that just couldn't be further from the truth, I care about him and I care about my friends but I have no self respect?

I think some people are trying to get me to think its serious and I do but don't be horrible about me!

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 21/07/2015 11:21

Can you honestly say he id a good man and good partner op? That your needs and wants are equal to his? Because good pattnerd dont want to make their lovef one choose, they dont make themselves the pinacle of the.persons existence and monopolise their time.

Everyone wants to spend as much time as possible with a loved dp. But they also want their dp hqppy with great friends and family. Your dp does not want this or he would not use the silent treatment, a form of abuse, or stropping to coerce you into doing as he wants and isolating you from support.

test him op if you think he is a good dp. Tell him you have the hen and hen see the manipulation guilting and possessiveness. Then come here and update and reread everything and see this man for who he truly is before you are stuck.

Btw I thought my friend's dp was awesome too until slowly and surely he isolated her and made her a broken shell of who she once was. A dp should make you greater as you should to them, not drag you down and have you finding ways to minimise. Given time op you will find yourself hard pressed to leave, to change and will cling to anything 'nice' because it will be all you have.

MrsHathaway · 21/07/2015 11:22

You don't need to ltb.

You do need to have a look at his transactional behaviour and ask yourself if you're happy to continue with it. If you would rather be very close to him and jettison your other relationships then that's fine but make it a positive decision rather than a falling away that you regret.

If on the other hand you want to stay as an autonomous human being (which we'd prefer for you) then it's only fair to both of you to set out your stall now, saying "I need to see my friends and family. I'll try to do that while you're working but sometimes that won't fit." That's a good compromise and one most people would recognise.

If he uses any transactional language such as "you owe me x" or "what do I get in return for y" then ask if he thinks he owns you or has bought you - you can do so smiling and laughing so it isn't confrontational, just highlighting an absurdity.

bigbumtheory · 21/07/2015 11:27

You arent horrible, people are worried for you and being blunt. Someone treating you poorly by sulking and silence and then buying you gifts is a massive red flag. Your treats are his way of paying for his behaviour, he justifies the possessiveness by buying them. Its not a lovely thing its a mind game and people want you to see it.

You arent horrible or a bad person, he is for fucking with your mind but only you can stop it bevause he wont, he'll get worse.

Hand on heart if you had dc, would you want their dps to act like yours? Would you not want them encouraging friendships and family support?

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 21/07/2015 11:27

He'll give you the silent treatment and get moody. He sounds like an arse.

Yabu, you should just he able to say 'oh it's the hen that weekend can we do another'. That's it.

pictish · 21/07/2015 11:27

Can i ask how long you've been together?

bigbumtheory · 21/07/2015 11:29

You arent horrible, people are worried for you and being blunt. Someone treating you poorly by sulking and silence and then buying you gifts is a massive red flag. Your treats are his way of paying for his behaviour, he justifies the possessiveness by buying them. Its not a lovely thing its a mind game and people want you to see it.

You arent horrible or a bad person, he is for fucking with your mind but only you can stop it bevause he wont, he'll get worse.

Hand on heart if you had dc, would you want their dps to act like yours? Would you not want them encouraging friendships and family support?

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 11:30

We've been together for 4 years but only married since April.
I do really love him, if he never bought me another thing for the rest of our lives I still would.

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 21/07/2015 11:30

OP your reading of the thread is completely different to mine. I don't see people saying you are with him because he buys you nice things. I see people saying be careful because despite buying you nice things he is controlling you with his moodiness and that is important.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 11:35

Maybe I got defensive then as it red that way to me :) but anyway that's not why I'm with him!

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 21/07/2015 11:35

OP people aren't trying to be horrible to you. They are just appalled at the way you are being treated by your husband. I was in a similar situation to you a long time ago and I kept thinking it was my fault and I had to change.

The thing is deep down I did know but I was just scared shitless of standing up to him. If you are being truly honest with yourself you probably know he is abusive but you are scared of standing up for yourself.

I don't doubt that he is kind to you when things are going his way but if you have different ideas to him he isn't that nice to you.

I know you will deny it but please research the behaviour of manipulative partners.

I am not trying to be horrible to you. I just see a young woman too scared to tell her husband that he got it wrong and too scared to tell him that you are going to the hen do which he knew about.

pictish · 21/07/2015 11:35

We know. We can tell. No one thinks you're horrible.

