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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:

RiverTam · 21/07/2015 09:15

OP, forget about the bloody hen weekend. Can't you see that this is all much bigger than that?

I would be very interested to know what your family and friends think if your H (no D from me, I'm afraid).

Only1scoop · 21/07/2015 09:15

Yes

"Can't be next weekend I'm away for friends hen do....can you do the one after?"

colafrosties · 21/07/2015 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 21/07/2015 09:17

Also, do you work, OP?

sticklebrickstickle · 21/07/2015 09:19

Yes. I think you need to just tell him. However you shouldn't stand for arguments. I would make it clear that you are not going to stand down on this no matter how much he sulks. I would also tell him that if he is the sort of man who is going to cause an argument every time you make plans without him you will be reconsidering whether he is the sort of man you want to be with.

If he still does want to cause an argument then I think you need to think about whether you want to continue living with this controlling behaviour. Personally? I would be leaving him.

Only1scoop · 21/07/2015 09:19

You say he'd 'forgot'
Or have you just not wanted to bring it up and show any excitement towards it?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/07/2015 09:20

If you lie, you are basically accepting that he is more important than both you and your friend and that you two should miss out in order to stop your DH having a strop.

That is not acceptable and whatever the fallout, you need to put yourself higher on your own list of priorities even if your DH won't.

Tell him this has been planned for ages, your weekend away hasn't.

You had already committed to this, not to your weekend away.

This relies on other people being free at the same time, your weekend away doesn't.

This is a once in a lifetime (hopefully!) event for your friend, your weekend away isn't.

This takes precedence over your weekend with him, not because you don't love him enough, or getting pissed is more important than spending time with him, but because it is an important event for a close friend which can't be moved and which you have already committed to. If he doesn't understand/care about that then LTB.

pissedglitter · 21/07/2015 09:21

Shut up about your bloody birthday your an adult Ffs!! Or are your scared you will miss out on a lovely big trinket

Tell him your going, the weekend away together will need to be another time
If he huffs just go out a bit more those days so he can see it's not bothering you and you won't put up with it
Or tell him if he acts like a child he can sleep in the spare room as you don't share your bed with a child

colafrosties · 21/07/2015 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 21/07/2015 09:21

Please listen to everyone op. If he was a nice man you wouldn't even be considering lying. Just because he flashes the cash doesn't make him a good man. A good man doesn't make his wife worried to tell the truth.

He's a bully and if you have children it will get worse. Personally I think you need to considering your relationship, what you're describing is not normal at all.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/07/2015 09:21

and btw, if he uses you going away as a reason to be horrible to you about your birthday you should definitely LTB, he sounds manipulative and controlling.

Georgethesecond · 21/07/2015 09:22

Yes, you should just tell him you are going. Because you need this relationship not to be based upon him controlling you and being lovely to you as long as you do exactly what he wants you to. Things will get so much worse if you bring children in to a relationship like this, you need to see now whether you can change it. Bullies often back down if you square up to them. You need to make sure he does, and that you can get things on an equal footing. Because if he doesn't that is not a good relationship, not at all.

IrenetheQuaint · 21/07/2015 09:26

Think about how you would behave if you fancied going away with your DH one weekend but it turned out he'd agreed to go on a friend's stag. You might be a bit disappointed but would you really give him the silent treatment?

DuchessFanny · 21/07/2015 09:30

I don't think he's forgotten OP.
He's engineered a shopping spree and a groupon week end away so that he can make you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with your friends .. He knows exactly what he's doing !!

pictish · 21/07/2015 09:31

He certainly hasn't forgotten about the hen do.

ltk · 21/07/2015 09:32

If going to a hen do that you have already committed to AND even told him about is going to cause an argument, then what you have here is a fucked up relationship. I realise you are not ready to see that and it is going to take a deeper dive into this abusive man's control before you see it. So here's my advice:

Do not have children with this man.
Keep posting as these situations crop up (and they will). This board can help you keep perspective about him until you are ready to LTB.

CrispyFern · 21/07/2015 09:32

Basically I think you ought to leave him. But you don't seem to be asking about that for some reason, so yes, lie.
Careful you don't get caught because then you'll be the bad one! Even though he is clearly horrible and you have been driven to believing that you should have to have an excuse to want to spend time with friends.

"It's just awful. Sorry darling, I HAVE to go to this nice event with my friends. It isn't my fault! I'll make it up to you!"

Not. Normal.

Original poster

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 09:33

My friends and family mostly think he's great.

It's not about wanting trinkets, I work and my income isn't as good as his but it's fairly well paid and has good prospects, I just want there not to be an argument or bad feeling between us for an entire weekend!

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 21/07/2015 09:36

But you aren't the one creating it, he is. Tell him about the hen. And get a calendar in the kitchen. Then think about whether you allow him to manipulate you in order to keep the peace.

DoreenLethal · 21/07/2015 09:37

And the common denominator to this is...being with someone who won't cause arguments or bad feelings between you for an entire weekend.

I suspect he does know it's the weekend you were planning on going on the hen, he snuggled that bit of info down and is deliberately booking it seeing how close you get before you crack.

KatoPotato · 21/07/2015 09:37

My ex used to be a complete arsehole in the lead up to any social event I had coming up. He made me fear the build up so much that I'd start not accepting invites etc to avoid any conflict.

When I finally saw sense and left him and met my now DH I decided to set the rules from the start. I confidently declared to him I was going on a night out... 'Cool, hope you enjoy yourself!' He said sincerely!

I was so used to the fuss and passive aggression I was expecting it from everyone, but it's not the way a decent partner would act OP

MrsHathaway · 21/07/2015 09:39

I just want a fun time without it being political in some way.

This is a totally legitimate want and need. In most relationships it's also a given. Most partners support the other in having fun (assuming it doesn't take rent money from the budget or something). That's the norm against which posters are measuring your relationship.

He doesn't care mind what you do when he's busy, but he wants you at his beck and call when he isn't busy. He thinks that's give and take but it isn't. You've learned to show him love by being available (does he also sulk if you don't feel like sex?) and putting him ahead of everyone else at every opportunity but there's more to it than that.

SavoyCabbage · 21/07/2015 09:40

Your friends and family aren't going to think,he's great for long as he is going to alienate you from every one by stopping you doing things with anyone but him.

It's not normal to ask the person you love to not do things with their friends to prove that they love them more.

When you love someone, you want them to enjoy themselves. When my child is invited to a party, I drive her halfway across town and then sit outside in the carpark for an hour and a half. I don't say to her 'so you'd rather spend time with Sunil than me would you? I wanted us to play snakes and ladders but you have chosen him over me'.

ladygaga1980 · 21/07/2015 09:40

OP, I haven't read whole thread, but I can tell you from experience, this man is going to ruin your life, if you let him.

DoJo · 21/07/2015 09:41

Please don't have children with him. I can just imagine your poor kids learning that nothing Daddy says or does can be questioned because he pays for everything, and more miserable people in the world bowing down to the whims of someone who 'can be nice' but chooses not to when it interferes with his desire to put himself first.

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