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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 08:51

I notice you picked out my comment when it's pretty obvious other people share my opinion.

He thinks possessions buy him a wife who does as he says. And it appears he's right.

Do you come from a family where your father thought the same?

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:51

Of course he can be lovely controlling abusive people are not nasty all the time if they were you would have backed right off this controlling abusive side is making you wary of him he might not even realise how weird he is being (doesnt make it right though)

ARunOfThings · 21/07/2015 08:52

If DH wants to do something at the weekend, he asks me, and if it suits and I fancy doing it I say yes, and if it doesn't suit i say no, and if it suits but I don't fancy it then we talk about it to see whether we'll do it or not. That's how these things work.

Sometimes I even cancel existing plans with him if something else comes up... "Hey, I know we were many to have a picnic this Saturday, but Cathy has just phoned to say she's flying over this weekend and would like to meet up on Saturday afternoon. It's the only chance I'll have to see her for another 6 months. How about we have the pudic on Sunday instead?" and DH will consider it and often say yes, unless the existing plans can't be moved (eg we've paid for tickets).

That's how things should function in a mutually respectful relationship. He'll do the same when organising things - we both have equal say, and we both negotiate.

He also buys me nice things, but that has no bearing on how we spend our weekends.

Your relationship does sound difficult, OP. Please take people's advice and at least talk it through with a friend or on the Relationships board.

pictish · 21/07/2015 08:53

Well isn't he just ghastly?!

OP, the rest of us go on hen dos, nights out, weekends away and day trips with our friends without any of the shit you have to go through. We just say yes or no as suits us - not our partners...ourselves.
Because that's what the autonomy of being an adult is all about you see?

You can convince yourself yourself it's all motivated by love if you want, but that won't make it true. He is driven by control.
He thinks you're his possession. Or at the most, a bit like a dog - with him as your master.
You were put on this earth to please him, not yourself. That's how he sees it.

I predict utter misery ahead for you.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 08:54

Sorry sooty I didn't mean to be rude Blush its just I thought you were saying I didn't have self respect and I do, I am normally strong and I will stand up to him but sometimes I just want a fun time without it being political in some way.

I just want him to see I love him loads and he's my priority but that doesn't mean other people don't matter.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 21/07/2015 08:54

He's showing you what he really is. Don't ignore this.

pissedglitter · 21/07/2015 08:56

He sounds like a control freak
Please don't have children with him
Seriously think about your future as this will only get worse as time goes on

WilburIsSomePig · 21/07/2015 08:56

OP I'm sorry if this is personal and please don't answer if you think it's too intrusive; do you love him? If so, why do you love him? Are you happy to continue with the way things are or do you feel you would be happier if your relationship was more flexible? I really feel for you.

pictish · 21/07/2015 08:57

All controllers are 'really nice, really lovely' when they're getting their own way. It's when they're not they tend to get nasty. Just as you describe OP.

I mean, if he's was horrible all the time you'd just up and leave, right?

No...when you are good dog, he rewards you with love and praise...w`hen you are a bad dog who escapes from your pen, he's not so nice and lovely after all.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 08:57

If you valued yourself you wouldn't live like that or put up with his manipulative behaviour and abuse. I'm not the only one who is saying that.

CookieLady · 21/07/2015 08:58

ye, you're too busy defending your husband. Look back at what people have posted and think about why they are saying your husband is manipulative/abusive.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 21/07/2015 09:01

You need to read living with the dominator by Pat Craven

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 09:01

I agree but what can I do about it? Normally I am strong and stand up to him but if I do on this occasion I will be stressed and unhappy at an event I want to enjoy.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/07/2015 09:03

He'd fucking hate being in a relationship with me OP, put it that way! I'm no obedient pet, grateful for trinkets and praise.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/07/2015 09:04

OP sometimes it's ok to do things for an easier life. This isn't one of them. The way you are trying to pussy foot around your husband isn't normal. Most partners would say "oh never mind, it's a shame the dates clash, but we'll go away next week/month. Have a great time on the hen do"

Costacoffeeplease · 21/07/2015 09:04

Are you actually reading any of the replies on this thread?

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 09:04

You need to talk to him about this over extravagant gift bollocks new car new shoes its just stuff he is throwing at you im sure he thinks thats how his wife wants to be treated maybe you like it but he is using the stuff as a stick to poke you with.

CaptainSwan · 21/07/2015 09:07

Wow! You do know he's buying you off, right? You do know he's paying for things in order to guilt you in to complying, right? He is emotionally and financially manipulating you- it's as clear as day.

LadyintheRadiator · 21/07/2015 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 21/07/2015 09:09

Hope the car is completely paid for and in your name so if you displease him....he can't just take it bk.

pictish · 21/07/2015 09:10

He's just buying her. He's just solidifying the feeling she has that she owes him because of all the money he throws at her.

'so you are saying you'd rather get drunk with Maggie and Jodie than chill out with me after I've had a hard week paying for everything'

Translations...you're not allowed to care about your friends. I bought you, so you only get to care about me.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/07/2015 09:10

My bil is exactly like this and is the reason I haven't spoke to him for 18 months. The sad thing is I lost a year of my relationship with my dais because she cannot/ will not see it. It's complete head fuckery. He puts her down in front of others, gives her the silent treatment -sometimes for several days - when he doesn't get his way, makes her feel uncomfortable about her choices, sits there with a face like a slapped arse when she has company over, is always right and NEVER apologises no matter what. He also buys her Tiffany necklaces and Radley handbags and can be utterly charming. Then he'll constantly remind her that he earns all the money while she contributes nothing (a situation he has engineered) as she gave up work to have a child with him. He's a master manipulator and everyone can see it except her. She's now totally reliant on him financially and emotionally. They are very good at what they do op and I don't blame you for being so unsure of your ground. My advice is get some independence both financially and mentally and watch very carefully how he reacts.

CookieLady · 21/07/2015 09:11

Do not have children with this man. If he doesn't like "sharing" you with friends what's he going to be like when a baby comes along and requires your attention?

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 09:12

So do you think I should just tell him
I'm going? It would lead to arguments and it's my birthday next week as well Sad

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 21/07/2015 09:13

Your biggest problem here is him op. He is possessive guilting and manipulative. Of course he wants kids right away, he knowd there's no chance of you standing up to his bad behaviour an dd leaving then.

You need to post in relationships, this man needs leaving before you find yourself down trodden and his doormat!