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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

177 replies

Wrongornot · 18/07/2015 16:23

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

OP posts:
ginnybag · 18/07/2015 17:00

It is unfair for him to have done what he has. He had the right to talk about it with you, to say that he wants to look for something else, even to set a deadline for when he will return to his old job if nothing else comes up, but not to just screw you over like he has.

Ask him how he intends to continue to allow you to progress your career, as you can't just go back to your own old arrangements having stopped them, and ask him what he intends to do about the financial shortfall he's left you with.

If this had been agreed, you'd have accepted those changes, but as he didn't think anyone else was involved, you assume he has also worked it out so no-one else will be impacted, too.

TheRealAmyLee · 18/07/2015 17:00

To me ALL job decisions should be a family thing. Those saying it doesn't make much difference as you managed before here is the flip side. He has just taken a 50% paycut!
For this paycut he gets an increase of 30 miles on his commute. He also gets less days off and more anti social hours. He has also lost some holiday entitlement. Does that sound like a move great for all his family?
I can see he must really hate the job but I would need to know WHY. The fact he seems to have NO ANSWER to this would be the worst part for me. It is disrespectful to your family just do something that has such a HUGE impact on them over "I don't know I just don't like it"

Spartans · 18/07/2015 17:01

Whirl because he is usually a good husband. People who are usually good husbands don't do this sort of thing lightly.

I hate my job with a passion. To the point I didn't want to wake up on morning and felt sick until home time. Didn't sleep properly worrying. I was a mess. I ended up walking out. No big event just got my bag and walked out one day. Dh was going insane when I finally went home. He thought I had done something silly. I stayed as long as a I could to pay bills.

I would never ever let myself be in that position again. So yes I can understand how someone ends up here

TwilightMad · 18/07/2015 17:01

Why the hell should your dh stay in a job that he hates just because it makes you happy?......he should do what makes HIM happy! My dh took a new job last year after being made redundant. It meant that he went from working 8am-4pm and being Monday to Friday and where his work was round the corner from our house and he could literally walk there in under five minutes to a job were he was based 10 miles away and had to do a mixture of early and Lates shifts. His Lates shifts means I'm with the children every evening on my own and the fact that he does shifts at all means we've now had to purchase another car and are now paying two lots of insurance, tax, mot's etc, but you know what?......he's much happier where he is now as his employer treats him better and he doesn't work with a bunch of idiots like he did at the last place. Oh, and he's on less money, but I don't care, he's happy, which means I'm happy. (Despite now having to do almost everything with our children on my own).

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:01

YY wrongornot DH works weekends (every other so not nearly as bad as yours) and I dread when he's away as I have the kids by myself and it's exhausting for everyone isn't it.

PtolemysNeedle · 18/07/2015 17:01

YANBU.

I'd agree with you if it was a choice between a job you hate and no job at all, but it isn't. He will still be working and providing, he just won't be miserable from spending half his life doing something he really doesn't like. Why on earth would you want your husband who you presumably love, to do something that he hates?

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 17:02

I really hope that this isn't a case of the grass is greener and he's forgotten how bad all of that was Sad

I would be so angry, he could have stuck it whilst looking elsewhere for something different altogether rather than just going back. Or at least tried to go back with a payrise!!!

ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 17:02

He did apparently say he wanted to return to his old job at Christmas. He then decided he couldn't last that long.

Summerisle1 · 18/07/2015 17:03

I think it's unfair to drop this on you as a fait accompli, OP. I know how draining and awful it can be to be in the wrong job but at the same time, if you have family responsibilities, you might have to put up with it for a while. Certainly, this is something that should have been discussed properly beforehand.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:04

People who are good husbands don't drop their families in it without discussing it beforehand.

It really is a straightforward as that for me.

NinkyNonkers · 18/07/2015 17:05

All those saying why should he do something he hates, why isn't he showing that consideration to her?

bigbumtheory · 18/07/2015 17:05

He's been very selfish and unreasonable. Not for wanting to leave a job he hates but for not discussing it first and putting things in order. He could at least have told you now, stuck it out until Christmas like he planned so you could put more money aside for childcare so you can progress in your job.

He's been very very selfish to expect you to sacrifice your career in favour of his own.

My career is very important to me, as is family, this would be a deal breaker for me or I'd carry on with my career but put sorting childcare firmly in DHs shoes since he messed it up. What would he do if you said he had to do that OP? Why is it your job to do and your sacrifice? He didn't even sacrifice a year at a shit job!

I've had the job from hell, I hated every minute and nearly went off sick with stress. I stuck it out only because we had to pay rent and I couldn't do that to my family. I'd do it all again if I had to and DH is doing it now.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 18/07/2015 17:06

If my DH unilaterally decided to change jobs in a way that a) compromised my career, b) meant he spent less time with the family, c) decreased our income and d) meant that more of the domestic chores and childcare would fall to me, without discussion and without any attempt to reach a compromise, I would pack his bags and throw him out of the house. If he had such arrogance to assume that his happiness was worth more than mine or our children's, and such utter contempt for my role in the family, assuming that my career is worth less than his and that I should just suck up taking on the lion's share of running the family, he could just fuck off. I would lose all respect for him and never be able to forgive him.

ilovesooty · 18/07/2015 17:06

Random how long he could stick it out is surely dependent on how unhappy he was.

