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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 21/07/2015 09:41

You aren't creating the bad feeling by wanting to do things that don't include him. Most people would think "yeolde's away that weekend, I'll go to that antique shop that bores her / see if Steve fancies a pint".

Instead he says "she wants to spend time without me after I've worked sooooooooooooo hard waaaah".

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 21/07/2015 09:44

For God's sake don't have children with this man.

He is controlling and nasty, and he will ruin your life. Please please leave him, then you can spend your weekends with whoever you choose.

If you let him buy you, then what does that make you?

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 09:48

He's not buying me like that, it's just he likes to treat me. He can be really nice is all I'm saying.

OP posts:
GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 21/07/2015 09:48

He is terribly controlling. I agree that you should really reconsider this relationship.

What if you did exactly what wanted to and let him just deal with it? What would happen then?

pissedglitter · 21/07/2015 09:48

I hope it hasn't escaped your notice that the people sharing stories about relationships like this are using the word "EX"
Because no one can live like that and be happy

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 09:49

Once he's got you pregnant the repression and abuse will really start. And you will role.model that abuse to your children. You have a choice in that - they won't.
The hen weekend is only a small part of this. Leave him - if you place any value on yourself at all.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 21/07/2015 09:49

I agree with the others about you needing to tackle this.

HOWEVER,

On this occasion, i don't think the white lie will matter if it means you will get to enjoy both things properly.

But you really do need to make a promise to yourself to knock this behaviour of his on the head soon, because its only going to escalate and if you have kids, you'll find yourself isolated and cut off from your friends.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 21/07/2015 09:50

'can' be really nice. Not 'is' really nice.

If he was nice, he would treat you like an equal, not like a child to be bribed with presents, a doll to have on his arm whenever he chooses.

Get some self respect and make your own choices.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 09:50

Of course he's buying you.
And of course he can be really nice. That's how abusers work. Have you read any of the replies on here?

Nolim · 21/07/2015 09:51

He's not buying me like that, it's just he likes to treat me. He can be really nice is all I'm saying.

He likes to treat you and can be nice as long as you spend all your time with him.

You are treating yourself to a weekend with friends. Enjoy and dont let him ruin it.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 09:53

But now everyone's thinking I only care about money and that's just not what I'm like. He can't just 'get'me pregnant. I gave that as an example as that was the most recent one but he's so caring when I'm ill or have had a hard day or something.

OP posts:
reredos1 · 21/07/2015 09:54

Just don't go.

You will get grief even if it isn't your 'fault' because he has spent money on you therefore he is owed some time in return. That is your relationship. You do not go anywhere without him, you do not see anyone without him, you live how he wants. Because he is lovely, really, and buys you nice things. Suck it up.

You also need to accept that he will gradually reduce any time with others. You will be expected more and more to be at home at weekends even if he is working. You will see less of friends and family because the grief isn't worth it. It will get narrower. That is what you have chosen. Put stuff in place to deal with it. I suggest you take up a hobby you can hide from him.

MapleTownAndMe · 21/07/2015 09:55

It's not a treat if he's holding it against you and throws it back at you at a later date or you feel you must obey him because he spent money on you.

Thurlow · 21/07/2015 09:56

He sounds incredibly controlling. Even the way you describe how he buys you things.

Let's be honest, in a decent and equal relationship you don't say he can be really nice. It's more he can occasionally be an idiot - though preferably not even that.

I know this isn't what you posted for, but take heed of the many posters who have all had exactly the same response to what you have posted.

A "nice" man does not question why you might want to go away occasionally with your friends. A "nice" man does not consider that you are putting them over him.

NerrSnerr · 21/07/2015 09:57

I know it sounds like everyone is piling on but it's because of concern for you. It is not normal to have to lie about someone so trivial to avoid annoying him.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 09:57

He is deliberately ensuring that you subjugate yourself to him.
If you're looking to justify the way he behaves and your willingness to be manipulated and abused and not listen to anything anyone has to say that's your choice
Go and lie to enjoy your hen do and your great birthday. I hope the price is worth it in terms of your self respect and the welfare of any children you're thinking of having with this abuser.

ScoutRifle · 21/07/2015 09:58

It's funny how you chose the fact he buys you stuff as an example of how nice he is because that's not what I would say about my husband.
I would say that my husband was nice because when I was incredibly poorly he moved heaven and earth to look after me. He would put himself out if I asked.
He would actively encourage me to go away with my group of hobby friends who are all male because it's something I really wanted to do.
He would do anything for me.
That's how I would describe some of the nice things my husband does for me.
Anyone can buy another person stuff but it takes a really nice person to be able to put themselves out for another.
Good luck op because I know you are going to need it.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 09:59

I don't know what subjugate means.

OP posts:
Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 10:01

He does that as well Scout its just that most recent example was the one that came into my mind.

He has so many loving qualities it's just he loves me and wants to spend his free time with me and I do see the way he goes about doing this isn't right but actually leaving him seems so extreme? When I do love him and we've got such a future together and have had amazing times.

OP posts:
reredos1 · 21/07/2015 10:02

OP - I don't know what subjugate means

www.thefreedictionary.com/subjugate

subjugate (?s?bd????e?t)
vb (tr)

  1. to bring into subjection
  2. to make subservient or submissive
[C15: from Late Latin subjug?re to subdue, from Latin sub- + jugum yoke] subjugable adj ?subju?gation n ?subju?gator n

hth

If it's your choice, go for it.

Thurlow · 21/07/2015 10:02

Subjugate means "bring under domination or control".

I'll put it another way. If this situation arose with my OH - who equally works weekends quite a lot - then I would say "I can't, it's Katie's hen do this weekend so I'll be away Friday to Sunday evening" and he would say "that's a shame but nevermind, when's the next weekend we can go away?" And then we might have a conversation about getting a shared calendar or pinning one on the wall so we can write these things down.

And I bet you every other poster on this thread will agree that that is how the conversation would go.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/07/2015 10:03

Op nobody is saying you only care about money. They are saying that if he were truly nice he wouldn't put conditions on you like "I've spent all this money on you, you owe me your loyalty above anyone else". They are saying that spending money and then making demands is a pattern of behaviour and that if you look deeper than this hen do you'll see that pattern of behaviour with more clarity.

RiverTam · 21/07/2015 10:04

When does he see his own friends and family if he's spending all his free time with you?

sticklebrickstickle · 21/07/2015 10:05

Okay so he can be nice, he can be caring and he likes to treat you.

But honestly, do you feel like you are an equal in the relationship? Do your opinions, thoughts and wants matter as much as his? Or are things only good and is he only nice when you are doing what HE wants to do? The fact sometimes what he wants to do is spoil you doesn't matter if he can't be nice and instead sulks and causes arguments if you don't follow his plans. That is controlling.

Really from what you are saying it really does not sound like your H respects you or sees you as an equal. He seems to see you as something he possesses and should be able to control as he wants.

I really think you need to reconsider this relationship because, as others have said, it's only likely to get worse.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 10:06

loving qualities
I don't think you understand what that means.