To tell a white lie to DH

[yeoldeoaktree]

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

Just tell him you're going. Ignore any passive aggressive sulking and if he days a variation of 'But what about meeeeeee?' say breezily 'Don't be ridiculous. I'm going.' The end. It takes two to give this dynamic life. Refuse to take part. He'll either come to his senses or you'll see a massive display of cockery. You can decide your next move based on that. Life is too short to be someone's pet.

Your DH sounds like a 12 year old. Immature. If you agreed to spend the weekend with someone ages ago, a last minute deal doesn't trump that commitment

I'm sorry OP but I feel really sad for you that you having planned to go on a friend's hen weekend will cause arguments and such bad feelings.

That's really unacceptable for him to make you feel like that. How he makes you feel is far, far more important than the bits and bobs he buys you/pays for you.

My personal view is that you should quite simply state in a matter of fact, non-confrontational way that you're going on the hen weekend as arranged. IF, as you suspect, he gets stroppy, gives you the silent treatment etc, I would seriously consider if I wanted to continue to be with this man if I have to spend my whole life doing exactly as he wants or being made to feel bad if I don't. Not a recipe for a happy life.

He's normally very mature I think he's being stupid as well.

The deal is that if you are nice to him, he is nice to you.

If you do something like spend time with other people, he is not nice to you.

That is how it is, suck it up. Don't lie.

He sounds a lot like my brothers Ex-Wife.

you should go look up Narcissist, he has the aroma of one!

I too advise going with the lie. For now.

Then you need to do some reading on controlling relationships and emotional and psychological abuse. You will find that lavish gifts and proclamations of love can feature as an abusive tool to confuse and disable the victim into thinking their controller loves them really.
Like I said before, if he was horrible all the time you'd just up and leave, so he needs to balance out his possessiveness with something twinkly and distracting...like a new car, shopping trips, words of depth and romance.
Interestingly, I note he uses those things to distract and manipulate, while further controlling you. "With everything I do for you you'd rather go out with your friends?" "I pay for everything!" "I just want to be with you, but you don't feel the same." "I love you more than you love me." "Boo hoo hoo...woe is poor, unloved me."

He fundamentally believes he is buying the ownership rights to your autonomy.

Once he has you distancing yourself from your friends (which you will and are probably doing already...you can't cook up lies like this every time you want to see them against his wishes. In the end you'll just stop bothering with them because it's easier than facing his wrath) he'll start on your family and anyone else he considers as being close to you and possibly having some influence on you or being a source of support.
Isolation is coming. It's happening now.

Once you're on your own with him, your life will be Hell. Mark my words.

If you don't believe me, or think I'm being melodramtic, do the research yourself.

And whatever it takes, go to that hen do - you want to keep your friends close and you have every right to, no matter what King Dick there has to say about it. It's not. his. decision.

Like others in this thread I've both been here and done this. It will get worse for you OP, and it will happen gradually and each individual instance seems trivial and not worth leaving over. But please, whatever you decide about this one occasion, try to read what people are telling you and try to see what he himself is showing you. This man is controlling and the way you live is not the way it has to be. My life today is unimaginably better than it was 10 years ago - I never knew how living, supportive and relaxed a happy marriage could be. Please don't leave it too long to see what's happening to you.

How does he pay for everything if you're earning too?

I think some of the posts on here must have been painful to read, OP, and I hope you are OK. .

I really think you need to be brave and calmly say "I can't go this weekend, it's really kind of you to want to take me away, but it's Xs hen weekend, remember?"

He'll either be fine about it, in which case, problem solved. I sometimes get all worked up about "disappointing" people, only to find them to be completely understanding.

Or, he'll sulk and strop, in which case you'll know that some of the advice/predictions on here are valid, and you can think about what you want to next. If you choose to accept that sort of behaviour, you'll be setting a precedent for the rest of your relationship. If you stand up for yourself now, you'll be stating clearly that you won't be walked all over.

I think you need to see the nice gifts etc. as a red herring - some of the most abusive people I've known can be generous with gifts. I'm not suggesting he's abusive, I don't even know you, just saying that nice gifts do not equal love and care.

Good luck

You should think very carefully before giving up work to look after any children you have. After all then he will be earning all the moey and his expectations that you are their for his convenience will only grow.

For goodness sake, do you not see how many people have told your husband is controlling, not nice, not a good husband because this is not how good husbands treat their wives?

Buying you things is not being nice, your husband is buying your compliance and obedience!

The reason people keep mentioning money is that all the examples you've given of his being nice involve buying stuff. Can you think of when he's been nice by eg paying you a compliment or listening to you?

we've got such a future together - even assuming he's lovely, if he likes to spend all his free time as a couple and you like to see friends and wider family at least sometimes, then you are mismatched and there will be comfort or upset. At present this seems to be addressed by your giving in and I can't see how that's a long term solution that will make you happy.

