To tell a white lie to DH

[yeoldeoaktree]

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

I don't think you're horrible, or only after money sweetheart, of course you're not. . But I do agree with whatsthatcomingoverthehill - I think you know something is not quite right.

Of course you love him, but the early years of marriage take negotiation and learning to compromise. Don't lie, give your DH the opportunity not to be an arse about your weekend, by being up front about it.

Maybe, like me, (and I'm massively hypothesising here) one of your adult role models did blow up if they weren't the centre of everything, and that's made you naturally cautious? I used to tie myself in knots trying to avoid upsetting people, only to find out that they wouldn't have been upset if I'd just said what I wanted or thought. Maybe your DH had a role model who taught him that the way to be "manly" was through spending every minute together and showering a partner with gifts? Both of those scenarios can be changed if you communicate.

But you do have to be brave and truthful- maybe he'll be lovely about it. If not, then you can think again. I'm a bit worried about the practicalities of your fib as well; if you haven't yet got a ticket, how will you tell him the flight time etc?

Chin up OP, I know some of the response are hard to read but we only want to help. You can sort this out, and hopefully your marriage will be even stronger for it.

This sounds so much like someone I was friends with once that I've done several double takes throughout this thread - however some details don't match so I don't think you are her but possibly her younger sister - to the point that I've namechanged to protect her and my privacy!

Her husband was a controlling ass from the start but she just would not see it and kept glibly insisting that she could "manage" the situation and that it "didn't matter" because he was, honestly, "really, really nice."

It isn't impossible to leave a bad relationship when you have children, but it is remarkably more difficult to do so because it in effect ties you to that person forever and controlling men are not people you want to be tied to for the rest of your life.

You are young now (I imagine) and you have time to turn this situation around.

It's not about the money, I don't see that anyone is saying that - certainly not from your perspective.

However, it is about someone sulking because you're not spending all your time together.

You're married. Of course that means you want to spend a lot of your time together. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't see other people.

This is a hen do, presumably of a close friend. This is the kind of thing that people go to, no matter how much you love your spouse and how much they are your best friend.

What people are trying to say is that his sulks because you want to spend time with someone else are really not healthy.

He may not be doing this in a deliberately controlling way. We certainly don't know anywhere near enough about your relationship to pass judgement.

But it's not healthy within a relationship to sulk because your partner wants to go to the important event of a close friend.

No one is saying LTB. But they are saying this needs to be a conversation, and you need to make him see that putting you in a position where you are considering lying to him just to be able to see your friends is not appropriate.

Good posts thurlow and what'sthat.

So what happens if you arrange things at the weekend that involve your family?

Does he ever see his?

I don't think he forgot. This is a test to see who you'll choose.

If you don't mind me asking what's the age difference between you? Or how old are you and how old is he? Does he have a previous wife or kids?

You don't see many threads on MN that have such a strong consensus of opinion.

Nobody thinks your horrible or anything like you think posters dont want you miserable in your marraige posters want you to be confident to go to this hen do without walking on eggshells thats all, gifts and being cherished and loved are all great but these things come with conditions set out by your husband and that isn't right.

Sweetheart, this is as i suspected. marriage or getting PG are often triggers for controlling behaviour.

Presents/gifts etc are only gifts when they come without expectation or demands in return, or as a means for you stop being you and start doing what he expects in return.

YOU know that the gifts are not what you are in this relationship for, but HE is using gifts and trinkets to guilt you into thinking you are indebted to him somehow. it's CLASSIC controlling behaviour.

the sulking is starting, the not letting it drop, the verbal punishment, the guilting.

there is a script with this stuff, if you don't refuse to accept being controlled, it will increase, and escalate. in the end he could use silent treatment/stonewalling (ignoring your existence for weeks/months until he deems you having suffered enough) he will transform from guilting you and then work up to getting verbally abusive of you. over time he could graduate to physical.

What you do now will be crucial in the survival of your relationship. You need to state to him that you have agreed to go on the hen weekend, that you are going to honour it and that you will go on the groupon weekend another time. If he is going to sulk, admonish or make you suffer as a result, then he may as well write off the expense now, because you won't go.

Calmly inform him that you and he are equal partners in your marriage and that he has a right to make arrangements with his friends, as do you. It's not healthy or acceptable to demand or expect a partner to cancel their plans every time.

show what you will and will not accept. be firm and calm and you might just pull this around. Make sure he knows that this is non negotiable and you will walk if he carries on like this as it's not what a normal and healthy relationship is like.

My love, every single one of us here is 'on your side', your instincts have told you to post here, and they have served you well. Keep posting as you come to terms with what has been said here, i know it's come as an almighty shock.

Love is allowing the other person to be themselves, to fly and soar to their heights, not to clip their wings and chain them.

If you love someone you let them free.

I meant to say...

I lived like this with a controlling man, I had a super jewellery collection, but every single piece was tainted somehow.

I used to have to tell him little white lies, it worked, but it's putting a plaster on a gaping wound. it isn't right to have to lie to avoid repercussions. the repercussions shouldn't be there in the first place.

This is the issue you need to face love.

