That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

[Wrongornot]

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

I agree you need to talk properly and if all he does is get angry and not talk and blame it on you, well you have your answer I'm afraid.

I'd also say - does he have form for behaving in a way that makes you the responsible one? In 10 years I'd have expected to see some signs of it

I totally understand where you are coming from - DP always worked shifts and long hours (had his own business) to the point that contributed to me giving up a job I loved to become a SAHM. Then he sold up and went through a number of jobs. Lots working evenings,weekends etc.
Then he got a chance of a 9-5, Mon-Fri term time only job 10 miles away -he went to the interview and got the job. It was slightly less money but not that much less - and it would have freed me up to return to work so it would have been more money for the family. He turned it down cos he said he wouldn't enjoy working there.
Instead he took up a job that was almost 30 miles away, working long hours, shifts, no weekends -a new venture when the person who started it obviously didn't have a clue what they were doing (DP knew that too). After a few months he was miserable there - and then the venture failed and he was looking for a job again...
I was furious.
Since then he has had a few jobs - now has a job he loves the hours - early shift so he has afternoons free and days off in the week (when DCs are at school ). He misses the mornings and bedtimes as he needs to go to bed early (with a teen now bedtimes are worse than ever ...I have to take her phone off her or she stays awake all night) and if the resulting fuss wakes him up he strops out .
He also thinks we shouldn't go out before the afternoon (he gets home) at the weekend so he can come with us - if he wants to...and we shouldn't be out too late so he isn't late to bed.
Also he can only have a week or at a max 2 weeks holiday a year in the school holidays which he has to book weeks in advance etc and it doesn't get confirmed until a few weeks before. That meant we missed a holiday altogether last year and this year we spent a fortune on a week when the most expensive bit was flights and we could have gone for 2 weeks...
I have no solutions ...I know my respect for him went down massively when he didn't take the 'good' job. I do think he is selfish. Our relationship is extremely rocky - I think all but over - but we keep plodding on -trying to make it work. I have no advice for you - but I do know I am ( several years later) still incredibly angry of him ...and resentful -I can't forget it. (When I pointed out I left my job for the DCs - he said hadn't told me to stop working ... but then acknowledged at the time I actually didn't have much option .
Maybe a clean break would be for the best...for both you and me ...

As others have said before he just had a job ...
The extra family time seems like it was probably a downside to him - and the fact that your life was easier meant his was a little harder - he had slightly more responsibility...(getting cross now thinking about it )
Selfish arse (projecting a little here I think)

Has he acknowledged any of the plus points of his new job (the one he's leaving)? The way you describe it it's been so positive in terms of your family life. Does he acknowledge that or does he disagree with you or is he just refusing to address it?

Much sympathy with you OP. My DH made a huge career change a few years back and I was bricking it (internally). I can't imagine what it would have been like to just have the decision made with no discussion.

YADNBU

I agree with so much of what's been written here. Apart from anything else, what are his long-term goals? My uncle worked his whole life in a very physical job; by early fifties he was worn out, and when he lost his last role he was unable to find a new one and has been unemployed ever since. Very, very depressing. Not the case for everyone, but happens more than you'd think.

After fifteen years in the same job, your DH had the chance to broaden his skills and now, for reasons he can't even articulate given it's a family-affecting decision, this would infuriate me the most: you deserve an explanation he has taken a step back. Can you ask him where he sees himself in ten years' time, or if he envisages himself working like this in his late fifties and early sixties?

unlucky83 I read your post and just thought, how utterly shit for you.

I'm sorry.

As he doesn't take you and the kids into account, why should you offer him the same courtesy? Have days out with them if you fancy it. He's not just done something crappy, he's actively making it worse for you guys than it even needs to be.

He sounds awful. I'm so sorry. If I were you I'd just ditch him. Will he even see the kids if that happens - when would he even be able to. It's all just shit isn't it.