You deserve to be happy, by the way.

If you can't accept what people on here are saying op, please read this and ask yourself how much of this applies to your situation:

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html

Is the plane ticket actually booked, OP?

So - are you going to tell the truth and tell him he must treat you like an adult who decides where to spend her time?

And how, how, how can you think you've got 'such a future'? A future of what - him being nice to you provided you do as you're told? Will that extend to your children?

When you said your friends and family think he's great mostly, what did you mean? Has anyone expressed reservations? Do they know that he will give you 'the silent treatment' if you spend a weekend without him? How do you think they would feel about him if they did know that?

he's so caring when I'm ill or have had a hard day or something.

That's not something exceptional that buys him the right to demand that he gets his own way the rest of the time. Any partner should be caring and look after their loved ones when they are ill or having a bad day. He should want to do that because he loves you and he wants you to feel better, not because it means that he has something to hold against you when you want to enjoy yourself without him in the future.

I get that you love him, but even your examples of why you love him all centre on the way he can be, when it suits him. Nothing you have posted suggests that he genuinely wants the best for you, or that he would sacrifice a moment of his own happiness for yours, whereas you seem to be in the position of putting his needs first a lot.

If you wanted to go away and he had a prior engagement, how would that play out? Would he dance around, changing plans and worrying about how to tell you that he was otherwise occupied, or would he just go and let you deal with the consequences?

I'm going to start by saying I do not in any way think you're a gold digger/ only in it for the "trinkets" & money. Its important you understand that's not what I'm getting at here. So this quote:
He has bought me a lovely car, we went shopping last week and he paid for everything, he wouldn't even let me use my card and got me loads of expensive makeup and shoes. ~So when he does so much for me I feel like I am being unreasonable in not wanting to do every little thing with him.~

This quote says an awful lot more than you seem to realise. You are not in it for the money and the nice things but honestly he is buying you. Firstly - buying things is making you think he's nice, Secondly, and most importantly, it makes you feel like you owe him something - You never, and I really mean never, should feel obligated or that you owe someone because they buy you presents. A true present, a true gift, is one where someone buys something for you and expects nothing in return and would never let you feel like you owed them anything in return. If they allow there to be the feeling of obligation - that you should or shouldn't do something- because they are "nice" and bought you gift then, they are in all honesty, buying you.

DH comes from a family like that. They are cruel and manipulative but come across as wonderful at first sight. They have plenty of money and think nothing of throwing it (metaphorically of course) at people, then having an expectation for the person to do x, y and z because they were "so good to you". They expect you to behave and do as they please because of it. They can cleaverly and discretely drop out bits about the things theyve bought you, money theyve given to other people, to show everybody how lovely they are. Its not love. Its not even being nice, good or kind. Its buying people plain and simple.

I'm beginning to think that this is a wind up.Surely no one can be this naive.Just in case it is for real I'll bet OP will cancel the hen do in favour of a lovely indulged birthday weekend with her loving and giving DH.

Sorry about all the typos!

I don't think you're motivated by money OP...not at all. I think you're dazzled by him somewhat and enjoy his generous-seeming spirit, which is not the same as wanting 'stuff'.

I think you sound nice and loved up and worth ten of him.

OP, please read all the replies carefully and have a good think about your relationship with your DH. It's worrying that he thinks you need to prove your devotion to him by being available when he wants you. He sounds childish and unkind. Sulking, moodiness and 'the silent treatment' are all ways of punishing you. That is not the behaviour of a nice or loving person.

The fact that you think he is a great guy when he not trying to punish you is irrelevant isn't it.

Having kids puts a huge stress on a lot of relationships. Why would you choose a partner that you have to manage and be careful with. Why would you risk putting a child into the mix.

I believe people can mature and change their behaviour so I'm not saying LTB but I am saying that you should be very careful and you should think long term.

I find it weird that you talk about him buying you things so much. It sounds an unbalanced relationship.

How old are you and how old is your partner? How long have you been married?

So you have to do what he wants because he buys you stuff?

So does he just buy stuff to treat you, do you ask for any of this stuff? My abusive ex used to shower me with unasked for presents, it was their way of saying 'look how good I am to you', when I wanted to do something on my own though there would be hell to pay.

I'm not winding people up, why would I do that? It's just you need to see it from my point of view. I married someone and that's not the sort of thing you do when you're not committed to someone, and he likes us to spend weekends together and gets moody when we can't. I agree that it isn't good but at the same time not leaving him because of it doesn't mean I'm naive or winding people up.

So were you brought up in a family setting where this kind of behaviour was considered normal?