Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:
WhatifIdid · 21/07/2015 18:49

I think the OP has probably fled. It is very hard to hear after, what, 3 months of marriage that your dh is emotionally abusive.

I bet the dh hasn't got any friends. That his family are distant and not very close with him.

The ex will be the one who caused their break up and is mad/a bitch/unreasonable/stupid/a whore.

He will be about 12 years older than OP and quite possibly former boss/senior.

He will be outraged if OP disagrees with him over anything but the most trivial things. She will not be loving enough/not love him enough.

She will never refuse him sex. If she tries to he will wheedle or sulk.

He will never apologise.

Hellionsitem2 · 21/07/2015 19:09

He reminds me of my first boyfriend. Never wanted me to have a life apart from him. Always saw my projects/relatives/friends as something that got in the way, rather then something that enriched my life and created balance. Behaved like a sulky child

TheWernethWife · 21/07/2015 19:22

The words "Just a bird in a gilded cage" spring to mind reading all this

1Morewineplease · 21/07/2015 20:15

OP... You are making excuses for him and, most importantly, you are lying to yourself!!!
My heart bleeds for you!!!

Oldoaketree · 21/07/2015 20:32

Ok so I can't log in Hmm

I just went on google for the bird in the glided cage and that's so unfair I didn't marry him for money. We are comfortable but not rich.

I will think about what you've said thankyou.

TurnOverTheTv · 21/07/2015 20:51

I'll ask again, when does he go out with his friends?

Oldoaketree · 21/07/2015 20:55

He goes out during the week, sometimes.

RiverTam · 21/07/2015 21:02

And when does he see his family? Do you go out with friends together?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 21/07/2015 21:13

Can't log in why I wonder.

MNHQ? I'll report my own post.

TheWernethWife · 21/07/2015 22:12

Sorry if I upset you OP - my meaning of Bird in a gilded cage meant someone who lived in "a luxurious/well off manner" but did not have any freedom, hence the gilded/golden prison. Was not suggesting you married for money at all, did not mean to suggest that.

Hellion7433 · 21/07/2015 22:36

I (like others) originally assumed that you'd not married for the cash/spends. However you seem to be banging on about that specific point a lot and protesting (without people pointing the finger!) which now makes me wonder if you really do like the cash/spends after all.

However OP you are being bought. Sulking and being so unreasonable isn't normal in a good relationship.

wafflyversatile · 21/07/2015 23:00

So he only has every other weekend off so he wants to make the most of them by you two having them together? How is he when you have a hen do or some other engagement on weekends when he is working? I can see how he'd want ideally for your other social engagements to fit in with his work pattern but life isn't always so neat.

I think you should say that 'actually I've just checked and I'm already booked to go to Muriel's hen do so we can't go away that weekend after all. It's a shame but we can go away x weekend instead.

Then when he says but you didn't tell me say you did ages ago but didn't make the connection when he suggested going away. If he says you are choosing them over him you say that you are not but you have committed to going to the hen do. He's your husband but it's also important not to let friends down either and this was arranged first. And what you said here about wanting to enjoy the hen do and your birthday so don't want any moodiness. Be clear that he is responsible for souring them if he continues to be moody, not you for sticking to your plan. You can go away another weekend and it will be lovely. If he does behave in a way that spoils your birthday then you call him out on it.

If he brings up buying you stuff, you say that that as lovely as it is of him to do that it doesn't make you beholden to him. Sometimes there will be clashes and that's just how it is, it's not sidelining him or your marriage.

If he's in the huff about it for more than a day before getting over his disappointment and regrouping then maybe you have to think if this is maybe a bigger problem.

Does he socialise with friends a lot?

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2015 23:41

OP to put it simply, your husband is an arsehole.

HotBurrito1 · 22/07/2015 07:58

Oak your marriage is so much in the early days that it's really important how little crap you accept at this stage. You are both setting patterns and establishing boundaries. If you are to survive as a couple, you owe it to yourself to not accept any sulking or manipulation.

Do not be at his beck and call. Don't lie for a quiet life or this will become a pattern too.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page