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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up on real life friends and just rely on you lot instead?

180 replies

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 09:06

We're having a party for a significant occasion. Invitations went out months ago and we had about 50 guests and their dcs, coming. It's now coming up to the day and in the past week about half have cancelled. Even dh's sister.

Most reasons are "we have plans the following week and don't want to travel before them".

I am feeling very friendless and sad.

I've struggled to make friends since we moved here and was really looking forward to people visiting and feeling like I do have friends.

So would I be unreasonable to give up on the real world and just drift off into the MN ether forever?

I'm quite nice really Sad

I'd just like one friend to be able to have a cuppa with once a week and chat about stuff.

Before anyone suggest MN local, there is only tumbleweed blowing through mine :o

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 20/07/2015 10:01

I want to be like a 5 year old, run up to a stranger who looks nice, nudge her and say "will you be my friend?", then we'll run off and climb a tree.

I'm always thinking this. It was so EASY at infant school. Why can't you make friends like that as a grown-up?

I feel for you, OP. I don't organise anything –parties, dinners, trips to things – any more because I got sick of people either taking them for granted (e.g. 'You'll be doing dinner this Saturday, then?') or saying yes and then cancelling at the last minute for spurious-sounding reasons, or saying yes and then looking at their diary Hmm and realising they were double-booked ... I've been left several times having paid for people's tickets and then been saddled with either trying to offload them or sucking up the cost.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/07/2015 10:02

It is definitely not you! You are awesome and the queen of stackable goats.

Icelandicsuperyoghurt · 20/07/2015 10:03

If you have a WI group near you who meet at a time that's ok for you, it's def worth checking it out. They are very variable (some a bit fuddy duddy and dull and some are pretty happening, like the one I found), but if you are lucky, some have a mix of ages and types. I was nicely surprised when I joined and there are women in their 30's and 40's with young children, right up to women in their 70's and 80's and it's amazing how everyone gets on and supports one another.

i have noticed that people that I know in their 40's upwards are rarely flakey. It does seem to be a more recent thing that sadly is getting more acceptable. it seems you're supposed to not be fussed by it or take it personally, but I imagine it's bloody hurtful if it keeps happening.

Taytocrisps · 20/07/2015 10:06

You could invite us all but someone would be bound to raise controversial subjects like bottle vs. formula feeding or benefits scroungers and then all hell would break loose and the police would be called to your house. So YABU.

Seriously though, I'm sorry so many of your friends have cancelled Sad. There's not much you can do really. I guess you'll just have to accept that it's going to be a smaller affair than originally planned and enjoy your night with the guests who do turn up.

I'd love to meet you for a weekly coffee and a chat and some luscious cakes but I live across the sea. I'm sure there are other ladies where you live who would also love some company. It's just a case of finding them which I know is easier said than done.

Flowers and Brew and luscious Cake.

echt · 20/07/2015 10:09

Chris I'm sure your username would welcome the right-minded and give warning to numptoids.:o

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:14

:o

You are all lovely and have made me feel much better about it. It does sound like it's becoming a cultural norm. So I shall try not to take it personally.

I've had 3 "checked my diary and am double booked" one I do believe was a genuine mistake.

I shall stack some goats and drink some wine and eat some cake. It'll be ok as long as no more cancel

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:15

And you're right, a party of MNers would be one big screaming YABU!

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:16

And I know there's be 40 new threads before the night was out, along the lines of "AIBU to think she should have had better wine/more caviar/considered my dietary requirements even though I hadn't pointed them out?"

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 20/07/2015 10:17

Eeeek you are right on the money with the people you naturally warm to and think 'ooooh maybe you could be my mate' ends up having a thousand school and uni mates and the social life of a celebrity. Really disappointing.

I shall go and look at our booking documents as I actually don't know where we are going exactly Blush

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:17

AIBU to think FuckYouChris doesn't swear enough in RL?