All things being normal, a well adjusted, respectful partner does not have a narcissistic tantrum when their oh goes out with his or her friends. What he is doing and the way he is doing it does not signal anything good.

Your problem isn't about whether or not you should lie, it's in feeling like you have to.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/07/2015 11:42

It's interesting that you read the replies as saying you're horrible when actually all the replies I've read have said he's horrible. Why do you think that is, that you feel the blame and fault is automatically yours, even though repeated posts say it's him?

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 11:43

Yes, I meant that level of control and manipulation.

No one's saying you're horrible. They are saying that his behaviour isn't that of a loving respectful partner.

HighwayDragon · 21/07/2015 11:49

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

He is telling you that your plans aren't important, your friends aren't important, your happiness isn't important, you belong to him.

You are hearing what he is saying but you aren't listening

TurnOverTheTv · 21/07/2015 11:49

Does he never go out with his friends?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 21/07/2015 11:50

It isn't about him buying you things, it's about him using the fact that he's buying you things as a means of controlling your behaviour.

Will you still love him in ten years time if you never get to spend time with your friends?

DoJo · 21/07/2015 11:52

I agree - nobody thinks you're with him because he buys you things; we are concerned that you feel that you have to do what he says because he buys you things. Nobody is accusing you of being after his money, we're accusing him of manipulating you into doing what he wants by spending money on you.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/07/2015 11:57

Oh dear op, I fear that your defensive response to the replies you've had is probably quite indicative of a lack of self esteem and the warped way in which you've come to view yourself and your relationship. You've had a few rather blunt replies which you've honed in on but you've had many, many more caring ones offering genuine and, in my view helpful advice. I don't think you're ready to hear the unpalatable truth and I am sorry that you won't hear the strength of a multitude of voices all saying the same thing. Of course you love him. That is the most difficult aspect of this - it's hard to face the fact that the person you love and who you believe loves you is potentially manipulating and controlling you. Most people in normal, happy and loving relationships do not feel they are walking on eggshells or feel the need to lie about something so innocuous as going to a hen party. Of course it's normal to discuss plans with your other half, but most of us do not feel guilty about our decisions or feel the need to hide things to prevent negativity and I'll feeling. That is not normal or healthy and even if you don't believe it's worth leaving him over, I do at least hope you will address the way his behaviour makes you feel.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 21/07/2015 12:31

OP, you know this situation isn't right, which is why you posted on here. Which shows that you still have the ability to get out if you need to. It's natural to go on the defensive for the person you love, even though deep down I think you know that what people are saying is true. He is being controlling.

He might not be doing this in a cynical way. I think a lot of behaviour sort of develops inadvertently if it isn't stopped, and people don't realise they're being controlling (and the person being controlled doesn't realise it either). Or he could be an abusive person you need to get away from. Either way, it needs to stop doesn't it?

So don't lie. Don't make it about whether you told him or not, because he will leap on that as a defense. Just say that it's the hen do and that's that. If he starts with the moods and so on, then tell him exactly what his behaviour is doing, and that you will not be controlled in this way, and needs to stop. You have a life apart as well as together, and it is not a competition between him and your friends. If he refuses to listen then surely that tells you all you need to know?

neverputasockinatoaster · 21/07/2015 12:40

OP, I am married to a man with Aspergers. He has a hobby that he gets quite focused on (for focused read obsessed!) and can have a tendency to make plans without consulting me.....
We have a massive planner on the wall and we both put events on the planner as soon as they are booked.
I am training for a big event at the moment and have blocked out chunks of several weekends to train. DH wanted to do something to do with his hobby this weekend and said so. I pointed out that my training was booked this weekend. He realised he'd committed the cardinal sin of not checking the planner and we had a chat and found a way round it.

I'm telling you this because this is how a lovely man would react. He didn't get arsey or give me the silent treatment and this is a man that can be exceptionally self absorbed and lacking in social graces. If he wanted me to do something and I had a previous plan I would say it sounded lovely but I had plans and we would find another time. At no point would I feel worried about his reaction.....

HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque · 21/07/2015 12:49

He's bought the right to dictate what you do and who you are allowed to see, and when. (in when he has no use for you, you may see your friends/do your own thing, when he is free you must make yourself available for his use).

All for some shoes and make up.

This is a very tragic thread.