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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

177 replies

Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:23

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 17:16

The fact he didn't feel either able, or that he needed to consult you, coupled with the fact you felt it necessary to look through his phone and read his emails, IMHO, shows there are issues within your relationship that are bigger than the job change.

I do agree with this unfortunately.

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 17:17

Our relationship is generally good, never had any problems in 10 years of marriage. Just that things had been so much better since he got the new job.

I don't think he has a problem with my career, he supported me while I did a degree while working full time and was all for me moving up the ladder. However I did't really feel I had the chance to do this until he started working more reasonable hours. His solution to the overnights etc is that him mum or my mum will have DCs but that is not practical in reality and it is about having the support there is the morning and nights that would allow me to do a good job and put in the extra effort required at work.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 17:19

Across I hope your son recovers. I ended up institutionalised by a job that made me unhappy so my responses are probably informed by that.

I probably couldn't have verbalised what was so very wrong with my last experience - I could only say "I'm not happy - I need to leave".

LittleBearPad · 18/07/2015 17:19

I would be livid with the way he has dealt with it. When did he resign? He must have a notice period.

He needs to be able to articulate why he hated it. It's not sufficient to just say 'because'. He's not 5.

Given he has made this decision alone he can now figure out how to manage when you have to go away for work. His job isn't more important than yours.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:19

Have the mums agreed to this?
Where do they live?
This will mean the children staying with them overnight quite a bit I imagine? If he leaves the house at 4am.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 17:20

Had you picked up that he was distracted or unhappy in the new job or did he appear happy?

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:21

Thing is that with the pay cut combined with your increased costs you aren't going to be able to pay for any childcare.

He must get back quite early from work OP? He does pickup from school and dinner and all that? So you have flexibility at the end of the day when you come home?

What a nightmare.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:23

still she knew he was unhappy:

"I had suggested to him weeks ago that if things were that bad he should look for a less well paid job, but closer to home and less hours. He could do house/kids and I could push my career (there is a "scheme" at work I would love to participate in but it is very full on)."

QuiteLikely5 · 18/07/2015 17:28

I would be furious. Call me cynical but are you sure he just doesn't want you to have your career? Is he jealous, maybe he enjoyed the fact that you couldn't excel in your career.

You say he's a good man, these aren't the actions of a man who puts his children and family first. With everything you gained too!

You are going to resent this man for a long time.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Most people hate their job. It's not a hobby it's a means to an end.

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 17:29

He resigned today, only needed to give a weeks notice and starts back with old company next Monday.

I do not want to be relying on our Mums for childcare, esp overnight. Plus, when I was away or even just at work, I didn't need to think of kids at all, I knew he either had them or was just round the corner from nursery/school if there were problems. He will be too far away in his old job to collect in emergencies. I was just so relaxed, which I had never felt before and wouldn't if he was working his old job and we were relying on others for childcare (as was the case in the past)

Across that is really interesting and I hope your son is recovering well. Yes, he probably wasn't as happy on his working days as he had been previously, however he was much less tired and was only ever a couple of days until is days off when he seemed as happy as ever.

I think it is just a case of sticking with what he was used to. His old job was just that - a job, whereas new job was a career. He doesn't want to make decisions or deal with problems, just go in, do his job and come home. His old job of 15 years was a safety blanket, which is is now crawling back under. Which would be absolutely fine, truly it would, if it was closer to home and better hours.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 18/07/2015 17:31

The trouble with ask the people saying ' there needs to be a compromise' is that OP's DH has unilaterally taken away any chance of that.

He has behaved appallingly. His decision has a detrimental effect on both her work life and her home life. The prospect of the return to what came before has made her as miserable as he was, from her description.

She wasn't nagging our badgering him to stay in the job. She was suggesting alternatives that would be a compromise, so it's clear he had some idea of the potential impact of this decision on her.

He has made the decision to swap his misery for hers, without discussion. In doing so he has behaved like an utterly selfish shit. Deciding, without discussion, that it is better to make your partner unhappy than be unhappy yourself, when there are clearly other options available to explore and potential for compromise, is not the mark of a good partner.

LittleBearPad · 18/07/2015 17:33

So did he just announce he'd resigned today - no warning?

Any way of retracting it?

I'm so sorry he's been so selfish

Original poster
Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 17:36

Thank you so much for all the advice and support on this thread - never used Mumsnet in this way before. I don't feel quite as selfish as I did when the thread started but am no clearer what my next move should be.

It is very interesting getting different views and I will go back and read through everything again.

Going to move my stuff into the spare room for tonight, can't face going over things, going round and round in circles and fighting again tonight. Going to get the kids organised for bed and have an early night to think and cry

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 17:37

Most people hate their job

In my experience that just isn't true.

NotJustaPotforSoup · 18/07/2015 17:54

So, he unilaterally decided that 3 women should be inconvenienced in his own quest for fulfillment?

Who does he think he is?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 18:00

Have a hug OP (((0))).

I understand why you feel the way you do.

SnowBells · 18/07/2015 18:04

Definitely YANBU!!!! I'd raise hell if DH pulled a stunt like that.

Athenaviolet · 18/07/2015 18:36

You say that you've loved the last few months- all the family time- but did he? Did 'family time' maybe not live up to his expectations? Ime lots of fathers are quite happy to virtually opt out of 'family' life. They'd rather spend time at work and do the kind of anti social hours which means they don't see much if their wives and kids.

Is your DP perhaps one of those men?

PoppyFleur · 18/07/2015 18:42

YANBU

Starting a new job is hard, it takes at least 6-9 months to feel settled. If he was very unhappy it is not unreasonable to discuss with you leaving the job and what options are open (part time work/SAHP etc.). However, changing jobs to one that has a detrimental impact on the whole family without any form of discussion is incredibly thoughtless. I would be very upset.

I don't have any answers but I can really understand why you feel as you do, effectively he has arbitrarily accepted a job that dictates the way you all lead your lives.

Bogeyface · 18/07/2015 18:47

You say that you've loved the last few months- all the family time- but did he? Did 'family time' maybe not live up to his expectations? Ime lots of fathers are quite happy to virtually opt out of 'family' life. They'd rather spend time at work and do the kind of anti social hours which means they don't see much if their wives and kids.

Just because lots of fathers are happy to do this doesnt make it right and certainly doesnt give them the right to fuck everyone over in the way this man has.

lastuseraccount123 · 18/07/2015 19:04

YANBU OP.

my husband left a job he hated but it was after lots of discussion and with my full support. The fact he didn't include you in his decision is a huge issue imo.

RagstheInvincible · 18/07/2015 19:12

He's being totally selfish IMO. I've no sympathy for him. You don't go to work to enjoy yourself, you go to get cash and if he's got family responsibilities, he has a duty to maximise the amount of cash he earns.

SquinkiesRule · 18/07/2015 19:21

Totally selfish, he should have talked first and looked for a job he he liked that would fit the family better before jacking it all in and going back to the old one leaving you all with less money and no help.
I'd make him be the one to ask the Mums if they are willing to help with overnights, he was the one who created the need for them to help.
I do nights that I hate and long days that I would rather were shorter, I do it to feed and clothe my family, and to support my Dh who looks after everything else while I'm at work so I can relax and enjoy my days off with the family.

LindyHemming · 18/07/2015 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 18/07/2015 19:58

Perhaps he preferred his life when it was just "Job"?

Very possibly - but he had kids. OP doesn't get an opt out, and his pen is doesn't entitle him to one.

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