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 20/07/2015 10:18

Stabal-y-Gwedd. Very welsh sounding!!!

moooolah · 20/07/2015 10:20

Oh OP. it's a shitty shitty feeling isn't. I've had a very similar situation. It was a very important occasion to and I knew then friendships would never be the same. .I've new friends now and I've learned to enjoy my own company and my own little family unit more. X

Taytocrisps · 20/07/2015 10:21

Also, there would be all kinds of accusations of people being drip feeders and pearl clutchers and PFBs.

annandale · 20/07/2015 10:21

Ah I'm really sorry. I agree it's too easy to cancel now. I'm flakier than I should be but am slowly learning to accept fewer invitations because dh will inevitably be ill on the day. It's taken me ten years to realise this. I'm most likely to get to women-only events I can get to inside a day or evening, and I'm not the only one. The couples social life my parents and in laws had appears to be a thing of the past. It's a bit odd, what's happened to men recently?

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:21

Sebs, yup. I thought I was doing well with a school mum, and then she mentioned how she was doing x and y later with her real friends and sort of laughed (nicely) at how we all have different groups of friends and then school mum friends too. And I thought, "nope, I was kinda hoping we could be real friends".

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:24

Yes, it's the couples thing I would really like!

AIBU to think Chris is really PFB for not letting my DD tie hers up and hang her from a tree?

Mooo it's amazing how many people are this flakey.

OP posts:
EeekEeekEeekEeek · 20/07/2015 10:25

Icelandic, I think you're right. I will sound like an old fart saying this, but I think it's to do with the advent of mobile phones. Once you have the option to make social meetings more casual, as by saying 'I'll text you when I get there' etc, it suddenly becomes easier to be late or cancel. I am old-fashioned about these things, but have good friends who drive me insane my doing things like 'We'll be with you about 1', then at 5 to 1: 'Running a bit late mate should be there in half an hour'

And yes, you're supposed to be cool with this. It's deeply uncool to be bothered about punctuality, make a plan for the day or fuss about eating meals at mealtimes. Don't be so uptight!

I'm well aware that I sound about 100 Grin I'm not. Until recently I was still getting IDd for booze . . .

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:25

Sebs, pretty far from here :) looks lovely though. Have a lovely break.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:26

Eeek, I'm with you. Phones are brilliant if you are late for a genuine reason, they're not there to facilitate flakiness.

OP posts:
fancyanotherfez · 20/07/2015 10:31

If you are in North Wales, near where my MIL lives, it probably is the distance. When I first met my DH and we went to my PIL for the first time, a drive along the A5 Snowdonia Mountain Road sounded so romantic about 1\3 of the way there, I nearly chewed my arms off in frustration at the foggy never ending ness of it. My MIL has a great social life but she is probably a bit older than you and does bridge club and charity work. What about a hobby? Painting?

Original poster
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 20/07/2015 10:35

Fancy, I do want to take up a hobby, it's finding the time at the moment, but I think that's the way to go.

WI are fuddy duddy around here sadly.

OP posts:
DJThreeDog · 20/07/2015 10:40

Well, I'm on holiday from work this week.....just saying Wink

It is shit though. I have the same thing, well, that I don't really have friends. I don't think people like me Sad.

Duckdeamon · 20/07/2015 10:43

Annandale, it's not a gender thing: sounds like your DH is just flakey!

OP I wouldn't see (new, local) people who seem like potential friends but it doesn't work out as rejection. I feared rejection a lot when we lived in London and have done better where we now are by initiating things with people who seem nice and not worrying if for whatever reason it doesn't turn onto friendship, a bit like online dating!

MummyRabbitsSister · 20/07/2015 10:46

Oooh me and a couple of other lovely Mumsnetters are in West Wales (Aberystwyth way) if you ever fancy coffee and a moan.

We are also available for hoovering up any party food leftovers :)

HPsauciness · 20/07/2015 10:47

I don't get many 'big invites' these days, perhaps most of my old friends have given up on these type of events (or on me)?

I have found that socially, I've done best when doing an interesting job (so not dependent on finding something in common with people just because they are parents) so I have a mix of friends at different life stages. This is handy as the ones with teenagers can give you good advice, the ones who are dating/just getting married are still excited about having children and some don't have any, so it's easier to get together than if you all have quite similarly aged or reasonably large families.

Local friends are also good, much easier to pop over on Fri eve for impromptu bbq than get people to travel, stay over, book holiday and so on.

It is sad, but I think even 20 people all traveling to spend time with you for a big event is pretty good these days, I wouldn't call that friendless:)