Im not going to go into to much detail but ive got to know a woman who has an ex like this they have children and he is still manipulating her through the children paying for the activities etc and insisting they still have family time even though they are seperated its heartbreaking to hear about she is miserable

This is worrying op :(

How will he cope if you have kids and naturally they become the priority?

Do you have a job? How do you think he would be with money if you were dependant on him e.g. After having children?

No one is saying you are with him because he buys you things.

But it looks like he buys you things as an expression of his love. When actually an equal relationship without the sulking and silent treatment is a much better expression of love. And that if you have the former without the latter, it's not much good on its own. And that it's also a form of control because you can't get mad at someone who is so generous.

I volunteer at a charity that supports women who currently are (or have previously) suffered from domestic violence. Your situation worries me, and is similar to stories I have heard at work about how the abuse starts. There is every chance that if you got pregnant his behaviour and controlling would escalate. Please please please read up about controlling men and abusive relationships (I recommend Lundy Bancroft) before it's too late. You have nothing to lose.

OP you posted what you thought was a simple question and suddenly you're on the receiving end of suggestions and advice that you weren't expecting. I doubt I can say anything that hasn't already been said, but for what it's worth I'll add my bit:

Almost everything you've said was part of my own 'script' when I was married. I thought my ex husband had my best interests at heart. By the time I realised I could no longer be with him I was isolated from both family and friends. I didn't know who I was because all I knew was how to be for him. Since I've been with my new partner I've come to understand what being loved in an equal relationship actually means. I think it was Hissy who said it upthread; my new partner has gone out of his way to support me in finding out who I am, by encouraging me to have friendships, to go for a job I never thought I could do (but turns out I'm damn good at) giving me time and space to make my own decisions about things that effect me, I could go on and on. My XH clipped my wings, my DP has allowed me to fly.

Please think really carefully about everything posters are saying. MN can be a tough place at times but believe me, when it comes to controlling relationships we know what we're talking about.

I was with an emotionally abusive ex and people are telling you that there are red flags galore in your relationship because they have been there and understand that whilst in the thick of it, you can't see that he is abusive. Abusers create a smokescreen around you so you're confused and think that unacceptable behaviour is fine.

My ex wasn't threatened by my friends and family but became abusive after we had kids and the number one focus had to become them rather than him. Your h is threatened by a hen party which is a one-off event unlike kids who are 24/7 forever.

I have a physical calendar on the kitchen wall and my kids are trained to look and write events on it.

I've just read the whole thread and I'm a bit to be honest. Your DH is emotionally abuse OP - as many many PP's have said. I don't need to handle my husband or be wary of his moods/silences and he doesn't attempt to make me choose between him and/or my mates. He's a shift worker and only has rare weekends off. As we have dcs too, thankfully my DH is a grown up and not an over grown kid himself. As long as you put up with his abuse behaviour, that's what you'll get. You only get what you are prepared to put up with .

You aren't listening. You aren't ready to listen. It takes people a different amount of time to be able to see and admit what is really going on.

No amount of posters here telling you is going to help you right now. You can't help someone who is not ready to be helped.

OP, think about saving this thread so you can come back to it when you feel ready to face things. MN will always be here to walk you through it too.

He will try to ruin you, so I hope that it is sooner rather than later that you will be ready to admit what he is like.

'so you are saying you'd rather get drunk with Maggie and Jodie than chill out with me after I've had a hard week paying for everything'

But if you work, he hasn't been paying for everything, has he? Do you call him on that sort of statement?

I don't see how you can say you think he's mature when he's liable to sulk for ages and make your life difficult just because you choose to honour a previous commitment.

I don't subscribe to the LTB bandwaggon. But I do think you need to tell him that (1) you have a prior commitment that you told him about and that you feel it would be wrong to go back on that; (2) that it isn't a matter of preferring to be with other people, it's a simple matter of keeping to normal social rules; (3) normal married people do have the occasional social engagement without each other, it doesn't mean they don't love their spouse, that they don't care about them, or anything of that sort; (4) normal married people don't try to insinuate that the other person somehow owes them or has to do what they want all the time purely because they earn more; (5) normal adults don't sulk and argue for days if they don't get their own way; and (6) if he loves you, he would not begrudge you having one weekend away when it's not your fault he's unavailable the following weekend and you can always do the weekend away the week after that.

Then go away, enjoy the weekend, come back and tell him you've enjoyed it even though you've missed him. And if he goes into the sulks about it at all, tell him he really needs to grow up, sulking won't get him anywhere and if he carries on you will ignore him. And yes, if he still sulks and argues, tell him that it will give you no choice but to re-evaluate whether there is a future in a relationship where he can't deal with this type of issue maturely.

Please take a look at these links OP

thecoupleconnection.net/articles/is-your-partner-too-controlling

www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationship

OP does he have friends? Does he meet up with mates at weekends? Does he do any social activities like biking, pubbing, dog walking with friends? Is his social life balanced? Does he value his friends?

He's 'buying you' through buying you stuff. He doesn't respect you or your commitments or your need for a balanced social life. He wants to dominate you

OP I think you've been sucked in by him.

What's his relationship with others like? What happened in his previous relationships?

When you say others mostly like him? Who doesn't and why?