Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a white lie to DH

264 replies

yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 07:10

It's my friends hen do next week and it's in a different area of the country. I was thinking of going by plane as this is quicker and cheaper. I told DH about this ages ago but he forgot.

DH wants us to go away for the weekend as its my birthday the week after next, and this weekend fits better into his plans than next. WIBU to tell him my friend bought my plane tickets so he feels I can't pull out?

OP posts:
Kampeki · 21/07/2015 08:03

But red, why should she have to lie?

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:04

You know do what you feel you have too but I couldnt go on a birthday weekend knowing my husband thought he won.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 21/07/2015 08:04

if he gives you the silent treatment when things don't go his way after he's fucked up, does that not make him a douchebag?

DragonMamma · 21/07/2015 08:05

He sounds like a bit of a dick OP.

My DH would never expect me to forfeit a friend's pre-planned hen weekend to go away with him.

If he gave me the silent treatment (which he never would) I would tell him where to fuck right off.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 08:05

I don't think planning a weekend with him would be uppermost in my thoughts to be honest. I'd be reflecting seriously on whether this relationship has any future at all.

Elsashmelsa · 21/07/2015 08:06

I think this is very sad... I can't imagine my DH getting 'arsey' even if it was a joint mistake (you forgot to remind him about the hen-weekend when he booked the other one) and if he did I'd tell him to grow up and stop being so childish (and bloody needy) and that in future he should take note when I tell him that I'm going away a certain weekend.

Very worrying that you can't be honest with him. Sad

Icimoi · 21/07/2015 08:06

he will think I think my friend and getting pissed is more important than spending quality time with him.

But, by the same token, he thinks whatever he has got planned for the following weekend is more important than spending quality time with you. He can't have it both ways, and you have an absolute answer if he raises that argument. If he really wants to spend that time with you, he should either cancel his own plans or arrange to go away the weekend after that.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/07/2015 08:07

But there shouldn't be 'consequences' to standing up to him - he really sounds very unpleasant, you need to have a think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life 'handling' him and his petty sulks

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 08:09

He likes us to go away for weekends so Im supposed to make sure I notify him of any weekends I can't do well in advance, which I did, but he forgot but I know he won't admit he forgot so it'll be my fault and he's say I didn't tell him, im positive I did! I just don't want to have to choose between him and my friends Sad

OP posts:
colafrosties · 21/07/2015 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 08:11

I'm supposed to make sure I notify him

Words fail me.

Kampeki · 21/07/2015 08:11

You're telling him now that you're not available that weekend. Whether or not you told him previously doesn't matter. You have a prior commitment.

Trills · 21/07/2015 08:13

You should not be THIS upset and worried about saying

I already have plans this weekend, it's been arranged since January

with an additional sorry for not saying so as soon as you mentioned it

Kampeki · 21/07/2015 08:14

And OP, you have to see that he is deliberately and unnecessarily putting you in the position of having to choose between him and your friends. A reasonable man would not ask you to make that choice, he would just book for another weekend instead.

You need to understand that he is intentionally making this difficult for you. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Only1scoop · 21/07/2015 08:15

What a horrible way to feel.

Just tell the truth.

ohtheholidays · 21/07/2015 08:18

Tell the lie and have a great weekend with your friends! Smile

I completely get where your coming from,I've had to do the same with my ex husband.

The fallout would not have been worth it,so I knew I had no other choice than to tell a white lie whilst still being in that marriage.

One thing though OP,when I was in that marriage everything that happened that he did or said I excepted as it all being the norm.Now I'm remarried I realize that none of it was normal.

Original poster
yeoldeoaktree · 21/07/2015 08:18

He has a demanding job and sometimes has to work weekends, which is why when he does have a weekend off (usually every other weekend) he likes us to spend it together but occasionally something will come up on a weekend he's not working and then he will get cross if he can't spend it with me, he likes to go away and get me nice things, so he is good to me. It's just every now and again a situation like a wedding or a party will come up and he gets difficult.

OP posts:
Kampeki · 21/07/2015 08:23

If it's only "every now and then" that you want to do something else, then he needs to stop getting "difficult" and accept that your life won't always revolve around his.

You say he is good to you, but he doesn't sound it! Perhaps he buys you nice stuff, but he doesn't seem to have any respect for you - you're expected to be there at his beck and call whenever he wants you.

Perhaps that all seems normal to you, OP, because you're so used to it, but most of us couldn't live like that.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 08:23

he is good to me

That rather depends on your definition of good by the sound of it.

NotSparta · 21/07/2015 08:23

You shouldn't dread coming home to your OH.

It's the whole "when someone shows you who they are, listen to them" thing. He is being very blatant about how the rest of your life with him will be, do you want this forever?

Go on the hen do and if he starts with the silent treatment then leave him.

colafrosties · 21/07/2015 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 21/07/2015 08:27

Oh lovey he could buy you the biggest diamond with bells on but he is still treating you like shit he is the most important person in his world your feelings dont matter to him your feelings matter

NotSparta · 21/07/2015 08:29

Just read your most recent post. I assume you don't have DC as you haven't mentioned them, but imagine how bad he'll be when you do. Will he help out with night feeds, will his very demanding job take precedence over you and the DC's plans, will he give your child the silent treatment when they don't behave as he wants?

His life is not more important than yours.

ilovesooty · 21/07/2015 08:30

If you think that having a husband in a well paid job who buys you nice things and gives you a comfortable lifestyle is worth giving up on your self respect I suppose that's your choice.
If you think that a few nice presents are worth a life of second guessing and tiptoeing on eggshells that's your choice too.
I'd be interested in why or how you became conditioned to believe that abuse and manipulative behaviour are normal.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/07/2015 08:30

Controlling and manipulative. If this were in relationships you'd be told to LTB. Jees.

Swipe left for the next trending thread