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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

177 replies

Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:23

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

OP posts:
MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 22/07/2015 17:23

Whereas the vows absolutely include 'as long as my mum and your mum do what they're told when I feel like dropping us in the shitter'.

frankbough · 22/07/2015 17:44

The tone of his emails don't mention anything about anyone doing as there told.. He hates his job and she wants progression in her career..

He's quit without discussing so she's responded with I'm leaving, so it's an impasse..

tobysmum77 · 22/07/2015 17:44

In relation to the question in the op yabu hating your job is truly awful.

However he is being VVU just expecting you to drop everything and do his share of childcare etc when you are building your own career. It shows a really chauvinistic attitude that I could just not live with.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 22/07/2015 17:46

And he wants the DM's to pick up on the child care.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 22/07/2015 17:53

Read OPs previous posts frank, he's intending to solve the childcare problem by enlisting his mother and OPs. No mention of whether they're ok with this, or confirmation that he intends to cover rather than expecting OP to do so on any occasion the respective mothers are both unable/unwilling.

Timetoask · 22/07/2015 17:54

Does he need more "brainpower" in his new job? Could it be that he has realised that he cannot do the job properly and does not want to admit it (rather than just hate it)?

AyeAmarok · 22/07/2015 18:02

Musical has it nailed I think.

I would be LIVID if my DH unilaterally decided to do this and dumped it on my lap as a fait acompli that I had to sort out.

intheenddotcom · 22/07/2015 18:17

YABVU - you do not control his life.

Why should he work in a job he doesn't like just because you want money?

I'm so glad my OH has always supported me doing the job I love rather than one that makes the most money.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 22/07/2015 18:22

Have you read the whole thread?Hmm

Original poster
Wrongornot · 22/07/2015 18:25

It is not the money. It is time. He could be earning nmw 9-5, close to home and I would support him 100%.

It is how crap his hours make family life. Which might just about be bare able if he was earning plenty and we could enjoy holidays etc together but that is not the case. On the other hand I could make enough to give us a good lifestyle but I cannot do that around his shifts.

My Dm thinks I should put up and shut up and not destroy DDs happiness for my own selfish reasons. That is certainly the easiest way out, however things are moving ahead at work and I am going to be devastated to be left behind after working so hard and so long to get to this position. I think it will be very difficult not to resent him in coming years.

OP posts:
intheenddotcom · 22/07/2015 18:34

Abouttime - I have and my view is the OP is BU. I think this is one of those threads where if it was a man posting everyone would be in uproar.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 22/07/2015 18:36

So now he's writing emails instead of actually talking face-to-face, and just wringing his hands with a "tell me what to doooooooo......". Not a single independent thought on how to resolve the situation in a way that's fair to everyone.

I'd refuse any further communication by electronic means, and insist the two of you sit down to work this out. But make sure you both really listen to each other.

musicalbingo · 22/07/2015 18:44

Wrongornot - Did your mum actually say that? Shock

If so massive hugs and is there anyone else you can discuss this with in real life???

LindyHemming · 22/07/2015 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greydog · 22/07/2015 18:52

This man is totally selfish, and has no thought for anyone other than himself. How can he be a "family man" if he's never there for his family? As others have said - it's not just the money. It's the selfish, entitled attitude he's taken over this. If he's going to do "anything" to sort it out - ask him what he's got in mind

Namechangenell · 22/07/2015 19:10

Why doesn't he stay at home and look after DD and you go full steam ahead at work? Offer that as an option. Then you'll see if it's truly the job he doesn't like, or the enhanced contribution to family life (which I suspect). I'd be tempted to leave him in your position. He sounds incredibly selfish. Or demand that nothing changes with regard to your work and he'll have to come up with the extra cash/time from somewhere. Why shouldn't you be able to have the career you want as he doesn't like what sounds like a good job? I'm angry on your behalf OP. And if you did split, I'd love to see how he managed to actually see DC around those crazy hours...

I've worked shifts in the past. They mess up family life something chronic. However, the flip side was that it was for an airline and DC had some amazing holidays as a result. It was also extremely flexible. Sounds like your DP has nothing like this - what an idiot.

tobysmum77 · 22/07/2015 19:15

so if a bloke posted and said 'dw has a new job and expects me to pick up the slack on childcare and give up my own career' people would agree with dw... I think not Confused

RedHelenB · 22/07/2015 19:22

but you're only going back to the situation you had 6 months ago aren't you? So not really any worse off?

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 22/07/2015 19:28

If it were me, I would tell him what hours you will be working, which days you are also likely to be needing to go in early and stay late, and state baldly that he is now responsible for finding appropriate childcare for any times that you will be at work and he can't look after the kids.

He has chosen to make the change, so he can manage the fallout.

Note - you'll need to stay strong and resist the temptation to swoop in and fix everything.

VintageTrouble · 22/07/2015 19:46

I agree with Kleine completely. His choice so he has to manage it.

Bejeena · 22/07/2015 19:57

Will.your family starve? I don't think so.

Speaking as someone in a job that she hates you are totally BU.

As long as you.can clothe and feed your children who cares?

VintageTrouble · 22/07/2015 20:06

So it's okay for the OP who has been living a half life around her family and putting her own career on hold for years, it's okay for her to suffer but not her DH who has had everything his own way for years?

Err no.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 22/07/2015 20:07

It's a slightly different situation, but dh was headhunted by his previous job 6 months into his new one. They wanted to offer him more money, a whole new position, pretty much whatever he wanted.

But his old job was an hour and a half commute. It was 8-6 (not including the drive) and we never saw him.

His new job was local, on flexi-time, and he was back to being a real part of our family life.

We discussed it together. Dh pushed for staying where he was. He doesn't like the job he does now, but the lifestyle and benefits are fantastic.

I suppose the real point is that he didn't make a unilateral decision that would effect all our lives.

We both decided he would stay where he was. I would have been devastated if he'd made the decision to go, without even talking to me about it. Losing having him here for hours with the dcs in the afternoon would have been terrible. I look back at the long days before with dread.

petalsandstars · 22/07/2015 20:11

If a SAHP got a job should they then be the default childcare person or do both WOHP take their fair share of the joint responsibility?

He needs to take responsibility and find the fix - either the money /childcare aspect.

OP I would forge ahead with your career- don't let him hold you back romantic progression. Maybe talk to your DM about if he can't pick it up as a fallback only - but don't let your chances go now - you may need them more than ever soon.

petalsandstars · 22/07/2015 20:14

Don't know where romantic came from ffs - with career progression