Completely agree with Raffles - there must be more to this as otherwise a good DH & Father doesn't put his family to such a detriment without first discussing it fully with you.

Sorry for your situation & I know I'd react the same way - you split up now & at least you've a chance to meet someone who will value you properly & be supportive & caring etc. ( and personally for me, I'd rather be alone than with someone who treats me like he's just treated you, as I'd struggle to get over my resentment of him making life so much more difficult again).

Good luck.

Honestly OP if you respond to that text at all it would be with: 'Separate ways appear to be the only option when you can't take responsibility and understand just why and how you've caused me to feel this way. You put your happiness, your career and yourself over me, my career, our family time and our happiness. You did all that without even discussing it with me, figured my career and our family time could take a back seat and then called me selfish. How do you think that makes me feel?'

And quite honestly I'd probably finish the text with 'well now you can live to work as you obviously want and enjoy not being bogged down with family time and supporting you wife's career'.

But I get too blunt when I'm pissed off.

My employers in the most recent job I quit claimed to like and appreciate me but I didn't feel it was borne out by their behaviour so the positive feedback he received doesn't mean that there isn't something else going on that's made him unhappy. I still think you'll need to get to the bottom of what's happened and why he couldn't talk to you about it. The fact that he's offered to return to something that made him feel unhappy but still hasn't offered an explanation, and the fact that you still haven't been able to explore that directly indicates to me that the lack of communication needs to be addressed so that you can both decide if you can move on in a positive way.

Email from dh, names changed to x. Please tell me what to do

if your really wanting to split up well I suppose I'll have to accept it, I hate fighting with you and well I don't know what it is but the thought of not being with you really upsets me and that's why I get angry and shout. I just hate the thought of x being from a broken home and not having both of us there together all the time. If there is the glimmer of hope for us I will grab it as the last thing I want is not to have you in my life. I'm sorry if me going to x really mucks up your working plans but x when I say I hate this job I mean it. I would do anything else apart from work at x as it would drive me nuts and I don't want that. I can make x work for both of us so please please give me a chance to prove to you that we can live as good a life with me there. Please think about it, I'll give you space tonight and won't mention anything unless you want to try and sort it out. I do and always will love you and please believe me when I say I'm truly sorry and forgive me for everything I have said in the past week.

Hope we can sort it out

Sorry you are going through this, he's very neatly abdicated all responsibility for your family life onto you
brilliant

So then the question is what do you want to do ?

How is he going to make it work? What solutions does he have? Why is it up to you to try and sort it out? It's not much use apologising now.

Hi OP,

I joined specifically to reply to this thread.
I am biased as I grew up with a father who sounds an awful lot like your DP.
Disclaimer: My parents aren't together now and he pretty much ruined my childhood making incredibly selfish personal and financial decisions that only he benefited from while my mum went round picking up the pieces and my siblings and I dealt with the fall out.

I want to say I really feel for you in this situation but I think he email is slightly laughable if I am honest. It shows no sign of the penny dropping and is absolutely not the kind of response that would (or should) win anyone round.

Reading between the lines it's a veritable rainbow of excuses

1. "the thought of not being with you really upsets me and that's why I get angry and shout."

I am a verbally abusive arsehole because I love you sooooooooo much

1. "I just hate the thought of x being from a broken home and not having both of us there together all the time."

Now some emotional manipulation - "oh! won't somebody think of the children".
Okay, let's. Honestly, what message are you sending to your children by allowing him to behave like this towards you and the family? Would you want your daughter to be with someone that treats her like this???

1. "I'm sorry if me going to x really mucks up your working plans but x when I say I hate this job I mean it. I would do anything else apart from work at x as it would drive me nuts and I don't want that."

Ha! "I'm sooooooo sorry if me not wanting to be MISERABLE mucked up all YOUR special plans" is honestly no kind of apology at all!!!! It's the reverse!!
And there is still no explanation as to WHY??? And he doesn't seem to have cottoned on there are more than two jobs in the big wide world.

