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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:31

It isnt evey now and then though its everytime other plans come up isnt it ?if its his weekend off then he expects you to fall into place if this hen do had been a working weekend you wouldnt be feeling so anxious

SparkleZilla · 21/07/2015 08:31

"Im supposed to make sure I notify him of any weekends I can't do well in advance"

i would tell him to fuck off to the far side etc

wtfisgoingonhere · 21/07/2015 08:31

Can only echo what pp have said. Don't lie and do go on the hen do.

Also reconsider your relationship and if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life

My mum's ex was like that and it took her 10 years to leave.

Feeling afraid to upset him is a serious red flag

absterfabster21 · 21/07/2015 08:33

You poor woman. I do think it's daft to lie but a lot of people on here are jumping down your throat telling you to leave your husband when they know one little story you have told us. I say tell him the truth and have the argument to make it clear you are boss too and defo get a shared calendar. Me and DH swear by it, and it's like our bible haha. "It wasn't on the calendar " is like gold dust in any planning disagreements. Also "It wasn't on the shopping list". Grin Sounds like you just don't want to disappoint him when he's planning a nice break for you two. You'll know yourself if he really is a controlling douchebag.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 08:34

We don't have children yet but he wants them soon. I'm not ready yet though (he's a few years older than me.)

I've said this to him about not being at his beck and call, he looks right at me and says 'are you telling me jane is more important to you than I am?' or 'so you are saying you'd rather get drunk with Maggie and Jodie than chill out with me after I've had a hard week paying for everything' stuff like that.

He has bought me a lovely car, we went shopping last week and he paid for everything, he wouldn't even let me use my card and got me loads of expensive makeup and shoes. So when he does so much for me I feel like I am being unreasonable in not wanting to do every little thing with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 08:35

Sooty I do have self respect that's not a nice comment.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:36

Tbf the op knows its not normal the way he is behavingthat is why she wants to lie as I said before do what you have to for your own sanity this man is abusing you he will never change ever he will just ramp it up if you dont comply

whois · 21/07/2015 08:38

Wow Jesus fucking Christ this is not a good man. No good man would say those kinds of things to you when you have a pre-planned weekend away.

What would happen if you said "on this weekend, I would rather go to the hen do, yes. It has been planned for ages and I am not prepared to pull out at your whim"

Sounds like he is 'buying you' with gifts.

Dangerous.

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:40

He is your husband nice things dont come with conditions buying you stuff doesnt mean he has the right to control your life it just sounds hard work. How about you stop going shopping for a while see how he reacts buy your own shoes iyswim

DorisLessingsCat · 21/07/2015 08:41

So he has basically bought himself a compliant wife with expensive gifts.

That really is not a normal way to live.

Please please get some advice from someone you trust about your relationship and don't have children with him until you do.

I imagine he'll assume the children will have to comply as well Hmm

WilburIsSomePig · 21/07/2015 08:41

So are you expected to drop everything for your DH so that he doesn't sulk?

marshmallowpies · 21/07/2015 08:41

My ex got this way when I wanted to do different things from him at the weekend. He got really worked up when I wanted to visit my gran or do anything with my family - he would have been welcome to join us, but he always found some excuse not to, but still resented me for going. It grinds you down after a while, OP. I hope you get things sorted out the way you want.

DoreenLethal · 21/07/2015 08:42

Oh, so you are his plaything, right.

You'll know yourself if he really is a controlling douchebag.

I've said this to him about not being at his beck and call, he looks right at me and says 'are you telling me jane is more important to you than I am?' or 'so you are saying you'd rather get drunk with Maggie and Jodie than chill out with me after I've had a hard week paying for everything' stuff like that.

Yeah, controlling douchbag.

Nolim · 21/07/2015 08:42

Op typically when one partner has a previous commitment the response is "sorry i forgot, lets reschedule in 2 weeks" or "blimey, i wish i had put it in my calendar, but go ahead" not "is jane more important than me?".

Is a new car more important than respect?

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:42

What would he say if you told him he was being ridiculous that jane is getting married this is her do we can chill out another night.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/07/2015 08:43

So he buys you loads of stuff and then says "but I buy you loads of stuff and you repay me by spending time with others "? Massive red flags op.

MorrisZapp · 21/07/2015 08:43

My ex was like this. He tried every trick in the book to stop me from seeing my friends, and to my lasting shame I fell for it. I have lost friendships I'll never get back.

Any disagreement was met with 'is Sheila more important to you than I am' etc which is a confusing question to ask a young woman. I'm not madly in love with Sheila, I don't shag her passionately, I'm not imagining a future with her babies in it so ok, you're right, Sheila is less important. I'll ring her just now and cancel.

It's only with hindsight and objectivity I can see what manipulative crap it is. My ex used to cry a lot, or go all 'sad face' on me.

I honestly thought it was ok to ditch your loyal and fun friends to keep your boyfriend happy. I'm mortified, frankly.

RiverTam · 21/07/2015 08:45

I'm with everyone else, he sounds awful. He regards you as his possession.

Whatever you do, do NOT have children with this man.

I'd be shopping for a divorce lawyer with his credit card, tbh.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 08:46

It's not ok I see that which is why I'm definitely going to the hen do but I want to enjoy it when I'm there and not have it be a standoff between us. He can be really nice, really lovely.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 21/07/2015 08:46

'Every now and then a party or wedding comes up and he is difficult'

That would be because he is controlling.

Think very seriously before having DC with a man like this.

violetbunny · 21/07/2015 08:47

OP, he is the only one here who is making you "choose". Any reasonable partner who respects you would understand that it's normal and healthy to want to spend time with your friends and that you have made a prior commitment.

It does not matter that he buys you nice things if he can't understand that the world doesn't revolve around him all the time. Especially if he I'd being emotionally manipulative by sulking when he doesn't get his way. This is childish and not a good basis for a healthy adult relationship. I would be VERY wary of having children with such a man. This is a massive red flag.

Quills · 21/07/2015 08:48

Oh OP, of course he wants to buy all these lovely things for you, because it further tightens his control on you. You end up feeling like you owe him because he's so 'generous', but it's entirely on his terms. How dare you even think of wanting to go away with your friends instead of him when he does so much for you and buys you so many things? Do you see?

This isn't a healthy relationship, but I suspect you're some way from being able to see the truth of it yet - but one day you will. You need to start to assert yourself before you lose the ability to entirely, because this isn't a partnership of equals, and if nothing changes you'll end up as nothing more than a shadow of the person you used to be, a puppet for him to control at his will.

Please, even if you're not ready yet, remember all the advice you've had on this thread and have a serious think about whether this is the way you want to live your life.

Nolim · 21/07/2015 08:49

He can be really nice, really lovely. and he can be an arse.

Which one is the true one, op?

Idontseeanydragons · 21/07/2015 08:50

My DH buys me nice things and still his only reaction to weekend plans clashing would be "oh bollocks I forgot, can we do next weekend instead?"
It's not right OP and it'll only get worse. Especially if you have children at any point.

songbird · 21/07/2015 08:50

He can be really nice, really lovely

Yes, when you're being a good little pretty doll who does as she's told. This is seriously fucked up, OP.

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