And if he was asking to come back they'd hardly be likely to offer a pay rise.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:08

"Why the hell should your dh stay in a job that he hates just because it makes you happy?......he should do what makes HIM happy! "

So if my DH came home and said, I have taken a job in the Army, or on an oil rig, or as a lion tamer in a travelling circus, I should say, Oh ok then, whatever makes you happy dear? Erm, no.

And if he came home and said, I've taken this job which is very odd and erratic hours, it will mean you have to give yours up to look after the children, I should say OK love that's fine Smile

Extreme examples maybe. But what he has done has a BIG impact on the OP and on her children, but what they have to say OK whatever because he's the man or something?

Viviennemary · 18/07/2015 17:10

I did a job I loathed for years. Should I have stuck with it. Probably not. But I did. There's no right or wrong answer to this as it depends on circumstances but he should have discussed it with you before he made these decisions. And he should have given it a bit longer. When you've got a family you can't always do exactly what you want to.

bigbumtheory · 18/07/2015 17:10

I had suggested to him weeks ago that if things were that bad he should look for a less well paid job, but closer to home and less hours. He could do house/kids and I could push my career (there is a "scheme" at work I would love to participate in but it is very full on).

So he can't be a home with them, he'd rather get a job miles away but expects you to? Sounds like he didn't like you career taking off OP, especially when he wasn't happy in his. More fool him, especially as he was disliking the old job too! Give it a month in that job and he'll be moaning again. If he is I'd say 'you made your bed, you lie in it.'

PurpleHairAndPearls · 18/07/2015 17:10

He NBU to leave a job he hates. At least he has an alternative, there are pros and cons to these jobs, he obviously feels the benefits outweighs the cons.

What is BU is to unilaterally make the decision and implement it, thereby affecting you and your job, without the courtesy of discussing it.

The fact he didn't feel either able, or that he needed to consult you, coupled with the fact you felt it necessary to look through his phone and read his emails, IMHO, shows there are issues within your relationship that are bigger than the job change.

That is what I would be worrying about.

How is your relationship generally?

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 17:11

Ii agree ilovesooty - but if it's not discussed or he hasn't even tried those things...

Anyway for him to take such a decision without any discussion or warning etc. is completely unreasonable. FGS they've not even had any time to adjust for the sudden loss of income etc. when he knew he was intending to do this.

If it were just the money or just the lifestyle it wouldn't be as bad but the combination just sounds horrendous and all the fall out seems to fall on the op not her husband.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:13

I missed this bit

"I had suggested to him weeks ago that if things were that bad he should look for a less well paid job, but closer to home and less hours. He could do house/kids and I could push my career (there is a "scheme" at work I would love to participate in but it is very full on)."

Oh OP.

Has he said anything about childcare? Or is he assuming it will go back to how it was before and you will no longer be available for work trips?

Does he understand why you are upset?

PurpleHairAndPearls · 18/07/2015 17:13

I think also, in the majority of relationships, there are compromises that have to be made. Particularly once you have DC. I always think, it's not the compromises themselves that destroy relationships, it's how these compromises are actually dealt with.

I've probably explained that really badly.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/07/2015 17:14

Working at a job you truly hate has long lasting repercussions. I'm currently dealing with a son with PTSD because of it. My son couldn't really explain exactly what it was that he truly hated until he was out of there. His dad and I kept telling him it would be OK, he just needed to stick it out. Do you have any idea of how guilt-ridden we feel? When he said 'I hate this job, I want out!!' we should have listened to him and supported him in leaving and finding a different line of work. Instead, we're picking up the pieces and it may be some time before he can work again.

The only thing wrong he did was to not discuss it with you beforehand and try to work out a compromise. But if all you were doing was harping on about why he should stay, perhaps he didn't feel he could talk to you truthfully about it. That you wouldn't even try to be receptive. Try to look at it from his point of view.

Be glad that he had the courage to quit and that he had his old job to go back to.

CalebWomble · 18/07/2015 17:14

Jesus, that's a tough one Sad Having lived through my partner sinking into depression largely due to doing a job he hated, you can't expect someone to stick at that. But so wrong to make such a big change without talking it through with you.

I hope you can find a way to forgive him (if that's what you want to do), and that together you can work out how to make the most of the situation, a path that doesn't involve you giving up everything you've gained in the last 6 months.

HerRoyalNotness · 18/07/2015 17:16

Very foolish of him to not even try to negotiate better terms at his old work place.

Did he even discuss with new employers his concerns and see if they could help him enjoy it a bit? He really needs to tell you what it was about it that he didn't like if he is getting such glowing reports from them.

I spent the last 5mths crying going to work every day and coming home. Sat in an office with literally an hours work per week, bored mindless and too much time to mull over the shit we had just been through last year. I did leave and am much happier, no job, but am looking.

So unless your H was actually sobbing his guts out or on anti anxiety meds or signed off constantly ill, then a) he should have discussed with you and b) should have stuck it out for another couple of mths. I know how hard it is to work long term somewhere and then get your head around a new company. But it sounds like he was doing well anyway, as was I, so it's baffling why he'd want to make life hard for you all again

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 18/07/2015 17:16

OP should be glad that her DH has dumped her in it, knackered her career, lumbered her with all the childcare and removed himself from the family home for pretty much all weekend time.

Yes silly OP be happy, he has done you a favour!

Gods sake

She suggested that he look for another job! How is that pressuring him to stay in the one he was in.