1. "I can make x work for both of us so please please give me a chance to prove to you that we can live as good a life with me there."

Really think he's going to organise the child care? And where is he going to magic an extra 50% salary from to pay for it?

"I would do anything else apart from work at x as it would drive me nuts"

He presents this like there an only two jobs in the world and you were trying to force him to stay doing something that was slowly killing him. Puh-lease.

1. " I'm truly sorry and forgive me for everything I have said in the past week."

Presumably, rather than offer one million apologies and weep bitter tears of regret he's said a few unpleasant things.

Sorry if my post is strongly worded but he just doesn't seem to get it (which in my experience means he won't ever get it and you can expect more "surprises" like this in the future) so you need to work out if that is a deal breaker.
No one knows what is right except you but you should think long and hard about your next steps and think particularly about financial independence and how much you can rely on him...

Well done Bingo

OP, if he wants to resolve this (I presume he's in his last week of his job) he needs to explain why he hates this job so much. Saying he hates it and it will drive him nuts isn't sufficient.

Why is his old job the only alternative?

He needs to have a grown up discussion and stop behaving like a child.

He'd do anything rather than work in the new job, aside from looking for a different job with hours that don't totally fuck everything up of course.

Put the ball in his court. What is he going to do to improve the situation? He doesn't need to stay in this job, but he can't go back to the old job either. Tell him to step up as your husband and as a father, stop abdicating responsibility and ducking out of decisions he doesn't want to make. I'd expect him to have applied to at least 3 jobs by the end of play Friday.

Agree with muscialbingo, though surely its all our goal to to get more quality family time for more money. We were chatting at work about this about what the point working 300hrs plus extra a year for a naice holiday and brat spoiling than actually being their.

Not to stir but there is not an OW or soem other reason why he wants to specifically go back to previous job/area?

Difficult to judge if you've never been in a job you truly hate.
No easy answer here I am afraid. He is unreasonable however to just quit the new job without consulting you. You are a partnership and all major decisions should be joint.

I think you need to hear exactly how he's planning to make all this work, OP. Has anyone spoken to your DM or his to find out how they feel about it? What cutbacks will he be making to his personal spending to ensure the family aren't worse off? And have you discussed yet why exactly it has to be the old job?

What are his solutions? Palming the dcs off onto your DM or his is not an answer.

And if his old boss was so keen to have him back, why hasn't he negotiated to have his old holidays and bonus?

His actions are selfish. He is not thinking of the children. He is not thinking of you.

If you were forcing him to stay in the new job, I might have some sympathy, but he has the option of finding something else. You sound like you'd be happy with anything so long as it is 9-5 and local-ish.

If he is the one who wants just a job, and you are the one who wants a career, then your work should be prioritised surely.

I suspect that something has gone very wrong at the new company and he has done a runner before being pushed/disciplined. That his employers have yet to find out and he is hoping they never will. I even wondered if he had started an inappropriate relationship which hasn't worked out as he planned.

I don't think I could put up with not knowing the reason why. Saying "because I hate it" isn't a reason, it is an excuse and a pretty piss poor one at that.

First he runs away from the responsibility of making his job work. Now he is running away from the responsibility for making your relationship work (have you noticed that you are the one needing to do all the "tell me how to fix it" work?).

I have to say, I dislike this recent "trend" (for want of a better word) on MN, for posting emails/texts verbatim from third parties. It seems to me a bit like a betrayal of trust. Unless of course your DH is aware you have posted it?

That being said, (and I feel a bit hypocritical for replying tbh given my above comment ), it reads like something written by a 16 year old. There is no sense of personal responsibility, problem solving or maturity. It's just a brain dump, into your lap to deal with.

Can't believe you want to split over this.. I'd pack your bags... The vows say for "better or worse".. Not, "as long as you do as your told"..